ADVICE NEEDED. NC with toxic parents..dad is now sick

[aubs427]

I recently wrote in about my situation. Here's the link. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2726749-Going-NC-with-toxic-parents-aftermath-Need-Advice-Support

Their efforts in a letter and generic birthday gift have not 'weakened' me. Thankfully, I have my husband who has been one of my strongest support system through all this.

However, my sister has just recently messaged me on facebook last night stating that my dad is now in the hospital due to either a minor stroke or a bad reaction to the flu shot. They will be conducting an MRI on Monday.

My question to you guys is, if it is something serious, do I go visit them? My husband is highly against this option and feels that it will just be ammunition to use against me. They clearly have not changed and will not change. He fears that I will undo all the progress I have made in the last few months. I'm not in anyway rushing over there. However, if there is limited time or he's only got so much time left, do I go to visit just to say I did? Will nothing good come out if it?

I feel conflicted as I have always been 'good-hearted'. Except, I know the reality of my situation as based off the letter my dad wrote to me in July was one of blame. There was no acknowledgement of the abuse and basically he spent a page and a half putting all the blame on me and spent two paragraphs comparing me to my sister, as in "your sister went down the right path and you should have followed". My husband feels that my mom will unleash hell on me if I show up.

All I have said to my sister so far is "okay keep me posted".
Please help. :( I don't know what to do.

In some circumstances where there is NC with toxic parents, I'd advise going along and just trying to have a nice last meeting where things are calm and pleasant. However, in your case, I think your parents are actual psychopaths and for my own physical and mental health, I wouldn't be going within 100m of them. Their abuse would see them locked up for many, many years nowadays. I would never advise anyone who has been systematically abused to go back for more.

Eyes forward OP. You've escaped. Don't be drawn back in.

I am NC with both of my parents and have considered this situation over the years. My view is that if I was very ill or dying I would absolutely not want them showing up like they have any right to my life or like I owe them something. Therefore I can only see that it would be inappropriate and unwise for me to show up if one of them was ill or dying. I am NC for good reasons and forever, it is not conditional on them being well.

The reality of my situation is that I would be unlikely to find out if they were ill or died anyway.

I'm very low contact with my mother and stepfather.

They pull we are sick possibly dying a lot! I've had stomach cancer (turned out to be a hernia), stroke (really a migraine), cervical cancer, currently it's a knee replacement.

Anyway my lot pull the sick with serious illness and then 'forget' to tell me when it's resolved. They are very believable and it's easy to get sucked in.

Oh OP I remember your thread. They only deserve to be your ex parents as milklolly so eloquently said. They abused you horribly. One of the pp is probably right about your sister wanting to share the burden and having you back as the scapegoat. Be clear with her and say you don't want to know if that's really how you feel. No one in their right minds would blame you for that. Your husband sounds wonderful, focus on the future with him and forget your past. The past is done, nothing can change it. Any guilt you might feel is pointless, it's a truly pointless emotion. Stay strong, big hug xxx

I've not been in this situation so forgive me if I sound harsh.

You went NC for a reason, alive or dead you are NC with them. The only difference in death is NC is permanent, is that not a relief?

I personally don't understand the need for NC to be changed depending on the circumstances but then I'm very black and white so to me NC means NC.

If I were you my way of dealing with it would be thanks for letting me know sis, I'll support you however I can but I've no intention of having direct contact with ma and pa.

Good luck whatever your decision.

Please look after yourself
Ask yourself - do you want to see him?
Will it change anything?
Will it make things ok?
If you answer no- don't go

This. You have nothing to prove to anyone. They were horribly and ridiculously abusive. You should feel NO GUILT about not going. Your parents are the ones in the wrong and they have had chance to repent and instead they chose to try and blame you. You did what you could.

I agree with the PPs who say no, don't visit, however, this is only valid if you can cope with it's the consequences.

I was estranged from DF when he died and, although I was completely justified in going NC, I live with terrible guilt. I don't know why, I did nothing wrong, but I find it very difficult to live with myself knowing that he died missing me and wanting me.

If it will allow you to feel better then see him. If you are confident that you can live with it, then ignore and carry on with your life

To some posters who very reasonably suggest the op do visit or investigate further: I don't think a lot of you have read the Ops previous thread. They've tried to kill her and the abuse is so horrendous I felt sick and angry for the op after reading. She will learn to love herself and hopefully never blame herself like she has been conditioned to believe.

I just read your link to previous post. I wouldn't look back ... keep on moving forward. This situation is inevitable and you need to have a clear plan set out on how you wish to respond to deteriorating health issues.

My response would be that they were dead to me already . Those people weren't parents !
It's only because you are good person that this ember of guilt about doing the right thing begins to glow.
They are still despicable.
Stay away would be my advice .

Thank you to everyone who's responded to this thread and provided me advice/support! I'm always so incredibly grateful for any support I can get.

I haven't received an update yet at all. I'm going to guess the MRI is going to be done today and I may hear something back from that. I have an appointment with my therapist later today and hope he can also provide some advice for me.

