Husbands affair

[Bluebird6]

About 3 and a half years ago I found my husband was texting a woman he had met on an online game. They were saying they loved each other in some of the texts. I confronted him and he said it just got out of hand that it didn't mean anything. I tried to call the woman but she never answered. About a week later just before xmas she text me with a screenshot of my hisband saying he wish they were at the hotel sleeping together again. He promised it was only one time, they live opposite ends of the country. A few weeks after he said he would stop contact Ifound out he had called her, he said it was to close things. I was devastated why would he talk to her again after she grassed him u to me! Does he love her that much?! Now three years on he is in contact again I haven't confronted him yet but I don't know what to do. We have been married over 20 years so has she! I know from what I saw she wants to be with him but neither wants to move to where the other lives because of the kids. He told me he didn't love her before that he was foolish made a mistake and regretted it he sobbed ad begged to stay. I don't know if its been going on all the time or just started up again. I don't want to lose him but scared he wont give her up its like he is addicted to her!

[HappyJanuary]

Magic, op posted for advice and will get a range of replies. I'm sure she's capable of taking it all onboard and reaching a decision that suits her.

From what I've seen on here, the main motivation is to support and make practical suggestions to people who are in shock and may not have yet confided in rl friends. Many people have been through it and well remember the fear of giving up on everything you know to go it alone, but came out the other side happier and are able to use that experience to inform their advice.

In this case, he cheated three years ago, went back to ow after promising to give her up, and is now back in touch with her again. IMO the time to read self-help books is long gone and my only motivation is not wanting to see op giving up her chance at a happy and peaceful life in order to yet again forgive a lying, cheating, betraying man who doesn't deserve, love or cherish her.

[temporarilyjerry]

I do wonder why people get so steamed up about leaving the bastard - I wonder what is their motivation.

A lot of posters have been in a similar situation to OP.

What are the options?
a) LTB
b) live with your H, knowing that he is cheating on you.

Bluebird has done all she can to try to save her marriage.

[MagicChanges]

I'm aware of the content of the OP HappyJan but in the OP she said "I don't want to lose him but scared he won't give her up" so there was some ambivalence there, as there will be in these situations. And yes I realise there will be a range of replies and the OP can decide for herself how she will handle this matter. Yes I know the main motivation is meant to be supportive but I just think too many people become too prescriptive about what should happen.

tempjerry Yes I've been through it too and am still going through it - it's shit - fills too many of my waking hours but there are as you say 2 options, stay or go, or a third one the cheating H or P goes. For what it's worth I don't think bluebird will leave - she wants her marriage I think but wants him to stop cheating. Just because people have been through it doesn't mean that they have to be so directive about what the OP should do.

I see so many posts saying "tell him he has to go" "pack his bags" "change the locks" etc but there are the legal issues to think of - if the house is jointly owned then he has the right to live there (cheating does not deprive him of his legal rights to occupy a property that he jointly owns) - and if he stays, then the woman may think about leaving but often she doesn't have anywhere to go, especially when there are children. If the house is rented in their joint names I think he still has the right to stay though I think it's easier to end the tenancy. Affordable housing is at an all time low on a national basis, making it much more difficult for couples to separate. OK there IS a way but I get tired of reading about changing locks/packing bags/tell him he has to go as if it was a simple matter, but it isn't - it's very complex. Many couples who want to separate are having to live under the same roof for a considerable length of time because finances just can't stretch to 2 properties.

If the couple are wealthy it's so much easier, one or other buys the other out or they sell up with a large equity and they both buy something nice with money for set up costs, new furniture etc etc. I don't think most posters on here are in that position.

I got lynched on a thread who were all calling LTB and the OP was saying that's what she was doing - bags were packed, out on the street, etc etc. I dared to offer a different view and my god the ton on MN came down upon me - anyway the OP continued to talk of "kicking him out" and changing the locks, refusing to let him see the kids etc etc and then she disappeared. There were about 7 pages asking after her but she didn't return and I don't think she kicked him out at all but didn't want to come back and admit that they were still together. To my mind that's not supporting the woman - surely we should respect her decision and support her in her choice.