I’m scared my wife doesn’t love me.

[Mantis1975]

I certainly don’t think she finds me attractive. We only have sex about once a month and only ever when I initiate it. Even then I’m rejected 3/4 times I try, usually with a fairly sharp comment.
I understand that my wife is often tired when she comes to bed but even if I suggest we go to bed early I’m told she’s busy and not to wait up.
I’ve spoken to her about it but she doesn’t seem to think there is a problem other than she has lots to do or never really feels in the mood. I’d feel like a rapist if I found out she was only doing it for my benefit.. She promised to try and cut down on her commitments but if she has it hasn’t made any difference if she has.
I try to give her lots of non-sexual attention and try to compliment her often and I’ve started working out and taking better care of myself for her (and myself tbf)
I’m trying to help out around the house more but do feel somewhat at a loss sometimes because my standards are never really good enough (although she’s quite gracious about this)
I used to buy her sexy gifts or games like Monogamy or Strip Poker because I thought maybe she was bored with our sex life; She has had a more varied sex life than me and we used to use toys or talk about threesomes but over time this sort of thing has petered out which would be fine except now she seems repulsed by anything sexual at all. All I really want is to feel desired.
I really don’t know what to do. The only time I get attention is if withhold any affection for a few weeks then she’ll notice and seek some but withholding I know trying to manipulate her like that is abusive and I hate myself when I do act like that.
I’m worried that she has fallen out of love with me and that is the real reason for all of this.

Strawberry I think OP has made it clear the lack of sex is a symptom not the cause. OP, confidence and assertiveness are sexy qualities, if I were you I'd work on these in yourself through developing your own interests as a starting point. Could you become involved in the projects your wife has on too?

I've said she might need to cut down on other projects to make time for the house and exercise Fucking hell, I bet that was a turn on! WTF were you thinking? "I see you prioritising your time with things you feel are important, you should try instead prioritising the things that benefit me. Oh, and you're fat".

Stop "helping" or "trying to help" around the house and start doing your fair share without the attitude that it's her job and anything you do is a favour to her. Also "trying" to look after yourself better. You describe her as overweight but attractive, what about you, realistically? Do you have bulging biceps and a six pack? If not, just shut the hell up about exercise and start doing some yourself. Sorry to be harsh but I'm trying to help.

It does seem your motivation for wanting change in your relationship is sex. That's not good news. It should be out of love and concern for your wife, her feelings, her wellbeing, her needs. You should consider couples counselling and see if you can reconnect properly as a couple.

Do not go whining to her about the lack of sex. It will not make her want more, and it's very unlikely that she will have sex with you more often because you express dissatisfaction with frequency or any other aspect of your sex life.

Confusednotcom have you actually read the op? Are you aware that saying 'it's not about sex' then continuing to bring it up rather than any emotional consideration indicates that it is actually about sex. Quite self involved.

I don't really know what my "fair share" is. I try to do as much as I can and often my wife says I do more than her but if I do one room there are still all of the others that need done. As I said, I'll keep trying to do more. I usually like to stop when the kids have gone down but there is nothing saying that I have to stop then.

I only mention exercise when she brings it up wanting to do more. Again, as I said, I think she is gorgeous but I know wants to be fitter and I try to support her in that.
I'm passable. I've not a 6-pack but 4 with the other two definately hiding there somewhere.

I know I've put a big emphasis on sex in these posts and I know I need to do something about my sex drive to lower it. I've started eating more Soy and licorice as these are meant to lower testosterone levels. I've also bought Vitex capsules which I'll start taking once they arrive.
Again, it's just that closeness and romance you get from sex that I miss. The caresses and kisses and holding one-another. Sorry, maybe TMI.

From your last few posts it seems to me that she has checked out of your marriage for her projects, she wants to pursue. She's getting some kind of emotional payoff from this, and excluding you accept when it suits. A relationship has to be more that who does what housework, and childcare. It's point scoring. She either wants her projects or her marriage. You know which she's choosing at present. I'm just not too sure why your putting up with it.

Can you get a babysitter? Maybe go running or cycling together. Set yourselves a challenge & have some fun together? Or ceroc/salsa?

she has checked out of your marriage for her projects, she wants to pursue. She's getting some kind of emotional payoff from this and excluding you accept when it suits. A relationship has to be more that who does what housework, and childcare. It's point scoring. She either wants her projects or her marriage. You know which she's choosing at present. I'm just not too sure why your putting up with it.

Silly little woman - shouldn't be doing anything for herself, maybe next you'll tell him it's ok to cheat? He has needs after all.

Mantis when was the last time you had a real conversation with her? Try talking to her and not touching or trying it on with her AT ALL, do this for a few weeks. Show you care not by trying to have sex with her, because that's not really showing you care. I don't know how to put it more simply.

The housework 'help' and 'babysitting' might be resolved during conversation.

I do worry though if you cut out this part and don't realise it, do you value her at all?

Strawberry you're being ridiculous in your responses. Others are actually trying to address the ops concerns with some constructive advice and you seem to be going out of your way to attack him, could you be projecting all your own frustration perhaps?

