I’m scared my wife doesn’t love me.

[Mantis1975]

I certainly don’t think she finds me attractive. We only have sex about once a month and only ever when I initiate it. Even then I’m rejected 3/4 times I try, usually with a fairly sharp comment.
I understand that my wife is often tired when she comes to bed but even if I suggest we go to bed early I’m told she’s busy and not to wait up.
I’ve spoken to her about it but she doesn’t seem to think there is a problem other than she has lots to do or never really feels in the mood. I’d feel like a rapist if I found out she was only doing it for my benefit.. She promised to try and cut down on her commitments but if she has it hasn’t made any difference if she has.
I try to give her lots of non-sexual attention and try to compliment her often and I’ve started working out and taking better care of myself for her (and myself tbf)
I’m trying to help out around the house more but do feel somewhat at a loss sometimes because my standards are never really good enough (although she’s quite gracious about this)
I used to buy her sexy gifts or games like Monogamy or Strip Poker because I thought maybe she was bored with our sex life; She has had a more varied sex life than me and we used to use toys or talk about threesomes but over time this sort of thing has petered out which would be fine except now she seems repulsed by anything sexual at all. All I really want is to feel desired.
I really don’t know what to do. The only time I get attention is if withhold any affection for a few weeks then she’ll notice and seek some but withholding I know trying to manipulate her like that is abusive and I hate myself when I do act like that.
I’m worried that she has fallen out of love with me and that is the real reason for all of this.

I think the taking control a bit is maybe we're the sticking point is then .

My ex p did nothing because he was a lazy entitled pig

My dp in the beggining was happy to let me be the one in control not because he was a lazy pig because he was coming into my home and I guess felt like I was the one in charge . They were coming from different perspectives but both still iratatating ! There is nothing so libido killing than having an extra "child" to sort out and organise in the shape of a partner ! Luckily now dp took the hint and stepped up so we are equals rather than him "helping me out"

As I said earlier you seem a good guy from what you have written I just think you need to be more direct with both what you do around the home (ie off your own back not under Instruction ) and also in things like taking your dw out of freeing up time so she can just relax etc whatever it takes

What I will say though is if you do all this and she is still distant maybe the issue is something else this is what talking to her is the best thing she may feel totally stuck in a rut . As for lowering your sex drive that's insane seriously ! And how you talk of you've lost weight your not perfect looking etc etc you can only look so much to yourself here you can't totally be in charge of someone else's happiness and certainly not at your own expense !!

No matter how tired and busy I get with everything I have going on I love the time I have with dp , love going for a night out etc i think that's more normal than not being bothered ? If she doesn't like pubs etc can you not do something else just the two of you ??

Mantis thank you for your acknowledgement, it's appreciated. I have tried to explain to my husband why I feel the way I do, why I am so fed up generally and I get made to feel like my concerns are invalid. sometimes he just laughs at me as though I'm being ridiculous (for which reason I haven't even broached the subject of sex with him!!) But this thread is not about me, sorry for de-railing.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a nice guy and I hope you manage to sort things out with your wife. I do think you need to take sex off the menu for now, as frustrating as that might be and focus on getting back to what was good about your relationship when you first got together. Talk to your wife, tell her you're worried, that you feel disconnected, ask her if she's ok. It sounds like you're trying to pull your weight around the house but it sounds like you might have to step things up a gear. I do sometimes feel like I've got an overgrown child, not an equal partner and it's actually not very attractive. I don't feel looked after or cared for, like I'm just there to service the needs of my husband and child. Maybe this is how your wife feels too? Relationships can be such hard work and I've realised that if you take your eye off the ball, it's even harder to put things right. I'm rambling now! Anyway all the best for the future and I hope everything works out so you can all be happy!

Can't offer any advice on your situation regarding your relationship, being in a similar predicament myself. However, I can say that trying to reduce your libido with hormones, herbal drugs, psychoactives and the like hasn't worked for me. It just made me feel weird, stoned and zombified when I tried. So I wouldn't recommend that course of action without some serious research into the consequences an awareness of the placebo effect and the likelihood of side effects.

