Will I ever get over exdh leaving me for OW?

[Spectacular2]

This is my first post but I have been watching these forums and can see that there are a lot of ladies possibly in the same boat as me.

I have been divorced from exdh for nearly 6 years now and I still can’t get over that he left me for OW.

We were together for 13 years and married for 3 and he truly was the best husband in the world, I idolised him. I thought I had it all, he was kind, funny, clever and handsome and had a lovely family who welcomed me into their family unit. His mum was like a mum to me as I lost mine to a long standing illness when we had been together 3 years. Looking back now I can see that he wasn’t as into me as I was to him and he later admitted that he had been pressured into marrying me, I always felt like he cared for me, but wasn’t in love with me. After we married he seemed reluctant to start a family with me and I know I shouldn’t have tricked him but I ‘fell pregnant by accident’. He seemed happy and loved our ds to bits. I felt like I could make it work.

One day he came home from work and sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he didn’t love me, had never loved me and that he was leaving. And that was that. He left and moved in with his parents. I later found out he had left to be with OW.

I was broken, he was my life and gave me all the security I wanted. That was six years ago and I still can’t move on. I have been to counselling twice and was on anti-depressants for a good 18 months after he left. I am ashamed to admit that I still want him back and pine for him.

I hate that he seems to care so little for me now, I don’t even get a card on my birthday or xmas. I don’t even get to see him to be friendly with him as he had his contact order changed when ds went to school so that he picks ds up from school on a fri night and drops him at school mon morning every other weekend he has him. Its like he wants to forget I even exist.

I feel like a fool. I am nearly 41 for gods sake and still can’t move on. I did try online dating for a year or two to try and get over him but the guys on there were awful!

I totally believe there are women like this however, I think very few are so forthcoming with everything awful they have done. Especially while feigning disbelief about the situation.

It was certainly part of DHs exW script. Telling professionals, family members, anyone who would listen (she even contacted my exH!) about how wronged she had been, and how she "had no choice" but to withhold contact with DHs DCs, publicly slander my business, lie to the DCs about DH so that they sided with her (she told their Headteacher that one, which was the turning point in DHs relationship with the school) and be totally oblivious as to how the behaviour she was describing could be construed by anyone as anything other than reasonable and completely justified.

The drip feeding of her own extreme behaviour that AF highlighted is also familiar - as if the lengths she has had to go to is somehow evidence of how unreasonable DH had been.

OP you seem to have very little awareness that the way you have behaved has affected other people's lives. You have dismissed it as "I know it was wrong, but I've tried to make it up, and he won't do what I want him to".

Until you acknowledge that you can never undo what you have done, never make it up, never change the opinion he and others have of you, you will stay stuck in this cycle. He sounds like a good guy. He hasn't pressed charges, hasn't sought residency of your DCs.

Your moving on cannot be dependent on him. That is your responsibility alone.

OP, I really think you need to see a psychiatrist not a counsellor. You sound like you're having paranoid delusions and if that's true then you need medication and professional help.

Please go and talk to your GP.

It is NOT normal to obsess over someone who may not ever have been the OW years later. It's NOT normal to invent a persona for your ex DH that you'll never get back. And it sounds like you're in danger of damaging your son.

It's not going to get better until you fade up to reality.

No offence, NN. I am sorry you experienced that.

None taken AF - in a sad kind of way, I'm finding this thread validates my own experience .

I think there are more men out there experiencing behaviour like the OPs than we care to admit - problem is, they are still a tiny proportion compared to the number of women experiencing abuse and harassment at the hands of a male ex. So the male victims tend to get overlooked, forgotten or disbelieved.

At least no-one has tried to excuse her behaviour. Let's be thankful for small mercies

I agree with the poster who said it was about control.

I think you found a fantastic bloke. It became your mission to make him yours. You sort of did but you realise it wasn't enough. Which is what is bothering you deep down.
I think if you truly love someone it hurts when you split but you will always have that genuine love and move into your next relationship.If someone makes you doubt that or you never had it in the first place you have an empty gap or worse.

I think you are still trying to control something rather than actually seeing him as your ex. There are other men, good ,kind, interesting men. Judging by your investment in this old relationship I would buy a copy of The Rules. Not only does it have the message that you are only to love people that love you back it has a whole chapter on getting back an ex ( and more pointedly,when you shouldn't even bother )

So the male victims tend to get overlooked, forgotten or disbelieved.

I think a lot of men can step back and disconnect, like the ops ex. Even though they are connected through a child he has found a way of never seeing her as she's obviously got MH issues at the moment. Seeing him would probably not help

Is this for real?!

