DH has me worried

[Okwhat]

I am a regular but NC as I don't want this linked.

I'm not sure if this is in the right place but I'm slightly freaked out at the moment.

DH and myself were watching tv and were kissing, I told him I don't want sex and he said ok. Carried on kissing (you know that way that's leading up to it) so I stopped and decided to go chill out in bed as I'm up early.

He followed me and kissed me again, pinning me against the wall and groping me. I moved his hands away several times and told him I'm going. I moved away from him and headed towards the bedroom.

Then he followed me into the hall and was more aggressive. Kissing me, aggressively almost, groping me and trying to pull my trousers down slightly with one hand and other hand was near my neck. I pushed his hand away (where he was at my trousers) and he pushed me back till we bumped into a cupboard. And he moved his other hand to my throat a little tight whilst whispering what he wanted and rubbing the outside of my trousers.

I tried to push him away but he's a lot stronger/bigger than me. I feigned hearing DD so I bent to pick my bag up and he tried to pull my trousers down at the back. I grabbed bag and went to bedroom. (I co sleep with DD and DH sleeps in separate room).

Feel a bit odd to be honest. That's not like him but his behaviour has made me nervous.

Don't know why im posting really.

Just got home. Had a major argument with him because he's saying I'm accusing of trying to rape me.

I told him if he'd raped me he'd be in police custody.

He's being a complete dick about it. Told me he's not bothering with me for a few days till I don't think I'm scared of him anymore.

Then walked away from me and closed the door.

Making you think it is all your fault, you are blowing it out of proportion and then sulking.

Sounds like he is really sorry.

He clearly doesn't really think he has done anything wrong and is trying to make himself the victim.

OP - ideally, you should ask him to leave but I suspect he wouldn't go. Therefore, if there is some friend or family member you can go and stay with, pack a bag with the immediate necessities and leave. Seriously. This man is a total arsehole of the highest order and you need to get away from him.

So what was he apologising for, exactly? Was that not an admission that he knew what he was doing?

There's no where I can stay. I could go to stay with my sister and her husband but she's the other side of the country.

I'll be ok.

Why do you not have any friends nearby?

Has he isolated you from them over time at all?

That is awful, he effectively over powered you physically and hurt your neck, what's normal about that - he's not even sorry which is even more abnormal.

It's not even about sex, it's control and power, he must like making you feel small and vulnerable then he can really feel like a man - what a pathetic excuse he is, stand your ground and if I was you I'd be spending as little time as possible with him, he should be begging you for forgiveness, twat.

Hi - this is really worrying OP. I am concerned for your safety. In any universe in which I scared and worried my partner by trying to proceed with sex after receiving a "no" - I would be utterly utterly horrified, contrite, and would back WAY off for quite a while. Instead, he seems to be punishing you for saying no and calling him out on what he did. That is very worrying, and a clear marker that he has no respect for your consent, safety, or autonomy.

Putting ANY pressure on your neck is VERY edgy and dangerous "play", and should only EVER be undertaken with clear consent and knowledge of how to do it safely.

I'm more and more worried by the "had an erection while you were telling him how upset you are" detail. I didn't put too much stock in it at first, in all honesty, but it increasingly seems like he gets off on scaring and humiliating you.

Would he leave if you asked him? If not, can you get you and DD to a safe place? Where are you - can we help?

If I have to read another thread about a man not taking no for an answer I'm going to scream.

That's nothing on you op, it just shows you how many entitled twats there are.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you by the way op.

Nobody should be groped and frightened in their own home by someone who claims to love them.

OP, I Just wish that you had reported him. He is passing the buck.
If he didn't do anything wrong, why is he sorry ?
I'm sure the police, would beg to differ. 😡

Also, FGS, no more comments on cosleeping here. It's irrelevant to this issue and not the place to get your views in.

My now ex-husband was like this, except he never went for my neck thankfully, and that I was more passive and cowed than you so there was less scope for confrontation like you had last night.

When I talked to him about it (or tried to, he actually didn't listen), he gave cursory apologies but he minimised and also said he was 'just joked' and he couldn't help it. He made it all my fault. He was very forceful, and in the end I didn't feel safe at all around him. I was right not to feel safe as it didn't end well.

I don't really know what to suggest except if you don't feel safe with him in your own home then you need to look at your options. Really for your neck to still be sore this morning isn't right either.

It took me a long time to realise my ex was choosing to behave like this. And even now it's hard to think it's a power or control thing. You have done nothing wrong.

I meant he was 'just joking'.

