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Original poster

OW says she has just miscarried

101 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 13/10/2016 20:46

I can't think straight. DP and I separated a few months ago after he admitted he had been having an 8 month affair.

We started talking again, he stopped seeing OW about a month ago and we were tentatively discussing a way to maybe move forward with our relationship. We have a 3 year old DS and had been together for 13 years.

She contacted him 2 days ago saying she was miscarrying his baby. He has only just told me (in front of our DS).

I've walked out the room and shut myself upstairs. He is angry at me as he says it's hard for him, that he told me as he needed friendly support!

He just came upstairs. I told him I dont think she was ever pregnant, she posts her whole life on Instagram and only yesterday was she arranging to go out clubbing this weekend.

She is 12 years younger than us and plays ridiculous games on social media and she basically taunted me when He left me for her.

I know it's bad but I told him if it is true then I can't support him in his sadness and that if I'm honest, I'm glad she miscarried. I know that's horrid, but he has put me through hell for so long. I've worked so hard at recovering myself from the damage he caused by the affair, with him rubbing her in my face when he left and publicly humiliatin me, I can't believe that he nearly just had a child with her.

I feel terrible having these thoughts but I dont know what to say or do. I feel sick.

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 13/10/2016 21:19

Would he fuck!!

Booboopidoo · 13/10/2016 21:19

I'm a firm believer a relationship can only be fixed after an affair if the cheating partner takes full responsibility for what they've done. That means acknowledging they could always have chosen another route even if there were problems, fully appreciating the level of betrayal their partner will feel and doing any and everything necessary to rebuild trust.

Your DP is failing on at least the first two points and probably the third as well. If he had any real understanding of what he's done to you he wouldn't be asking you for sympathy and understanding about anything connected to OW, all his focus would be on what you need and it patently isn't.

I'm sorry to be blunt OP but it's not possible to repair the damage to your relationship unless he can prioritise you over everything, any issues with the OW are wholly his problem and asking for your support is shockingly insensitive.

hildredmubble · 13/10/2016 21:21

Run, run away!

However all the 'She probably wasn't even pregnant' leaves a nasty taste with me, as my ex said that to his ex when I was having a threatened miscarriage, as if that made it ok to sleep with her again. As I was bleeding, he accused me in public of faking the pregnancy. I didn't lose the baby, and DD is now 9. It hurt, though, and if I had lost the baby not only would I have lost my baby, been left by a selfish fuckwit and cheated on, people would question whether I was a crazy liar, too, which would really hurt.

You say OW is young, younger people live differently regarding SM. It's not bad, it's just different, it takes a different role in their lives.

Totally understand your anger at him, but don't waste any headspace over whether she was or wasn't pregnant. Either way, she deserves pity and compassion.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 13/10/2016 21:21

First up, as another poster gently pointed out to me the other night, it's really early days. My ex left me for OW in May - I kidded myself I'd be 'better' by now, and it was actually a relief to have someone say "No, it'll take a little while longer". It took away some of the pressure Id been putting on myself.

Secondly, I can empathise. I had just begun to make tentative steps to a workable relationship with my ex (in terms of co-parenting) when he announced his GF had just had an abortion. I had many of the same emotions as you; and the first and foremost was that he and she (who has lost custody of her own DDs for reasons which my ex is less than willing to share) had had unprotected sex with no thought about the impact that might have on my own DS and her estranged daughters.

Let him go and let her go. It's painful, but I now know my ex and I will never be 'friends' because I don't respect him, and he doesn't respect women. Let yourself feel angry, and use that emotion to let him go.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/10/2016 21:23

I'm so angry at him, for having un protected sex, for doing something that would have been a permanent part of my sons family. My son could have ended up with a sibling all because he couldn't be arsed to wear a condom!!

And he expects me to support him??

You sum it up very well.
Your anger is completely justified.

magoria · 13/10/2016 21:24

He only finished with her a month ago! That is way too soon for you to be making plans to get back together.

How can you have been discussing and sorting things before this as he was in a relationship with her?

Think less about how she lives her life on social media and more about how he chose to have an affair with her, a woman who lives her life on social media. A woman he knew would post all this.

It seems to be all about him, him, him and what he needs. Screw the fact that you are reeling from another woman maybe carrying his child.

How has his selfishness changed at all?

normastits5 · 13/10/2016 21:24

I'm sorry for you op , your DP is totally wrapped up in himself at this point and temporarily incapable of considering the impact of his actions on his family. You must be really strong now and give him clear messages about what you will & will not tolerate. I would distance myself from him and limit contact to DC only. Some distance will give you valuable thinking space and time to work on your own needs. Be kind to yourself and good luck

CoolCarrie · 13/10/2016 21:25

I bet she is lying and just trying to wind him up. What a arse to expect you to be sympathetic about his fuck up and to tell you in front of your child is sick. Tell him to grow up & think about your child & wife who are here now, not his bit on the side! You are not being a monster to not want your child to have a sibling with someone who sounds like a right shallow tart!

