Help me put this into perspective and stop me making a tit of myself

[Alfiemoon1]

I have no reason to be suspicious of dh and know I am being irrational but
To cut a long story my sister bought dd a horse for Christmas no I am not a troll. The yard we are at is very friendly mainly all woman. Dh has taken this surprise horse extremely well he loves being at the yard and goes most days after work he works night shift so it in the morning he poo picks mucks out etc. The yard has gone to being diy so we have come to an arrangement starting this week that v will put out our horse while dd is at school and we will bring hers in. So obviously there has been texts between v and dh why she doesn't text dd I don't know.
She seems to be constantly texting surely it can't be that difficult to sort out. He was late home the other day as he went looking for wire for her rabbit hutch which annoyed me as I have a few jobs round the house that need doing when I question what takes so long at the yard he's always helping her do this that or the other. Dd got a text to say the rabbit has escaped after dh fixed it. He never mentioned he had been round to fix it. I would of expected a text saying he was going to do it or even him to mention he had been to do it or a picture of it as I love animals
So I have been a bit niggly all week oh my jobs will have to wait as u are to busy
Well fast forward to last night and she starts texting her at 11.30 when we were in bed I was giving him a cuddle with the possibility of it leading to more but no he jumps up and starts texting her back. It was to do with horses but doesn't involve our arrangement or us plus she has a partner she can discuss things with
So I ve had paddy accused him of all sorts and attempted to sleep on the sofa last night. I am over thinking everything driving myself crazy and am forcing myself not to text her to say stuff the arrangement I will put our horse out and stop texting dh which of course I will regret on cold winter mornings. Someone give me a slap and tell me to stop being so daft

[Alfiemoon1]

I think I will at some point have to sit him down and tell him how I feel I don't think he's having an affair but has been inconsiderate i may be being irrational but he needs to hear it. A while a go a friend of his was texting me and got drunk and sent me an inappropriate text I told dh he nearly thumped him which I thought was irrational as I had never met this bloke and didn't know where he lived etc. I deleted this blokes no out of respect for dh as he felt uncomfortable with it. Deleting v no is not an option as they need to discuss the horses I just want him to know how I feel

[ICuntSeeYourPoint]

You're not being irrational at all. Things aren't going well in your marriage. He's doing things with V that he's not telling you about (why?) and when you ask about it he's not considering your feelings first and being reassuring, he's jumping to being defensive and horrible - why? Who's more important, you or v? Being so excited to check a text that you interrupt foreplay - that's not good news. If he's not having an affair, he's certainly acting like he wants one. I think you both need to wake up and get V out of both of your lives, whatever that means with the horse - can you even afford a horse if you split up?

[Alfiemoon1]

Yes we can my sister pays for the horse stabling we just chip in for extra like shoes as and when we can afford it.

[Alfiemoon1]

He likes a drink usually has a can after he comes back from the yard and drinks on his nights off he didn't touch a drop for over a week I asked why and he just said he didn't fancy it which is totally unheard of but I thought great I have had a very quick peak at his texts to v and it looks like she was giving up smoking at the same time well she actually could afford to buy a packet of fags. Seems like regular texts how's it going giving up. Why didn't he say they were having a challenge or they were giving up together??

[ICuntSeeYourPoint]

Excellent, well since that's the important thing just carry on having an ineffectual moan every now and then, while he carries on his emotional affair with V...

Snap out of it! Move the horse or pay someone to do whatever V does with it, or just give it up. It's surely not worth your marriage, is it? You both need to cut V out of your lives if you do value your marriage over a bloody horse.

[Alfiemoon1]

I have no issue of him having female friends he is friendly with everyone at the yard and helps everyone and texts others so don't know why I feel like I do but it's driving me crazy

[ICuntSeeYourPoint]

Why didn't he say they were having a challenge or they were giving up together?
They do stuff together and have secrets together because it's fun and exciting. They don't tell you because you're the wife and (a) what they're doing is not appropriate, and (b) if they tell you it's not a fun and exciting 'thing' just between them anymore.
Sorry, but this is the reality of it.

[ICuntSeeYourPoint]

You should read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass, it will really help understand what's going on here.

[ProseccoBitch]

Is that you Naomi?

[Alfiemoon1]

No I am not Naomi sorry don't know who u are referring to

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

Yes, you can delete individual messages in WhatsApp. I think he needs to sit down with you and be honest about what is going on, he may not be having a full blown affair but he is certainly giving you cause for worry and he needs to acknowledge that.

[Alfiemoon1]

I am not putting the horse first I am putting dd first it's her horse she is settled at the yard it is within walking distance from school she has friends there etc. I don't legally own the horse or pay for its stables. I am over thinking all this then to kick off and move yards isn't fair on dd. Half term isn't helping having the kids off as am unable to have it out with dh at the moment. He is friendly and helpful with everyone there he is very enthusiastic about the horse and genuinely enjoys being there as do I when I go. We loaned a horse there before we got our own so have been going there for about 2 years. I can't ruin it for dd just because I am feeling insecure or paranoid

[mummyto2monkeys]

Several posters have told you that they do not think you are being paranoid. If your husband is not having an affair, he is well on his way to starting one. Men who are happy with their wives do not refuse their advances to text another woman. They don't suddenly after twenty two years start trimming their pubic hair. They are not aggressive and angry when confronted about their behaviour! If your husband really loves you, he would be doing anything and everything to prove that he is not up to anything. The defensive behaviour and anger is because he knows you are onto him and how dare you be on to him and his special 'friend'!

