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Original poster

Is it quite normal not to have contact with siblings?

89 replies

Boomerwang · 11/10/2016 12:17

I have one brother who is five years older than me. He is married and has two boys. I have not spoken to him or seen him in years. He's uninterested in me or my daughter.

As far as I know we haven't had a fight or pissed each other off previously, but him ignoring me has kind of made me do the same, rather like 'if he won't then I won't either'.

Growing up with such an age gap meant we never were particularly close, but we both lived with our parents into our twenties (who could afford to live alone in Birmingham?) so it's not like life took us in different directions early on.

I just want to know if it's kind of normal to lose touch completely with your own brothers or sisters.

If it matters I know his wife has cut me and my parents out of her life completely. Perhaps he's just supporting his wife? Even before that though he didn't seem to care.

I'm a bit scared, to be honest, which is why I'm bringing this up now, because my parents aren't getting younger and I don't have any other family in my life.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 11/10/2016 14:04

I've not seen my sibling in over three years now, and hopefully it will be just as long til I see them again. I have spoken to them a handful of times in that period, and only when I've happened to me at my mother's when they've called.

I know it upsets my mother, but my sibling is a bully and I am far better off without them in my life.

PaniWahine · 11/10/2016 14:07

Families are odd things. I've not spoken to my mother in nearly 20 years; she had lousy taste in men including one gem who sexually assaulted me then stole a considerable amount of money from me. Youngest sister sides with her, and has a large chip on her shoulder that the whole world is against her (until she wants money). Get SMS from other two siblings when their relationships are rocky (sympathy) or when they've got a promotion / made a ton of money (bragging). I call my parents weekly, they never call me. I live on the other side of the world but visit regularly. They'll all give out that they miss me etc, but usually when I'm home there is arguments etc so I'm glad to leave and aside from two visits in 12 years, my parents are the only ones to visit.
DH doesn't keep in contact with his family, but they keep in contact with him, usually to 'borrow' money. So far we have covered a bathroom extension, an engagement ring, maternity fees and a wedding - to which we didn't receive an invite. If they call him and he ignores their calls, they'll eventually call me. They don't speak English but the SMS follow ups usually give us the picture - often it's just a number they're wishing for.
Blood isn't thicker than water, but I do find it sad sometimes. I see the fantasies on TV and wish I had it, then I remember they're paid actors and everyone has family dramas

Shallishanti · 11/10/2016 14:12

I have christmas only contact with my db, he does send a generous gift for the whole family (hamper) and I try to reciprocate- we are close in age but that's about it. He has declined invites and as he lives 100s of miles away a casual visit will not happen. We met last at df's funeral. It doesn't bother me too much to be honest but I know it upsets my dm, but there's not much I can do really.

Reassuring to read others are similar.

Hedgehogparty · 11/10/2016 14:14

My family is very small, I only see my brother around2- 3x a year, although he's less than 2 hours away.
It was better with his previous partner who'd invite us over regularly. His new one is pleasant but wouldn't ever invite us over, and neither now does he.

If you have this sort of family, good friends become even more important.

Note3 · 11/10/2016 14:19

Another here with no contact with a sibling. I have one sibling who's nearly 2 decades older and we're now close (having had several issues previously though largely where other family members had made third party comments and created drama where there wasn't any).

Have a sibling close in age who has now told us he wants zero contact as we're 'constant letdowns'. This is laughable and I suspect is linked to his being a narcissistic muppet who always thinks he's right, has no genuine respect for us and pretends to be someone he's not all the time. I grew sick of being treated like rubbish over and over and distanced myself.

Now he has regular contact with one parent (to manipulate money from them) and slight contact with another (same gain but harder to get money from).

Sad that I have a sibling I cannot stand and don't have much family support as it is (small complex family) but I am far better without his toxic self in my life.

To the OP I would suggest considering aunts, uncles and cousins and trying to see if you can find common ground with them.

dottypotter · 11/10/2016 14:35

I have a sister we don't speak
partner has 2 siblings we don't speak

its not the way we wanted it though. We think it is their fault.

OhFuckOff · 11/10/2016 14:41

I have a brother 12yrs older and we don't speak and have never been close, he left home at 16. My sister is 5yrs older than me we were once close. But haven't spoken now in 18mnths after she didn't invite me to her daughters adoption 1st anniversary party as I was overweight and wouldn't fit in Sad. Fuck her I'm now 5st lighter, I feel for her daughter if she grows up as shallow as her mother.

WowOoo · 11/10/2016 14:48

I'm in contact with my older brother. I see him 3 or 4 times a year at least. I call and text him regularly, so does Dh. I didn't talk much for years when he went abroad. He forgot about us and went off and had fun.

I think it sounds like your brother's wife who doesn't want contact. I'm pretty close to my SIL - actually I see her and the kids more. We do a lot of the organising and planning of weekends to stay with each other. My brother likes to 'go with the flow' would be a nice way of saying it!

I see the rest of my family as often as I can. I know my BIL can't be arsed to see us and that's a shame. But my sister makes him! He says 'hello' and then goes off fishing or something. Might as well not bother!

Why don't you get in touch and arrange a get together for the next birthday or in holiday time? Just say that it would be nice to see him. Perhaps without the wife if you can manage that somehow...

