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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i have not spoken to husband for 7 days

86 replies

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 22:03

I have not spoken to my husband for exactly one week.both myself and husband work long hours and always seem to be tired. husband has more flexible hours though and so he usually takes kids to school . I work 4 days a week and last week , on my day off, we had a massive row . this is how it started , in the morning I asked him if I could get a lift to the hairdressers which is on the way to the school and he agreed- I don't drive. when we got to the school I took both kids in while he stayed in the car. then when I got back in he drove back down the road towards our house and towards the hairdresser. I asked him to stop so I could run out pop into the hairdressers to see if I could get an appointment that morning. I asked him to wait a minute just in case they were too busy- in which case I could get a lift back home rather than get the bus. he was working from home that day as he had a lot of paper work to catch up on. so I popped into the hairdressers - needless to say the hairdresser was booked up so I headed straight back to where I thought the car was parked I wasn't more that 2 mins. car had gone? I was really confused , I kept on walking up and down as looking for the car. I assumed the car was properly parked when I went out. some of the road you are allowed to park on - and other parts of the road are yellow lined. anyway- I heard him yelling. ' what the hell are you doing ' I think he said. it turns out he had moved the car so it was right outside the hairdressers- so maybe I was wrong about the parking. 'why the hell would you walk back?' he said and was really mean insinuating I was stupid. now he didn't shout but was nasty . it was really unnecessary- then he starting saying something about me making him late when he had so much paper work. now - I am particularly sensitive at the moment as I am weaning myself off antidepressants. so I flipped and started shouting at him- really badly. then he quietly said things like ooh not had any of your chill pills today - that kind of thing. go on shout some more - . since that day we sleep in separate rooms- or I sleep on the sofa and we haven't said more that 5 words to each other. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

usual · 12/10/2016 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whisky2014 · 12/10/2016 22:12

Hmm i would prob be angry if i was keen to get home and work and the person who says they wont take long ends up faffing about. He wont have known what you were doing as he would have thought youd have seen him right outside the hairdressers.
But he's a dick for making remarks about your antidepressants.

Id learn to drive if i were you.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 22:12

I asked him a few hours ago and he said he was too tired to talk

OP posts:

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 22:14

but I wasn't longer than a minute -

OP posts:

Oly5 · 12/10/2016 22:14

Oh you poor thing. This sounds like something that got out of hand. One of you needs to make the first move. He didn't need to be nasty to you but equally was probably stressed about getting back home for work.
You need to just say to him "look we need to sort this out" and go from there. Try not to get cross, both try and stay calm

Naicehamshop · 12/10/2016 22:16

Totally unnecessary for him to be so rude.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 22:21

thankyou for kind words but I have tried I got rejected- do I try again ?

OP posts:

Mumteedum · 12/10/2016 22:21

Did you have problems in your marriage before you needed antidepressants? That's a very unkind and resentful remark he made about your pills. Do you think relate night be something to think about? Sounds like there's more to this than an offhand remark or misunderstanding.

Sallystyle · 12/10/2016 22:23

You just need to talk to him.

I can understand him getting annoyed. It is annoying if someone relies on you for driving and you want to go home and get on with work.

His comments about your medication were nasty and he owes you a massive apology for that. No excuses for that at all.

If this behaviour is common then you have a bigger problem, obviously. Although if one argument leads you to sleeping separately and not talking for 7 days I would worry that the marriage was in a pretty desperate state.

How is your marriage usually?

Whisky2014 · 12/10/2016 22:23

I wouldnt try again. You made a move and have been rejected. Now wait to see if he makes the next move.

SexNamesRFab · 12/10/2016 22:27

Is this a one off or has he shouted at you in public before? Do you/he often sulk after petty arguments? Is this part if a pattern in your relationship or genuinely just a little spat that's gotten out of hand?

tofutti · 12/10/2016 22:28

Making fun of your depression was nasty. Does he often use your illness against you? You were expecting him to be parked where he was already parked. And I'm not sure why a previous poster assumed you were 'faffing'.

Is this the first time you have given eachother the silent treatment?

