I’m scared my wife doesn’t love me.

[Mantis1975]

I certainly don’t think she finds me attractive. We only have sex about once a month and only ever when I initiate it. Even then I’m rejected 3/4 times I try, usually with a fairly sharp comment.
I understand that my wife is often tired when she comes to bed but even if I suggest we go to bed early I’m told she’s busy and not to wait up.
I’ve spoken to her about it but she doesn’t seem to think there is a problem other than she has lots to do or never really feels in the mood. I’d feel like a rapist if I found out she was only doing it for my benefit.. She promised to try and cut down on her commitments but if she has it hasn’t made any difference if she has.
I try to give her lots of non-sexual attention and try to compliment her often and I’ve started working out and taking better care of myself for her (and myself tbf)
I’m trying to help out around the house more but do feel somewhat at a loss sometimes because my standards are never really good enough (although she’s quite gracious about this)
I used to buy her sexy gifts or games like Monogamy or Strip Poker because I thought maybe she was bored with our sex life; She has had a more varied sex life than me and we used to use toys or talk about threesomes but over time this sort of thing has petered out which would be fine except now she seems repulsed by anything sexual at all. All I really want is to feel desired.
I really don’t know what to do. The only time I get attention is if withhold any affection for a few weeks then she’ll notice and seek some but withholding I know trying to manipulate her like that is abusive and I hate myself when I do act like that.
I’m worried that she has fallen out of love with me and that is the real reason for all of this.

Op do NOT mess with your testosterone. Besides causing serious medical problems you'll pile on the pounds and resemble a moody teenager.

Stop suggesting various hobbys that you can both do. Find something that you can do, something you enjoy and regularly gets you out of the house. Stop seeing your wife as a well of happiness that if only you could access you would be happy.

Feeling that someone is dependant on you is really unattractive.

Thanks Matrixreloaded, I know I'm guilty of taking my happiness from my wife. Being with her and spending time together does make me so happy, even when a lot other things had stopped doing.
I'm going to look for other interests and try to get out more. My wife has quite a busy social life but I'm sure I'll be able to arrange things around her.

Thanks everyone.

Damn.
Having a wobble tonight.
So my wife is out tonight and stopping over with a friend.
I got a message from her saying she'll be late in so may not message me. I told her I may well be up as I was planning on painting the bathroom and wanted to do it overnight so it'd be dry by morning (didn't mention I don't really sleep when she's out) and if I was asleep I'd not hear it anyway.

Anyway, so she said she would message if she was sober enough to type.
Really upset me because she just flat refuses to go to the pub with me. She always said it's not about drinking but then why does she always seem to end up rat arsed?
I know I'm being selfish and that she's entitled to her fun but I just wish she was consistent.
Sorry for the rant. I'm being a selfish, self pitying prick and wanted to vent.

I've got a good friend who behaved as your wife is doing. The best advice I can give, having heard her side, is start finding ways to be happy that don't rely on your wife. Going to the pub with your friends if she won't go with you, developing your own interests outside of the family, backing off from her a bit.

You're not being selfish btw and I'm not condoning her behaviour, just suggesting what I think is your best shot to get things back on track. It might take a while.

I would not be happy about my spouse staying out after a night drinking unless it was absolutely necessary. Does friend live very far away ? Do you know this friend ? Would it have been hard to get home ?

I hate to say it Op but I would want to independently confirm that there is no one else involved . Your wife sounds very detached from you.

Matrix
Yeah, they are quite a distance away and there isn't any taxi service or anything after midnight.
I'm not overly worried about an affair or anything like that.

Her drinking just seems to trigger something in me. I feel like she doesn't want to spend time with me at all. It really is just that we used to do that sort of thing together but now she says she doesn't like drinking and just goes for the atmosphere, which I'd understand if she didn't also get stinking drunk.
I'm tempted to ask if she'd agree to stop drinking just to add some weight to her words, see if that helps (I'd be happy to quit drinking too) but I feel I'm being so selfish about it. She's not doing any harm other than making me worried and upset.
She's got another weekend planned in a couple of weeks and I'm terrified about how I'm going to cope.

Do you know there isn't a taxi service after midnight? I've lived in some really rural places and that's really very unusual. The pubs typically shut around half twelve. How does everyone get home ?

I wouldn't ask her to stop drinking but I would expect her to come home after a night out. She's a bit old for sleep overs. Do you know the friend she stays with ?

Yeah, I'm sure there's no way she could have got home. We really are that remote.

