Will I ever get over exdh leaving me for OW?

[Spectacular2]

This is my first post but I have been watching these forums and can see that there are a lot of ladies possibly in the same boat as me.

I have been divorced from exdh for nearly 6 years now and I still can’t get over that he left me for OW.

We were together for 13 years and married for 3 and he truly was the best husband in the world, I idolised him. I thought I had it all, he was kind, funny, clever and handsome and had a lovely family who welcomed me into their family unit. His mum was like a mum to me as I lost mine to a long standing illness when we had been together 3 years. Looking back now I can see that he wasn’t as into me as I was to him and he later admitted that he had been pressured into marrying me, I always felt like he cared for me, but wasn’t in love with me. After we married he seemed reluctant to start a family with me and I know I shouldn’t have tricked him but I ‘fell pregnant by accident’. He seemed happy and loved our ds to bits. I felt like I could make it work.

One day he came home from work and sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he didn’t love me, had never loved me and that he was leaving. And that was that. He left and moved in with his parents. I later found out he had left to be with OW.

I was broken, he was my life and gave me all the security I wanted. That was six years ago and I still can’t move on. I have been to counselling twice and was on anti-depressants for a good 18 months after he left. I am ashamed to admit that I still want him back and pine for him.

I hate that he seems to care so little for me now, I don’t even get a card on my birthday or xmas. I don’t even get to see him to be friendly with him as he had his contact order changed when ds went to school so that he picks ds up from school on a fri night and drops him at school mon morning every other weekend he has him. Its like he wants to forget I even exist.

I feel like a fool. I am nearly 41 for gods sake and still can’t move on. I did try online dating for a year or two to try and get over him but the guys on there were awful!

You're not 'bitter', what an unattractive word

Every single part of your post is about how amazing he is. And what you say about yourself is a whole load of negative self talk.

Your problem is that 6 years later you only see yourself as a reflection in his eyes - unloveable, rejected, pathetic.

You are NOT that person. You're someone in your own right who hasn't found their way yet.

You have low self esteem and you've entirely lost who you are at some point along the way. You need to take the focus off him and focus on you. Find what makes you happy.

And if you think that what makes you happy is being with someone who doesn't love you and lied about loving you for years and years, well, you can see why I'm mentioning self esteem can't you ?

Sounds like you dont want to get over him or move on.
You dont date decent men because you are still waiting for your ex to come back to you.

HE WON'T HE IS HAPPY AND IN LOVE WITH HIS WIFE.

You hate your job. Change it.
You have eow to pursue a hobby make friends and enjoy life. You are just making excuses not to.

Nobody can change your life for you and as long as you believe he will come back you will never move on.
You both behaved badly in the relationship and it ended. Not surprising really as it was built on lies.

Face the reality OP no matter how harsh it is because all the councilling and medication in the world cannot help you if you won't let the idea of him go.

I mean this in the nicest possible way. Is it possible that you didn't love him, but your idea of him? It seems like you were so eager to have the perfect family, with lovely children and a great lifestyle, that you kind of assumed he would like exactly the same things, instead of listening to the fact that he didn't really want that. The "best" wife for someone isn't the person who does the neatest ironing or wears the nicest clothes.

My advice is simple: there will be a man out there who wants the same things as you. But it's emphatically and absolutely not your exDH. The sooner that you accept that, the sooner you will be able to move on.

I am speculating here but did you get married AFTER the pregnancy?

It seems like you got together early 20's? I'm thinking you were young it was great then it kind of went a bit flat maybe. You both just chugged along. He loved being adored by you so just went with it. Then suddenly you are pregnant and there's all this extra pressure to get married... he gives in, you marry then he realises he doesn't really want this. He meets OW and boom he realises what he missed out on.

It's sadly very common. I know a lot of people who got into relationships when they were teens or in their early 20's and just went with it for years. Usually something then happens which is a catalyst for them realising they really aren't happy.

The good news is you can move on but you need to let go. You need to realise he isn't the great man you have him painted as. He is a twat. He stayed with you for years feeling meh about it all whilst you adored him. Get angry with HIM not her. She's irrelevant in this. If it wasn't her it would be someone else or something else. He was chugging along waiting for something to make him realise he didn't want all this, his family wanted for him.

You have to stop idolising him or you will never be able to move on. You are 41, not dead. I know plenty of people who have remarried in their 30's and 40's, lots with kids. Hell one of them has 5 kids. You will never find happiness whilst you are clinging onto this idea that he's coming back. He isn't. He has moved on. He has another wife and another child, he isn't coming back. He doesn't talk to you because he doesn't want to, possibly because he knows how you feel and doesn't want to lead you on.

