I’m scared my wife doesn’t love me.

[Mantis1975]

I certainly don’t think she finds me attractive. We only have sex about once a month and only ever when I initiate it. Even then I’m rejected 3/4 times I try, usually with a fairly sharp comment.
I understand that my wife is often tired when she comes to bed but even if I suggest we go to bed early I’m told she’s busy and not to wait up.
I’ve spoken to her about it but she doesn’t seem to think there is a problem other than she has lots to do or never really feels in the mood. I’d feel like a rapist if I found out she was only doing it for my benefit.. She promised to try and cut down on her commitments but if she has it hasn’t made any difference if she has.
I try to give her lots of non-sexual attention and try to compliment her often and I’ve started working out and taking better care of myself for her (and myself tbf)
I’m trying to help out around the house more but do feel somewhat at a loss sometimes because my standards are never really good enough (although she’s quite gracious about this)
I used to buy her sexy gifts or games like Monogamy or Strip Poker because I thought maybe she was bored with our sex life; She has had a more varied sex life than me and we used to use toys or talk about threesomes but over time this sort of thing has petered out which would be fine except now she seems repulsed by anything sexual at all. All I really want is to feel desired.
I really don’t know what to do. The only time I get attention is if withhold any affection for a few weeks then she’ll notice and seek some but withholding I know trying to manipulate her like that is abusive and I hate myself when I do act like that.
I’m worried that she has fallen out of love with me and that is the real reason for all of this.

You have had so much great advice and insight on this thread but I wonder if it might also be worth considering the sex itself?

I have had a couple of long term partners, whom I loved but, with hindsight, they would have been difficult sexual relationships to maintain throughout a lifetime of parenting/stress/tiredness etc. One exDP was v good in bed but every sex session was a 2 hr bloody marathon, one exDP was great fun out of bed but sex was a bit lacklustre for me & whatever I/we tried, orgasms were elusive. I think DH & I probably have a decent sex life now because DH is ruthlessly efficient. I stay awake for an extra 20 mins (tops!) & there will be a minimum of one orgasm in it for me, maybe 2! Are you offering her the sort of sex she would really like? It's not an easy thing to talk about in these circumstances but it could be part of the problem.
I am so uncomfortable about posting this but I know it is relevant to me and a key reason for having sustained a sex life through the knackered years.

Agree with monkeyface, sex with my ex was awful. I tried to spice it up, talk to him about it but it made me cry it was so unfulfilling.

Please be confident in yourself, make a life outside the home, be assertive. Those are such attractive qualities (to me anyway). I'm also one to have suffered from depression so I get that but if it's clouding you please see your GP for help.

I think you're right. she's gone off you.

I never wanted to have sex with my x because he didn't care about what I wanted. Our lives were set up to suit him. I made all of the sacrifices. He made all of the decisions. I began to feel a hatred for him.

I've enjoyed having sex with men who see/hear me since then.

monkeyface
Thanks so much for posting. It's really relevant and helpful. I'm really grateful that you hit post despite being uncomfortable about it.
I'll try to ask her about sex. (my turn to be uncomfortable) I seem to dictate most of the pace of sex we have. She sort of let's me touch and caress her until she is near orgasm before telling me to finish her off. And I do like to spend a lot of time on foreplay because, as I've said, it makes me feel close to her emotionally too (I am such a girl.) and it feels like that's missing at times.
I'll try to talk to her about it but I don't want her to think I'm just rattling off problems I think there are in our relationship.

hotwaterbottle
Thanks. I've tried to spice things up also, thinking that maybe she was bored ( she has has a more adventurous sex life) but she just seemed put off by any of my ideas.
I've been on antidepressants for a while and in a way I'm worried that I am seeing problems where their aren't any but in another way I worry she's just dismissing any genuine issues as symptoms of my depression.

OP what do you do for yourself.. do you go out with your own friends to pub, football or whatever?

You seem to be constantly available to her and reliant entirely on your relationship with her. That's not healthy.

Does she ever have to wonder where you are? Do you have your own social life?

Because you need to, and it would certainly help.

ahnowted
I have to admit most of the time I don't have any social life. A group of friends and I will get together once every couple of weeks during the winter. Other than that I don't have much. Most of my friends live elsewhere now so I only see them once or twice a year.
I'd wanted to join the hockey team for a while but as it was on her choir night it was a no go until now when choir has its winter break.
I'd joined the swimming club but that didn't seem to get off the ground beyond the first season meeting. I tried to arrange a second but nobody seemed interested.

She really loves her choir so I try to accommodate her as much as possible.

OP you need to spice up your life before you have any chance of spicing up your sex life.

Do something fun. Have a laugh. Invite friends round. Go out!

No better aphrodisiac than a happy busy DH who has his own interests and we laugh, talk and have a good time together.. at least some of the time.

By focusing solely on your sex life you are missing the point. Most women need to be emotionally connected first.

It's the lack of emotional connection that I worry about; that there's a distance between us. I'd probably be fairly content with our sex life if I felt that closeness otherwise. As I've said before I think the lack of sex is very much a symptom of a problem rather than the problem itself. I didn't make that clear in the original post and I should have done.

Take up running !

Done that. ☺️
Took that up earlier this year and enjoying it lots.
Planning on a 10k this afternoon. Just annoyed it's dark before when I finish work every evening so I can't get out more.

