i have not spoken to husband for 7 days

[Bravenewworld1]

I have not spoken to my husband for exactly one week.both myself and husband work long hours and always seem to be tired. husband has more flexible hours though and so he usually takes kids to school . I work 4 days a week and last week , on my day off, we had a massive row . this is how it started , in the morning I asked him if I could get a lift to the hairdressers which is on the way to the school and he agreed- I don't drive. when we got to the school I took both kids in while he stayed in the car. then when I got back in he drove back down the road towards our house and towards the hairdresser. I asked him to stop so I could run out pop into the hairdressers to see if I could get an appointment that morning. I asked him to wait a minute just in case they were too busy- in which case I could get a lift back home rather than get the bus. he was working from home that day as he had a lot of paper work to catch up on. so I popped into the hairdressers - needless to say the hairdresser was booked up so I headed straight back to where I thought the car was parked I wasn't more that 2 mins. car had gone? I was really confused , I kept on walking up and down as looking for the car. I assumed the car was properly parked when I went out. some of the road you are allowed to park on - and other parts of the road are yellow lined. anyway- I heard him yelling. ' what the hell are you doing ' I think he said. it turns out he had moved the car so it was right outside the hairdressers- so maybe I was wrong about the parking. 'why the hell would you walk back?' he said and was really mean insinuating I was stupid. now he didn't shout but was nasty . it was really unnecessary- then he starting saying something about me making him late when he had so much paper work. now - I am particularly sensitive at the moment as I am weaning myself off antidepressants. so I flipped and started shouting at him- really badly. then he quietly said things like ooh not had any of your chill pills today - that kind of thing. go on shout some more - . since that day we sleep in separate rooms- or I sleep on the sofa and we haven't said more that 5 words to each other. I don't know what to do

The ball is in his court now. He told you to go away. Continue as you are not talking, spare room etc, wait for him to make the next move.

I'd make an appointment with a solicitor now.

He does not sound a nice man at all. You have mentioned several times he is really mean and on top of that he ridiculed you about taking your medication. If incidents like this have been happening regularly I'm not surprised you shouted defensively.
If you will be relying on him for practical and emotional support as your genetic condition progresses I think you would be leaving yourself vulnerable to abuse. The essence of healthy, loving relationships is kindness. There is no room for meanness.

I hope he isn't the sort to capitalise on your potentially unreliable memory and gaslight you, re the parked car.

A week is a long time! He seems to be on a power trip or enjoys sulking and wallowing.

Don't give him what he's trying to achieve - you treading on eggshells, trying to make amends.
Go about your normal life and leave him to stew.

Maybe he has just had enough of all this. You admit you shout at him a lot:

I do shout a lot when ever I think a am being treated unfairly

You also admit that you don't shout at anyone else, just him. So you can control it, you just choose not to when it's your DH. And a man who chooses to shout frequently at his wife - regardless of what she's saying to him - gets called abusive A LOT on here.

He over-reacted. You over-reacted. He was nasty to you. You sound like you're nasty to him. And he sounds like he has just had enough of the whole cycle on both your parts, and wants out.

He sounds very cruel.

Yes shouting isn't good but what is being shouted I feel is more important.

Personally insulting you because you made a mistake and then taking the piss out of your mental health when you react by trying to defend yourself (albeit shouting) is very, very nasty and I'd say actually controlling behaviour designed to psychologically 'keep you in your place'. He's now continuing that control by refusing to talk to you or engage in a conversation of any kind rather telling you to 'go away' like some sort of naughty pet.

How do you usually manage to resolve conflict?

I see a situation where both are over reacting, no apologies due to resentment and then maybe holding onto grudges.This is a very unhealthy cycle which will lead to separation as you will disconnect from each other.
Are you still doing house stuff together like eating meals, watching TV?

You can't change him so perhaps it would be good to work on yourself as you know you are feeling sensitive.Try some CBT to help you determine what response you want.

You don't like yourself for shouting so you can work on changing that.First there is a thought, "he thinks I'm stupid", followed by the negative feelings and then the reaction, shouting.If you can slow the thoughts down you can choose more appropriate responses.Do this for you, not him.It make you feel more in control and actually see what's going on more clearly.

Can you communicate by text? Don't suggest talking just accept your responsibility in the argument.Let go of the resentment, if he continues to not apologise you will have a choice, ask him to change or decide the relationship isn't for you.

If you know you are doing your best in the relationship there is little more you can do.

I think he has disconnected already. I also think you would find yourself happier and shouting a lot less if you were free of someone who doesn't appear to like or respect you and who can be very nasty towards you.
His refusal to speak to you will be making you feel very anxious and unhappy. Someone who loves and respects you would not let you suffer like this for so long. They would be making efforts to resolve the argument. I'm very sorry OP.

bint- the reason why I only shout at my husband is there is no one else in my life who calls me nasty names or is cruel in this way

I'm not sure why the focus is on where the car was parked and how long you took and how busy DH was. I think the scenario that unfolded was playing out some deeper resentments on both sides. Friends or newly weds would laugh off the misunderstanding. For whatever reason OP, both of you feel hurt, misunderstood and unsupported. Perhaps you're under stress, or he is, and you've mentioned your condition as an issue too. Ultimately small resentments can spill out. Often it means that where a simple 'sorry' from either side would diffuse a misunderstanding, neither of you feel able or willing to offer some concession to the other, and hit back instead. And of course, things can escalate after voices are raised, and mean things are said. I think that both of you have some sense of grievance - but whether where it starts and ends, whether it's 50/50 or 70/30 isn't really the point now.
Not speaking for any extended period of time is abusive - and the 'silent treatment' can be as destructive as physical violence to a relationship. So you need to try to reconnect and find out why you have both been unable to treat each other as you would a friend/relative in the same scenario. You may need to share a few more and deeper issues? Good luck!