Not often that I read a thread and hope it's not for real.

It was certainly part of DHs exW script. Telling professionals, family members, anyone who would listen (she even contacted my exH!) about how wronged she had been, and how she "had no choice" but to withhold contact with DHs DCs, publicly slander my business, lie to the DCs about DH so that they sided with her

That's the think though. The Op seems completely aware that did stop contact out of spite. Usually people twist their ex's actions to justify it. The Op hasn't.

I am not sure I explained it well on my first attempt. I would think that most people behaving like the OP would make more of an attempt to make their ex into the monster that wronged her, even when it's not true.

Re the "he'll come crawling back" comments, I think that's something that a lot of people hope for when they are in the first throes of heartache - a fantasy so they can imagine telling them to fuck off and have the satisfaction of being the one to end it. And I'm sure friends play up to it in a "he's a fool" and "he's walked away from the best thing that ever happened to him" over a bottle of wine fashion, as a way of comforting a sobbing friend.

But this is 6 years on. Surely nobody nobody can possibly believe that an ex is coming back after 6 years? Especially when the ex in question has remarried and had another child. I can't imagine for a moment that friends are still saying that now to the OP, even if they did, as a throwaway comment, 6 years ago

Those who think this is a reverse or not real...the OP is so much like my mum it's scary.

My parents split up about 15 years ago. Anyone from the outside can see the cracks that were in their marriage, especially since my dad just didn't love her, but my mum still hasn't gotten over it. Still thinks they had the perfect marriage, still thinks he stole her perfect life from her by leaving. As if he should have just swallowed his feelings and carried on living a lie. After 15 years she's still jealous of his long term partner, still jealous when they go on holiday as "it should have been her". She tried to slag him off to me when I was a teenager and I wouldn't stand for it. I know the only mistake he made was marrying the wrong person, he did his absolute best to do right by me and my sister. She still can't understand why they can't be friends and go on holiday together like her friends do with her ex husbands. She thinks that's perfectly normal. She can't understand why my dad wouldn't want to be friends with her.

The sad thing is she has just wasted her life with her bitterness. She's gone from one crappy relationship to the next, the one good guy she met since my dad she ruined it with her controlling behaviour (didn't like him having contact with his ex and mother of his kids, which is a joke considering the amount she clings on to my dad). She is so desperate for a boyfriend as she feels that's the only thing that will make her life complete. Years ago I suggested that she make more effort with her female friends and she said "what's the point of that?" Now she has no boyfriend and no friends. She will probably waste the rest of her life pining for my dad and this idealised version of their marriage that never existed.

It seems op has done one...

I think a lot of men can step back and disconnect, like the ops ex. Even though they are connected through a child he has found a way of never seeing her

You might be surprised how much it does affect the OPs exH (and his family).

My DH did his crying in private, saw a counsellor for months, and sought expert support to learn how to do the best he could for the DCs. He never once slagged her off, he retained a detached and pragmatic demeanour when in public and didn't rise to her goading in court. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. And I'm terrified of her - my biggest fear is that she somehow gains access to my DD - and DD is not DHs child. If we'd had a child together, like the OPs ex has, I'd be really scared of what she'd do to them.

The OP is the mother of her ex's child and she has shown so little self control that she deliberately damaged his car. What loving father wouldn't worry about leaving their DC in the care of someone with that sort of poor impulse control?

I think it is possible to still struggle with a break up years later. I think it's true that you can still fantasise that he will suddenly decide one day, years down the line, that it was you he loved. My DH left me for OW, and I struggled to move on. We did get back together over four years later, as he said he realised that the grass wasn't greener, and are still together now, closer and stronger.

NN - bit harsh to say you would be afraid to leave DC in the care of someone because they lashed out at someone they felt was responsible for the end of their marriage. I reckon most women who have been cheated on contemplate doing something vengeful to OW/OM or their cheating partner. To most it's probably something they fantisise about in their head rather than act on it. People will often act out of character when faced with what is usually the most devastating situation that can happen in your life.

NN

I wholeheartedly understand this ex-W phenomenon.

