Husbands affair

[Bluebird6]

About 3 and a half years ago I found my husband was texting a woman he had met on an online game. They were saying they loved each other in some of the texts. I confronted him and he said it just got out of hand that it didn't mean anything. I tried to call the woman but she never answered. About a week later just before xmas she text me with a screenshot of my hisband saying he wish they were at the hotel sleeping together again. He promised it was only one time, they live opposite ends of the country. A few weeks after he said he would stop contact Ifound out he had called her, he said it was to close things. I was devastated why would he talk to her again after she grassed him u to me! Does he love her that much?! Now three years on he is in contact again I haven't confronted him yet but I don't know what to do. We have been married over 20 years so has she! I know from what I saw she wants to be with him but neither wants to move to where the other lives because of the kids. He told me he didn't love her before that he was foolish made a mistake and regretted it he sobbed ad begged to stay. I don't know if its been going on all the time or just started up again. I don't want to lose him but scared he wont give her up its like he is addicted to her!

[Bluebird6]

What happened with your husband magicChanges did he just have a cleancut from her? Are things better between you now? When i found he had phoned her after that screenshot it was about a week after he said it was to close things between them. I said why give her the time of day after that? He said she is not a bad person she was just emotional 😡

[Bluebird6]

Yes I know you are right adora1 I gave him a chance but he continued theres no way back from this. It is incredibly hard after such a long time together but I can not waste my life always wondering if he is up to it again with her or someone new

[adora1]

Their affair never really ended Blue so it's lying and deceit for years you are having to deal with but in a way it's so horrendous it will hopefully give you the strength to finally get him out your life and form a new one for yourself with a man that doesn't lie, cheat, deceive, upset his own children, there's plenty out there, unfortunately none of us can predict what another human being will do to us, we trust in ignorance and hope for the best.

You are a lovely woman who will survive this.

[whimsical1975]

I'm so sorry OP... it's my guess that contact between them never stopped. I'm not convinced he'd go running to her at all, he seems quite happy with the status quo. Basically it's my belief that he wants things to remain as they are... married to, and living with, you - whilst still having her to boost his ego and add a bit of excitement to his life.

You need to decide whether you can live like this. I truly don't believe things will change. I'm sure he will continue to be in contact until either he or she gets bored... then he'll start this up with someone else as he obviously enjoys this distraction.

Please don't settle just because you've been married for 20 years. This could go on for another 20... would you be prepared to accept this? It's such a difficult decision to make but sadly you have no control over how your husband behaves, only on how you do.

[Bluebird6]

I feel so sad for the kids I think son may end up hating his dad over this. I am not sure I can keep it from them.

[adora1]

You are probably right Blue, my mum told me about my dad's affair when I was just 15, she wanted to hurt him but ended up hurting me in the process, I spent years hating him for it, deceit is the worst form of betrayal I can think of.

But, this is your OHs problem, the kids won't hate you that's for sure.

[MagicChanges]

Well it's a long story really. Yes he has cut contact with her..............but it all started in the autumn of 2013 (met in the Rambling club) I had no idea then.............and no real suspicions until summer 2015 when he went on w walking holiday with just her and another female member of the club. He told me she (OW) had a small caravan and he and the other person were each going in their own tent. I though it strange as our camping days were over and we'd given the equipment to one of our sons, but it all had to be dug out. Some 6th sense kicked in while they were away that something wasn't right. He forgot our grand-daughter's birthday and even when I reminded him, he didn't contact her until the next day. I think he did sleep in the tent but I was suspicious, and it started from there really, and soon after she sent him a birthday card with a very intimate message in it (thanking him for all his care and support and how much it meant to her - with "all love" ) I asked what all this meant and he fobbed me off with something about her having osteoporosis and him having to help her on walks) ..............soon after that the woman who'd also gone camping had a dinner party and DP and OW went together - then they went to a christmas party together and I challenged him again and again and each time he "closed me down" - got agitated, shouting, telling me I had a "suspicious mind" and she was just a friend. I asked him if they e mailed "now and then - 1 or 2 here and there.....) Turned out to be a 1 or 2 hundred! FF to May this year and he told me he was going on the walking holiday with OW and the other friend again this summer and the balloon went up - I went balistic. It's all a bit hazy as I was consumed with anger. I insisted he show me all the e mails (though he'd permanently deleted the ones from 2015 - 2016) as there were (in his words) more terms of endearment and arrangements to go on walks together and not with the Ramblers, and of course I wouldn't know because he goes out with Ramblers every Sunday. Then I saw all the dates and times of phone calls which really did for me - on a daily basis since last October when he had the i phone but he could have been doing this when he had his other phone - there's just no record.

SO YES he ended all contact though I wasn't there when he made the phone call. It wasn't sexual but only because she didn't want that and he admits it would have been if she'd wanted it. I saw her e mail about not wanting sex. Thing is he changed character and presented her with a persona of himself which bore no resemblance to who he is. He admits this but can give no explanation.