Please stop being a doormat, or before you know it your dd will have a new stepmum who loves horses just as much as she does. You have every right to be worried!

[EmeraldIsle100]

You are 100% not being irrational. He is keeping details of a relationship/friendship he is having with another woman and if they haven't already done anything he is getting ready for it to happen.

I recommend that you tell your husband that you are well aware of what he is at. Stop doubting yourself and start to take control of the situation.

He didn't like his mate texting you and yet he thinks it is perfectly ok for him to do odd jobs for another woman without mentioning it to you and to interrupt an intimate moment with you to respond to a text from her at half 11 at night.

Drop it into the conversation you are planning to take legal advice on where you and the children would stand in the event of a split.

Get into the driving seat and take charge of your life. I haven't been in your situation but if my partner started to act like yours I would like to think think I would raise merry f***g hell.

It really annoys me when men think that their partners are completely stupid and then have the audacity to accuse them of being irrational. You come across as an intelligent woman. You are not imagining anything your instinct is spot on.

[Unrequitedlove]

I also think OP is not being paranoid or overreacting here. I think your gut always tells you when something isn't quite right.
The trimming down there, comment re 'ladies prefer it', new skincare products and total disrespect towards you texting at 11pm at night. The aggressive, defensive behaviour towards you.. not showing any concern etc? Secretive behaviour over rabbit and looking for wire etc..
I think you need to bite the bullet and have a serious talk with him.
Stop beating yourself up about over reacting, being paranoid etc.. it hasn't come from nowhere

[Alfiemoon1]

He told me he was looking for the wire for the rabbit hutch but never mentioned he had been round to do it for her. First I heard he had done it was when dd told me it has escaped. I would have expected him to have said something along the lines of oh u would love v rabbit it's got floppy ears or something. I don't know why she thinks gone 11 is an appropriate time to text him he works permanent nights but is off this week does she regularly text him through the night when he's at work ? Is he just trying to make me jealous as he seems to think his behaviour is totally normal. My gut is all over the place my ibs has flared up

[mummyto2monkeys]

I would be sending my dd to a relative/ arrange a sleepover and have it out with my husband. Look up 'the script' on here first though. No his behaviour is not normal and your gut is a mess because it already knows that this could be life changing!

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Im sorry but what's irrationalnos leaving the horse where it is.

[Alfiemoon1]

Well the chat went well not. He insists he's done nothing wrong and refuses be told who he can and can't be friends with. He is flattered that I think he's shaving his pubes for her as apparently she isn't bad. After me trying to turn the tables and say how would he feel it's quite obvious he wouldn't be bothered. I have sobbed on the floor in another room at his reaction and he's not blinked an eye carried on watching telly. I have mentioned divorce and he says fine he will move out tomorrow which I will believe when I see it. But I can't believe I mean so little to him. But hey ho if iam honest it's been a shit marriage due to his alocohol abuse. Really need some hand holding and guidance through the divorce process at the moment

[Helpisathand13]

Oh Alfiemoon1 I am sorry things have resulted in an argument and talk of divorce. It is the early hours and tensions were high and tempers frayed. Please try to focus your mind and think rationally about what was said and what you really want from this. Of course I will hold your hand. How are things now? X

[Alfiemoon1]

HES still up drinking watching tv I am in bed mixed emotions. Think he's having a mid life crisis skin care shaving bits and chafing after a younger woman why can't he just buy a sorts car ffs

[Helpisathand13]

Could be you know. Someone taking a bit of interest in him and all of a sudden he thinks he's George Clooney? Check your bank balance and see if you can afford the sports car

[ghostwatch]

Red flags everywhere your gut instinct is telling you something for a reason. He is way too involved even if nothing has happened yet this is crossing boundaries and she is disrespectful towards your relationship. You have every right to be upset.

[mummyto2monkeys]

It will come out, the blatant disregard for your feelings tells me that he has already checked out of your marriage. Don't back down, ask him to leave tomorrow, if he shows zero emotion, then whether he is having an affair or not, your marriage is over. He sounds callous and cruel and you can do so much better. My Aunt stayed with her alcoholic husband for years, she stooistooid by him when his liver failed despite his being nasty, cruel and lacking compassion. He repaid her by leaving her for another woman one week after she retired.

Don't let that be your future, my cousins have so many issues from the sham that was her parents marriage that both have remained single and despite being in mid 40's and late thirties they are lonely, living together and one has never had a partner.

[ohdearme1958]

OP did you previously have a thread about the horse. Or is that another poster who's sister also gave her niece a surprise horse?