Husbands affair

[Bluebird6]

About 3 and a half years ago I found my husband was texting a woman he had met on an online game. They were saying they loved each other in some of the texts. I confronted him and he said it just got out of hand that it didn't mean anything. I tried to call the woman but she never answered. About a week later just before xmas she text me with a screenshot of my hisband saying he wish they were at the hotel sleeping together again. He promised it was only one time, they live opposite ends of the country. A few weeks after he said he would stop contact Ifound out he had called her, he said it was to close things. I was devastated why would he talk to her again after she grassed him u to me! Does he love her that much?! Now three years on he is in contact again I haven't confronted him yet but I don't know what to do. We have been married over 20 years so has she! I know from what I saw she wants to be with him but neither wants to move to where the other lives because of the kids. He told me he didn't love her before that he was foolish made a mistake and regretted it he sobbed ad begged to stay. I don't know if its been going on all the time or just started up again. I don't want to lose him but scared he wont give her up its like he is addicted to her!

[BastardGoDarkly]

What a bastard.

I Hope you find your anger and pack his bags op.

You'll get shot loads of excellent support and advice here, from all the women that have unfortunately been exactly where you are.

I'm so sorry

[user1474193901]

Check the EntitledTo government run website... It will list all the tax credits, housing benefits etc you could be entitled to... It takes a while to fill in, work hours, children's ages, wages, etc. But it confirmed to me that I could afford to leave. Plus you can claim tax credit from the moment your relationship is over, even if your still in the same home. I put my claim in two months before finding a home to rent with my boys.

[HappyJanuary]

I've been where you are OP, and understand the need to hold it all together because you fear a future without him.

Find the courage to do it, you won't look back.

I wish I could be there to see his face when he realises how badly he miscalculated and how much his life is about to change.

Prepare for begging, pleading and self pity.

I'd bet anything she won't want him when he's single and he'll end up alone. Good. He's treated you like shit for the last time.

[Bluebird6]

You have all been so helpful so much to think about. He is all smiley at the moment unaware I know. I want to wipe that smile off his face big time

[onmybroomstick]

Oh I'd want to wipe that smile off his face too

[Guiltypleasures001]

How about telling him
He is your shining star in what could have been a hum drum life that should do the trick

[ICuntSeeYourPoint]

Get legal advice. If you have worked part time or spent fewer years at work as a result of caring for the children then your equity will not be split 50:50, you will get a bigger chunk of the house, considerably more if it means you can keep a roof over the dc's heads.

[Bluebird6]

GuiltyPleasures001 I am going to wait til tomorrow night say exactly that then walk out not telling him where I have gone and go stay with my
Friend the night I've already arranged the night out with her haven't told her what has happened yet. I bet the colour will drain from his face 😡

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

If you really, really want to save your marriage I do know of one woman who managed a situation like yours. She was pretty sure he'd been faithful apart from this one woman. He wasn't a serial cheat. She was like ice, moved him straight out, kept contact with dc to a minimum and made sure, in speech and action, precisely what he'd lose in every sense if she ended the marriage. Memories, respect, his reputation among his friends and at work, money, and, most importantly, the damage it would do to his children. Then she sat tight.

Basically she scared the shit out of him. It only worked because when it came down to it, he adored his kids, and despite his cheating, loved his wife. He might have fantasised about the OW but that was all it was. Everything he valued was within their family. She made him grovel and he had to give her access to his media. He had to convince her he'd learnt his lesson. It seems to have worked, but I think it's very unusual. Most cheats go on cheating.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Good luck bluebird

I for one like your style, but really sorry for the stress this must be causing you, what a pair of wank badgers

[Bluebird6]

I made him give me access when I first found out but he works shifts so I am not always around the same time as him I guess he finds a way. She must be more important to him than me and his kids.

[MagicChanges]

Oh Bluebird I know so much about those words that you've read going round and round in your head - this happens to me a lot of the time and 4 months down the line......they just pop into my head and I get enraged and they were SO shit - he was falling over himself to please her and a dozen apologies if he thought he'd upset her and he's just NOT like that at all. He said he was "inordinately blessed" to receive a photo of her grandchild and in 45 years I've never heard him use the word blessed! Oh and he was inviting her on a walk and thought they could "linger a while in the daffodil wood............." YUK. But my god they hurt and there are dozens more. Mind I did write her a 14 page letter telling her what I thought and telling her she didn't know X "he isn't who you think he is" and I then told her she'd seen a persona he had adapted and told her what he was really liked. I suggested we meet up face to face but didn't think she'd have the moral courage to do that and of course she hasn't.

