Is it quite normal not to have contact with siblings?

[Boomerwang]

I have one brother who is five years older than me. He is married and has two boys. I have not spoken to him or seen him in years. He's uninterested in me or my daughter.

As far as I know we haven't had a fight or pissed each other off previously, but him ignoring me has kind of made me do the same, rather like 'if he won't then I won't either'.

Growing up with such an age gap meant we never were particularly close, but we both lived with our parents into our twenties (who could afford to live alone in Birmingham?) so it's not like life took us in different directions early on.

I just want to know if it's kind of normal to lose touch completely with your own brothers or sisters.

If it matters I know his wife has cut me and my parents out of her life completely. Perhaps he's just supporting his wife? Even before that though he didn't seem to care.

I'm a bit scared, to be honest, which is why I'm bringing this up now, because my parents aren't getting younger and I don't have any other family in my life.

[HopefulHamster]

In your case, OP, it seems to be because of the wife. Of course he will be supporting her. You need to find out what her motives are, and if you already know, try to sort that out if so inclined.

But it's not uncommon.

My brother and I live about five hours drive apart. We both have kids. We get on in person. He absolutely will not spend money to come and see me, but will let me spend it to see him. We've been to see him a number of times, they came here once when they got a lift. They will only meet if it's financially easy, like if we meet them somewhere they already planned to go. From what I can see, we have similar levels of disposable income, but I would save to see family and he sees it as a pointless expense he could do without.Meh. Maybe that's reasonable to him, so I don't push it.

However, now I've run out of goodwill to do all the running.

I could be hurt (and I am...), but I'm trying to get over it. We will meet up when we're both at my parents on occasion. Last saw them 15 months ago, they tend to be busy at Christmas so not sure when the next time will be.

Yet at the same time as the above, I talk to my SIL on text and social media and we seem to get on ok!

[Clefduvin]

I rarely have any contact with my db - maybe once every 2 years or so. He has mental health/addiction problems and relies heavily on his dw. They don't socialise with anyone. It's their way of coping and I respect that. I'll be there if he ever needs me but I'm not going to force it.
My dp has many siblings and they have very intertwined lives. It's part of their culture - family is massively important. They bend over backwards to help each other, then moan and bitch about it to the others. I can't get to grips with it. So different to my family.
I'm not sure which is preferable.

[Boomerwang]

Ok so it seems a bit half an half?

To clarify, the 'cutting out' part was purely about facebook, which was the only method of contact we've ever had. I was told that my status updates were too negative (true) and so his wife befriended me. My brother disappeared shortly after although he didn't say anything to me. I don't know if she made him do it or if he felt the same, or if he was made to feel he should... etc...

The fall out with my parents was because my mother (again over facebook) tried to give some advice to a friend of my brother's wife and it wasn't received well. I have no idea what this advice was nor what it was about. Brother's wife got mad about my mother's intervention and blocked her too. To this day the contact my parents have with my brother and his children is extremely limited.

Surely if my brother missed us he'd extend a hand?

Do you think siblings can be the same as strangers in that, if there's nothing in common or you don't like each other, you simply don't bother with each other? There's no bond at all?

It upsets me to listen to people I like telling me they are so close to their brother or sister that they share everything and I've never had that.

Frankly I'm pitying myself and jealous of those who have strong ties to their families because my brother might as well be dead.

[Boomerwang]

btw I never said I wanted to get back in touch. Despite all the woe is me my life is doomed attitude my nose up in the air would stop me making any attempt to contact him. But if he were to contact me I frankly need advice on how to respond. Life is too short, right? On the other hand, life has been short for a long time before the contact (if any) is made

The fall out with me vs his wife was because I was breaking up with my partner and my status updates were all 'today would be better if...' or 'I wish I was back home...' or ' I'm not a very good mother....'

[Boomerwang]

It might not be a nice thing to say, but I'm glad to see that there are some who don't have close ties to family members and that my situation isn't completely unusual.

[LaPharisienne]

My sibling is a dick and we have no contact. They're not a terrible person, just an irritating idiot and because we have little in common and don't get on, we aren't in touch. Genuinely doesn't bother me at all - just a relief. I no longer dread Christmas.

DP has no contact with his sibling. He's not bothered either, although his sibling is NC with the whole family and his parents are sad about it.

[Stitchfusion]

its not normal

[Thejubremonyatthelibrary]

I have one brother and weve maybe spoken to each other four or five times in the past 20 years (i'm 30). Doesn't bother me as a day to day thing.

[camena]

I've never been particularly close to my brother. He and I are very very different people.

Would it be nice to have a sibling that I'm close to and I trust? Yes. Do I trust him? No. Hence we are not close. Oh well. I don't think close ties with family are compulsory.

[PickAChew]

I see a little of my sister and we chat a few times a year. We aren't close, though. No idea where my brother is. My parents don't know, either. They might get the odd cryptic text, but that's about it.

[gingina]

I haven't seen my oldest brother for about 7 years because his wife and I don't get on. It's no loss to me, she's very controlling and spiteful and he is too spineless to stand up to her. She has cut off our whole family.
I see my other brother and sister once or twice a year but we just get on each others nerves and usually there's some sort of argument or disagreement and someone ends up offended or annoyed!
My cousin however is like a sister to me. We see each other once or twice a week, our kids have grown up together and I love her to bits.
Families are wierd!!

[RortyCrankle]

I have a younger sister and we speak once a year at Christmas. We don't have a single thing in common.

