Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will I ever get over exdh leaving me for OW?

148 replies

Spectacular2 · 10/10/2016 13:52

This is my first post but I have been watching these forums and can see that there are a lot of ladies possibly in the same boat as me.

I have been divorced from exdh for nearly 6 years now and I still can’t get over that he left me for OW.

We were together for 13 years and married for 3 and he truly was the best husband in the world, I idolised him. I thought I had it all, he was kind, funny, clever and handsome and had a lovely family who welcomed me into their family unit. His mum was like a mum to me as I lost mine to a long standing illness when we had been together 3 years. Looking back now I can see that he wasn’t as into me as I was to him and he later admitted that he had been pressured into marrying me, I always felt like he cared for me, but wasn’t in love with me. After we married he seemed reluctant to start a family with me and I know I shouldn’t have tricked him but I ‘fell pregnant by accident’. He seemed happy and loved our ds to bits. I felt like I could make it work.

One day he came home from work and sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he didn’t love me, had never loved me and that he was leaving. And that was that. He left and moved in with his parents. I later found out he had left to be with OW.

I was broken, he was my life and gave me all the security I wanted. That was six years ago and I still can’t move on. I have been to counselling twice and was on anti-depressants for a good 18 months after he left. I am ashamed to admit that I still want him back and pine for him.

I hate that he seems to care so little for me now, I don’t even get a card on my birthday or xmas. I don’t even get to see him to be friendly with him as he had his contact order changed when ds went to school so that he picks ds up from school on a fri night and drops him at school mon morning every other weekend he has him. Its like he wants to forget I even exist.

I feel like a fool. I am nearly 41 for gods sake and still can’t move on. I did try online dating for a year or two to try and get over him but the guys on there were awful!

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 11/10/2016 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/10/2016 14:53

Whether you believe it or not, she is now his WIFE.

You have a small window of opportunity to put things right with your son. Let his father take him on holiday. You have absolutely no right to stop him, it's his son too, not just yours.

If you choose to give up your life because your marriage has ended then that's down to you. There's no reason to, you can have a great life and you owe it to your son to be a happy person too - that would make him happy and his childhood memories happy. What you're doing now is preventing him from making new memories with his dad, because it's all about you and what you feel. That's selfish.

Original poster
Spectacular2 · 11/10/2016 14:54

I have read so much on here lately about peoples dh leaving for OW and people on here say the same as my friends did; 'he'll come back, he's miserable with OW, it won't last, he'll realise he's made a mistake', he'll realise what a twat OW is etc etc' it all seems to plausible.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 11/10/2016 15:01

Oh OP. I know just how hard it is to let this stuff go. I suspect everyone who's lost someone they love finds it hard to let go. I know I did.

But really, it's high high time you did now.

Only two people are suffering because of your continued bitterness and jealousy, and that's you and your DS

Arfarfanarf · 11/10/2016 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chiquita1 · 11/10/2016 15:02

I understand the anger and the hate (lets be honest) that you feel because of being left. The thing is that you are directing this to her when in reality she didnt owe you anything, HE did. But at the same time he seems like a very decent man for what you have said, and after admitting you tricked him I am afraid you dont have a leg to stand on. Anyway, I want to tell you I understand how you feel.

NNChangeAgain · 11/10/2016 15:03

OP I agree with lying. I hope your ex has managed to find a way of supporting his DS with the conflict he undoubtedly feels and that your jealously and bitterness has not become "the elephant in the room" that they do not talk about during their time together.

As I said, my DHs ex is like you. Their DCs are totally screwed up. Their now adult daughter has gone off the rails - drinking, shoplifting, risky behaviour.

DH goes along with the limitations that his exW dictates with their DS (just as you are dictating about your own DS) but now their DS is older, he knows that his Mum is being unreasonable. He knows she is behaving badly. And he knows that one day, he'll have to make a choice - to do what he wants to do, and upset his mum, or carry on going along with what his Mum wants at the expense of his relationship with his dad.

There are a number of us on MN who are married to men whose exWives are like you. When we post about the situation, we are rarely believed. Noone thinks that anyone could actually be that lacking in self awareness.
My DH was sexually assaulted by his ex in front of the DCs when he dropped them off - she said that she thought if she kissed him again, he'd realise what a fool he'd been. And then she was upset when he said he wouldn't go to her home anymore.