You are better than this, you are a person in your own right. Go and find out who she is because she sure as hell isn't this right here. Go find a hobby, go to clubs, get out. Go and do something you really want to do just because. Go live your life. The best revenge is a life well lived.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

It can sometimes take years to get over someone and for the brain to process the relationship in its true light.
In answer to your question, yes you can get over it, but it will take an enormous amount of strength and determination on your part because there isn't a magic cure.

As others have said, firstly look after yourself and definitely get more counselling. Find something that really interests you so that you are not obsessing about him and all the time.

The more you think and obsess about him, the more addicted to him you will become. You must break the cycle.
Don't hate it when your DS mentions his little sister - it IS his little sister and they are lucky to have each other, and you should be pleased for him.
You can definitely do it, but it is all down to you.
Good luck,

One day he came home from work and sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he didn’t love me, had never loved me and that he was leaving. And that was that. He left and moved in with his parents. I later found out he had left to be with OW.

How much later? And what did you actually find out?

Only, I wonder if it is possible that he started dating her after you split, and that you have painted her as the OW as a way of absolving him of blame?

Dear OP, please do not show that you hate it when your DS refers to his half-sister as his sister. She is his sister.

Your DS's relationship with his dad and his sister is not about you. You need to find a way of accepting all of your DS's life, otherwise you will harm him.

Also, don't waste your life hating your exH's wife. There is nothing to be gained by it, and he will not come back to you. I am so sorry you are in this mess. :(

Please get counselling. You sound so unhappy and you have so much life to be lived.

What Wiseup said.

So sorry you feel like this, it sounds grim.
Just to give you a but of perspective. I didn't meet my DH till I was 36, and we now have of DD and DS. 35 is not washed up

That is his sister and you are a proper ex-wife. You could only make a good wife to your ex - husband in an alternative universe.

In the real world, you are a mum looking for a new partner - hard but it happens all the time - and it sounds like your ex is behaving decently towards his son and sensibly avoiding contact with you. Seems like a pretty good arrangement all round? You have the space and spare time you need to date? Take advantage of it.

Does sound like you need help facing up to the real world, though.

Your posts are brimming with how you need a man to be happy.

Then you drip feed that you need a man to be happy because your life is shit boring because you are in a dead end job.

Fix the job. Retrain. Get a career, or just a new job that you like. Then see whether you still need a man to bring sunshine to your life.

Maybe you are focussing your attention on the wrong problem, which is why you still feel shit. Attack the actual problem, your life independent of the penised ones, and maybe you'll start to feel better.

You need help immediately, this is not normal behaviour. I'm guessing a lot more has gone on than s month stopping ex seeing your son and nail varnish on the car.

Expressions like you'd be a better wife to him than OW, what is that based on?

Get the help you need, don't be entering into any other relationship before you've received it.

Good luck

You actually sound scary. I hope you are not demonstrating any of this disordered thinking to your son, because it will be damaging him.

This is what happens when a normal, nice man gets trapped by a needy, unhappy woman. Sadly you are the one in the wrong here not your ex or the OW. Be glad for the time you had and the beautiful son you share. Let this man go he's isn't, wasn't and won't ever be your 'other half'. Get some counselling and try to find a happiness within yourself, I know this sounds hard and it is but once you start you can just inch yourself forward until you. find an emotional place where being on your own is good. There are many, many happy single parents I was one for many years. You will only find a good relationship when you don't really need one and if you continue on this path you will only get more and more unhappy.

I don't understand how you think you can be a better wife than ow. You were his wife and it didn't work out.

Or how you think if he will see the light and realise he could have had a good life with you. He did have a life with you but didn't want it any more.

He has well and truly moved on and you are wasting so much emotional energy wishing for something that is not going to happen.

I do feel for you as you obviously love/d him very much.

I find this incredibly sad.

I am not actually sure of the woman is the OW or not.

It's hard to judge him harshly for marrying you, because you sound quite delusional. And you have acted horribly. You got pregnant on purpose without including him in the decision, you stopped him seeing his son and defaced his girlfriends car.

He has cut contact with you because of the way you have acted.

If a woman posted here that she met a man after he left his wife and is now married to him and loses the things the ex wife has done, people would be telling her that her husband needs to cut contact with her if possible.

If she was a OW, I am sorry that happened. But the cutting contact with you, the not acknowledging your birthday is a result of your actions. If the split had been amicable, maybe he would send you a birthday card, occasionally chat to you.