OP you sound as if you're trying all the right things, but you need to try to steer your wife into a deeper conversation about her true feelings. It's quite likely she feels she's changed so much since settling down and becoming a mother she no longer identifies with the lover she used to be when it was just the two of you. Is there anywhere significant that you used to go when you first got together that you could take her to, an old film you enjoyed or band you liked? Anything to take her back to a time when the spark was there?

Any chance you could take on some of the kids activities to free up her time that way?

Maybe you should book a weekend away? a spa weekend would be good (if you are into that kind of thing). It would help her de stress and maybe create some chill out time and intimacy.

Is she a SAHM? If so did she have a good career before?
Seems odd that things changed once your youngest started nursery. Was she just bored being at home all day doing housework so has found things to occupy herself?

Also if you are home at 6 and doing housework until kids are in bed, assuming she has also done some during the day, then why would you need to carry on after that? How messy is your house?!

OP I am the wife in your situation, only I have told my DH on a number of occasions in the last few months that I don't feel appreciated and he doesn't listen to me. It sounds like you make more of an effort around the house than my DH does. I have gone off sex completely because it feels like one more chore that I have to complete for someone else which makes the whole act undesirable. I just can't bring myself to do it.

I too miss the closeness and intimacy we used to share and our relationship is suffering as a result but I feel so resentful of the fact I have to work 4 days per week in a very stressful, pressurised job (where I have to bring a lot of work home) and still do the lion's share of childcare outside of work and the vast majority of the house work/domestic organisation (unless I kick up a real fuss) whilst my husband sits on his arse watching TV/playing PlayStation and leaves me to get on with it. Then he wonders why, come bed time, I can't even bear for him to touch me some days because I'm so exhausted and resentful. I know he feels unwanted and unloved but he can't see how his behaviour is causing me to behave in this way. Or if he does, he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. Our home life is miserable at the moment and I tell myself if I just have sex with him, things will improve but then that makes the idea of sex even less appealing. It's not that I don't enjoy sex - I do but there is something psychological that is stopping me from wanting to and I can only think it is because I feel resentful and unsupported. I don't know how I can get past it if he is not willing to make any changes. So I haven't really got any advice for you OP, I just wanted to share with you what it's like from the other side. I feel bad most of the time for rejecting my husband but it's almost like I can't help it.

It's really hard to say
Maybe she is bored ? Maybe bogged down with everything she is responsible for ?
Others have pointed out the way you term "helping" round the house and I think this is a good starting point , don't see it as helping or worse helping to get on her good books ! Just do your share as she does . Take a bit of control " do you fancy a meal out on Saturday if so il sort babysitter book a table etc" be a bit more direct maybe ? I like it when dp does that rather than the endless circle of - shall we go out ? Where ? Oh it's up to you, you pick ! Have you booked it ? Oh il just do it ... It just becomes another chore !

Saying that you sound pretty reasonable I'd just make sure you are doing everything you can and also TALK TO HER !!! Could she be a bit down ? Stressed ?

Also just have in mind that sometimes people can get bored of each other lose the "spark" etc I think that's normal . Some people think marriage will be like some fairytale and so automatically assume something must be majorly wrong if they feel a bit stuck in a rut so just talk to her see how she is feeling and how you two can move on .

Strawberry you're being ridiculous in your responses. Others are actually trying to address the ops concerns with some constructive advice and you seem to be going out of your way to attack him, could you be projecting all your own frustration perhaps?

Yep, guilty...fuck, you know me so well

My last post was actually telling him to talk to her, communication is key. I am also trying to point out the way in which he is speaking indicates a selfish attitude towards the relationship. I think addressing that is important, and speaking directly about it gets to the key issues quickly rather than pandering.

OP - I agree with what clumsyduck says. I'm sure she does love you, but maybe she just feels a bit bogged down or disconnected from herself, if that makes sense? It's hard to connect with someone else if you feel like you've lost your sense of yourself as a woman (as opposed to a mum, wife, etc). For so many women, sex drive can be tied up to how they feel about their body, etc. it may not be about you, just that she doesn't feel sexy or has lost her libido in general for some reason.

Also, fwiw I think you sound lovely. It could be that she takes you for granted too much. My DH is nowhere near as "helpful" round the house as you, but one of the things he has always done is call me from work and say something like, "I want to take you out tonight. I've booked the babysitter so I'll pick you up at 7". Sometimes I think, "nooo, " because I'm trying to get 4 DC organised and in chaos, but once I'm out, I forget about all that and really appreciate him making the effort. He does this because he works away a few nights week, but it really helps us to stay connected and remember why we are actually together!

And as PPs have said, talk to her! She may not even know how she feels because she's so used to putting the kids first (and you possibly). Good luck!

Yeah fair point Strawberry, our posts crossed. I did read your last post and completely agree

I've started eating more Soy and licorice as these are meant to lower testosterone levels. I've also bought Vitex capsules which I'll start taking once they arrive

Do not do that ^^

She's hardly going to fancy you more, the less masculine you become.