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 14:50

I think its when the shit hits the fan in your life you find out if you have a good family. Mine don't live in each others pockets but will be there if needed.

dontpokethebear · 11/10/2016 14:59

I am the only child of my parents unhappy marriage. My mum has 2 children from a previous marriage and my dad has 3. Each set of siblings blamed the others parents etc etc.
Whenever there was any conflict with my parents, my siblings (even the one I was particularly close to) would close ranks and I would be left in the middle, on my own and forced to fend off the nastiness towards each side.
By the time my dad died and his children's petty behaviours spilled out at his funeral, I decided I had had enough and have been NC for 4 years.

lukasgrahamfan · 11/10/2016 15:23

I do not see my very much younger half sister and half brother at all since our mother died. When she was alive they would be the ones who got the attention and conveniently made sure they always got it all and touched her for money constantly, big amounts too. It used to wind me up. Both quite manipulative. I was always the black sheep and I could always see through them so was kept at arms length.

I know a good deal more about their father - my step father - and it is hard for me to keep things from them. He was not a nice man and sometimes I have felt like telling them some home truths, and that he did not make my mother happy at all.

So best I keep it all in, and not see them. They aren't my sort of people and whilst I would work at contact if they made efforts to keep in touch with me, they don't. And I would feel a bit hypocritical anyway so it's best left as it is.

SuramarMom · 11/10/2016 15:24

Three sisters, three brothers, fourteen nieces and nephews and ten great nieces and nephews.

I'm the youngest sister so grew up with my nieces and nephews who are more like my brothers and sisters.

We at the very least speak to each other everyday and essentially live in each other's pockets (all live in the same town)

I hope dd and ds see each other and the family as often, it's a fantastic support network x x x

OlennasWimple · 11/10/2016 15:30

I have sporadic contact with my siblings. Facebook is very helpful for keeping up with the ins and outs of their lives TBH

DH has lots of contact with one of his siblings, some with another and nothing at all with one of them. No great falling out, but as adults they have very little little in common, including ethics and personal beliefs. "Blood is thicker than water" is complete BS

Joysmum · 11/10/2016 15:57

My DH and his DSIS are the only family they have left.

They dont have anything in common and we see her maybe twice a year. I think he'd like to be closer because she's his only blood family but he doesn't make an effort either. It's like he feels closer to their deceased parents if he's in touch with her but they really are complete opposites.

Eevee77 · 11/10/2016 18:06

It's pretty normal ime, sadly. Some people just can't be bothered to make the effort and if his wife has cut you out it will just make it easier for him to not try. Did she have a reason?

JeepersMcoy · 11/10/2016 18:13

I have one sibling I have made a conscious decision to be no contact with and have no wish to ever see again. I have two others who I get on perfectly well with when I see them but only see maybe every couple of years. We are just not a very close family and have our own lives. I don't see why I have to be friends with someone just because we happen to share a parent.

NataliaOsipova · 11/10/2016 18:17

DH doesn't see his siblings unless it is at a (very few and far between) family event. They will occasionally call if they want some free advice on something and I am Fakebook friends with his brother, my SIL and one niece. But that is it.

Titsywoo · 11/10/2016 18:23

I don't really have contact with my brothers either. They both work with my parents so I see them when we go visit but that's about it. I was quite close to my middle brother as a kid but we were very different people from teenage years onwards and my younger brother and I weren't really close as he was a baby when I was becoming an adult. It doesn't bother me tbh. I have lots of friends who are very very close to their whole families but I prefer a bit of distance!

My best friend is my old neighbour and we grew up together from the age of 3. I see her like a sister and we are very close.

SarcasmMode · 11/10/2016 18:23

One sister I talk to quite often and we have children nearly the same age.

The other one I've not seen in 3 years and before that about once a year just for my Dads sake. She was a nightmare when I was younger and she still wants to make everything about her.

I do like to see my niece and nephews though.

Emz449 · 11/10/2016 18:25

I speak to my sister everyday over whatsapp and my brother now and then. I haven't actually spoken to my parents since I saw them two months ago, nothing happened at all but that's just how we are! Nothing to report I guess and my sister does tell me any news

wineusuallyhelps · 11/10/2016 18:27

I don't think it's unusual. I am close to one of my siblings but haven't spoken to the other one for 10 years and never intend to.

DH hasn't seen one of his siblings for several years but there is no bad feeling. They just don't bother other than a text once a year or something. Another of his siblings is Christmas-only. The third, we see regularly and get on well. All down to personalities, I guess.

HateSummer · 11/10/2016 18:38

I've not spoken to my sister so ce

HateSummer · 11/10/2016 18:40

Since March. Our family isn't very close. None of the siblings really care about one another. We're just related through our parents and that's it.

Rozdeek · 11/10/2016 18:43

I don't think 5 years is a big age gap. There are 5 years between my sister and I, and 13 years between my brother and I, and we're all very close

Equally I know sisters with barely 18 months between them who can't bear each other.

It depends completely on the people involved.

Secretsandlies222 · 11/10/2016 19:10

I'm one of eight siblings who are close in age ( Parents had eight children in nine years). The majority of us who live locally meet up with each other at least once every fortnight, often at our parents' home where we grew up. Gives our kids the opportunity to see each other whilst seeing their grandparents. We also have a WhatsApp siblings chat. I thought this was pretty normal but see that there are many families who aren't so close. I can imagine that some may find this suffocating but i don't. I hope that our kids remain just as close,