Good luck with everything else though.

would sorting out one evening a week where she can relax help out? You could have pizza and movie for the kids and she has time for a nice bath or read a book, etc...
It could help her as you would be in charge for that night (perhaps Friday night). Othrwise whay Husky said, let her come to you.

Strawberry..... Silly little woman - shouldn't be doing anything for herself, maybe next you'll tell him it's ok to cheat? He has needs after all.

Oh sorry, I thought she was in a relationship with him, silly me, he should just fuck off with himself then until she gets her head out of her projects, and decides to throw him some sort of bone. He should step up to the plate, carry on, and keep his head down, like a good chap.

I'd bet your of these women that just wants to dictate how the relationship is going to be. Your partner just has to tow the line.

You don't know me, I will absolutely not be telling him it's OK to cheat, it's over imo, if anyone cheats, but I won't be sending him mixed messages either like you are. There are two people in a relationship, one isn't better than the other because she's a woman....... Seems to me like her needs are well and truly being met.

Forgot to say, trying reading Wifework and the Equality Illusion. they really opened my eyes to how women are treated. they put a lot of perspective on some of the posts on this thread too.

I think, Mantis, that the stand-out point for me in your posts is that you "try" a lot of things.
To me, that doesn't indicate a strong enough change for the positive (but I'm doubtless projecting).

Stop "trying" and just "do". Take on more, tell your DW to sit down in the evening, you will do XYZ task. If she likes things done a certain way, LEARN how to do it that way so you don't have to "try" and you don't have to ask.
(I'm definitely projecting - my DH STILL can't load the fucking dishwasher safely, despite unloading it all the time, because I have to load it prior to washing or things get chipped/broken - he just doesn't learn/see the pattern, which doesn't change. Yes I'm a control-freak over it, but for a reason - no broken glass to deal with!)
Look around you. SEE what needs to be done, don't ask. Work it out for yourself!
When you go out for dinner, she is probably just tired - and maybe she just doesn't get an adrenaline spike from having dinner with you, like she would get from 2 or 3 friends. Or maybe (again projecting) she thinks "why spend money on pub-priced drinks when I have a bottle of wine at home?"

But as others have said - have a conversation with her (I see you've "tried" that as well - stop "trying" and just talk/listen to her!) - really listen to what she says. REALLY listen. Take it on board. And then do what's needed. But STOP saying "I'll try". Just say "OK, I can do that". And then do it.

leaveittothediva Nah...I'm not having this discussion with you.

And it is 'toe the line'.

Just to add on my post, you could do the grocery shopping online (perhaps over lunch break at work?) and have it delivered on that evening so you put it away then. And that's groceries sorted too!

I understand what you say about the house cleaning/tidying up. You could be doing that all the time and once you've finished somewhere start all over somewhere else.

Have you tried asking your wife what she thinks/if there are things that would make her life easier? Things that she perhaps would like to do?

leaveittothediva Nah...I'm not having this discussion with you.

And it is 'toe the line'.

Oh no, you have just realized you can dictate to some of us. Glad you learned something today. Maybe scroll on next time. Do us all a favor. Thanks.

And it's can't dictate. Just in case you feel the need to auto correct.

Keepithidden - hope you don't mind me chipping in about your comment, but I genuinely had no idea that some men take drugs to lower their libido. I'm shocked that anyone would have to take this course of action. Did you do this because your libifo was higher than your wife's? Hope you don't mind me asking.

This sounds very familiar from a previous relationship of mine. I hate to be blunt but the bottom line was I just didn't fancy him. It was convenient to stay together but I had no desire to have sex or to have a full, healthy relationship with him. I never believed that women genuinely did want to have sex or had sexual desires. I think the best thing you can do is stop asking for it. Noone should 'ask' for sex. If it's going to happen it'll happen but in the meantime you're just making yourself feel rejected. If after 3 months or so there's been no sex at all and she hasn't brought up any issues in your relationship, then you'll need to consider much bigger problems than just the lack of sex.

