DH has me worried

[Okwhat]

I am a regular but NC as I don't want this linked.

I'm not sure if this is in the right place but I'm slightly freaked out at the moment.

DH and myself were watching tv and were kissing, I told him I don't want sex and he said ok. Carried on kissing (you know that way that's leading up to it) so I stopped and decided to go chill out in bed as I'm up early.

He followed me and kissed me again, pinning me against the wall and groping me. I moved his hands away several times and told him I'm going. I moved away from him and headed towards the bedroom.

Then he followed me into the hall and was more aggressive. Kissing me, aggressively almost, groping me and trying to pull my trousers down slightly with one hand and other hand was near my neck. I pushed his hand away (where he was at my trousers) and he pushed me back till we bumped into a cupboard. And he moved his other hand to my throat a little tight whilst whispering what he wanted and rubbing the outside of my trousers.

I tried to push him away but he's a lot stronger/bigger than me. I feigned hearing DD so I bent to pick my bag up and he tried to pull my trousers down at the back. I grabbed bag and went to bedroom. (I co sleep with DD and DH sleeps in separate room).

Feel a bit odd to be honest. That's not like him but his behaviour has made me nervous.

Don't know why im posting really.

Oh and I have no one to confide in. Two sisters that blame me for their problems and no best friend.

I'd be extremely worried by this. I could stay with someone who gets an erection at the thought of scaring me, someone who sexually assaulted me and who put his hands round my throat. So many red flags it's untrue. Please be careful OP, I'm actually worried for you and your safety with this man.

Sorry that should say I could NOT stay with him.

Please don't stay with this man OP, does he watch violent porn ?
He's scary !

I don't understand those telling you to talk to him...he tried to choke you and may have raped you if you didn't manage to get away.

The only thing to do is to report him to the police, before he tries again and succeeds on either count.

Not backing up his case but maybe the separate rooms is starting to affect his behaviour regarding a healthy relationship. Then he TALKS to his wife, he doesn't sexually assault and choke her.

OP had your partner been violent to you in any other way everyone would be unanimous in telling you to call the police and get away. Sexual assault really shouldn't be any different. Exactly...but everyone wants her to talk to him...if this happened with a stranger, or even an acquaintance NO ONE would advocate that op talk to him

His reaction at you telling him how scared you were is awful..op I think you seriously need to reconsider how safe you are with this man.

He's not done it like this before and genuinely seems remorseful.

I don't know what porn he watches as he claims he doesn't (BS) I know he used to just watch 'normal' porn, so will give him the benefit of the doubt.

Just went home to pick DD up and he asked me if I was going out all day to avoid him. I said no I'm spending time with DM and DD. He's pissed at me now, saying its ridiculous that im having to spend time away from him.

Like a PP, so many red flags here OP. Maybe call your doctor if you can't face reporting him to the police right now? A good GP will support you through this and get you some help. You need it - I don't like the sound of him at all. Abusive and coercive, then minimising your experience and feelings. Very bad.

"He's pissed at me now, saying its ridiculous that im having to spend time away from him."

Or in other words "you're making me feel bad about how I acted, I want you to pretend like it was nothing so that I dont feel bad about it".

OP you might like to speak to someone irl about this - rape crisis have been a good listening ear for me before, perhaps you could contact them?

I think what your DP did is very scary. Sometimes men push the boundaries further and further, but slowly over many occasions, so that when they finally rape you, they say things like 'well you let me do X Y and Z on these other occasions' to stop you reporting, or to make you feel like it is your fault.

Talking to your GP may help, so what happened is clearly on record. If you want to leave him though, and/or report him to the police for the sexual assault, then do it - the sooner the better. Don't wait for anyone to give you permission (I felt like this, like I needed someone to stand up for me and insist on me going to the police. It took me ages to realise no one was ever going to push me to do it. Then I realised I wanted to).

So he is not remorseful, is he?

He thinks attempted rape is something you should be over within 12 hours.

There will always be a next time OP .... ☹️

It really does not matter if he has done this before.

He was choking you, op. There is really nowhere else to go after choking...well there is...

Just went home to pick DD up and he asked me if I was going out all day to avoid him. I said no I'm spending time with DM and DD. He's pissed at me now, saying its ridiculous that im having to spend time away from him. So now, he is minimising your fear and worry regarding the incident. Typical.