Surely you must be able to find this woman's contact if she's e mailing him - or texting, and as for social media, are neither of them on. Have you checked her kid's list of friends - you can PM someone even if you're not friends with them. You could google her or look on the electoral roll - there has to be a way to uncover her - she shouldn't get off scot free.

Does he leave his i pad about - must have done as you wouldn't have seen it. I'm not very good at IT and only use a laptop - don't have a smart phone or i pad. One of the biggest shocks for DP was when I said I wanted to see his itemised phone bill - he went white and said "I don't think you get them with a smart phone" - I said bollocks" because I pay for my grand-daughter's phone and know you get an itemised account. Mind it was an awful awful shock to see the daily phone calls over months and months.

You must have more control than me as I'd never hold it together until tomorrow night. Did the kids know about the other times? If they did then he has played fast and lose with their emotions too hasn't he and that puts things in a different light really.

[MagicChanges]

Me again - this isn't an excuse but I do think men in the main have very fragile egos and are incredibly susceptible to flattery and I don't think it means he doesn't love you and the kids, he just wants this on the side. My DP convinces me that he never stopped loving me and has done everything to re-build our r/ship but it's still touch and go with us.
He's not providing a very good role model to the kids is he - especially as they are teenagers............

[Bluebird6]

Daughter saw the message he sent me before I saw it! She was in bits and son wanted to knock him out. They seem to have forgotten it now though. Her husband isn't on fb

[Bluebird6]

Yes I think he loves the attention and the excitement of someone new. When you have only had one sexual partner it must be a thrill. But theres more to it than sex because of the distance I think he is besotted with her. The first messages I found it seemed they had had an argument and there were lots from her saying how much she loved him and him crawling back at her like you mention. Scared stiff she was going to stop messaging him

[Haribogirl]

Ditto electoral roll, that's where I found out she had a partner off 38 yrs!
You know her full name, town ?? put it in google search see if anything comes up address wise.

[MagicChanges]

What message did your DD see bluebird was this last time or this time. And it was a message to you? Or do you mean to her. He seems to be very careless with his messages.

[Bluebird6]

When she sent the screenshot to me daughter saw that

[Bluebird6]

I found her crying with her brother then they told me what she had seen

[Bluebird6]

That was the first time three years ago. I saw some messages then on hos phone and I phoned her and she didn't answer but text me that screenshot. The string of messages I found recently were on his ipad when he was at work. That was an argument they seemed to have had as a lot of apologising then the shining star comment. Lits of affectionate nanes used like sweet cheeks, darling, sexy face!

[Simonneilsbeard]

Sexy face ..dear god ..I know you're chucking him out but can't you let him stay and stick wax strips on his balls while he sleeps? ..I know totally unhelpful but it would be very satisfying!
Well done you for being so strong x

[hellsbellsmelons]

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night OP.
And I hope you have a good evening and night with your friend.
Don't ever forget to take care of yourself.

[MagicChanges]

That's so awful that your teenagers saw that screen shot that OW sent to you. She really is an evil person - presumably she sent it after an argument between them to drop him in it without any thought for you and the children. I think you're a better person than me because I'd definitely be doing something in her direction...........and letting her H know.

Anyway hope you get a break this weekend - think you said kids are going to GPs.....they'll probably guess won't they that he's up to his old tricks. Maybe you do need to think about separating. Can you stay at your parents with the kids while you get things sorted, or another relative or friend. I know it's difficult but not impossible. He doesn't deserve you or his kids.

I told my DP that I'd tie a bow of ribbon round him and dump him on her doorstep and she could have him..............but of course that didn't happen. In fact I think she was cooling off by the time I found out. Someone said (quite rightly) that if he lost you and the kids he wouldn't be calling her any of those ridiculous names (sounds like he's about 14) and he'd realise what he'd done - but could be too late. I'd never forgive my DP if he did it again............ever.

Look after yourself Bluebird and you could separate out - many women on here have done it and I'm sure could offer practical and emotional support.

[Bluebird6]

Hi the kids don't realise I told them I said I was going out tonight did they want to stay at nans as wasn't sure if dad might have to work so they are. She sent me they screenshot after I had found out and called her number and he had told her he had to end things. I think maybe she thought then if I knew the truth it wasn't just texting I would kick him out and she would get him.

[adora1]

Men have fragile egos

If that's what has helped you get through your OHs affair then that's your choice but please, it is an excuse, not all men act on any invitations of an affair, they love their partners too much.