Hello. I skimmed read this thread and your other one so apologies if I missed any important details. I just wanted to give you some point of views to help you move on. FYI - And I do think this is relevant - I'm British Chinese - raised in UK. My childhood was incredibly strict. Expectations were extremely high - if I didn't have perfect handwriting, if I got a B instead of an A, if I even offered an 'opinion' that was not in the same of theirs. I would get a beating. Usually in the form of 1metre long thick bamboo sticks or long chopsticks. Several strokes on hands, legs, bottom. Sometimes slippers, sometimes the back of the "old style" telephone receivers.
My mother's temper was the worst - especially when I dared raised a different opinion or if I dared to read a free reading novel or book that wasn't academic. I remember her scaring away my friends who came to our house to celebrate the end of our A-levels saying I wasn't allowed out! I remember the day before leaving to go to University and the fact I was leaving home, that I was never ever allowed back. And to NEVER ask for their help again and how much of a disappointment I was to them as I didn't fulfil their idea of a dutiful quiet Chinese daughter. I think I had a thread of my own somewhere before on mumsnet of how abusive my parents were.
I think particularly in Chinese families - coping strategies that are so available in Western families have only just recently come to the surface with the younger generations. All this 'time out', 'naughty step' kind of disciplinary techniques were unheard of . I don't know a single Chinese family from our parents generation that had a no hitting rule.
My parents marriage was a farce. My mother particularly took it out on me. It was especially worse the morning after the night my dad didn't come home or came home late. I recall her throwing china plates at me, cutting my hands, scarring me.
My opinion is that back in our parents day, that kind of dictatorial 'ruling with an iron fist' was very much the norm in Chinese families. I know my grandmother was extremely strict. The majority of my Chinese friends had parents like this -particularly if they were from China or other 3rd world Asian countries. Showing pride and any kind of positive emotion - especially physical - was rare. Showing shame and denigration was typical.
I don't EVER recall physically being held or hugged or kissed by my parents during my entire childhood. My siblings recall the same too.
What I'm trying to say - and there is no excuse for the likes of our parents - is that I do understand where you are coming from. Completely. My parents will NEVER EVER acknowledge they did wrong. I do think culturally, in their generation - it's was the NORM. Of course, it is highly abusive and wrong and even if my mother was arrested for the abuse back in those days, she would not have ever conceded. My father on the most part was never seen and if he was, he was always fighting my mum.
I think you need to ask yourself - what will it take to make you happy. You need to live your life with no regret. We don't come from Western families that are genial, happy and loving. Would you feel regretful if you didn't see your dad on his deathbed?
It has taken me best part of 20 years to come to terms with my situation. And although I am in touch with my parents, and fortunately, have a half decent relationship with them. I know they will always deny the abuse they dished out on the basis they did 'what they thought was best'. It has made me very distant from them, and I don't feel the need to be in their lives frequently. But for me, I need to have a (very thin) tie to them. I can go without seeing them for months, if not years on my end. But I will keep in touch with a Christmas card or a 2minute call just to say 'Hello, how are you'. That's enough for them - truly - they don't give that much of shit on the face of it. And it's enough for me. (largely because I've been so conditioned and raised to be a dutiful daughter).
A major part of being Chinese is being 'dutiful' - which you are refusing to play a part in. That's why your parents are reacting the way they are. You will NEVER get any acknowledgement or concession and certainly never an apology.
You will just have to come to terms to it. Don't feel you need to do ANYTHING. Just be who you are.
If you feel for your own well being the need to get in touch with your dad on his deathbed. Then do so with NO expectations from any of your family. Expect nothing. You are only getting in touch for your benefit. That way you can learn to cope and move on quickly.
However, if you don't want to risk your well being today. Then simply don't. You will be grieving but that's ok. Really, they are all but dead. Because to your parents, you are all but dead to them.
I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh. I'm sorry this is a long post as well but I hope you got something out of it. If only to know you weren't alone. But you can move on.