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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OW says she has just miscarried

101 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 13/10/2016 20:46

I can't think straight. DP and I separated a few months ago after he admitted he had been having an 8 month affair.

We started talking again, he stopped seeing OW about a month ago and we were tentatively discussing a way to maybe move forward with our relationship. We have a 3 year old DS and had been together for 13 years.

She contacted him 2 days ago saying she was miscarrying his baby. He has only just told me (in front of our DS).

I've walked out the room and shut myself upstairs. He is angry at me as he says it's hard for him, that he told me as he needed friendly support!

He just came upstairs. I told him I dont think she was ever pregnant, she posts her whole life on Instagram and only yesterday was she arranging to go out clubbing this weekend.

She is 12 years younger than us and plays ridiculous games on social media and she basically taunted me when He left me for her.

I know it's bad but I told him if it is true then I can't support him in his sadness and that if I'm honest, I'm glad she miscarried. I know that's horrid, but he has put me through hell for so long. I've worked so hard at recovering myself from the damage he caused by the affair, with him rubbing her in my face when he left and publicly humiliatin me, I can't believe that he nearly just had a child with her.

I feel terrible having these thoughts but I dont know what to say or do. I feel sick.

OP posts:

PeggyMitchell123 · 13/10/2016 22:37

Yeah you need to get some self respect and ditch this shit head. He will never change and his actions tonight proved that.

Lynnm63 · 13/10/2016 22:42

I don't remember your original thread but from the few lines on here I'm sorry but he is a cunt. A narcissistic, heartless cruel cunt. He has gone out because you aren't supportive, because he's hurting. He's lucky you didn't kick him in the nuts.
To tell you in front of your ds, unbelievable. I'm afraid the OW and he deserve each other. I also don't believe for a second she was actually pregnant.
He didn't need to share this. There is no baby, so he's sad, oh well, never mind.
You deserve so much better.

BerylStreep · 13/10/2016 23:01

Yes, walk away.

He really doesn't deserve you.

flopsypopsymopsy · 13/10/2016 23:06

Ditch him.

The fact that he is attracted to this vacuous self absorbed cow tells you a lot about him anyway. He sounds like a prize prat.

bloodyteenagers · 13/10/2016 23:32

He truly is a cruel bastard.
He devastated you in such a nasty way to begin with.
He fucked off for several months to be with her. He would have also enjoyed her taunting on social media. If he gave a damn about you, he would have done something, anything to stop this. He did nothing.
They eventually split up. And at a time when you should have been possibly sorting out the problems, he was still in contact with her. Don't do this anymore to yourself. Kick the waste of space to the curb where he rightfully belongs. You own him nothing. You have given him more than enough. The fact that you let him move straight in was more than enough for this poor excuse of a man.

ohfourfoxache · 13/10/2016 23:39

This guy is a complete tosser. All he's interested in is himself- fuck anybody else's feelings.

You so need to ditch him. You are worth so much more than this

DefinitelyMaybe122 · 14/10/2016 00:00

How awful for you OP. He has lied, cheated and sneaked around and now this. If he had any care for your feelings after all he has put you through recently then he would not have told you about this at all. He would have spared you the extra anguish. To do it in front of your son as well??? The man's an idiot! Seriously, what did he expect you to say?

He has no right to be angry with you. If it was the other way around and you had been the one playing away from home and been pregnant with another man's child and miscarrying would he give you any sympathy or friendly support? I think not!

If she ever was pregnant then I'm sure by the sounds of her character that you have described to us that she would have been broadcasting it all online, with daily #bump updates and photos. The details of the miscarriage would also have been on there too for all to see. It's probably all just been a ploy to get him back in contact and then hopefully back in her bed.

Regardless whether she was or wasn't, it's very early days and only you will know in your own heart if you feel that you can eventually imagine yourself getting past all this and if your relationship is really worth trying to salvage or if this is the end of the road.

Take all the time you need to process things. Hope you have plenty RL support and good luck to you and your son for the future whatever you decide to do.

Take care x

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2016 09:56

Wow OP.
This is just crazy.
I'm not one for LTB with infidelity but this guy is prick of the highest order.
You KNOW you can do and you deserve better than this narcissist!
He wants YOUR sympathy for getting another woman pregnant.
He really is deluded!
He treated you appallingly when he left and you took him back.
You tried. You really did.
But this last episode. No feckin' way is that OK.
Give yourself some time and head-space to really think this through.
This will be your life now with this dick-head.
Is that what you want for the next 10-20-30 years????

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 14/10/2016 10:52

I remember your holiday thread OP.

She's playing him (most likely) and he, in turn, is playing you.

You deserve better.

ravenmum · 14/10/2016 11:26

He doesn't care about your feelings. You need someone who does care about you.