Are we OK now - No not really. I know he is full of remorse and is desperate for our r/ship to continue and is doing everything he can but the anger bubbles up inside me on a frequent basis and it ends up in a row because he takes so much then he starts trying to defend himself - he knows this makes it worse but it's the way we've always been. Had a fairly volatile r/ship over 45 years. I can't cope with the thought of moving to be honest but I'll never feel the same about him or trust him. If I was 20 years younger and in good health (which I'm not) I would go - definitely. Oh and this wasn't the first time either, but the last time was many years ago and I thought it was all behind us.

[Bluebird6]

Oh thats made me so sad for you. It can't be easy at all after all those years together. I have to try to leave and give myself chance of happiness elsewhere I don't think I can forgive him this time, he will never stop if he thinks I keep forgiving.

[Humblebee1]

I feel for you, I really do. But you ought to divorce him and live your own life. Who knows you may find a nice gent one day to add some excitement to your life. You would certainly deserve it.

[adora1]

Magic, why stay with a person you don't trust, I don't get it.

[MagicChanges]

Yes you do bluebird - leopards don't change their spots. That's why DP kept up his liaison because I actually believed him each time I challenged him and even felt bad that I was making a fuss about a woman friend. And he thought he'd get away with another holiday this year but using the same tactics - he admits this.

We're both in our 70s FGS................don't hang around.............yes he'll please I'm sure but he just doesn't deserve you and the kids. I wish I'd left 20 years ago. There are times when we just co-exist in some sort of harmony and the affair isn't mentioned but at other times it just comes over me and I start an argument, and it always ends in us both feeling wrung out. I take the piss out of him for the things he's written and of course he hates that, and I hate losing control and round and round we go. You're obviously a young woman and have the chance of a happier life, with or without another man, You might find it hard to trust again.

[adora1]

Magic, is there's something wrong with spending the rest of your life without a man?

[Bluebird6]

Do you ever have to see the ow? I am glad I don't live near enough to see her.

[MagicChanges]

adora ok you "don't get" why I stay with someone I can't trust but with respect you don't know anything about my situation. I'm not going to post details other than that I have a serious health problem which would make living alone impossible. And before anyone tells me I could get help from care services, I already do, but I still couldn't live alone. So NO it isn't a case of not being able to spend the "rest of my life" without a man - I find that a bit offensive to be honest. I am in my 70s and sometimes because of the circumstances of your life you choose to make compromises and that's what I'm doing. I respect the choices anyone else makes as all we know about someone's life is a few lines of text on a screen. I really hope this thread isn't going to become unpleasant as some of them do when people have strong feelings about what others should do.

Bluebird No I've never seen the OW - she lives about 5 miles away, I've seen pictures of her amongst the Ramblers, and DP has deleted them all. Strangely I want to see her, in the flesh, to make her real as I don't have a clear idea of what she looks like. I sort of obsess about her - my cousin knows her (not well) but they go to the same church - she says she's a bit "odd" and "awkward" and "nothing to look at" - I did ask OW in the letter how she squared her Christianity with her complicity in the deceit as I'd have thought there would be some incompatibility in that respect but of course she didn't reply. I wouldn't recognise her if I did see her because the only photos I've seen are in groups of ramblers so she's all adorned in outdoor gear.

[Bluebird6]

Magic I totally understand you staying And sometimes people make mistakes get carried away and he may have learned his lesson I hope so for you. For me it's different as I could have time in my life to move on although I still want him really but I can not let him treat me this way

[MagicChanges]

I sense your ambivalence Bluebird and I think it's a very natural reaction. Presumably he is a good husband (apart from the obvious infidelity) and father. I know that sounds a contradiction in terms but I do believe that having an affair doesn't necessarily mean that the wife/partner is not loved. I've thought back over the past 3 years SO many times and I can't identify anytime at all when my DP wasn't loving, empathetic and supportive of my needs. I know people will say that can't be true because of what he was doing behind my back and on bad days that's what I feel- that his care of me was all a sham, but I honestly don't think it was..............I think I'd have known.

BUT as I said things aren't right between us and I can be triggered by something or the hurt can arise spontaneously. It's still early days and I've heard people say it took over a year.

Are you at your friend's house this evening - think your plan was to just take off and not tell him. You're right you are young enough to have a better life.

[Humblebee1]

Oh magic, this is horrendous for you. Do you want to divorce him. What about your family, would they support you?

[MagicChanges]

I'm not the OP Humblebee and have made my position clear.

[ohdearme1958]

Magic, I just want to acknowledge that its not always possible to leave a marriage despite the common held belief nowadays that it is.

I met my husband at 16. Im almost 59 now. We separated when I was almost 56. We are not divorced and its highly unlikely we ever will be. We have no contact with each other.