But even if he did these things he still wouldn't come back. He is married and moved on.

You don't have to be depressed to need counselling. You need counselling. You certainly don't need a man. You need to look at why you want a relationship. Because it sounds like you want someone to give your security and take care of you. You don't want a partnership. You need to sort that before you start dating.

You need to work on yourself and I think you need some counselling. You come across as very bitter. The anger with the criminal damage to the car, was beyond comprehension.
You need to remember you ARE an ex wife. It's not made up

Op, one crazy person to another, you sound nuts. Your thinking is seriously disordered, and none of this is a normal way to behave at this stage. If your GP won't help you I strongly suggest that you seek counselling privately. If money is an issue many practices offer affordable sessions for those who need them - the Samaritans can probably help you find them. Seriously, this isn't just a normal response to losing your husband. You're only 2 years older than me and I just had my first child. You could meet someone, fall I'm love, get remarried, and have another baby still. But not if you don't get some help with this obsessive behaviour. :/ Your son deserves a happy mum, he deserves a mum who can show him how to deal with the bad stuff life throws at us. Get some help and be that mum.

Good morning all, thank you all for posting!

i really do sound nuts don't I? I'm really not, although I have done some things that I am not proud of to OW :( I do know for sure that he left her for me, he pretty much told me that he had fallen in love with someone else, although I know they didn't get together until properly until about 5/6 months after he left.

I am in now way painting him as perfect, we had our ups and downs when we were together, but he was a good man and made me very happy. I feel very sad that he has continued to be a good dad to our ds but completelt dis-regard me like trash. at times I think it would be easier of he was a nasty piece of work and then I could hate him. He pays CM every month on time and above what he is supposed to, he never lets ds down and ds adores him and has a great time with him. I can;t even say that when we were together he was abusive or controlling or anything like some of you ladies on here have been through.

I know he did a shitty thing to me and at times I hate him for putting me in this position, 41 and on my own with ds.

Posters on here are right about me missing my family, my dad was never around growing up and my mum dies when I was in my 20s. His family were my family. As was he.

I work with his mum (although we do different shifts / hours so don't actually work with her that much). I know she still cares about me and misses our relationship. She is the only person I have to babysit ds on the rare nights I go out. I want to be closer to her but I feel like she keeps me at arms length a bit now. I know how upset with me she was when I stopped exdh seeing his son and I think I have lost some of her trust. I know she doesn't have the same relationship with OW as we used to have.

I have tried to apologise to exdh about not letting him see ds and for making OW's life hell for a bit, but he doesn't want to know. I barely see him now but have tried emailing him but never get a reply.

I feel like I am being punished by him not being friendly with me. How can someone treat the mother of their firstborn child like that?

I know OW and her exdh get along great, I once saw them in a restaurant with their ds and I know from ds that they often all hang out with his new wife and her dd's. I would love a relationship with exdh like that.

I really hope I haven't come across as totally deranged.....

I don't hate my job, its flexible and I can work around ds, its just dull and i've been doing it for 20 years. I know OW has a much more exciting job!

I do have a few friends locally, but not close friends, more like work friend type thing. I go out for the odd work night when there is one arranged.

I think it is your own behaviour that has put the kibosh on any hope for an amicable relationship with your ex.

From everything you have said, he has acted as decently as is possible to do so in the circs

I know I sound harsh, lovey bit you really do need to move on.

What will help to fix you is some good female friendships, nothing at all to do with men. The kind where they won't let you obsess about your ex and make a sap of yourself over a bloke. Have you any work type friends that you could cultivate a bit more?

May I point something out, OP? I think it's telling.

In your post of 09:27, you wrote "I do know for sure that he left her for me...". Of course you meant "...he left me for her...".

A Freudian slip, no doubt, but surely indicative you how your mind is currently working.

You do need help to move on. For your DS if not for you. There is a beautiful world out there to enjoy, and there's someone in it to hold your hand - you just haven't met him yet. Let yourself be happy.

He treats you like that because you treated him terribly. Because he's never loved you, and stuck around trying to make a relationship work for the sake of your child, but eventually had to admit the truth.

Obviously he's not without fault, he should never have married you. But you shouldn't have had a child without it being a mutual decision. Quite frankly the only way for him to deal with your irrational obsession was to cut you off as far as possible. He doesn't want to be friends with you and there is no reason for him to be. Your marriage was a mistake.

You need specialist help. What you are feeling isn't normal and I don't think you are just going to "get over it" without help.