You made the first move, but it sounds like he wants you to grovel.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 22:31

I'm sorry to drip feed information but there is another reason I am so sensitive . I have a genetic condition called cadasil- the symptoms are very similar to ms. my mother was actually misdiagnosed with ms but as she is dead that cannot be confirmed. it causes tiny strokes in the small blood vessels of the brain. Symtoms usually begin in middle age ( I am 44) the condition causes loss of some cognitive functions like memory problems . so when I could find the car , I was really anxious that my brain was playing tricks on me. sorry I realise I'm sounding a bit paranoid

OP posts:

NickyEds · 12/10/2016 22:34

Well, yes you have to try again. You can't live with someone and not talk to them. I'd just say 'I'm here whenever you want to talk'. What he said about your 'chill pills' was way out if line but Tbh it doesn't sound like an argument worth a full weeks silence. There are bigger issues, yes?

Naicehamshop · 12/10/2016 22:34

He should be much more supportive.

bjrce · 12/10/2016 22:35

When I read your thread I thought you were going to say he left and you had to walk home. He didn't, he was probably v stressed and anxious about his work , got angry and took it out in you. You are understandably upset, but to carry it on for a full week, sleeping in separate rooms is ridiculous. This is how people end up getting divorced,! Really, grow up, do something kind for each other, even a small gesture, apologise to each other and move on.

Mumteedum · 12/10/2016 22:35

Well then your husband is being even more unkind.

Sounds tough enough on you without your husband being a dick.

NickyEds · 12/10/2016 22:37

Sorry x posted with you op. I could see why that would be upsetting and disorientating for you, perhaps make you shout but still, 7 days.....it's a long time for a spat (albeit an unpleasant one).

wobblywonderwoman · 12/10/2016 22:40

I think he has been nasty and unkind and especially with the additional medical things going on with you

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2016 22:45

Sounds like a situation that got out of hand, but not talking to each other is not the solution and it must be an absolutely horrible atmosphere for your kids to live in.

You were wrong to 'shout at him really badly' and he was wrong to make fun of your medication.

tofutti · 12/10/2016 22:46

Silent treatment is a form of abuse. It's rarely due to a small spat.

hermione2016 · 12/10/2016 22:52

I'm sorry for your illness as I'm sure it's worrying for you.

I think you should take your husband at his word tonight and respect that he may be tired.Try again tomorrow and maybe apologise as you say you did lose it with him first and by your own admission it was bad.

His comment re pills came after you had yelled at him in public.Not exactly kind but he must have been mortifed.

Can you find a way to be kind to him? A text message thanking him for taking to you the hairdressers even when he had work and apologise as you seem to feel you over reacted.

If you love your husband and generally he's a good guy it's worth making the effort.

kittymamma · 12/10/2016 23:05

It is hard isn't it? My DH and I had a row on Sunday (over loading this dishwasher and cleaning the living room) and didn't speak until Tuesday, it was the longest 2 and a bit days even though we were only in the house together for a total of 5 hours.

Personally, I would make a comment acknowledging what you feel he is upset by and apologising for any wrong doing on your part, and leave him to stew in it for a little while. So perhaps - "sorry for the misunderstanding on xx, I didn't realise you had moved the car, it was an honest mistake, it wasn't my intention to delay you". However, after his stewing, I would expect an apology in return. My rule on apologising though, is don't do it unless you mean it. You haven't actually done anything wrong imo and your apology should not feel like you are groveling or begging him to forgive you. This would depend on your DH and how he manages conflict.

I would wonder if there are underlying problems here though. The disagreement with my DH got out of hand because we are both so busy and spend so little time together without the kids, something we need to work on.

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2016 23:12

You haven't actually done anything wrong imo and your apology should not feel like you are groveling or begging him to forgive you.

You think 'flipping and shouting at someone really badly' in public (or at all) is 'doing nothing wrong'?

I'm not condoning his nasty retaliation regarding the comments about the OP's medication, but if my DH started shouting at me in public, like fuck would I say he'd done nothing wrong.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 23:14

the problem is he never apologies so although I know I was wrong to shout- to say sorry for my part in this and then not get any apology back will make me feel so resentful.

OP posts:

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