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Original poster

OW says she has just miscarried

101 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 13/10/2016 20:46

I can't think straight. DP and I separated a few months ago after he admitted he had been having an 8 month affair.

We started talking again, he stopped seeing OW about a month ago and we were tentatively discussing a way to maybe move forward with our relationship. We have a 3 year old DS and had been together for 13 years.

She contacted him 2 days ago saying she was miscarrying his baby. He has only just told me (in front of our DS).

I've walked out the room and shut myself upstairs. He is angry at me as he says it's hard for him, that he told me as he needed friendly support!

He just came upstairs. I told him I dont think she was ever pregnant, she posts her whole life on Instagram and only yesterday was she arranging to go out clubbing this weekend.

She is 12 years younger than us and plays ridiculous games on social media and she basically taunted me when He left me for her.

I know it's bad but I told him if it is true then I can't support him in his sadness and that if I'm honest, I'm glad she miscarried. I know that's horrid, but he has put me through hell for so long. I've worked so hard at recovering myself from the damage he caused by the affair, with him rubbing her in my face when he left and publicly humiliatin me, I can't believe that he nearly just had a child with her.

I feel terrible having these thoughts but I dont know what to say or do. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Jinglebellsandv0dka · 13/10/2016 21:49

I wouldn't believe she was even pregnant. My cousin used this excuse when her BF finished with her so it does happen.

You shouldn't have took him back op. He should be doing the complete opposite of what he is doing now

EweAreHere · 13/10/2016 21:50

Oh dear god. I remember the holiday thread. Why on earth are you still with this a*sehole?!?

Seriously. What on earth are you thinking?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/10/2016 21:50

AnchorDown has said what I was about to. Your H is not/has not done what he needs to do in order to try and repair your marriage.

He seems to have absolutely no comprehension of what he has done to you with his betrayal in the first place. Let alone asking for support with the news that his OW has miscarried his baby!

How did he decide to try again with you OP? Did he leave the OW, or did she dump him?

He seems to have so little respect or consideration for you. Although I am, myself, attempting to repair my marriage after H had a brief affair - there is no way I would even consider it in your circumstances.

I'm so sorry for everything this man has put you through.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/10/2016 21:52

Also, whether or not the OW was ever pregnant (possibly not, given her Instagram posts) is not even especially relevant.

Her behaviour is not your main problem. Your H's definitely is.

DorindaJ · 13/10/2016 21:55

He sounds horrid. I can't imagine someone who could be so selfish, so uncaring of your feelings OP, that he would expect you to support him in the potential consequences from his betrayal of you.

Yup, I am an increasingly rare thing on MN (sadly), a proud and keen LTB advocate. Women should not stay in crap relationships for the sake of the children. Please get away from his man, he is appalling.

Kennington · 13/10/2016 21:55

Good luck to him with her. They both sound rubbish. Go ahead and push him towards her, it will end in tears if this is their behaviour and personality. Both sound utterly immature.

Original poster
Notgoingtobeamug · 13/10/2016 21:55

Yes, the holiday thread was me.

I guess I got taken in by his promises but his reaction and handling of this has just shown his it is all about him. If he truly had an idea of the harm and hurt he had caused he never should have told me. He should have dealt with it himself, however hard.

I've told him not to come home tonight. To be honest I don't care if he even goes to her, in a way it would be a relief instead of his mind games. I think I'm past fighting for this relationship.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 13/10/2016 21:56

I think she is lying and he is a arse to expect you to feel sorry for him. He is cruel to tell you in front of your child. She sounds like a nasty drama queen. You and your child deserve better treatment. You are not a monster to not want your child to have a sibling in these circumstances. Take care of yourself and dc.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 13/10/2016 21:58

Social media is a fake life.
Assume her pregnancy was fake also.

OohMavis · 13/10/2016 22:01

You deserve better. You know that, don't you?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2016 22:02

I think I'm past fighting for this relationship

And I think that's a very good way to feel. You can't fight for something if the person who should be fighting alongside you isn't fighting, too. And he's not. He's said 'sorry', but other than that what, really, has he done to prove himself worthy of you?