I don't really know the friends that well though have met them a few times, including when a couple have had to stay here after a night out where we are.
As I said, the stopping out doesn't bother me too much. I can get to bed a lot easier if I know she'll be home but it is what it is.

A physical affair really isn't a worry.

Mantis - Hi again. If you don't mind me saying, your more recent posts give the impression that you're quite over-dependent on your wife. I don't know if this is because you sense she's somehow checking out, or if it's because your over-dependence is actually suffocating her and pushing her away.
Don't compare her going out with friends to going out with you. It's totally different. Do you act the same way with your mates as you do with her? I'm not much of a drinker, but when I go out with DH it's not about the alcohol (though I am a bit if a one cocktail wonder these days) When I'm out with girls I may drink a bit more, but only because people tend to buy rounds. It's totally different conversation, etc obviously. Both types of night out are important to me, just as I know DH needs his male company as well. I hope you go out with your mates too?
Try not to over-analyse here.

I think I'd feel a bit upset too.

It's like saying you're too boring to go out and get merrily pissed with and have a riotous laugh together. She still wants to do it, just not with you.

I don't think that's being "dependant", spouses are meant to be bezzie mates, aren't they?

Hi, Madinche.
I know I have become more dependant on my wife as I've sort or sensed more distance between us. And as she's spent more and more time on other things I've dropped things to try and make up family or couple time lost to other things.
From your earlier suggestions what is probably going to be most difficult is neglecting time at home for "me time." I already feel guilty enough if I'm ask to do any extra hours at work.

The thing is there isn't nights out between her and I. I think you're right that I maybe need to be more assertive in this and just say "Babysitter is her at 7 and we're going to X."

Elspeth
That she thinks I'm too boring is exactly how it feel. As though all I'm good for is looking after the kids while she goes out. Maybe I am boring and maybe I do need to do more outside the work and family to make myself interesting but, Christ, it feels shitty.
And REALLY selfish for me to want anything more than what I've got.

OP - I really don't think you're selfish at all. Quite the opposite. I think you're compromising too much and in the process you're losing your self-confidence.
At least you don't suspect an affair. This could be so much worse. Try and look at the positives here!
Could you have a weekend away, just the two of you if someone could have the kids? And keep up your own interests and hobbies. I've been guilty of becoming a bit of a martyr to DH and the kids over the years but have more recently dragged myself out of this because I strongly suspect that no good will come of it.

OP I think you sound great and if i were you, I'd be frustrated that my spouse wasn't communicating to me about what the problem is. How are you supposed to know, how are you supposed to change things if she won't be open with you about what the issues are?
And for the posters who say he's emphasising sex too much... well, people who are in love want sex! It's hardly a bad thing in this situation considering he also wants that emotional connection and he wants to be a loving supportive spouse! There's nothing wrong with being disappointed that you are not having sex with the person you love and are married to.
It seems that your wife has retreated from you for whatever reason and it's massively hurtful - the going to pubs with friends would kill me. (If my dh was happy to go out with friends and not with me).
When my dh and I were having problems there was a book that really helped us...helped us to see that there was a really unhealthy dynamic in our relationship. It involved my dh distancing himself from me which drove me mad (but then I was being a pain in the neck too). I can't recommend it enough! Let me google it as I can't remember the authors name

"How we love" by Milan Yerkovich. It's sold on Amazon. Honestly reading it you just see yourself and what you're doing...so helpful in stopping that downward spiral in a relationship.

Thanks for your kind words. They are incredibly encouraging.
As I've said, you're only really hearing my side of things and her perspective might be hugely different.

I do wish she'd talk to me about things. I'm sure she can't be unaware of things but, I don't know, I don't want to be the one bringing it up whenever we do talk. I feel like I'm moaning or being overly needy and that she doesn't feel like anything is wrong beyond, well, me.

Thanks for the book advice. I'll get a copy :)

So here's were I am,

We spoke last week. She said that she had noticed I had been doing more around the house and that she felt a bit put out by it but that was probably post weekend away blues.
I'd said that I was sorry I'd been distant since she had come home and explained that her time away always affects me because we do so little together and it hurts that she seems to do these things with other people and not with me. She actually offered (more out of anger than anything else) not to drink the next time she was away but I said that would be totally unfair on her.

I know that it is totally unreasonable of me to want her to feel like she did 6 years ago but I still feel like that towards her. She still is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing when I wake up. It's probably unreasonable to expect her to feel like that too. You probably shouldn't still adore someone after being together 14 years.