My partner's ex-wife has behaved horrifically to her ds's and him, and me. I never knew women could be so bad. I knew all about bad men, but this has been a revelation. She has repeatedly told the boys he doesn't love them anymore now he has me, she has refused to let them go on holiday with him - on one occasion barricading them into a room, she constantly gets them to call him on loudspeaker to find out what he is doing, she tells them he doesn't pay enough money (£650k mortgage free house and £3500 per month), says he doesn't want to see them (he has them 50% of the time), she has used their social media accounts to send me abusive messages, she texts him about 25 times every day, she texts me abuse about how ugly I am, she has be-friended my ex-h, she has threatened to call my boss - to say what, who knows, she refuses to buy things at the last minute like uniform/sports wear then tells the ds's that their dad should have bought it and can't look after them, she GRILLS them for information about me and everything we have done.

And like you say, people find it hard to believe. It is something that just isn't in our narrative about women. Wasn't in mine, I have to say!

And for the disbelievers, my bf genuinely tries to resolve this - I have never seen him get angry in all these years, he ignores all her messages except to arrange times for pickups etc., he pays for everything (she doesn't work) and he has them 50% of the time (currently 100% as one of them has been thrown out for some trivial matter by her but that is another story) and she is incapable of changing. They too spit up 7 years ago and I wasn't the OW.

I think that you should get some counselling but not about your husband leaving you - but about the loss of your mum, your parents, because I think that's the key to it all. This overwhelming need to be part of somebody else's family, to crave it so much. This is because there's a hole in your left that your MUM left, not your husband. That's what I think anyway.

I also think this. You have to ask yourself why you would do something as awful and manipulative as get 'accidentally' pregnant to begin with. I get that being left by your DH is deeply upsetting, but it happens all the time, and people generally get over it better than this, so I think the problem goes back beyond that.

I also agree about the advice to look after people or animals. Okay so what you need is a safe family environment, but if you can't find one, looking after others can be something of a substitute. That's my experience anyway.

I do kind of feel for you - even though your behaviour is worrying - you're clearly struggling.

NN - bit harsh to say you would be afraid to leave DC in the care of someone because they lashed out at someone they felt was responsible for the end of their marriage.

That's not what she said. The OP has a history going back years of making poor decisions. It's not just about the car.

She is emotionally abusing her son. She committed a criminal offence by defacing car. But that's not the only time she has made a bad judgment.

If what she says is true, She got pregnant on purpose to keep a man she knew didn't love her, she involved that child in the break up. She banned that child from seeing his dad and is continuing to ban them from going on holiday together.

The car was not the only instance that she has shown extremely bad decision making and doesn't put her son first. It's disingenuous to suggest anyone said she shouldn't have her son because of one bad decision.

You say people often act out of character when devastated. Non of this is out of character. It's how she behaves. A man behaving like this to his ex would be called abusive.

It will get better.

However you deceived him by 'accidentally' falling pregnant and some people may say thats more dishonest than an affair.

You obviously have long standing issues and I would focus on sorting them rather than worrying about him buying you a birthday card.

You are risking messing your son up. Please get help, your behaviour isn't rational.

My ex dh left me for a girlfriend he had before me, he'd been in touch with her through Facebook and had been seeing her when he went to visit his mum in his old hometown while I was at work. He told me he didn't love me, upped and left within two weeks and never seen or heard of again (she was Russian and I think he disappeared there, no way of contacting him, we originally both lived in London) leaving me with dd aged 6 at the time, no maintenance, thousands of debt and me having just been made redundant at work. I can't stress to you how truly awful it was. I posted something on Netmums (!) at the time saying my life was over.

But you know what it wasn't. You need some help with your self esteem. It's incredibly telling that you viewed yourself as past it at 35 when he left. Seriously?! 35 is young in the scheme of things. Even 41 now is young. My mum is 67 and dating again, sure she's kissed a lot of frogs but you keep going. She's had some lovely boyfriends too and has had a lot of fun. She still hopes the meet the one!

I got myself a new job, moved to a new area (lost half my money downsizing in the process!) and online dated. Had some truly awful crappy men, went out and had fun with some much younger ones (!) and eventually met my now dh. We have been together 7 years now and we also have a 4 year old ds. I am a similar age to you.

You can't just give up because your ex dh decided he didn't want to be with you anymore. It's not a reflection on you as a person, it's him. You weren't right for him, but you can make yourself happy doing other things and living a new life.

You've been wasting the last 6 years of your life, don't waste the next 6. Time is very precious.

My XH is like you.
If they spoke my DP's name in his presence they got a frosty silence, so they learned not to.
School plays, etc, had to be attended on different nights.
The boys ended up filtering DP out of their conversation to protect their father.

Guess what? They now live with me full time and see their dad for lunch once or twice a week.

Put your son's feelings first, or when he's old enough he'll vote with his feet and you'll lose him.

they should be 'our sons'