Will I ever get over exdh leaving me for OW?

[Spectacular2]

This is my first post but I have been watching these forums and can see that there are a lot of ladies possibly in the same boat as me.

I have been divorced from exdh for nearly 6 years now and I still can’t get over that he left me for OW.

We were together for 13 years and married for 3 and he truly was the best husband in the world, I idolised him. I thought I had it all, he was kind, funny, clever and handsome and had a lovely family who welcomed me into their family unit. His mum was like a mum to me as I lost mine to a long standing illness when we had been together 3 years. Looking back now I can see that he wasn’t as into me as I was to him and he later admitted that he had been pressured into marrying me, I always felt like he cared for me, but wasn’t in love with me. After we married he seemed reluctant to start a family with me and I know I shouldn’t have tricked him but I ‘fell pregnant by accident’. He seemed happy and loved our ds to bits. I felt like I could make it work.

One day he came home from work and sat me down and told me he was sorry and that he didn’t love me, had never loved me and that he was leaving. And that was that. He left and moved in with his parents. I later found out he had left to be with OW.

I was broken, he was my life and gave me all the security I wanted. That was six years ago and I still can’t move on. I have been to counselling twice and was on anti-depressants for a good 18 months after he left. I am ashamed to admit that I still want him back and pine for him.

I hate that he seems to care so little for me now, I don’t even get a card on my birthday or xmas. I don’t even get to see him to be friendly with him as he had his contact order changed when ds went to school so that he picks ds up from school on a fri night and drops him at school mon morning every other weekend he has him. Its like he wants to forget I even exist.

I feel like a fool. I am nearly 41 for gods sake and still can’t move on. I did try online dating for a year or two to try and get over him but the guys on there were awful!

The relationship with your ex and his mother, is the way it is because if your behaviour.

Quite honestly, after the things you did, he was right to cut you off.

Him still being a big part of your life isn't going to help you. And it's not making his life better.

You are convinced he would come back if he spent time with you. He wouldn't. If he was spending time with you, it would feed your delusion even more.

Stopping him seeing his son out of spite was awful. I know you regret it.m, I know you are sorry. But I couldn't forgive dh if he did that to me. I also couldn't forgive him for putting his feelings and need for revenge above what's best for the kids.

Sometimes we do things that are bad, it doesn't make us a bad people. We may regret it, we may be desperately sorry. However these things an change the relationships we have. That's what's happened with you and your ex mil. Your actions have forever changed the relationship.

I feel like I am being punished by him not being friendly with me. How can someone treat the mother of their firstborn child like that?

He doesn't need to be friendly with you. He doesn't want to be friendly with you. It is your son that is important - not you.

You do not deserve special treatment because you are the mother of his firstborn child. You have no special status. You are his ex-wife. Other than supporting his child he has no obligations towards you.

You just don't get it do you? I feel sad for you. The fact that he left you for another woman and isn't interested in you anymore doesn't make you an unworthy or unlovable person (though if you carry on with this mentality I doubt very much that you will find a partner that meets your unrealistic expectations).

I do know for sure that he left her for me, he pretty much told me that he had fallen in love with someone else, although I know they didn't get together until properly until about 5/6 months after he left.

So he didn't have an affair? He fell for someone else and ended his marriage to you before starting a relationship with her.

I thought that might be the case.

Your words are almost identical to the words my DHs ex uses. She terrifies me - like you, she has used their DCs as a way of getting back at him, she has denied reality, lied in court, publicly humiliated me.

I need to step away from this thread - your unwillingness to accept the impact of your behaviour on others is too difficult for me to see.

Dear OP you must get help.

I can see that you think that stopping your exH from seeing your DS and putting nail polish on his wife's car etc. (I'm ignoring the etc.) was somehow excusable because you were wronged. It wasn't, and your exH has sensibly cut you out of his life.

Presumably his wife and her ex have behaved like adults, and have preserved a functional relationship, but for you that ship has sailed.

You need to find a way to stop the self-pity. 41 is not old. I got together with my DH at 47. My friend, a single mum of 40, is getting married next year.

'I once saw them in a restaurant with their ds and I know from ds that they often all hang out with his new wife and her dd's. I would love a relationship with exdh like that.

Unfortunately, this won't happen anytime soon until you are completely over for your EXDH and fully accept the situation.

How long did you have counselling? 6 weeks here or there is as much use as a plaster to a broken leg. You need to do it for the long haul.

I don't know if your friends saying ' he will come crawling back' set you up for unrealistic expectations? Because he's not coming back, you wouldn't make a better wife, you are proper ex wife status. Your behaviour since the split has ensured he will not want to have any relationship with you at all. You are lucky you weren't prosecuted.

Your thinking around this is very disordered and you need professional help. Look for a therapist on BACP - many offer a sliding fee scale, just ask if money is tight.

He won't answer your emails bcs he is probably afraid you have set another manipulative trap.

I hope you aren't influencing ds against him /them? Please say you aren't.

