ADVICE NEEDED. NC with toxic parents..dad is now sick

[aubs427]

I recently wrote in about my situation. Here's the link. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2726749-Going-NC-with-toxic-parents-aftermath-Need-Advice-Support

Their efforts in a letter and generic birthday gift have not 'weakened' me. Thankfully, I have my husband who has been one of my strongest support system through all this.

However, my sister has just recently messaged me on facebook last night stating that my dad is now in the hospital due to either a minor stroke or a bad reaction to the flu shot. They will be conducting an MRI on Monday.

My question to you guys is, if it is something serious, do I go visit them? My husband is highly against this option and feels that it will just be ammunition to use against me. They clearly have not changed and will not change. He fears that I will undo all the progress I have made in the last few months. I'm not in anyway rushing over there. However, if there is limited time or he's only got so much time left, do I go to visit just to say I did? Will nothing good come out if it?

I feel conflicted as I have always been 'good-hearted'. Except, I know the reality of my situation as based off the letter my dad wrote to me in July was one of blame. There was no acknowledgement of the abuse and basically he spent a page and a half putting all the blame on me and spent two paragraphs comparing me to my sister, as in "your sister went down the right path and you should have followed". My husband feels that my mom will unleash hell on me if I show up.

All I have said to my sister so far is "okay keep me posted".
Please help. :( I don't know what to do.

I think their reaction to you going to hospital says it all doesn't it? Don't bother with them. Watch some great/crap tv with your loving DH. We all die one day but for them I hope they suffer. do not engage at all. You cut them out for a reason- they are infecting your life. I guess you had a good relationship with your grandma? I'be only read the op of your last thread.

I'm nc with my parents both now early seventies with long term health conditions id they get sicker I don't care and won't be attending the funeral. Terrible parents

Updating again! I've heard back from my sister. This is what she said, "The MRI shows that dad did have a small stroke. He is probably going to be in the hospital tonight too. I think he wants to hear from you."

She asked me if I'd contact him, and when I asked if HE specifically asked, she said, "Yes" and "That he would like to see you. He has been worried about you". I have only responded with, "I've been great." and she's only said, "that's good"

No other response has been made thus far. Does anyone have any further advice/opinion on this and how I should proceed moving forward if she continues to try to coerce me into seeing them? I want to add that in the past, when my sister didn't get an answer she wanted, she gets somewhat vicious. I know for fact that she doesn't have my interest at heart and that she's more concerned about my parents in all this.

Small stroke? Meh.

Ignore it all.

Your sister wants you there so you take the pressure off her - you should in normal families be united - equal - but she's want ago save her skin by putting you forward -

Keep your distance and don't let them pressure you or take up any head space

Your sister is a 'flying monkey', someone that people like your parents send in to do their dirty work for them. To an extent, she is in thrall to them and doesn't realize fully that she is being manipulated. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if your father's condition is being greatly exaggerated to reel you back in.

You owe your parents nothing. They don't deserve you. You owe your sister nothing. She is either their pawn or willing accomplice. I think you've replied to her brilliantly. Very noncommittal. You don't owe her an answer OR any explanation for any answer that you do choose give her.

As far as if she point blank asks you if you intend to visit or if she starts in on you if you say no, I guess I'd simply repeat "I've made my position very clear. You don't have to agree with me but this is my final decision. I don't intend to discuss this with you and I don't need to justify myself to you or anyone. We'll have to 'agree to disagree' on this'. Don't attempt to reason with her or try to justify your decision. It won't work. Simply repeat the above until she either gives up or one of you ends up hanging up on the other.

You may very well end up having to go NC with your sister. But it doesn't sound to me as if that would necessarily be a bad thing.

aubs please listen to acrossthe pond's advice. She's spot on. In fact I'd go further and not speak to sister. I'd send a text saying "Thanks for the info".
Don't be lured back in. What are you hoping for? Some warmth? Some conversation? Some recognition that you've been badly hurt by him/them? It won't happen. Too many of us here have been where you are now. We're not saying these things for fun.
Put yourself first. They are not to be trusted.

I read a lot of threads where the advice is to go NC, where I am shocked that people can so easily block their parents from their lives. So, when I read your thread, I was going to say, if your father is dying, maybe make your peace with him, for your own sake as well as his.

However, having read your previous thread, I think that these people are monsters who should be avoided at all costs. I am horrified at the extent and scale of their abuse of you and agree with PPs who say they should have been locked up for their cruelty towards you.

The fact that you are even contemplating seeing him or feeling guilty shows how much your are still so much damaged by their behaviour. Thank God you had the courage to break away and build a new life with a lovely man who supports you.

I agree that he's unlikely to die anytime soon. The fact that he showed so little interest when you were so ill just confirms what he is really like, as if there were any doubt.

Maybe the middle ground, if you want one - just for your own peace of mind - is to send a Get Well card and say that, for reasons you have already explained in detail, you don't want any further contact, but that you forgive them for the past and wish them good health and all the best for the future. How long they live for and whether or not they are ill is not something you can influence or change or have any responsibility for. It doesn't change anything really.

I also think AcrossthePond is spot on with her advice regarding your sister.

You have come so far, listen to your instincts, and stay safe. After so much misery as a child, you deserve joy. You know that really which is why you are seeking support on this thread, but you are still conditioned to idolise them as your parents, even though they are as far from parental love as it is possible to imagine.