"God, just drop it already!" ..."Im really sorry, I wont do it again"..."Ive apologised, thats it, just drop it already!"

Sounds to me like the "apology" was just him trying a different way to get you to brush it off.

"A man sexually assaulted me and threatened to strangle me"

since when did those events suddenly become 'understandable' for any reason?

It doesn't matter what the sleeping arrangements are, when you last had sex, who he was or where it was, those actions are not OK. He broke the law. If he doesn't like you being upset then he needs to do something about it.

OP - you don't sound ready to throw him out, and he sounds quite aggressive and ready to fight over this, so I can see why you just want to avoid confrontation. BUT = please, please, speak to someone about this. Either log it with the police or go to your GP to log it. Because he will escalate it, quite possibly soon, as you haven't been a good girl and done what he wants. So he'll need payback. If you end up being able to leave this marriage, or have to call the police sometime, then having a history of this recorded somewhere will really help you. He knew you said no, he wasn't trying to turn you on, he just wanted sex and really didn't care how you felt. He was willing to use violence to force you. None of those are things you should downplay or just get over.

OP he's basically following the abusers handbook here. He apologised, minimises, makes you feel you're overreacting, gets angry and tries to make you feel like you're the one doing something to him. What he did was terrible but his reaction to you telling him what he did was wrong is far more worrying. He thinks he's entitled to your body and isn't happy that you've told him he isn't

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, I must admit I'm worried about him grabbing you around the throat, then getting an erection when you explain to him how he treated you so badly, then getting mad with you, when he is so clearly in the wrong. Just a bit of advise, please stop the scenario where you seem to being persuaded into having sex, you may be sending each other mixed messages. Please don't think I'm in any way minimizing what he's done to you, I'm not. And I'm also not blaming you in any way, what he did is clearly assault, and if your neck starts to hurt more or you get headaches you must see a doctor, don't just shake it off. What's worrying me the most is that he's not faffing around you trying to make amends. He seems mad with you. This is off. He says he thought you were just still playing, he clearly needs help with boundaries, as he's pushed more than his luck this time. Luckily, the children didn't see. He's obnoxious. Hope you resolve this the way you need to.

I think that you should see your GP , explain what happened, and have yourself checked over for potential injuries. Attempted strangulation can have pretty serious consequences. Your later posts suggest that you are not seeing the red flags with the same degree of danger that everyone else does, but if you do feel in the future that you are ready to leave, the fact that his existing domestic violence is on record will help you.

After I put DD to bed at 6pm we talked. And talked. And I drank.

I told him that it hurt me physically and it'll take a long time to get my trust back, if at all.

He told me that he was really sorry for his behaviour and he actually got quite upset. The only time I've ever seen him cry before is when his dad passed away. He told me he was seriously in the wrong for lashing out at me and being a dick to me earlier today but hearing he hurt me made him defensive.

I do believe him. I know I probably sound like a complete moron but I do believe him.

I'm going to keep a personal diary of it, so if it happens again I'll report it.

Posted too soon. I blame the alcohol. Oh before anyone worries, I don't share the bed with DD, she sleeps in her bed and I sleep in the sofa in her room (yes, odd for you maybe but it works for us. And the sofa is really comfy)

I cuddled up to him and I was half asleep and he was stroking my hair. He thought I was asleep and said 'I'm really sorry I hurt you, I promise it'll never happen again baby'

I've come to bed now and again before I came in he told me that he loves me and he's very sorry he hurt me and made me frightened of him. That he hopes he can gain my trust back one day.

Yes, it's in his interests to soften you up now. Because he knows full well that actually it was attempted rape, and unless he can persuade you that it was less serious than that he might end up in jail.

You aren't a moron - nobody wants to believe that their husband is dangerous.

But please get your injuries checked out.

Take care of yourself.

My neck is fine now, not hurting at all. Promise .

I'm not letting it slide though. I'm keeping a record.

I was raped 12 years ago at the age of 13 then was sexually abused and raped from ages 13-19, periodically. He knows about it - The glossed over version but he knows. And when I told him it worried me and took me back to that time that's when he started crying and told me he was really sorry for scaring me. So I'm prepared to forgive for now. But like I said, I'm logging it personally.

To the user asking about friends basically was it his fault, no, the few friends I had only ever contacted me when they wanted to use me for lifts, borrow money or to whinge about their lives while not giving two shits about me. So I cut them loose. Got a couple of friends but I wouldn't trust any of them with anything I didn't want everyone else to know. IYSWIM.

☹️💐