Yet society sympathises with women like you. It has done you absolutely no favours. You, and women like you, are lucky that you have not been subject to criminal proceedings. If you were a man conducting himself this way towards a women, you would have been.

sianihedgehog · 11/10/2016 15:07

Agree with the others. He is clearly never going to go back to you. Even if his new wife dropped dead he would not be coming back. That is never going to happen. It's been YEARS, he has a new family, and a new child, and you've behaved abominably and are STILL DOING SO.

I am honestly gobsmacked that anyone would think it was remotely okay to prevent their son having a holiday because they once planned to take him on holiday with their ex. For God's sakes, if you want to take him on holiday yourself just book a cheap weekend in Spain.

PeppaAteMySoul · 11/10/2016 15:07

I'm sorry OP I know it must hurt but you can't cling onto the idea that he will come back. He's gone and he's happy with his choices. You deserve better anyway- don't you think you deserve someone who actually loves you?

And I get it's hard but you need to put your son first. Him having a good relationship with his father and step mother is so important. You need to facilitate that. That means no bad mouthing the OW, letting him go on holiday if you know he will be cared for and allowing contact.

To be harsh this woman hasn't stolen your life. You say he never loved you. You say you tricked him into staying by getting pregnant on purpose. That was never a good relationship to be in. For your boy you need to move on. Think about having to share graduations, weddings, christenings etc with this woman and your husband when you feel this full of hate and bitterness. Try counselling again.

NNChangeAgain · 11/10/2016 15:08

OW was def the OW, when he left he told me that he had fallen in love with her. He denied that anything had happened between them but I can't believe that

Your judgement is impaired - what you believe is not an accurate reflection of reality.

You believe you'd be a better wife to him, and you believe that if he would only talk to you, he'd fall in love with you all over again. You also believe that you have not behaved badly towards your DS.

Your ex may have had an affair, but given his behaviour both at the time and since, it's more likely that he did the honourable thing and told you that he was in love with someone else, and ended your marriage before embarking on a relationship with her.

phillipp · 11/10/2016 15:25

I agree, my friends / colleagues etc have told me on numerous times that he will come crawling back / is a fool / doesn’t know what he is missing etc.

They probably were trying to make you feel better. But just because they said it, it doesn't make it true. Holding on to what someone else said is madness.

You brought your son into this. By telling him it was the OW fault. If you dh was still with you, he still wouldn't love you. Banning you dh from taking him away is awful. If it was because you were concerned your dh couldn't look after him, fair enough. But you are still punishing your ex and your son. And you wonder why he won't interact with you?

You are putting yourself first. You put yourself first when you got pregnant. You put yourself in front of your son.

I think you are lucky, you ex hasn't gone for residency.

She didn't steal anything. I genuinely think he didn't do anything with her, but I don't know him. You knew he didn't love you so got pregnant because you knew he would do the right thing and stay. You expect him to stay in contact with you (despite what you have done) because it's the right thing. It sounds like you are so used to him doing what you think is the 'right' thing by you, you can't handle it.

Generally on MN it's not 'oh don't worry he will come back, she is a twat' it's 'forget the OW, he fucked you over. If it doesn't work out and he tries to come back tell him to fuck off'.

I have never seen anyone reassure a women her dh will come back.

You are in danger of losing your son. When he gets to an age where he can choose where he lives, you may find he find he doesn't choose you. You have chosen to put you first, not him.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 11/10/2016 15:25

Poor kid

PatriciaHolm · 11/10/2016 15:27

He's not going to fall in love with you again. He was never in love with you in the first place.

I'm beginning to think this might be a reverse, OP is so unreasonable.

NNChangeAgain · 11/10/2016 15:36

I'm beginning to think this might be a reverse, OP is so unreasonable.

See, that's the problem I was referring to upthread. No one believe it. Unless you've actually experienced this first hand, it's almost impossible to accept that it is true.

It's often said that there is a "script" that cheating men follow, but this post reads as a script to me; the OP is using the same words, and justifications, as my DHs ex does.

There really are women out there who are this unreasonable. Who think it's OK to "put their foot down" and prevent their DC from having an equal relationship with their other parent for no reason other than as a reaction to their own feelings. Who believe that they are the wronged party, which in turn justifies any poor conduct on their own part. Who only hear those people who reinforce their own feelings, ignoring or cutting off those who suggest a different course of action.