It took me 10 years to leave and like you I had something to think about very carefully before making a move. I understand everything you are going through but what stuck out the most is the fact you are quite often getting angry. It happened to me as well and I became a really horrible person - its not something I'd want for you. You deserve way more, and all the more-so considering you aren't in the best of health. Is that a suggestion that you leave your husband? No, its not. But it is a suggestion that you try to find some form of help for the anger you are quite rightly feeling and expressing right now? It will be better for you now, and in the future, regardless of which future you chose for yourself.

I'll never be able to say 'thank god I got rid of the bastard', celebrate having a very different life to the one I thought Id have at this age , or take comfort from the fact my husbands life is now a mess of his own doing. The truth is that it would be honest to say separating has been all about swapping one sadness for another even though I'm now happy and I do have a very good life.

I hope some of this makes sense to you as one older woman to another in life long marriages who both had/have things to think about when it came to their long term plans. My thinking involved a severely disabled son for the most part but there were other considerations also.

I wish you well today, and in the future, no matter what decision you come to.

[MagicChanges]

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post ohdear and for your understanding. I think people on here are all too quick to talk about leaving as though it was as simple as packing a bag and drifting off into the sunset.

Yes I hear what you're saying about the anger and it is worrying me a lot and yes I become a horrible person when I'm angry. DP says I'm like someone he doesn't know - he's never seen me in this kind of rage. We've always had a fairly volatile relationship but if anything when he is red hot angry I can turn mine down, but not any more, not over this. I scare myself - I never thought I was capable of such anger. It's hurt really of course but is masked with anger. I found a organisation called RESPECT on the internet and e mailed them and was very honest about my anger. They replied straight away but suggested I ring their help line and they could find me a group in my locality. Oh god that was SO awful - there's no way I'm ready for sitting in a group to discuss my anger. I might ring
the helpline though. Mind DP gets angry as well and that just fuels my anger and it goes on and on - I know too much - I goad him with things he's written to this woman and then he goads me etc etc. I feel sorry for the neighbours! Do you have any ideas about dealing with anger - keeping some sort of control?

It's sad that you have swapped one sadness for another , but you say you are happy and have a good life, but I suppose there is still sadness for what might have been? I do still love my partner (we've been together for 45 years) so more than half a lifetime, but I hate what he's done. It's not the first time either but it was a long time ago and I thought it was all behind us.

Anyway thank you so much for you post. You sound a very lovely person.

OP -how are you?

[Bluebird6]

When he came home I was ready to go said I'm going out I don't want you to be here when I get back perhaps you could go stay wiv your shining star. He was shocked started saying what you talking about. I just walked out and drove off. He tried calling and texting most the night I ignored him I returned this morning be broke down apologising showed me a text he has sent her telling her its over. We are in the house together at the moment kids too. Barely speaking.

[inlectorecumbit]

it's over... until the next time
you can't believe a word he says as you have been here before and he carried on. He has no respect for you or your relationship.

You deserve so much better

[Bluebird6]

I have told him he has to go he said he will have to stay here til he can find somewhere to go

[inlectorecumbit]

There are plenty of B&B's cheap hotels for him to go to if he has no family or friends to go to.
He will probably drag his feet until he can talk you round.
In the meantime consider yourself separated -he is on his own as regards laundry cooking etc oh and he can sleep on the couch if there is no spare bed.
Time to get your finances in order.

[MagicChanges]

I do wish people wouldn't be so prescriptive in dishing out advice to people. Inlect your post sounds very peremptory and unnecessarily directive - maybe you don't mean it but that's how it comes across and other too. It's always the same on these threads, most posters get very set ideas and are usually advocating LTB. There are mind readers too as they are so sure he'll do it again - maybe he will - maybe he won't - who knows. OK I agree past behaviour tends to inform the future but not always.

Yes the bloke in question will probably "drag his feet" and hope that it will all simmer down, and it might, who knows. OP would it be possible for you to move out for longer than a night to underline the seriousness of what has happened. I know it's difficult because of the kids. Do they know what's happened? Could you and the kids move to your parents or other relatives/friends.

I guess time will tell how the future pans out for you. Things here are still on a knife edge at times and sometimes I go very quiet and other times I am angry and shouting at him. I got a book from Amazon called "Getting Past the Affair" some chapters are related to the injured party and some to the participating partner - the OW or OM is referred to as the "outside person" - at first we both read quite a bit but it's dropped off now and I think we need to get back into it. Have you thought of therapy. We've thought about it but I don't feel I want it all dragged up - I feel too vulnerable, although it might be good for me to get some support for myself as ohdear suggests. If you look on Amazon there are lots of books on the subject.

Look after yourself and the kids - I'm sure you will but teenage is a tricky time isn't it as they're too old for a kiss and cuddle on your lap but still very needy and vulnerable. Don't let posters boss you around and tell you what will happen and what you must do. I do wonder why people get so steamed up about leaving the bastard - I wonder what is their motivation.