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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i have not spoken to husband for 7 days

86 replies

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 22:03

I have not spoken to my husband for exactly one week.both myself and husband work long hours and always seem to be tired. husband has more flexible hours though and so he usually takes kids to school . I work 4 days a week and last week , on my day off, we had a massive row . this is how it started , in the morning I asked him if I could get a lift to the hairdressers which is on the way to the school and he agreed- I don't drive. when we got to the school I took both kids in while he stayed in the car. then when I got back in he drove back down the road towards our house and towards the hairdresser. I asked him to stop so I could run out pop into the hairdressers to see if I could get an appointment that morning. I asked him to wait a minute just in case they were too busy- in which case I could get a lift back home rather than get the bus. he was working from home that day as he had a lot of paper work to catch up on. so I popped into the hairdressers - needless to say the hairdresser was booked up so I headed straight back to where I thought the car was parked I wasn't more that 2 mins. car had gone? I was really confused , I kept on walking up and down as looking for the car. I assumed the car was properly parked when I went out. some of the road you are allowed to park on - and other parts of the road are yellow lined. anyway- I heard him yelling. ' what the hell are you doing ' I think he said. it turns out he had moved the car so it was right outside the hairdressers- so maybe I was wrong about the parking. 'why the hell would you walk back?' he said and was really mean insinuating I was stupid. now he didn't shout but was nasty . it was really unnecessary- then he starting saying something about me making him late when he had so much paper work. now - I am particularly sensitive at the moment as I am weaning myself off antidepressants. so I flipped and started shouting at him- really badly. then he quietly said things like ooh not had any of your chill pills today - that kind of thing. go on shout some more - . since that day we sleep in separate rooms- or I sleep on the sofa and we haven't said more that 5 words to each other. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 12/10/2016 23:19

Then you have deeper problems beyond this argument OP.

I think once you two have made this one up, you both need to sit down and have a chat about how you might deal with any future arguments.

He needs to learn to apologise for any wrong doing on his part, especially as you're willing to apologise for yours.

And you both need to agree to stop the daft silent competitions for the sake of the kids.

There are never any winners.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 23:23

just to say I didn't shout at him in public- I'm not saying shouting is ok

OP posts:

kittymamma · 12/10/2016 23:25

I'm sorry, I must have misread it... I thought it was the DH doing the shouting in public out of frustration... Perhaps it is bedtime for me!

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 23:26

yes I agree - and thank you everyone who's given support and advise x x x

OP posts:

kittymamma · 12/10/2016 23:27

In light of pointing out my lack of reading skills

You owe him a real apology... Not OK to shout at your DH in public.

kittymamma · 12/10/2016 23:28

x-post.... Couldn't you tell him you think he owes you an apology when he is ready to talk? My DH often needs to have it pointed out to him. He then does apologise genuinely.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 12/10/2016 23:44

ok- just to clarify I did most - no that's not true- I did all of the shouting but only in the car , so not in public. I know shouting is unacceptable but, and this is a genuine question , what should a person so when their partner is being really mean and unfair. this is a real feature in our relationship and I do shout a lot when ever I think a am being treated unfairly I feel frustrated. I don't do this in any other situation. I'm not known for being an angry or aggressive person. I never shout at my children or friends or work colleagues. he will say something hurtful and the anger just comes out . I know its wrong .

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 13/10/2016 07:05

To be honest, he sounds absolutely horrible. This type of sneering behaviour can build up a lot of resentment in you and I understand where you are coming from with your shouting although, of course, it's not the right way to behave.

You need to sit him down, apologise fully for the shouting, and then calmly explain exactly how his comments about your medication made you feel.

If he still won't apologise, then you've got a real problem here.

NickyEds · 13/10/2016 07:20

But, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, in this instance I don't think you were treated unfairly when you shouted. From your op what it looks to me happened from your dh's point of view is: I had a really busy day at work ahead with lots of paperwork to catch up on. Dw asked for a favour, to be driven to the hairdressers on the way back from drop off, I said fine. I dropped her off and then whilst she was inside pulled the car right outside. Dw came out if the hairdressers and started to walk home so I called out of the car that I was there and asked why the hell she was walking home. She then shouted at me really badly.

So up until his crass comment about chill pills I'm not sure he did behave badly?