I'm trying to picture this in terms of an appropriate, healthy response to realising that I'd physically hurt a loved one by being too rough. I can't begin to imagine forcing someone to have sexual contact that they weren't enthusiastically welcoming and how I would feel to have this pointed out afterwards.

OP you know that this isn't healthy, loving or respectful behaviour from this man. His reaction this morning is very worrying.

I think you should tell him that yes, you are indeed avoiding him today as you need time to think what to do next.

Not to excuse his behavior in any way, but do you think that in his mind, because of the co-sleeping, he can't initiate sex and do the whole foreplay thing in bed (where it would have happened pre-baby) where it would normally happen so he feels he has to try and initiate it before it reaches the bedroom stage.
that's why he's being too full-on when you're downstairs.
He sounds a bit desperate.

I agree with the other poster, that if he's desperate for sex, he should discuss it like an adult and not behave like he did.
But, I do wonder sometimes whether this business of co-sleeping does marriages any flavors, really

Your first post was bad enough, but your further updates each time you have contact with him are more worrying. He should be mortified with embarrassment if he had misread you last night (and I don't think he did) not getting errections and getting pissed off. I would tell him he needs to pack in with his childish behaviour and getting annoyed, and think whether he wants to put some work into saving his marriage, as he doesn't seem to realise how much he has crossed the line. I'd also look into some counselling (together if possible) and get your head straight about what is going on here and whether you can get past it. I know sometimes it seems like people get OTT on here about posts, but this is not one of them. Getting turned on hurting and scaring your wife is not acceptable. He needs help!

I think its gone beyond joint counselling. He's in a bad mood as he is trying to deny what he has done is wrong. I would not sleep with him unless he admits he is wrong but all I see is entitlement.

I think you are seeing his true colours and it is scaring you. I wouldn't stay LTB but look into your options if that is the case and move more of your stuff into that room. Make it clear that you don't feel safe with him right now and that any sort of intimacy is off the menu unless he admits he has crossed your boundaries.

Don't let it be known that you are looking into options for leaving should it come to that. If he wants to save the marriage he is going to have to work real hard. If he doesn't you have your answer.

Will update when I get home. I'm out with my DM and DD just now.

I do wonder sometimes whether this business of co-sleeping does marriages any flavors, really

And you chose a thread about a woman whose partner sexually assaulted her to speculate about this?

To translate your post: "Not to excuse his behaviour in any way... but it's because of what YOU did." Because the really important thing in the discussion is not to support the woman, but give immediate attention to the feelings (and justification) of the man.

Most cosleepers manage perfectly good sex lives in places other than bed. Cosleeping has EXACTLY ZERO to do with this situation.

Sorry but he sounds just vile, nothing about your posts is acceptable.
No way would I be able to get past last nights behaviour.

backonitmonday He does not sound desperate. He has sexually assaulted the OP. He is, therefore, a total cunt and the OP should leave him. Sorry, this is unforgivable and inexcusable in my book and I cannot understand anyone finding even one tiny shred in anything the OP has said to make any aspect of this incident have an acceptable reason behind it. In fact, the most recent update about him being pissed off makes it almost vital, in my opinion, that she should either leave or ensure he leaves. I don't think there is something here worth salvaging or go to counselling about.

I'd bet my bottom dollar he's watching a lot of Porn. With some violent scenes. There seems to be mild violence in most porn, goodness knows why? I think it conditions men into thinking that women enjoy this shit. And whilst some women may, I daresay the majority would not. Otherwise, why the sudden change in his behaviour? Not excusing it at all, btw. If you've never role played like this before, it's a very risky step for him to just assume you'd enjoy that.

What's with this co-sleeping? I don't think that's healthy, tbh. How old is the child? Totally irrelevant to the situation you're in, but separate bedrooms is the road to disaster I think. Mind you, you're not going to be eager to share a bed with him now!!

He does sound vile.
appologies for not reading the full thread.

If you've never role played like this before, it's a very risky step for him to just assume you'd enjoy that.

He didn't assume anything, he doesn't want her to enjoy it. He became aroused when OP said he frightened and hurt her. He was deliberately trying to hurt her.

So sorry this has happened to you OP

My co sleeping has nothing to do with this. We usually have a good sex life. (The room he sleeps on, sofa, landing, stairs, car).

We tease each other a lot. But last night was too far. He's sent me a message since I last posted saying he's really sorry and it'll never happen again.

I've told him if it does, he leaves.