In your shoes, I would concentrate on yourself for a while. Keep fit and healthy. Find those 2 abs that are missing. Do not approach her for intimacy at all, and when she does finally approach you, reject those advances as nicely as possible.

Sounds harsh, but you've tried everything else and nothing has worked. And fwiw, I have been in your shoes, did just what I describe here and it worked a treat.

I wondered if you might be my dh. We have three kids but two have autism. He can't understand why I'm not up for it all the time but the fact is he needs to be directed to do things, he falls asleep on the sofa and we never do anything. I feel I have a fourth child and feel knackered and under appreciated.

Sometimes I get touched out. I think for a lot of women kids change things for them whereas for men nothing really changes.

Maybe you should book a weekend away? a spa weekend would be good (if you are into that kind of thing). It would help her de stress and maybe create some chill out time and intimacy.
I did try to book us a weekend away as a surprise but she started talking about taking the kids away to Disneyland on holiday and then with Brexit tanking the pound it really didn't seem affordable.

I have asked about going for runs together or something but she's always refused. Our fitness levels are quite different and I think she may feel self-conscious about it.

Madinche1sea and Clumsyduck
You;'re right. I do need to be more assertive in arranging things but I worry that I'm taking her away from other things and that she'll be more concerned with what she should be doing rather than what we are doing. I think I said about when we do go out I hope we'll have dinner and maybe a few drinks or something but she always wants to come straight home.

ijustwannadance
It's pretty messy. I think the kids become tornadoes as soon as I leave in the morning. They are having fun at least :)
She works a few mornings a week.

I have tried to talk to her about things and she agrees that we arn't as connected as we once were but it feels like it's treated as just something else for her to worry about after everything else and I really don't want to put that pressure on her.

tiredagaintoday

Your situation sounds horrible. It would absolutely break my heart if my wife fells the way you do. I really hope things improve and your husband can make more of an effort for you.

Do you know - I actually checked in case you were my DH writing this, but you've given me enough to realise you aren't.

Maybe if I tell you what's stopping me it may ring some bells (or I could be barking up completely the wrong tree):

1 - I am tired

2 - I am tired of always being the one who sorts everything out, that is spinning all the plates and making all the arrangements (to do things, pay for things, take children places etc)

3 - As DH despite repeated asking does not take up any slack re point 2 I do not desire him as I see him more of an extra child than an adult my equal

4 - I would like DH to not ask me if I want to go out and then expect me to sort babysitter etc - I would like DH to present me with a fait accompli - otherwise it's merely asking me to arrange yet ANOTHER thing

5 - I would like DH and I to find a hobby or something else to do together that means time together in a non household-y non-sexual way

6 - by taking note of the points above I am likely to be reminded of why I fell in love with my DH and thus desire him again

For me sex is a natural consequence of a happy relationship, it feels like to DH the relationship will flow from sex - not sure how to resolve that one.

Good luck

Camembertie

I think you may have hit the nail on the head with some of your points.

#2 certainly. My wife really does run the show in our house. To be honest she seems to run the show with everything she does. She likes to be in control and I let her. Maybe I should stop and take some more of these responsibilities from her.
#3 I'm never asked but will try to take over.
#4 As I said, I really don't want to tread on her toes by making plans without consulting her but if you think that's what she wants I'll certainly give it a go.
#5 I've suggested hobbies or courses we could take together but she never seems all that interested and, again, I don't want to make things worse by taking up more of her time but do you think it may be worth perusing regardless?

Thanks for the advice. I hope your husband follows it also.

Mantis - sorry I missed the part about you taking the vitro capsules. Not sure what they are, but I agree with Husky - please don't do this! Your wife would be devastated I'm sure if she knew that you were on medication to suppress testosterone. Nobody should need to go that far.
Your DW sounds stuck in a rut to me. Could she be suffering from mild depression? Does she have any hobbies or things she likes doing outside the family and her job?

Oh Mantis I really hope I have helped you, it's a crappy situation to be in from both sides

In our case we have both been talking about starting doing a local choir, I think if one of us starts and enjoys it the other one will want to do it too, is there anything like that (I am purposefully thinking non sports based re your earlier comments)

I think arranging something (as long as you both share a calendar and have sight of each others/kids commitments so you are not double-booking) and presenting as a done deal will hopefully work and show that you can be in control too - and if it doesn't then maybe there are other, deeper issues at stake too

Please do keep us posted, I really hope things work out for you both

It does sound like your wife has checked out of your marriage, at least at the moment. The other comments you have resonate with me. Part of the reason why my marriage failed (and I emotionally checked out) was because I didn't feel like my husband was an equal partner. He was often happy to help out if he had specific instructions, but was never able to identify anything for himself that needed to be done and just sort it out without endless questioning and checking.

I didn't need an assistant, I needed a partner.

I'm not sure what the answer is for you, I think the suggestions about taking more initiative yourself are good ones. - for me it had gone too far, my husband was increasingly emotionally abusive and frightening and now (thankfully!) its over.