I'm not much of a shouter in my relationships with either dp or family. If something happens and I feel I'm treated unfairly tbh I will go away and seethe for a bit, think on it, decide if I really was being treated unfairly nd if I think I was I discuss it with them. I'm at some pp talking about the silent treatment as abuse. I extreme cases it is but walking away from an argument before things get to shouting can be sensible. Keeping it up for 7 days is excessive.

If being unfair and mean and shouting is a part of your marriage then things are more serious than this op . Is this the case op?

MissMargie · 13/10/2016 07:36

Can you hold a driving licence or do your health issues restrict you.

I would learn to drive. I would not want to ferry anyone around to be honest. The whole point of cars is so you can jump in them and go where you want when you want.

Is he often nasty like this? Living with someone who is constantly angry with you would be v stressful and would add to ill health imo.

Northernparent68 · 13/10/2016 07:59

To be fair to your partner living with some one with depression is exhausting, maybe he's reached the end of his tether

NickyEds · 13/10/2016 08:28

Also, if I had someone shout at me really badly after I'd done them a favour I would react with silence.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 13/10/2016 08:50

i did not walk home I returned to the parked car- how was I supposed to know he moved it. I only shouted in response to the me being told I was stupid -

OP posts:

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 13/10/2016 08:53

when I was shouting I was shouting things like' I'm not stupid - how would I know you were going to move the car' I was not actually saying nasty things about him. also I did walk the kids into the school while he sat in the car so did help out

OP posts:

NickyEds · 13/10/2016 08:56

Sorry I may have misunderstood, in the op you said that your dh said "why the hell would you walk back" so I assumed he saw you walking away and thought you were walking home?

missyB1 · 13/10/2016 09:02

Whatever happened that day I find it very odd that he's not willing to sort it out yet. Is he a regular sulker? How do you normally resolve arguments? I would tell him that the ball is in his court now and that it's detrimental for the whole family if this atmosphere carries on much longer.

Original poster

Bravenewworld1 · 13/10/2016 09:20

just spoke to asked if we could talk -he told me to go away

OP posts:

WheresLarry · 13/10/2016 09:43

Then as PP have said your relationship has much bigger problems than this one argument.

From what you have said your dh doesn't sound nice at all, but there was a few drip feeds after posters defended your dh based on what you originally said in your op.

If he won't speak then I'm not sure what you can do, you can't make someone talk if they don't want to.

NickyEds · 13/10/2016 09:53

Are you both working now op? I would send a text apologising for shouting and saying that you would really like to clear the air with a talk later. As worra says you can't make someone talk to you but if you give a him of notice to let them know you want to talk at a time when you're not working or tired at least you can say that you're meeting hi half way so to speak.

deconstruct · 13/10/2016 09:55

he doesn't sound like a nice person. Yes you were wrong for shouting but so was he to call you stupid knowing fully well about your condition. You just extended an olive branch and he has shot you down. Make plans to live by yourself, you will be much happier.

Holowiwi · 13/10/2016 10:46

What did you say when you shouted at him?

HarleyQuinzel · 13/10/2016 11:10

I agree the argument itself isn't the problem. Ignoring each other for 7 days isn't normal.

RiceCrispieTreats · 13/10/2016 11:14

Your relationship sounds very unhappy.

I'd question the reason to stay in a marriage that is not about about mutual respect and support.

Iamthinking · 13/10/2016 12:26

What a goody fuck he is.
I am surprised there is so much defence of the husband here. He made personal digs and insulted her when she couldn't find the car. I mean to call her stupid??!
OK, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was very stressed about the paper work, maybe it felt more like 5 minutes to him, but that doesn't justify it. The way he spoke was not kind and it was not respectful. How about flashing his lights/beeping his horn/calling out? How about just expressing impatience and irritability with being late...not insulting the woman?
And then he carries on, (when she reacts and he sees that he has got a rise out of her), by goading her with snide comments about her medication.

Yes, OP, you shouldn't have lost your shit, ideally you would have kept the higher ground and expressed yourself calmly. But you can only apologise for that now and say you will try not to do that again. Then the ball is in his court. If he carries on sulking and doesn't try to make amends then it does sound like you have big problems as 7 days of not talking is ages.

Have you had periods of not talking before?

Iamthinking · 13/10/2016 12:26

'goody' = goady

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