Turn your 'fighting spirit' and energy to yourself and your child. Use it to build a new, more honest life. Without him.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/10/2016 22:03

Flowers OP.

This will get better. I promise.

When I first told H to leave, I thought I'd never cope (I have 3 DCs) and I felt as though as my life was over. My future gone.

Now, a few months later, I am fine. H & I are "dating" again but he doesn't live with us. He is still living with his mum. We see each other maybe three times a week. I still love him, and he is genuinely doing all he can to prove himself to me - but I now know that if things don't work out between us, I'll be fine. My DCs will be fine. I have a future either way & am actually managing the house, DCs and work just fine.

Best of luck. Wine

pinkyredrose · 13/10/2016 22:04

Why are you putting up with his crap? Four weeks ago he was still with her and now you're trying to make it work? Don't you think you would benefit from some time alone to think about what you want from life? Has he moved back to your home? Oh and please get an Sti screening!

ohtheholidays · 13/10/2016 22:07

Your husband and the OW both sound unhinged OP!

I would honestly end the relationship because your husband has serious issues and doesn't even see it in himself!

I wouldn't want one of my DC growing up around someone that thought it was okay to cheat whilst married then leave and allow the person they'd cheated with to go out of they're way to wind they're ex up then come crawling back and in front of his own child mention the miscarriage and expect you to feel sorry for him,none of that is normal behaviour!

Your husband sounds like a narcissist!

gettingitwrongputtingitright · 13/10/2016 22:07

Tell him to fuckoff to the far side of fuck

BastardGoDarkly · 13/10/2016 22:15

Holy shit, I can't believe you gave him a chance when you got back from that hellish holiday!

It really is fuck all to do with her, he's a gold plated bastard, who has no qualms whatsoever, putting himself and his wants above your and your child.

Flowers
UnGoogleable · 13/10/2016 22:16

He doesn't deserve your fighting for him - it's time to fight for a better life where you don't feel worthless and where someone will put your needs above their own.

Leave him to play with the youngsters on Instagram while you build a life.

Flowers
DoinItFine · 13/10/2016 22:22

He is an absolute bastard and you are dead right to stop fighting for this relationship where you are treated so badly.

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 13/10/2016 22:24

He's fucked off out to wallow in self pity because you weren't sympathetic enough about ow's alleged miscarriage? What a fucking cunt! OP please know you can do so much better than this self-absorbed prick.

PutUpWithRain · 13/10/2016 22:25

Coming at this from a very different angle than others, but you will be ok on your own, OP. Eventually, you will be.

I didn't realise how toxic my relationship had become until a few weeks after it was... um. 'paused'. That realisation made me end things between us (after 16yrs, and with 2 DC) Every week since then (nearly a year now), I'm reminded of ways in which I was controlled, how unhappy we both were. And my exP has continued to behave like an absolute shit, which has only convinced me further I was right to end the relationship.

It's fucking hard at times. But I'm in control of how I feel, I don't have to manage my emotions to suit his, and I'm not constantly exhausted.

He's a shit, he has let you down, hurt you, betrayed you, shown you no respect. Imagine how life could be without having to deal with that on a daily basis. It's not all sunshine and roses, but you'd get some control back.

FrancisCrawford · 13/10/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 13/10/2016 22:30

Op, walk away.

WeArePregnant11 · 13/10/2016 22:34

I front of your DS???!! Is he insane? He sounds like an inconsiderate jerk.

WeArePregnant11 · 13/10/2016 22:34

You deserve more than this, OP!

Flyingbellycopters · 13/10/2016 22:35

It wasn't a one night stand or weekend fling. It was an eight month affair that's only just finished. Probably because he realised grass isn't greener.
You deserve so much better. Move on and move up. It's of course always scary and being with partner can seem lesser of two evils when being single parent is staring you in face. But can you really get over this? And even if you can, then at least give yourself more time and don't have him moving back in with you or asking you for emotionally support. You're not his friend you're his partner who has been treated very very badly.