[CoverYourEarsTeam]

I have one half-sister who is 15 years younger and lives in another country. I see her every year or so. We're not close, never have been, but we do get on.
My DH is one of five. One of his brothers lives two suburbs away, with his wife and family. The rest are all back in our home country.
BIL and his wife have cut us out of their family (but haven't cut out the family in the home country). The current line is, I think, that we have nothing in common, which is news to us because until they got engaged we seemed to have plenty in common. We get no invitations to special occasions such as birthdays or christenings, and have been defriended on Facebook by Mrs BIL (BIL is not on it).
BIL could change this if he wanted. My DH put in an awful lot of effort last year ahead of a major birthday celebration for himself. In a year, he managed three beers in a pub and one birthday attendance (BIL only, not Mrs). No returned effort at all.
We've had to give up. The message is pretty clear, even if it is heart-breaking. I do think this has been initiated by Mrs BIL. But, equally, he's given her permission to behave that way and continue to. That's his choice.

[Owlytellsmesecrets]

I have 2 DB one 5 years older and one 10 years. Eldest DB left home at 18 so was only 8.
Other DB we hated Escher other until I turned 16..... Now we are close. With both him and his DW. Speak most days and lean on each other for emotional support.
Eldest DB has adult kids 30,29 & 26 and all but one has DC of their own, divorce but had GF of 9 years and she has DD11.
We lost our mum 2 years ago and she was my main support system (DB and his DW now) .... Wove got DS with severe disabilities so life is difficult.
My DS gas recently been in hospital for 3 weeks. Middle DB called every day to see how we were... Eldest DB ... Not even a message despite updating on a what's app group!
Family dynamics are strange, you cannot force a relationship!

[pontificationcentral]

Saw dsis in 2014 for fifteen minutes. Previously a few years before that, but can't remember. We chat a couple of times a year on fb. We get on fine. There's no drama or animosity at all - just busy lives doing different things. We usually talk on the phone at Christmas. If we remember. We could pick up again very easily if it was important, but on a day to day (year to year lol) basis, it... Isn't.

[Landoni112]

Some sad stories here, ironic that a lot of people I know with 1 child usually say the reason they want to have another is so the first child will have a sibling to be there for them.

[AppleMagic]

My sibling is a dick and we have no contact. They're not a terrible person, just an irritating idiot and because we have little in common and don't get on, we aren't in touch. Genuinely doesn't bother me at all - just a relief. I no longer dread Christmas.

This for me and my brother too. By avoiding contact we don't fall out and it saves the rest of the family any awkwardness.
I have cousins I am very close to though who I have a more sibling-like relationship with.

[cathaka15]

I used to deliver medication to the house bound a few years back. I was stunned as to how many lonely people there are who had absolutely no contact with their family members. Especially the elderly. They would have lots of children but would have NC with them.
I used to speak to them and they would feel so lonely and isolated. Only in home carers coming to help them and using only one small room in their huge houses. My visits were short but would talk to them for a while and they would tell me their stores. Mostly the same. Kids grew up and never came to see them again. Or had no dc but siblings all disappeared and never spoke to each other so lost contact.
Other cultures are different when family is concerned imo.
Firstly they have more children to begin with.
Most of the time living together soon as couples marry. Families being vey involved with dc when marriage is concerned. Picking rings having ALL the family involved in the celebrations. Visiting unannounced (not one of my favourite) for a cup of tea and a chat. So constantly being around each other. Also Believing blood is thicker than water really.
Not saying this way of living is any better but just different I guess.

[exLtEveDallas]

I have 2 brothers 2 sisters. I see/speak to one sister every month or so, another sister & brother every 2 months or so, and final bro maybe yearly. Don't have a problem with any of them, just don't have a reason to speak or see them more often.

Went to a family wedding this summer and got on great with them, had a fab time, but haven't spoken to any of them since.

These days I only speak to my parents monthly as well. I do feel guilty about that, but in the evenings by the time I remember to phone it's 'soaps' time and woe betide the person that interrupts mum's soaps!

I'm not worried that we aren't closer. We've all got our own lives to lead.

[yomellamoHelly]

I don't see my 3 brothers. Were never close growing up / always pitted against each other to point out some failing in ourselves. So not a surprise really. My dh speaks to his brother a lot when they're together (Christmas, Easter, holiday) but never in between.

[Imbroglio]

I think it's far from unusual. People are different and often siblings have different perspectives and experiences of family life growing up. Some are happy to leave their family behind when they grow up and have families of their own, while others like to stay involved.

I would be really sad if my children stopped having contact with me or each other when they are older.

[plumstone]

One brother here - had our ups and downs over the years, not close and only really speak and see him when DF arranges a family meal/get together - however he is my brother and he and my SIL are great people - we would do whatever was necessary as and when required. If he needed a kidney, money or even a cup of tea - if I could help I would and would like to think it would be reciprocated. We don't have much in common, but when I needed help redecorating a few years ago - bless him, he was there and stripped wallpaper all day for me. We barely spoke for 9 hours, but there was a hug and a smile at the end of it when leaving - its just the way we are!! - no need for regular communication at all!

[Myusernameismyusername]

I was very close to my sister until she met her DP and we now become further away as time goes on. Him and I do not seem to like one another anymore and I am not sure it can be fixed as neither of us like each other enough to make more of an effort than to be civil. I won't make my sister choose and I am sad about it. I have tried with him but get nothing back

[Boomerwang]

What would it take for families to reunite, and not just for one day? Death? I think it's so sad.

But not uncommon, apparently. I skype my parents every week (the're in the UK, I'm in Sweden) and they come over for a week a couple of times a year. There won't even be cards exchanged with my brother.

[ChunkyMcBitch]

I haven't spoken to one sister for 3 years and have no particular desire to do so either.

I speak to my brother only when necessary after he all but ignored me and mine for 15 years while he was married.

DM likes to pretend to everyone that we're all one big happy family but my sister and brother are cunts so I shan't be breaking my neck to see or speak to them any time soon