I feel for you. You are wasting your life pinning it on a fantasy. The power is with YOU to get your life on a healthy, fulfilling track. But you will need professional help to find it. Once you do find it, run with it!

Unfortunately, this won't happen anytime soon until you are completely over for your EXDH and fully accept the situation.

I think that ship has sailed, tbh - no matter whether the OP 'gets over it' or how much she tries to make amends, her exs DW should not be expected to tolerate her in their life, given how she has conducted herself. How could she ever trust the OP?

An apology does not delete history, and forgiveness does not mean that you must welcome them into your life.

I hope you aren't influencing ds against him /them? Please say you aren't.

My DHs ex is adamant that she doesn't do this.
CAFCASS and the courts think differently. Unfortunately, the law is limited as to how children can be protected.

My ExH cheated on me and were together 15 years!
I met someone else when I was 42!
You are not old and past it.
You have a lot of life to live.
But you will never live it fully while you are so fixated on this.
You've done some things that do make you sound deranged.
But that was then and this is now.
As others have said. None of this is normal. Not after 6 years.
Get back to counselling.
Get out and about.
Find a hobby you can do.
meetup.com is a good site. Look what there is locally to you.

I think that you should get some counselling but not about your husband leaving you - but about the loss of your mum, your parents, because I think that's the key to it all. This overwhelming need to be part of somebody else's family, to crave it so much. This is because there's a hole in your left that your MUM left, not your husband. That's what I think anyway.

I was going to say this OP, exactly this. I lost my mum in my 20s too. I quickly replaced her with a husband, but it turned out (unsurprisingly) that he wasn't the family I was craving. Grief hit me late, and it hit me hard.

To me you really do sound like a child, confused and in disbelief because how could your family abandon you? They were supposed to look after you, regardless of anything else, regardless of who your dh loved, who else was going to look after you? Just like a child. It's like you're transferring that onto your exh and his family because it's easier to focus it on people still with us; you can't be angry at your mother for leaving you, and you can't make-believe that you could be a family with her again... perhaps you never really got to be... but you can make-believe it with your ex.

I have only one suggestion (bar the usual "talk to a professional"), and it's completely off the wall. Visit local elderly neighbours. Help them with the housework. Chat for a while. Pop in regularly. Do an hour a week in a home for the elderly or those with dementia. Or are animals your thing? Perhaps a rescue centre? Perhaps this is terrible advice - some might find it condescending - or perhaps it's just bizarre, but something tells me who could find it healing. And if you really do what to heal you're going to have to try and fill that whole in your heart; a man ain't going to cut it.

*do WANT to heal, not what

I don't think "talking to a professional" should be dismissed. If you had broken your leg you would "talk to a professional".

Those of us who has "talked to a professional" about emotional /psychological ' breaks' know how powerful, life -changing and vital it is in the right circumstances.

Op craves family security is my guess. Visiting old people isn't going to provide that, valuable tho it can be.

I also think he’s maybe behaved as well as anyone could in his situation.

From what you’ve said, he stayed with you, although he didn’t love you, for the sake of your child, to try and build a relationship. He met someone he did have feelings for, and then didn’t have an affair behind your back, but instead ended your relationship, waited for a while, and then moved on with his new wife. Since then he has continued to support your child financially and emotionally. I honestly am not sure what more he can be expected to do.

What he isn’t obliged to do is maintain a relationship with you, especially when by your own admission you have treated him very badly. That isn’t poor behaviour on his part; it’s him sensibly maintaining boundaries to protect himself and his family (his wife, his DD) from someone who has previous form for behaving aggressively and scarily.

This is life and it’s painful and difficult but it is what it is. I think what you need is to look for fulfilment somewhere else entirely. Accept he’s gone. He’s never coming back. That part of your life is over. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a future elsewhere. Definitely find a hobby, or maybe a volunteering opportunity. Join a class. Start building a life for yourself away from him. Think about what makes you happy? Do you like knitting? Gardening? Maybe art? There is a space for you out in the world, but you definitely need to get some space.

Counselling may or may not help – I think in your case it probably will. UKCP has a list of counsellors in your area and they may well be more affordable than you think. I’d honestly consider something like systemic family therapy – look at the AFT website for more details. I think that many of your feelings about family and abandonment might benefit from the approach they take.

Good luck.

I don't think "talking to a professional" should be dismissed.

If you're talking to me springy I didn't dismiss it; I considered myself to be adding to it, as it had (rightly) already been said and acknowledged.

Op craves family security is my guess. Visiting old people isn't going to provide that

I offered that strange piece of advice as in my experience I found I gained something completely unexpected from it myself. I'm sure it's no golden sticking-plaster, and perhaps for most it doesn't offer anything when you've lost your family, but the OP came asking for advice. Bar magicking up a ready-made family for her nothing can "provide that" as you say. My suggestion may be niche, I appreciate that, but it has helped at least one person. OP can try it if she feels it offers something to her.

I once saw them in a restaurant with their ds and I know from ds that they often all hang out with his new wife and her dd's. I would love a relationship with exdh like that

Did her ex husband ban her from seeing their child? Did she ban him?