You have had some brilliant advice here. One thing i would say is don't do anything with the expectation of sex - book a weekend or night away but do not make it about sex. It's the most off putting thing in the world. Make it about a food, wine, walks, spa, theatre, shopping, whatever it is you enjoy, But make it clear you have no expectations in that department. Sex won't come until you have reconnected with each other. And there is nothing less sexy than someone doing nice things and expecting sex as a reward. It just makes everything worse.

There was a time when I definately could have taken more of an interest in her, interests but I wanted to give her her own space and I really didn't see the fun in them anyway

This stands out to me as a possible start of your trouble. If you gave her the impression that you thought her interests were boring/not worthwhile then she may well have thrown herself into succeeding at them to prove you wrong. It sounds like she has. Also her describing her own friends as useless is a bit harsh! She sounds rather hard to please (housework standards etc) but I'm sure you could get back what you once had. Show her respect and appreciation, take a genuine interest in her as a person. Plus pleasedevelop your own stuff to do so she can find you interesting and be impressed with you as you seem to be with her. I wouldn't necessarily broach any of this directly with her till you've tried the above.

Strawberry goad off

Camembertie, are you sure you're not my wife? Something you said there really strikes a chord.

12PurpleApples I know I'm guilty of not taking initiative. Mostly I want to follow her lead because I want to do what she deems important rather than what I think needs done.

I've acted on some of this advice and done a couple jobs that normally she would do but has been putting off.

Tiredagaintoday Feel free to vent all you want. It's enlightening to hear the other side of things. I've done a lot to try and show my wife I care for her and to take on more responsibility (that sounds better than help out, right?) around the house but I see that maybe I've been misplacing my efforts. I hope your husband starts giving you the attention and putting in the effort you deserve.

Madinche1sea I've attempted to lower my libido as I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring my wife into something she's not interested in. I really just want that physical closeness without my body suddenly firing blood to my penis, testosterone throughout the rest of me and that little voice saying "maybe we can take this further."

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thanks for your perspective. I think a great man once said, "Do or do not. There is no try." I should follow this.
I hope your DH learns to fill the dishwasher.

Strawberry You're making some good points, even if people don't like they way you are making them.
Leaveittothediva You are too.

OP - by the sound of it your wife is very lucky to have you.
We had 4 DC with roughly 2 year gaps. My DH is lovely and I adore him, but he's also a workaholic frankly, very full on with a very high sex drive. As I said earlier, he's fantastic at taking initiative to take me out on dates, etc, but he takes no initiative round the house. Basically he provides the money and I do everything else
While I was breastfeeding for about 6 months after each DC I felt exhausted and as if my body had been taken over by the baby. I did try to get in the mood because I didn't want DH to feel rejected, but I think he did anyway.
I got my libido back when I got back into shape and because DH is a fitness obsessive I probably did this sooner than I might have done otherwise. I forced myself to get out of the rut, so to speak, because I don't think my DH would have been as patient as you.
Does your wife know you're taking medication? I agree with what PPs have said above, maybe you need to back off and give her a bit of a jolt. If the knowledge you're taking meds doesn't spur her on to make changes, I don't know what will.

Madinche1sea - Yes, post children DWs libido disappeared. Mine didn't, I don't want to leave her so explored as many avenues to cope as possible. I won't cheat though.

She doesn't know the extent of what I've tried, I thought that would be misinterpreted as pressure.