I'm going away for a weekend in a couple of weeks and I sort of want to cancel it so I don't seem like I'm happy to go for a weekend away but worry when she is away. I feel like a total hypocrite but I'd love to have a similar time with her whereas she doesn't want to share her party time with me. She just keeps saying it is the singing she loves but the pictures and things only show the pratting about which I want us to share. (I was invited to a party that was thrown in her honour after kicking up a fuss a couple of years ago and there wasn't any singing. It was all just pratting about, which was great fun. Except she seemed to leave any room I walked into :/ )

Anyway, I know I need to just accept all of this and be happy with what time we do spend together. She clearly doesn't see that there is a distance so maybe there isn't.
I really think I need to move on mentally and stop caring so much.
Maybe men that spend every night in the pub have the right idea :)

Sorry. I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Your relationship sounds dreadful and you are clearly not happy. Both you and your wife should be able to have fun with each other and other people.

You probably shouldn't still adore someone after being together 14 years.

I think you know this is not true, and I think you're saying it because you think your wife clearly doesn't adore you. It wont matter how much house work you do by the sound of it.

I feel for you. My dh often complains I'm not affection but he's like a fourth child, two of our children have Sen and he's prone to groping me which I really don't like.

I'd be concerned if we went out and he left a room every time I entered. It does suggest something isn't right.

Does she sound kindness to you? You know even buying your favourite food or anything like that?!

You sound like you're really trying.

She does obviously care about me. She does tell me she loves me and, despite the name of the threat, I don't doubt that. But what you say about your DH does strike a chord with me. I feel like my wife treats me like another child. I've probably acted like it and now I'm just reaping what I've sewn.

I'm really trying to show her that I am actually an adult and actually someone she might like to spend time with but I'm not sure that's what she wants. She seems happy with our relationship. Not with other things, most notably the house, which is also why I'm taking on more of an active role there. I just don't know though.

I'm really starting to think that I've got a warped view of love, whether from TV and Movies or from my own parents, and that I'm being totally unreasonable.

So she's happy in a sexless relationship with a man she does nothing with ? Maybe so, but are you happy ? It sounds like you are not.

My stbex was not exactly the same but I feel like you are describing me to a tee when you talk about your wife. I guess I was a bit of the alpha person but only because he never took any initiative to do anything and I mean everything from housework, kids, house admin, finances, holidays, days or nights out. Never once in 20 years did he book a meal and take me out. I felt like a housewife, taken for granted. He did "help" quite a bit but mostly when asked. He never went out anywhere, had no interests or hobbies, had nothing to talk about other than football or work. I started resenting him, lost respect, was lonely with no communication, bored to tears with him. A night out would fill me with dread. What would we talk about? I'm not saying you are exactly the same but you cannot build your life around her. It's suffocating. Be assertive, get some interests, take charge, be confident.

In part what would you do if you were single and looking to meet someone? What would you talk about? I'm sure my dh finds me boring because I don't do a lot but mostly that's because he isn't home from work until late and I'm facilitating his hobbies. Sometimes I think my dh has taken a wife and that's all I've become. He isn't hugely interested in anything I have to say and to be honest a lot of the time I feel like I'm his child care and also someone to have sex with.

We revisit the same conversations and nothing changes. I want a partner.

Maybe you need to look at yourself. Your interests and not build them around her. It sounds like you are trying and sometimes sadly if the other party doesn't want to save them you could be the most perfect partner in the world but it wouldn't make a difference if they've checked out.

Growapear
I've suffered with depression and anxiety so me not being happy probably isn't always a good measure of reality. I feel like I should be happy because she seems to be. When we talk the onus seems very much to be on me accepting things.

Hotwaterbottle1
Thanks for your advice. I'm definitely trying to follow through on this sort of thing. I've joined the local hockey team which I'm really enjoying (though it is on the same night as her choir rehearsals so when they start up again I might have to give it up rather than be reliant on babysitters every week) I've started doing some of the jobs that she normally would. And I've booked us a night out next weekend. I'm wavering over being excited by it or worried that I'm expecting too much from it and I'll just end up being crushed when she says she's tired and wants to go to bed (TO SLEEP!) at 12. :/

Hopefully I get points for effort though...

msqueen33
I feel the same but without the sex.
As though sometimes I'm only tolerated because I look after the kids so she can go to choir.

I'm really starting to feel guilty that I want to spend time together. I already feel guilty that I find her attractive. I think she'd be happiest if I was just her teenage son. Someone responsible enough to be left with the other kids, did some chores around the hour, knew they were expected to be involved in family outings but otherwise didn't want to be seen with her.
I'm being glib but get my point 🙂