Did the ex husband deface your ex's car?

Does the ex-husband insist on making out she had an affair?

Does her ex-husband still have a fantasy that they will get back together? Does he go out with her assuming she will go back to him?

OP... You said you were sad that your ex husband has a good relationship with your son and that it would be easier for you if he wasn't and was just horrible all round... that is shocking to read. How can any mum wish that on her children?

You sound obsessive and completely unreasonable in everything that you say here. I think you've touched on the milder bits of behaviour towards your ex husband and his WIFE - what else did you actually do? What was the extent of it?

What you've already admitted to is quite enough to ensure that you have no relationship or any kind of friendship with your ex husband. I imagine that his whole family - ex-MIL included - is keeping as you as arms length as they possibly can because how on earth could you be allowed any closer? You'd be plotting and planning and scheming some very underhand things and nobody can trust you.

Be a good mum to your son and put him first. His needs come before your hurt feelings. You need some very prompt and effective professional help and I think your first step should be to your GP to explain exactly what's been going on.

You need to learn how to be happy on your own. You need to date yourself, literally date yourself. Spend time on your own getting to know who you are as an individual and not what you can get and give to others. Take yourself out and about alone to discover what u like and don't like. Sit quietly by yourself and think about your good attributes, don't dwell on mistakes you've made, that's done and it's time you forgive yourself for them. You'll never be truly fulfilled and happy with anyone until u can be truly happy just being with you. You're not old or past it, your independent life has started and let me tell u it's an amazing feeling when you've come out the other side of a bad situation and can say to yourself " that was my old life, that chapter is closed now and this chapter is finally about me just being me and learning about myself".

I was kept as a stand-in for years until something better came along for ex bf, when it did, he walked away from me and our child. It took me 2 years to accept it and say farewell to that life. Now I'm the happiest I've ever been, I got to know me and what I want and now I'll never settle and I'll never ignore those red flags again. It's just me and my little one and if I stay single for the next 20 years then so be it bc I'm comfortable on my own and u can be too if u just take a big step bk and find your happiness alone. Best of luck, trust me, I know your pain.

I have had some counselling, I had six months of it after my mum died, six months of it after exdh left me and then another year of it after exdh got married – it hit me hard. He married her after only 4 months of us being divorced! It broke me and set me back.

I agree, my friends / colleagues etc have told me on numerous times that he will come crawling back / is a fool / doesn’t know what he is missing etc. Everyone said that it wouldn’t last with OW so I guess I kind of hoped that would be true.

I have tried very hard not to say a bad word about exdh or OW to ds, although in the early years I very openly blames OW for our marriage split and told ds that she was the reason daddy no longer lived with us. I truly believe that if she hadn’t come along he would still be here. I realise this was wrong and now I just wish him a nice time when he goes to their house. I still find it painful to hear about the things they have done as a family though and have put my foot done about exdh taking ds abroad for a holiday, that was our dream and I can’t bare to think of him doing that with OW and ds and not me.

You seriously did your son out of a holiday abroad because you're JEALOUS?! That is utterly vile.

Honestly, whatever counselling you've had HAS NOT HELPED. Get a different sort of therapy.

You said that to your son? That if your husband hadn't met OW (which she wasn't), he'd still be with you? You are not only deranged but abusive. If I were your ex husband, I'd be looking at full custody.

You've had plenty of time to come to terms with this - at least to the point of not making your son your sponge for your pain. You've chosen (actively chosen) not to protect him. Your poor, poor son. I can't think what else to say to you.

Just re-read about the holiday that your son will miss because you're too self-absorbed to let him go with his dad and family. How selfish of you. Be aware that you WILL be reaping the rewards of your selfishness when your son is old enough to be independent of you.

OW was def the OW, when he left he told me that he had fallen in love with her. He denied that anything had happened between them but I can't believe that. They had been working together for a year. I know they weren't offically a couple until about 5/6 months later.

When we were together exdh and I were saving for our first family holiday abroad, we'd had a rough few years of him being made redundant and me having to reduce my hours due to ds so things were tight, I had dreamed of us all going on a nice holiday like the ones exdh and I used to go on before ds came along. I want ds's first trip abroad to be with me, is that so wrong? Thats what we planned. I don't want OW doing all the things with him that I want to do.

He has given OW everything that we had planned. I feel at times she has stolen not just my dh but also my whole life.

I love my ds very much and do everything for him. He is not suffering, he is a happy and clever and sweet boy.

Agree with Arf completely. These are not good friends and they've help you delude yourself - and hurt your son in the process.

This is interesting and disturbing in equal measures for me. My DSS's mother has behaved similarly to you (and I was categorically not the OW, DH and I met a year after they separated) and I have often wondered how she justified her behaviour to herself.

What you don't realise is the affect that your behaviour will be having on your son, whether he demonstrates it right not or not. Children always understand more of what is going on that they think we do. You need to start putting what is best for him above your own feeling of jealousy and entitlement otherwise he may well vote with his feet and decide he wants to live with his father one day.