DH has me worried

[Okwhat]

I am a regular but NC as I don't want this linked.

I'm not sure if this is in the right place but I'm slightly freaked out at the moment.

DH and myself were watching tv and were kissing, I told him I don't want sex and he said ok. Carried on kissing (you know that way that's leading up to it) so I stopped and decided to go chill out in bed as I'm up early.

He followed me and kissed me again, pinning me against the wall and groping me. I moved his hands away several times and told him I'm going. I moved away from him and headed towards the bedroom.

Then he followed me into the hall and was more aggressive. Kissing me, aggressively almost, groping me and trying to pull my trousers down slightly with one hand and other hand was near my neck. I pushed his hand away (where he was at my trousers) and he pushed me back till we bumped into a cupboard. And he moved his other hand to my throat a little tight whilst whispering what he wanted and rubbing the outside of my trousers.

I tried to push him away but he's a lot stronger/bigger than me. I feigned hearing DD so I bent to pick my bag up and he tried to pull my trousers down at the back. I grabbed bag and went to bedroom. (I co sleep with DD and DH sleeps in separate room).

Feel a bit odd to be honest. That's not like him but his behaviour has made me nervous.

Don't know why im posting really.

I'm going to head to sleep now because again I'm early. But thank you for your help and advice. Don't think im ignoring any of it, because im honestly not.

There are several red flags here op...

*The first, and biggest, is the throat grabbing. This is not a usual thing in sexual relationships unless it is spoken about before, and choke play takes a lot of trust, talking and understand...not to mention a safe word, or gesture to indicate that you have had enough. I say this, because unless you do this as a usual method of erotic play, there is NO WAY that it was any thing but abusive, and that is fucking scary! And it is fucking scary because abusers usually (not always) escalate in severity. The fact that he pretty much went straight for your throat means there is NO escalation... think on that! There is nothing in his "toolbox" now with which to "convince" you to submit to him.

*Then there is the minimising straight after you told him.

*Coupled with his erection, which was a reaction to your fear towards him. He liked that, he liked that you feared him. It turned him on

*Then he texts you an apology. But when you see him, he kicks off at you & announces that HE is ignoring YOU...and all you did was object to being assaulted, see how he turns this on you... "how DARE you be mad at me that I choked you and almost made our child motherless, while sexually assaulting you"

*Then come the water works. The one things that he knows will pull on your heart strings.

Has he even asked how YOU feel? Because you haven't mentioned it. If now, that just shows doesn't it, that this is all about HIM! It's OK for him to cry, but what about your pain, your fear? Has he offered to get anger management? Or counselling for his " sudden" outburst? I say "sudden" because I think, if you truly look back, you will see that there HAS been other things there op. There always is.

Please look up the cycle of abuse, op.
And stay safe.

There is nothing in his "toolbox" now with which to "convince" you to submit to him. That isn't a good thing, by the way op. It means that he needs to keep upping the ante now. There is only one path after strangulation.

Thanks.

I think I'm going to leave. He tried it on with me today and told him no. He said 'fine'

PLEASE - don't THINK about leaving. DO IT. Now.

It's not 'fine' though, is it? That's not the behaviour of a loving partner. Sounds like he has no concern for you and your feelings at all.

Don't think he does.

It's not that easy just to pick up and leave.

It'll be harder if he actually chokes you until you pass or. Or breaks your arm. Or something like that.

So he's never done anything like this? What's your relationship like normally?

I personally think it sounds a bit dramatic to leave. If he's not done it before maybe he just misread the situation??

Okwhat - no it won't be easy leaving but it will be so worth it in the end, freedom from fear and violence. Take care of yourself and ask for help from people you can trust.

We will be here to egg you on if that helps.

buckyou - choking is serious, dangerous and frightening. Don't minimise just because you don't understand this.

buckyou "he just misread"? OP
was sore after he grabbed her by the neck, and then tried to pull her trousers when she bent down!
There is no coming back from that, protect yourself OP and your lovely DD. I am scared for you.

She didn't say that he had choked her though. I could be wrong and he could be a complete dick but if she's been with him for 6 years and he's never shown any of this kind of behaviour.. then there's this one incident which was taking it a bit far from there usual teasing.. I'm just not sure it's definitely a LTB offence.

It's not easy to leave, OP, but once you've done it, you can start to heal and move forwards.

Many offenders are truly sorry after the offence. But it doesn't stop them doing it again, or worse. His apology sounds genuine but sadly that means very little in the grand scheme of things.

OP, you're on the right track now.
All the good advice and guidance, that you need, is here, at your fingertips.
We will support you all the way. Please, for yourself and your little daughter, be brave. 🌺

I know non of you will believe me but if someone is physically aggressive, I deal with it. I fight back if need be.

But sexual violence is different to me. I freeze. Can't fight back. Because it reminds me of being a kid where I couldn't fight back.

I believe you. Its very common to freeze, paticularly if you have had previous trauma.

It's also complicated because you have feelings for him and he says he's only doing it because he loves you. If he were just being out and out aggressive / mean / nasty, you would find it easy to respond appropriately, but he is playing with your feelings, making you feel guilty, keeping you uncertain and off kilter.

It's a horrible situation for you to be in. Don't worry - people do and will believe you, and understand that it's not easy, at all.

I believe you too.

OP sorry to hear what has been happening to you

I just hope you find the courage to leave because what he is doing isn't normal behaviour!

He knows how traumatised you are by what happened to you, and now he is deliberately triggering that trauma and punishing you for not responding in a sexually available manner. He is turned on by your distress.

That, coupled with the strangulation, suggests that your husband is a deeply dangerous man. It's really important for the future that you have an official record (Gp or police) of his violence.

I believe you- it's the exact same with me.

I think it's because we are taught that violence of any kind is not OK whereas we are always taught sexual stuff in terms of grey areas and not to rock the boat.

I'll see how things go today because it's his last day off before he's back at work

Thank you all for your support

If he's not done it before maybe he just misread the situation?? Seriously? How do you misread a situation so fucking much that you choke your wife?

You know he choked her right?
Sexually assaulted her?
Got an erection when he heard how much he scared her.
Minimised it, and tried to make it her fault
Sulked with her and refused to talk to her
Then tried it on again while she is still fragile after the incident.

Read the cycle of abuse, read about DV. Choking is one of the worse things that an abuser can do to his partner, and is usual an escalation after several months/years of abuse. Yet it was op's husbands opening gambit! Yet you think she is over reacting?