It doesn't sound like there is much of a future in your relationship. I personally can see your DH's point of view, but there is no justification for either of you keeping up the silent treatment for an entire week. It must be a horrible atmosphere for your children.

Was your DP working when you asked him to talk? If so then it may have been the wrong time, and made it seem like once again your time is more important than his work.

I think goading you about your medication was completely out of line. BUT I can see how it would annoy him. I'm a faffer, and it drives DF crazy. But he doesn't say anything until it actually affects him. He may have thought you were heading off to somewhere else to just pop in for 2 minutes. You said yourself that he had a lot of work to get home to, so you can understand his impatience with you. He was completely wrong to call you stupid though.

I think you both need to talk at a time when nothing else is going on. Maybe instead of just asking to talk, you can just start the conversation with an apology for shouting at him, and telling him how much he's hurt you. If he still won't engage with you then I would start to look at what problems are running deeper in your relationship.

Are you OK today op? Did you get a chance to speak last night?

Why did you both need to take the dc to school? If it was your day off and you wanted to pop into the hairdressers, couldn't you have just taken them yourself? Maybe that pissed him off to begin with - that you rely on him to do things you could do yourself (unless your illness means you can't do this alone) whilst he has a lot of work to do.

Just trying to understand the dynamic.

Also, is it dangerous with your condition to be wound up like this? He should really be more aware. Do you think he moved the car to piss you off back?

Top OP can't drive, so husband does the school run.

He did you a favour and you shouted at him. In the car with the kids is only marginally better than in the street. His comments about antidepressants were out of line.

Let's face it, though, this is as good as done. You find him frustrating and he angers you to the point of shouting, when you don't class yourself as a shouty or angry person. You resent him for not apologising. He doesn't care enough to apologise, or want any contact with you for seven days. That's not normal at all, and horrendous for your children.

I'd be making an appointment with a solicitor and ending this as amicably as possible.

I agree that it sounds like there is a lot of backstory here and a lot of built-up resentment. Does your DH resent the amount of support he has to give you, I wonder? With your depression, illness, and not driving I'm guessing you lean on him a great deal so is he feeling fed up and not very appreciated? His reaction sounds extreme for what was a simple misunderstanding. Does he bully you, or is this unusual? A week of not talking and refusing to engage is pretty extreme. You may not want to put on here what the deeper issues are, but I feel sure that there are some.

7 days is an awfully long time to fester. is he refusing to talk to you at all, or just doesn't want to talk about "The Incident"? if it was my DH refusing to converse for a week, i think i would have to ask him outright if he still wanted to be married to me.

He's meant to be working and you want him to drive you to the hairdresser? I can see why he's angry, that would annoy me too. I think you should apologise.

FFS OP said she was in the hairdresser for 1 minute.

Littlepip I think that's a distortion. They both did school run. Op asked for couple min for an errand. He isn't that bluddy important that those 5 mins would make any difference. He just didn't want to do that.

Sorry but my 'bastard' radar is twitching. I was married to one who did a convincing impression of a normal person enough to keep me in line. It's like taking the red pill in the matrix. Now I've lived through that and seen the truth my 'bastard' radar is finely tuned. Entitled selfish bastards at that.

I know lots of you will disagree but I'd sadly put money on being right here. Where's the kindness? If op is feeling frustrated to the point of shouting but only at him, and she can't talk to him cos he gets to decide whether they can or not... well I've already said it.

Brave I think your name is apt. Look for support elsewhere. don't think you'll get much from him.

I'm with mumteedum here. This is all sounding horribly familiar...

It's hard when you have depression. He was very unkind to you saying that. I don't think men understand depression unless it's happened to them. I do think though that learning to drive would give you so much independence. Is it because of a medical reason you don't drive.

It may only be 'a minute' but if you look at it from his perspective the story changes. It seems like the OP relies on him rather a lot and I know I would become resentful in his situation. There is clearly a lot of backstory to this.

To be fair to the husband, if I wanted to rush home and someone delayed that I would be mildly irritated. If they then couldn't see I was parked right under their nose I would be slightly annoyed. And if this sort of thing happened regularly I can easily see myself becoming cross.

OP whether you need to rely on him to such a huge extent due to your illness or whether you have become used to it (this is something I can out judge), I really think that he has come to the point where he cannot cope with it. What you do with that is up to you. Where possible, I would make it a priority to increase my independence (obviously I don't know the limitations of your illness).

It's tough living with someone in ill health/being a carer. Even the nicest people feel this pressure.

there is no one else in my life who calls me nasty names or is cruel in this way

i think you need to re-evaluate your 'marriage' if this is how he treats you and makes you feel.
Sometimes shouting is the only way to try and get your voice heard....but he's using that to make you look 'unreasonable' - hence the dig about the pills.

I'm on anti-depressants and if anyone used that line with me i'd bite their head off if i was already wound up - and i would make no apology for it.

He never told you he was moving the car
You didn't see it when you came out so went looking
He's just made a mountain out of a molehill.

just because I am depressed that does not make be a burden . just because I don't drive I do not expect my husband to drive me here and there and every where- it is vey rare for me to ask husband for a lift. I am very independent and do get public transport 99% of the time. he was going past the hairdresser anyway as he was taking the kids to school . he drives I do not. he has flexible working hours and I have to be in for work at 8.oo so it makes sense for him to take them in. just because I have a genetic condition does not make me a Burdon as someone suggested, BTW husband was working from home that day and often goes to the cinema when working from home. I would not have taking him out of his way. its not like I expected him to wait while I got my hair. a cut. the kids were not in the car when I shouted . I only shouted to stop his insults.