Wdigin2this · 13/10/2016 21:25

I agree, it's highly likely she was never pregnant!!!

SlottedSpoon · 13/10/2016 21:28

Have no idea whether she was really PG or not - who can know? But you need to make it clear to him that if he needs a sympathetic and friendly ear then you are most certainly not it, and how ridiculously self absorbed is he to think that you should care about how he feels about this?

Original poster
Notgoingtobeamug · 13/10/2016 21:28

I don't feel like I owe her pity and compassion- she gave me and my son none of that when she was getting into a relationship with a man in a committed relationship. She publicly taunted me. Quite frankly, I hate the girl.

I know my problem is not her, that it's him, she owes me nothing and all the usual script but I can't move away from that.

I hate him right now, he has gone to see a friend, he says he needs someone to talk to. He said he felt he needed to tell me as he promised he would be honest with me but I told him I wish he never told me, that I don't want to be involved in his grief and it was selfish of him to tell me.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 13/10/2016 21:29

I think in a way this is a big wake up call for you..

You don't forgive him and none of his behaviour is in any wya making up to you.. He feels you should almost be finding ways of making him stay..

HermioneWeasley · 13/10/2016 21:30

If he needs friendly support he can find it elsewhere

To expect it from you is cruel. Of course you're relieved she's not having his baby. It's perfectly understandable to feel that way. You didn't cause the miscarriage (if indeed there was one).

Owllady · 13/10/2016 21:33

You can't support him, you need to look after yourself and your son
The situation of you helping him seems awful
Xxx

Original poster
Notgoingtobeamug · 13/10/2016 21:34

He told me in front of DS to soften my reaction. DS was playing and had no idea, I just stopped talking, stated into space for about 5 seconds and then walked out the room. I didn't say a word and went upstairs.

He has form for this style. He told me about the affair on the second night of our holiday. It was the middle of the night, DS was asleep in the same room and I was stuck in an all inclusive resort with him for another 5 nights.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 13/10/2016 21:37

You don't owe her pity and compassion. You are not obliged to feel those sentiments towards her. Yes, your partner is the main player in all of this, and it is him you should be directing your anger at (deservedly) but anyone who suggests you should be feeling empathy towards her has not been through this.

GeekyWombat · 13/10/2016 21:39

Oh OP, did you post from your holiday? I think I remember your thread. I'm so sorry this is still going on and that he's been so utterly crap.

He is cruel and unreasonable and you and your DS deserve better.

Horsegirl1 · 13/10/2016 21:39

Why the hell u even getting back with him ??? Honest u deserve so much better. They both sound vile. Move on and leave him behind because he will do it again . I cannot believe he expects you to give him support for this. What a bloody cheek . LEAVE THE BASTARD PRONTO

Horsegirl1 · 13/10/2016 21:41

I wish you well OP . You really do deserve better xx

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/10/2016 21:42

Bloody hell, it's him. I remember the thread.

The man is a colossal dickhead. Tell whomever he is with that they can bloody keep him. Give yourself a break.

hildredmubble · 13/10/2016 21:46

Her main crime is that she's fallen for the same shithead you did- I don't think you can criticise her too much for that, as you did the same. And have now taken him back.

You're right, she isn't the issue. But making sure your DS doesn't learn this is how men treat women, and that this is ok, that is the issue. LTB.

GabsAlot · 13/10/2016 21:47

how disgusting-so thats twice hes told u smething on purpose wheere he kew u wouldnt be able to lose your shit

horrible man-how do u even know hes stopped seeing her-and even if he has that she didnt kick him out

UnGoogleable · 13/10/2016 21:47

I remember your previous thread OP.

Be gentle on yourself love. None of what you have written here is unreasonable, you're perfectly reasonable to have no sympathy for the woman - and I agree, it's highly likely she was never pg to begin with anyway.

She's a bitch and he's a cunt. You deserve WAY WAY more than this.

sarahquilt · 13/10/2016 21:48

Wtf? He needs a huge kick up the hole. Boot him out and don't look back. She sounds like a total c word op. Cut them both out of your life.

Starlight2345 · 13/10/2016 21:49

Gosh I remember the holiday thread...This guy is very calculating and cruel...He does everything to stop you expressing your emotions..

My Ex used to do this..I wouldn't argue in front of child then he would refuse point blank to discuss anything at night.. So whatever I was upset about would pass...It is no way to live OP..

He does not care about your feelings , to be blunt.

I also wonder if he has convinced you how your behaviour makes you responsible for his..He could of spoke to you, refused to live with you he didn't have to have an affair and tell you on holiday where you were stuck