I really feel for you and I think this is the reason a lot of men and women have affairs . They don't feel an emotional connection to their partners and don't feel loved . It's often nothing to do with sex . People on mumsnet are so quick to flame people that have affairs but if their partner acts like your wife and doesn't want physical and emotional intimacy with you I wouldn't blame you . Perhaps some of us are just more needy than others ?

Thank.
I really love her and an affair is the furthest thing from my mind. I won't lie, I'd love to feel desired by someone but not gonna happen.
I'm more concerned that she'd rather be with someone who she likes to spend time with.

We talked last night and she said she knew she'd been stand-off is the last couple of weeks but needed to find her rhythm again.

Many have said it, but you need to find your own happiness independent of your wife. Take charge in planning things ... all you need to do is ask her to keep a particular date free and you sort out the childcare and make plans.

Don't act as though your life depends on her either. You can also take the lead with family outings. Find a suitable activity for all of you ... just ensure she keeps the time free and do it.

It's also a good idea for you to do things with the kids on your own out of the house as well. Look online ... find something they'd enjoy and off you go.

Because despite the fact that she appears happy to do everything ... she probably feels she has to, because you don't.

Go away for your weekend and enjoy it.

One thing in your opening post that caught my eye was her coming for affection after you'd not initiated anything with her for a while. I was helping a man in a similar situation, where he was fed up with the constant rejection, but when he didn't initiate for a couple of months she was upset. Accused him of cheating. He came to thinking she just liked the opportunity to reject him all the time.

Thank for the advice.
I find it really hard to plan things for the two of us to do because she doesn't seem to want to do what I suggest. She doesn't want to go out unless there is a purpose beyond socialising and there's not an awful that happens here otherwise. As I've said, suggestions outwith choir/ceilidhs are shot down as not her sort of thing. And I know she gets annoyed if I want to go to choir related things. Either I'm treading on her toes or she knows I'm there because I want to spend more time with her rather than to enjoy the choir. Not sure.

I really don't think she enjoys rejecting me in bed though. When we have spoken about it, albeit in broad terms, she does say she feels bad about it and I totally believe that she does.

You need to just take her out without telling her where you're going. All she has to do is keep the day free.

If what you seem to be saying is she doesn't want to do anything other than the choir and she doesn't want you at the choir, then it's plainly obvious she doesn't want interaction with you outside of the house on a social level.

Added to that she's not interested in being intimate with you .... I have to ask what pleasure are you getting out of marriage to her?

I'm not talking about family ... but her specifically ... what joy and pleasure do you share with her? If you didn't have the kids what would your relationship be like? What conversation would you have and what hobbies would you share if any?

Much of what you say makes me think she's not sexually attracted to you, but there may well be someone else she's seeing.

I don't see that there's much of an emotional connection between you and you just coparent and she gives you duty sex every month or so.

I guess that as long as I avoided things she's already ruled out I could just make plans. I always worry that she'll have a horrible time and just want to leave which would feel like she was rejecting me rather than the situation. Admittedly I obviously feel that way as it is so...

I truly and deeply love her. She's amazing and kind and funny and smart and so so beautiful. The simple interactions we have throughout the day give me pleasure. If I am angry or upset or whatever else, her presence does make things seem better. That's the pleasure I get from our marriage.
I realise that's just feelings though. Beyond that, I really don't know.

Whether we'd still have a relationship if it wasn't for the kids, I think that might be too much of a hypothetical. I don't think we'd be together now had it not been for the kids. I don't know why I think that but I do.
But at the same time I think we'd have spent a lot more time together: outdoors, hiking, camping. I think we'd have spent more time together socially as well, without the need for one of us to look after the kids.
I really can't say though. There's far too many variables. We'd be 2 totally different people than we are now.

I agree that I don't think she finds me attractive. We've talked about it and she says she just doesn't have sex thoughts at all. I really don't think there is anyone else in the past or currently.

Your last line really hits home. That's really what it feel like sometimes (I wouldn't say "duty sex" but "meh, why not? sex") that she doesn't want a husband. She just wants a co-parent and housemate whom she can love but not actually have to deal with much. Like an elderly relative in a home. You love them but you don't want to spend too long with them.

OP you sound like a really decent guy and you are really trying to accommodate your wife.

It sounds like you do your fair share of childcare and housework, you regularly suggest doing things which she rejects and this must leave you feeling very deflated.

To me it sounds like your wife just isn't invested in the relationship any more and I think you need to have a very honest conversation with her. Tell her you love her but this situation is making you miserable and that you need to discuss where you go from here. I would also ask if she wants to stay married to you. I think you need to be a little more assertive, don't be afraid to ask questions. You may not necessarily like her answers but I promise that you will feel better if you are open and honest with her about your feelings and also give her an opportunity to express herself too.

Hi Mantis,

It sounds like you're going thorough something very similar to what I went through with my own wife. Ultimately there is very little advice I can give to you other than talk to your wife. With mine it was very much as case of she didn't really want to fix the problem but stuck at it because it was the easier option. I can tell you now that this doesn't work! unless she wants it too then its very hard to make it work, be honest with her, ask her to be honest with you and then start the discussion together. That is what I didn't do 4 years ago and my world has crumbled around me because of it. Here is a blog post I wrote recently about what happened to me it may not be of any help but I hope that it helps you realise where I went wrong so you don't make the same mistakes selfimposedtherapy.me/2016/11/11/my-first-session-marriage/