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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husbands affair

103 replies

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 14:51

About 3 and a half years ago I found my husband was texting a woman he had met on an online game. They were saying they loved each other in some of the texts. I confronted him and he said it just got out of hand that it didn't mean anything. I tried to call the woman but she never answered. About a week later just before xmas she text me with a screenshot of my hisband saying he wish they were at the hotel sleeping together again. He promised it was only one time, they live opposite ends of the country. A few weeks after he said he would stop contact Ifound out he had called her, he said it was to close things. I was devastated why would he talk to her again after she grassed him u to me! Does he love her that much?! Now three years on he is in contact again I haven't confronted him yet but I don't know what to do. We have been married over 20 years so has she! I know from what I saw she wants to be with him but neither wants to move to where the other lives because of the kids. He told me he didn't love her before that he was foolish made a mistake and regretted it he sobbed ad begged to stay. I don't know if its been going on all the time or just started up again. I don't want to lose him but scared he wont give her up its like he is addicted to her!

OP posts:

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Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 15:55

Thanks all for the advice I am thinking I will pack his bag tell him to go away for a week but We will tell the kids working away for now. I just hope he doesn't go running to see her

OP posts:

adora1 · 13/10/2016 15:55

Nothing to confront OP, the two of them are taking the absolute piss out of and her OH, get his bags packed; he never had a consequence the last time, all you have done is bury it under the carpet and pretended it never happened but you know it did and still is, enough is enough, he's no prize, he's proved to you over and over again that he cannot be trusted, your whole relationship is based on lies.

MagicChanges · 13/10/2016 15:57

Yes seeing a solicitor is a good idea but separating isn't that difficult in a practical sense. Not sure if you rent or have a mortgage, probably the latter as you've been together for 20 years. You need to get the house valued and find out what the equity is (the amount available after the mortgage has been paid off) and then one or other can buy the other one out. If neither of you can afford to do that, the house has to be sold and you hopefully buy again with your half of the equity, if not you will have to rent.

I still think putting some space between you is the best thing for the time being but he doesn't really deserve another chance I know. He's managed to talk his way out of it on other occasions so he probably thinks he can do the same this time. This is what my DP thought but I'd had enough and the balloon went up...........and he admits he thought he could talk me out of it. It was only when I left and he didn't know where I was that the truth started coming out, and he was falling over himself to "tell me everything" and showed me an e mail he'd sent to her telling her it was OVER and how much he loved and cared for me etc.................doesn't stop the hurt though and that turns to anger, and then I'm physically and emotionally worn out.

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 16:02

I will have to rent and use the money i get from the house to pay it as I dont earn much I only work part time. Then when that money runs out I don't know what I will do

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MagicChanges · 13/10/2016 16:05

I didn't realise your kids were still young - for some reason I thought they were grown up. But presumably they are not very young.............but they will be affected of course. I see you are going to tell him to go away for a week and it's more difficult for you because of the kids?

Shining star in his humdrum life.................dear god I read all this sort of shit too (he showed me all the e mails) and I still think it's a game - a fantasy -there's no way these 2 would get together - that would have happened long ago if that was the case. But yes tell him to go and knock on her door - wonder how her H would take it. Have you thought of sending him some screen shots. I know it's a loss of self respect but she deserves it after what she sent to you.

adora1 · 13/10/2016 16:05

You have children so will be entitled to various benefits like working tax credits, child benefit and discount on council tax etc, even perhaps housing benefit, CAB can advice you, make an appointment now as you can wait a while.

He will also be liable for child maintenance payments, do not stay with a cheat for fear of not being able to stand on your own two feet.

JustSpeakSense · 13/10/2016 16:08

You do not need to confront him.

See a solicitor, get everything in order. Gather evidence. When you are ready, pack him a bag and change the locks.

Contact the OW and tell her she can have him, contact her husband too.

And then celebrate that you have kicked this dickhead out of your life.

Be strong you deserve so much better than this!