I have no doubt that the OP is genuine and honest.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 11/10/2016 15:37

I'm beginning to have my doubts here.... The OP has not taken a single point onboard and is saying the same thing over and over again. I'm off.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2016 15:38

You know, I think I understand why your exH is keeping away from you. With the best will in the world, he is trying not to give you false hope - from everything you've said here, if he gave you even the smallest attention/kindness, you would leap on it and assume it meant that he was regretting his decision, that he'd be back soon and that his current wife would soon be in your situation.

He doesn't want you to think that. He's not giving you that inch, because he suspects you'd take the mile (and I guess he'd be right) - and that would make everything SO MUCH HARDER than it already is, because he'd be re-opening barely healed (if at all) wounds, when he DIDN'T come back to you.

He's doing you a favour by keeping you at extreme arm's length - you just can't see it. All the time you're still in love/obsessed with him, you can NOT be friends - you'll always be hoping for/expecting more than he can give you.

The reason his current wife and her ex get on so much better is because she HAS moved on, she's married someone else (and he might have too) and it's "safe" for them to be friends, because there is no yearning for more on either side.

There is no safety for him in being friendly with you.

I feel very sad and sorry for you, but you must get over him and move on - and then you'll no longer need the crumbs of attention from your ex.

Original poster
Spectacular2 · 11/10/2016 15:40

I am really hurt that people don;t think I care about my son. I have tried to do whats best by him the whole time. I know I need to move on, I really do. i thought this would be a safe place to vent and get advice. I do have a great relationship with him, as does exdh.

A previous poster hit the nail on the head, I am used to exdh doing the right thing all the time, he is a good guy and has always done the right thing his whole life. This is all so out of character for him.

I know I have done some not nice things but I have tried to make it up to exdh.

Everyone was so adament that exdh would come back I guess i clung to that hope.

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 11/10/2016 15:41

You "genuinely believe" he would still be with you if it weren't for the "OW", but you have no evidence supporting this belief. I don't doubt you do believe it, but the sincerity of your belief is irrelevant.

If you are only half as controlling and abusive as you appear on this thread it's no surprise he left you.

We obviously don't know everything (and it's possible you're just a sociopath and I'm wasting my time) but I'm assuming here you are a very damaged individual who needs proper support. Please get help.

PatriciaHolm · 11/10/2016 15:45

He's still doing the right thing. You are just too irrational to see it.

Sorry if I came across as belittling your experience NN; I can believe such women exist, just not sure they would be posting like this on here! It seemed to me to be as if the new wife might be searching for backup that she's not going insane and that the exWife really is batshit.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/10/2016 15:46

Spectacular - read my post again - I believe his behaviour IS still him "doing the right thing", by trying NOT to give you false hope. You just need to recognise it for what it is.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 11/10/2016 15:48

A previous poster hit the nail on the head, I am used to exdh doing the right thing all the time, he is a good guy and has always done the right thing his whole life. This is all so out of character for him.

But OP, what is the right thing? Would the right thing have been to stay with the you despite not loving you? Or was the right thing to be honest with you?

Are you able to see things from his perspective at all?

Arfarfanarf · 11/10/2016 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millionreasons · 11/10/2016 16:05

Well it was daft for your friends to give you false hope by saying he would come crawling back etc. although they were probably well meaning.

I understand you clung on to that hope BUT he has been married to someone else for 5 years. It's not going to happen now.

PeppaAteMySoul · 11/10/2016 16:10

OP you really aren't doing the right thing for your son right now. You doing the right thing is trying hardest to accept your ex and his wife's relationship. The right thing is allowing holidays and contact even when you think it's going to rip your heart in two. How you are behaving now is selfish.

Stormtreader · 11/10/2016 16:11

"I have read so much on here lately about peoples dh leaving for OW and people on here say the same as my friends did; 'he'll come back, he's miserable with OW, it won't last, he'll realise he's made a mistake', he'll realise what a twat OW is etc etc' it all seems to plausible."

Really? Most relationship threads I've seen have all said "you're better off without him, if he doesnt want to be with you then he wasnt right for you anyway, make a better life for yourself."

Its been 5 years, hes moved out, moved in with her, married her, theyve had a child. If he thought he'd made a mistake, he would have said so 5 years ago. You cant spend your life being the person who looks through restaurant windows at other people living, and you certainly shouldnt make your son stand alongside you! It feels like youre preventing him going on holiday because youre trying to use it as a crowbar to FORCE your ex to take you on holiday if he wants to take him, so that you can all play at being a family again, and thats just never going to happen, not ever.