I've thought and considered everyone's advice and in terms of "what is best for me", in the reality of the situation, I just don't really want to put myself in a position where I could potentially get hurt. Even if that potential is 2%. If I'm looking out for what's best for me and protecting myself is part of that, then NOT visiting would be best.

Does anyone have an opinion/thought on that?

Not visiting would indeed be a great idea. I think visiting them at all would be a retrograde step and not one you should ever take.

I would wait to hear the results. I wouldn't respond to your sister right now.
I suspect that if it was terrible news she would tell you anyway right?

I think then you should consider what to do.

I think not visiting sounds perfectly fine in the circumstances.

"Mini stroke" = not dying.

"Bad reaction" = definitely not dying!

This bloke obviously ain't seriously ill and could live for years. Why open yourself up to years of more abuse and guilt tripping?

Tbh I'm quite surprised you're so quick to panic over what was clearly something quite mild - he likely had what we used to call "a funny turn". I do not think you should be considering breaking your no contact for anything so minor, tbh. I mean, all this angst should be reserved for him being on his deathbed, not for "a possible bad reaction to a flu shot". Why the knee jerk reaction?

TIAs are not serious and neither are reactions to flu jabs.

Unless you get a call to say that they are at death's door (and it's actually true) then steer well clear.

Definitely keep yourself safe aubs. Definitely don't go. It wouldn't matter if you were Mother Theresa, they would find something with which to diminish you. Save your breath and time.You owe them nothing. Save any visiting for a private moment in the funeral parlour to a) check that the bastard is really dead and b) to turn the air blue with what you think of him.
It is most cathartic

As PPs have said these aren't serious problems. No need to visit now.

If it's even true.

I wouldn't go.

They are using a non-life threatening illness as a means of getting to you - and if you turn up or even call, they will blame you for something. By going, they will make you feel worse than you do by not calling.
This is another opportunity for them to abuse you emotionally. Don't let them take it.
Chin up & good luck.

I've just read your other thread. You are amazing, you are making very tough, but, very good choices.

Carry on.

I think Elspeth is right - think of this as a test to see how far you have come. At the moment you are reacting almost as they want you to, which is to be drawn back in to their endless psychodrama (your sister is performing the role of the flying monkey trying to keep you locked in). You can make a positive step for you, which is to not engage, or a retrograde step, to get re-involved.

In terms of your 'situation in which you could potentially get hurt', I assume you mean physically, since it is 100% guaranteed that you will be emotionally hurt by having contact with them. It is clear from the relationships board how incredibly easy it is for survivors of toxic parents to be dragged back in, time after time wanting to believe that this time will be different, that they will see that they have been wrong, and you will somehow be vindicated. Even though it is entirely obvious that is never gonna happen. These people tried to kill you - more than once. If they couldn't feel remorse after the first of those attempts, they're not going to feel it now.

I am NC with my mother, for abuse but not as awful as yours. Think of it this way, these people are supposed to love you. They don't. If anyone else treated you the way they have, you'd report them, never see them. So, shouldn't that count double for people who should love you? It's worse than a stranger in my eyes.

Only go if you get something from it. And quite frankly, I wouldn't go and I'm not convinced you should either. You are so strong for breaking away, be proud of yourself

I came in to say you should seriously consider seeing them, but after reading your previous thread, I can only say that if I were you I wouldn't ever consider getting back in touch with these people even if there was a terminal illness involved.

To answer Elspeth's question, to be quite honest with you, it's just all a really big trigger. That's why there's a knee jerk reaction. I don't know much about strokes and regrettably, my grandmother (who i adored) died from a stroke.

My sister will more than likely let me know even if I don't ask. I have been super strong about remaining resilient against her, "Why are you doing this? This is hurtful." and the "Really? You're not going to [insert action]??"

While I've done a lot of soul searching over the last few months, I'm still a work in progress. I can guarantee that at some point, if not now, at least in the future that my sister will try to guilt me. The, "Really you're not going to go visit him?" or the "Really you're not going to go see him/them?" I can also see her, as a possibility, calling me selfish, uncaring, and whatever other negative adjectives you can think of.

I told my husband last night that it would infuriate me if she were to say that I didn't have any empathy in my body to even go see them...but, out of the four members of that family, I'm the ONLY person that has empathy. It's not like I would sit here and take that and internalize it because I KNOW for a FACT that I'm not selfish.

Just to inform everyone that's posted on here so far... What's funny about all this too..is that last year, I ended up in the hospital (I was having major stomach/intestinal pain for several days). My husband eventually did call my parents to let them know that I was being admitted. They never asked WHY I was in the hospital or if I was going to be okay. They didn't even bother to ask if it was for something serious. My dad basically gave my husband a monotone, "Oh okay." and inquired about insurance and that was it.

Why don't you go NC with your sister too? She sounds like a horrible cow and is trying to put you in an abusive situation to save herself some discomfort, which is entirely self inflicted, as she chooses to talk to your parents herself. Does she know about all the abuse that you suffered? If so, and if you say that in future she will try to guilt trip you about not seeing your parents, maybe NC with her is something to think about?