Thank you Madinche1sea, that's very kind of you to say, though you are just hearing my side of things. I obviously don't know what she thinks of things. I probably wouldn't be asking advice if I did :)
I don't think she knows I'm taking anything. I've started taking multi-vits and things which I keep all together so unless she found them and googled it she wouldn't. I've certainly not said anything as, again, I don't want her to feel pressured.
We fell into a similar trap with regards to working, especially when my wife was a SAHM when our daughter was a toddler and only I was working. I felt really undervalued at work and hated it. I'd have quit if it wasn't for my wife and our daughter (we only had the one at the time) so when I came home I'd not do much. Obviously I realised what an utter selfish arse I was being. That was about 6 years ago.
My wife went through the same when she was breastfeeding. It totally exhausted her. I don't know if she tried to get in the mood at all during that time but we both understood that hormones etc. would still be running wild so, from what I remember, we didn't really have an issue.

Mantis - thank you, I hope he learns too! And yes, Yoda had some great advice, well worth following.

Glad you've taken everything on board so well and I hope your wife did appreciate you doing the jobs she's been putting off - but don't worry if she doesn't say anything. And if she doesn't say anything, for heaven's sake don't TELL her that you did the jobs, and especially don't say "I did those jobs for you" because believe me, that takes most of the value out of doing it.

I hope that things improve for both of you - sounds like you've got a good start to build on. :)

Aww Mantis you sound more chipper.

Just a quick ask, if you are my DH please could you find yourself a hobby, go out occasionally. It is stifling knowing you are looking to me for your happiness and wellbeing. I should be an addition to it, not the sole source of it.

As you were

I agree you've got a good start to build on. In the 6 months or so after each baby when I had to make more of an effort around sex, it really wasn't because I didn't love my DH or find him attractive. It was because I was overwhelmed and didn't didn't feel like me.
I suspect this may be how your wife feels too, but it's gone on for longer and she's switched off and become disengaged from that part of herself. This has become a habit for her. Now she's running through life on automatic pilot in a way. She needs to reconnect with herself before she can reconnect with you.
You have said that backing off makes her seek affection, so do this more. What I find a real turn on with my DH is when he just comes up to me at a random time and kisses me and holds me and that's it - no roaming hands or anything else. I'm not saying you were ever following your wife round the house groping her btw, just that sometimes less is most definitely more.
You're really trying, but a relationship is about balance and she needs to remember why she is with you. I know you say she hates the pub (well, I get that, I do too), so go to the cinema or theatre or something. My DH just books stuff and then I can't say no, can I? Make her feel like a woman again.
Nobody should have to take meds to control their libido unless they're a danger to society or something. I'm horrified by this and I'm sure your wife would be too (and yours Keepit). Its ok to tell her how you feel and I think you have to. The fact is she is in a relationship with you and she must sense on some level that you're not happy about the level of intimacy.

Camembertie Yep, I'm pretty sure we are married. Sorry I've put you through this dear. Love you.
I'm thinking of joining the hockey team. It's on your choir night but you'll wont have rehearsals over the winter so... (sorry I'm tone deaf, but as you said you need me home to look after the kids when you're at competitions)
;)

Madinche1sea I'll try backing off and keeping my hands to myself. I wouldn't say I'm particularly gropey but I am a bit of a hugger and perhaps (OK, definitely) go over board with it. especially when I'm feeling isolated.
There is the problem that we live in fairly rural area so there isn't an awful lot to do but I'm sure I can find things. I've suggested going to see concerts of things but she's usually dismissed the idea as not her sort of music. Might be worth just booking it and if it's bad we can, hopefully, laugh about it afterwards.

Thanks so much for your advice. I am feeling a lot more possitive now that I've got other avenues to explore and ways of improving myself.

you say you miss the intimacy but all that comes across is your need for sex and the concept that sex=intimacy

think about this..

say she agreed to sex 4/5/6 times a week great you think...
you would get sex from someone who feels disconnected from you and by god would you feel it.
It will feel lonely and empty and worthless. much like pity sex or sex that's paid for and probably what you get now once a month

true intimacy between a couple =good sex

true intimacy to me is having a partner who shares everything with me,the shit work,the battles,the stress,having my back,listening to what's important to me,supporting me and making my life better and easier for having him in it.

who is her best friend,who does she confide in,who is the closest person in the world to her,what are her hopes and dreams and passions?