MagicChanges · 13/10/2016 16:09

There are ways around separating. Firstly your H will have to pay maintenance for you and the children. You can claim Housing Benefit to help with the rent, Child Tax Credits, Working Tax Credits - you'll find a way. Have you any idea how much equity is in the house. Would be so much better if you could buy again as private renting is so insecure, but you can get Housing Benefit whereas you can't get any help with a mortgage. Is there any chance you could work full time.

It's all a bit much to think about now - one step at a time.

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 16:10

Kids are 14 and 16 so not too young. I don't know her husbands details or I would be tempted. I tried calling her but she just don't answer.

OP posts:

Figgygal · 13/10/2016 16:12

Op this must be so hard for you but this could have been going on for last 3 years for all you know they may not have cut contact at all. Regardless he is disrespecting you and your life and you should pack his bags. I'm sorry you care if he runs to her.

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 16:12

I should get about £80,000 so pretty bablu wouldn't be entitled to benefits. I could look for fulltime

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MidsummersNight · 13/10/2016 16:12

YABU for staying with him for 3 years.

You are worth more, leave and find someone who won't wear you down.

adora1 · 13/10/2016 16:14

His and her audacity is astounding, once you get the wanker out make sure her husband gets told too!

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 16:15

Yes that shining star crap shocked me too! Was she his shining star when she was revealing stuff to me behind his back! Why he carried on with jer after that I don't know. He wouldn't be able to go to her because he would have to leave his job and everything for that, too kuch at stake

OP posts:

Dozer · 13/10/2016 16:15

How shitty of him. LTB.

Get legal advice: you might not need to move out of your home.

There might well be other things that have gone on with your H and this OW.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2016 16:16

Does her husband know about it?

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 16:19

No her husband doesn't as far as I know but I don't know how to contact him. He isn't on social media at all but her kids are. I wouldn't want to involve them though they don't deserve that

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Chocolate123 · 13/10/2016 16:20

You have two choices her leave him and move on with your life or let him say he's sorry and he won't do it again. And he will.... I know which one I would choose.

Simonneilsbeard · 13/10/2016 16:20

Humdrum life? How dare he? this is so hurtful ..he has this relationship with her all built up in his head so that it's some magical thing and somehow being with her will be all roses and sunshine! He's utterly deluded.
You and your children deserve better.

cantpickusername · 13/10/2016 16:22

Sorry to hear this, don't settle for being someone's humdrum.

Can you find the husband on LinkedIn maybe?

Anyway, get rid of your DH, there's a whole world there of lovely and honest men you're missing out on if you stick with this one!

adora1 · 13/10/2016 16:23

He needs a massive shock OP, he clearly, and you to begin with, thought he could just talk his way out of it again but you need to take control back now and not allow this to carry on any longer, you talk about not wanting to lose him, you lost him 3 years ago, he's never been back really.

And don't tell him it's a week, tell him you need space and time and will let him know when you are ready, you owe him jack shit.

Bluebird6 · 13/10/2016 16:23

I wish I could unsee the few messages I read as the words go over and over in my mind. He doesn't seem unhappy

OP posts:

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/10/2016 16:51

I doubt very much that you would have to leave the house. I am sure you would be entitled to more benefits than you think. I expect you will be due more than 50:50. You definitely need to speak to a solicitor to find out what it will actually be like.

I expect he has told her he is planning to leave you soon. I expect that's why she keeps forcing the issue by making sure you see evidence that they are still together.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 13/10/2016 16:57

You deserve better or it will send you into depression worrying about it all the time If he's texting her etc etc. Start focusing on what you want for the future because you deserve a better one

user1474193901 · 13/10/2016 17:01

So sorry BlueBird
I know EXACTLY what your going through. Sad to say your Husband is what's known in the trade as a 'cake-eater'. Mine was exactly the same. Call it whatever you want; midlife crisis, or just being a complete b*stard... It doesn't matter. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve so much better. Honestly.
It's not easy walking away from 20 years, I know I've just done it, but if you stay he will do this again and again and again.
Love yourself more than you love him.

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