It's natural to be angry with the OW but don't forget that he probably doesn't care about her either. If they do ever get together she will be taking all the shit he has given you. He is not a prize, don't worry if she "wins".

My ex is now off with his OW, who would like a child with him (she's 37 and childless). He told her he wanted one too but I doubt it was true. After 2.5 years of being "official" there's no sign of a child and he looks very shifty whenever I say anything about his potential new family. He'll probably mess up her life a lot worse than he did mine. OW was also extremely selfish and stupid, but she doesn't know me and fell for his lies. I can't drum up full-blown compassion but I don't need to hate her either; she's got the booby prize.

You sound as if you could do with a period of separation to get your thoughts sorted out a little. Have a think through the ins and outs of staying or leaving. How would either route work out? Are you perhaps just afraid of leaving because of a fear of the unknown? Make it less unknown - look into how it might work in detail - and maybe that option will seem more appealing.

adora1 · 14/10/2016 11:41

Yip I remember your thread too, it's all about him, he doesn't give a toss for your feelings, 8 months of lying, deceiving and having sex with another woman and you took him back, you're mad OP, I hope this latest selfish example of it being about him finally gives you the push to get rid, you must know you can't trust him at all, he's a complete liability and embarrassment to you.

LIZS · 14/10/2016 11:51

I'm sorry he's putting you through this again. I also recall the previous thread. I think the potential pg has just thrown all your fears and doubts into the foreground and forced you to face the implications of his behaviour and risks he willingly took. Stop stalking her on FB, she is not your real problem. Whether she was ever pg is a moot point. The fact he has reacted so extremely makes me wonder if he ever really finished it.

gettingitwrongputtingitright · 14/10/2016 13:14

Please please bin the stupid fucker.

PerpendicularVincent · 14/10/2016 15:23

He's an awful man and you don't deserve this. I understand wanting to hold onto your marriage, but he isn't respecting you or mindful of your feelings.

Cover him in vaseline, ram him up OW's arse and be free of the pair of them.

WindPowerRanger · 14/10/2016 17:05

All the time she was taunting you, he must have known she was doing it:- I imagine he was linked to her on social media.

I also remember the holiday thread. And now this. This man is never going to treat you well, he sounds truly horrid and actually quite cruel. OW or no OW, I do think you are better off out of the marriage.

normastits5 · 14/10/2016 17:47

What perpendicularvincent said! I couldn't agree more

lostowl · 14/10/2016 17:50

"The love of your life doesn't get other people pregnant.

Op, respect yourself."

THIS

HyacinthFuckit · 14/10/2016 18:10

I know my problem is not her, that it's him, she owes me nothing and all the usual script but I can't move away from that

Not sure about that actually, I think it's ok to still identify someone as a problem when they tried so hard to humiliate you so recently. And when they apparently still have sufficient influence over your DH to make revelations that he responds to by acting like a twat. I mean, she has enough power to have a part in a situation where your DH makes a completely inappropriate revelation in front of your small child. That makes her your problem. There's an argument about OW having no duty to you etc, but I think that can only be made if she's behaved with any dignity. It stops applying if she drags you on social media. Your DH is the bigger rather than the sole problem.

That said, I agree with a pp that it isn't relevant to you whether she's telling the truth about having been pregnant or not. It would be relevant if she was going to be the mother of your son's sibling, but for whatever reason, she's not. You've correctly identified this isn't worth saving, and whether she miscarried or not, your DHs response to her news has given you useful new insight into what a worthless arsehole he is. If more were needed, that is.

HughLauriesStubble · 15/10/2016 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

P1nkP0ppy · 15/10/2016 09:36

He's a truly spiteful arrogant bastard, isn't he?
She's a stupid, vacuous bimbo who clearly doesn't possess a single brain cell if she thinks life has to be lead on social media.
Do you have friends or family that can support you op? I wouldn't let him back in the house, pack his bags and tell him she's welcome to have him, you can do better.

Offred · 15/10/2016 10:31

How do you wear a bikini whilst miscarrying?

I think this will prove to be a watershed moment for you op.

He not only jeopardised your relationship through his behaviour but your family by conducting himself in a way that means a pg was believable.

He handles things selfishly by using your son to keep you quiet and expecting to receive support from you.

I hope you make him stay away now.

balence49 · 15/10/2016 10:42

Kick his sorry ass right out! And my bet is that he will run straight back to her. And that will just go t prove exactly what he is.

EmeraldIsle100 · 15/10/2016 10:57

nothing to add other than to say you deserve so much more. He will do it again. You will have a wonderful life without him dragging you down. Be brave and hold your head up high and don't take this crap from anyone.

BlueFolly · 15/10/2016 11:32

Can't believe the way he uses your child to his benefit like this. That is low!

HandyWoman · 15/10/2016 12:07

OMG. Selfish, spineless, thoughtless immature Manchild.

He is not the prize.

Let him go, he isn't worth it.

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