Good luck!

You realise of course that (in the unlikely event he did ask to see you), he hasn't been worrying about you, he's been resenting their loss of control over you.

I wouldn't engage with your sister if she continues to try to badger you into seeing them. There's no need for questions about who said what. It all causes you to be drawn back in to the web, when what you need is to stand outside it.

Don't go.

Why would he have a change of heart. The deathbed regrets only happen in books!
If you are ill with something like your DF is believe me he is concerned about himself, and his health first and foremost, that's what happens when you have a health scare. You worry about yourself not other people so don't be drawn in.

A minor stroke is a common complaint as we age.

Don't go!! Haven't read your other thread yet, but my concern is that they are manipulative and may be presenting as lovely people to hospital staff who will need 'just a little bit of help' on discharge, who will then turn to you, and pressure will be put on you from all sides to re-engage. Do not go!!

What AcrossthePond wrote; please take heed Aubs.

People from dysfunctional families of origin end up playing roles. Yours is scapegoat for all their inherent ills, your sister is golden child. She is
also their flying monkey here doing her parents dirty work for them. Such people do not often recognise that they are also being manipulated here by the people pulling the strings; in this case your parents. Your dad's pissed off only because he has lost control of you.

This is how you deal with such people like your sister (whom you have dealt with admirably so far). "Listen" to Flying Monkeys. Don't react. Then ask if they feel strongly about this. When they agree, point out they reached this conclusion without asking about your needs, so you aren't interested in what they have to say. End conversation.

She is not your friend here; you will ultimately need to be in no contact with your sister as well. She is not listening to you and will turn on you very readily.

Please block your sister. If they had changed and they cared they would have supported you whist you were in hospital. These people only want to hurt you. They have never brought anything good into your life and will not change.

I've just read your op in the thread you link to. Your story is horrific. I'm sorry your parents behaved so appallingly. What they did was illegal and imoral. By any normal standards they have been absolutely awful to you your entire life. I can't see how or why this would change if you got in contact now. I think there is a danger that if you did you would be drawn back into fear, obligations, guilt. I would avoid.

I've read your background from your link and you are doing so well with going NC with these people who are not fit to call themselves parents. I really think it would be detrimental to the progress you have made and are continuing to make if you got back in touch with them. Like others have said, your sister is now complicit in attempting to perpetuate this situation by trying to draw you back in and I would go NC with her as well. As you said in your last post, I know for a fact she doesn't have my interest at heart and that she's more concerned about my parents in all this. I think you are absolutely right to protect yourself and put yourself first.

Don't go, forget he's having an MRI , block your sister.

Thanks for the advice everyone!!! Another update here... Opened my email a few minutes ago and saw an email for my dad/parents. I immediately handed my phone to my husband.

He said,"it's the same sht. It's just spam. They haven't changed at all. Like a record repeating itself. Like a summarized version of the last letter they sent you." At some point he said, "be glad you didn't visit because it would have been the same shit."

I haven't read the letter. He wouldn't let me read it (also due to account his friend was over). Said that he'd let me read it, but didn't want me to. Said he'd rather just delete it because it's just spam. Also...my sister messaged me said she's flying into town this weekend....for a few days because "dad isn't feeling well". I haven't responded back to her either.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Oh, and no. I did NOT go to visit.

Let your husband delete it and change your e-mail address is my advice. Why upset yourself by reading it? What does it achieve?

Avoid your sister as well if you can. She must know of their cruel treatment of you, so why is she putting pressure on you if she definitely cares for you? In truth, sad to say, she doesn't care for you. But you have your wonderful supportive husband and a lovely life ahead of you, so please don't let these evil creatures spoil it for you. Be strong!

It's a good idea for your dh to read first in case anything changes.

If you are reluctant to have them deleted, ask him to put them somewhere so if you do decide to read them you can but they aren't there every time you open your email.

It would be an idea to establish your boundaries with your sis now. If you want to see her, meet in a public place so you can leave easily if needed. Don't let her come to your house and don't meet her without dh.

Explain you don't want to talk about your parents and you will leave if she insists.

If you don't want to see her then tell her now you are busy but will catch her next time she comes.

Or don't reply at all. That is also an option

I like the fact your sister is flying in, given she truly is a flying monkey in all this.

I would follow your DH's lead, have him delete the email or put it into a folder in his email account where you could see it if you wanted to but it can't otherwise poison your life. Of course nothing has changed, indeed I would imagine they are ramping up the guilt due to the illness.

I'd be tempted to tell your sister that you're out of town this weekend (and then go out of town) so there's no chance of meeting up.

If you went and saw them, this would only be through misplaced guilt and expectation. Seeing them is all about what other people want with no consideration of what is best for you.

You are entitled to act in self preservation, you honestly don't need anyone else's approval to do this. This is not selfish, it's logical. Anyone who thinks otherwise doesn't care about your needs.

Good that H fielded the textI would, read the it, because it would reinforce my resolve to stay as far away as possible, to remind me the horror was indeed real, & NC is the only way to being happy.
They had their chance with you, & you know how that went.
re Sister, she is used to you being the one who is covered in their venom & cruelty. you have been the scapegoat child, she will certainly not want that to change, which is why she is trying to get you to go.
Do NOT go

typos/ early morning !