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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Scared he is going to take kids away

80 replies

Hotwaterbottle1 · 06/10/2016 21:08

Please help, I need urgent advice.

Quick background - Separated but living together, 2 kids ds 15 & dd 12. He refusing to accept its over. He made living there intolerable, causing tension, awkwardness, huffing & lately being unreasonable, shouting, following me, stalking me by phone, smashing patio doors, punching wall.
After being shouted down on Sunday to leave I did & came to my mums. 2 mins drive away. He works from 7am to approx 5pm. I have therefore gone over at 7am to get kids sorted for school. Then as part-time after work to cook their dinner, do their washing etc. Then leave before he is home. Also took dd to cinema Tuesday and had them both here for dinner tonight.
Emailed him today about various things (money we owed from his friend, Xmas present for kids, interim contact details). He replied saying won't reply until he has seen a solicitor. I replied asking what a solicitor has to do with any of it. He got back to me re money owed but nothing else. I am now terrified by leaving I have potentially caused an issue for me re access to kids. Should I go back?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 11/10/2016 21:51

Lol Emma no worries!!

Online security very tight. No chance he can access anything.

Everything is recorded and yes could get a door lock.

I deal with all the financial stuff so have access to everything.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 11/10/2016 22:45

You have to report him precisely because he is the kids dad and nothing will change unless you take dome action... he is going to blow up and for the sake of your kids you need to get him away .

cestlavielife · 11/10/2016 22:46

You have told him it is over. He doesn't accept it. He is going to explode. You or tge kids will be on the firing line. Someone will get hurt .

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2016 23:36

I don't want to do this to him as the kids dad.

You aren't doing anything to him 'as the kids' dad'. Whatever it is you think you are 'doing', you're doing to an abusive husband. And even if that abuse is focused only on you, it is still affecting your children much more than divorcing him will.

tipsytrifle · 12/10/2016 00:11

Sadly, because I never realised how things worked (my naivete was infinite back then, before MN) so when the judge at a super-early hearing stated that whoever left, the child should remain in the family home, the die was cast and limits caged me.

It sounds like you aren't as financially screwed as I was back then. I paid for the entire family and debts, he - it turns out - had 10k savings as a result - meaning the solicitor I got really wasn't pumping iron on my side, his was top notch and he moved fast to get things rolling.

You have power where I didn't and have done the right thing by moving back into Hell. BUT you need to get legal stuff rolling NOW. My deepest sympathy, empathy and support to you. Be a warrior now.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 07:14

"I don't want to do this to him as the kids dad."

He clearly doesn't care about what he's doing to you as the mother of his children. If you report him, that's a natural consequence of his abuse - it's nothing you're doing to him. You have to report him in order to protect yourself and your children. If you don't you're allowing him to abuse you, get away with it, and most likely screw you over legally and financially.

"His behaviour is so out of character & I know several people have now spoken to him about it and he seems genuinely mortified and sorry."

Don't fall into the common trap of believing his behaviour is out of character because it's what you want to believe. Don't fall into the common trap of allowing people who have been persuaded by him to persuade you in turn that he's sorry. If he was "genuinely mortified and sorry" he would be apologising to you, moving out to give you space, and calling the Respect Helpline for advice on changing his abusive behaviour.

I'm willing to bet he's not doing any of things...

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 12/10/2016 07:51

I take all this on board. I'm just really scared of calling the police, the kids will know. How do I shield them?

He has apologised, nowhere to go if he moved out, I will find the respect helpline & send him the link. I've not heard of it.

When he apologised he did say if I do anything again phone the police but I don't intend to.

This is so tough. This is the kind man I've known for 25 years & it's not easy thinking I have to phone the police on him.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 07:56

You shield them by calling the police.
You seem to have convinced yourself that the police are the bad guys and your partner is the good guy, but it's the other way around.
You don't have to wait until he is violent before calling the police, by the way. You can call the non-emergency police number and report past incidence of abuse (physical and emotional). You could probably do that without the children knowing.

Here's the Respect helpline:
www.respectphoneline.org.uk
Has he admitted to being abusive?? I can't imagine him calling the helpline unless he has.

OddBoots · 12/10/2016 08:07

If the children have been there for any of his bad behaviour then it would be a good thing for them to know the police are involved, they need to know a) that you are trying to protect them and b) that his behaviour is not acceptable - the police are the answer to both of these things. Even if they have not been there they are old enough that they will know something is going on.

cestlavielife · 12/10/2016 09:41

he is not a kind man now is he?
"shouting, following me, stalking me by phone, smashing patio doors, punching wall."
if you genuinely think he has had a personality transplant/got a brain tumour/etc then all more reason to report him so he gets the help he needs.
doing nothing and failing to protect yourself and the kids gets you nowhere and sets you up to be injured or hurt. the fist going to the wall could easily hit a person who gets in the way..

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 12/10/2016 10:18

Please please report him. I never did until recently because I was scared of doing that 'to the kids father' but because I didn't have those early reports I can't get the help I and the kids need now. And he has used that fear against me so many times. To his advantage and has hurt the kids so much in the process. I just wish I could turn back the clock...
He is abusing you and hurting his kids. HE is, not you. By reporting him you are protecting them. You are showing them that this behaviour is not ok for you or for them. You are forming that protective barrier around you. The GP is also a good idea but please call the police.

AstrantiaMallow · 12/10/2016 10:54

As pp says, imo by not reporting his violence you are leaving yourself in a much weaker position. The GP won't be enough, sorry.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 12/10/2016 10:55

Can I contact the police & just have it logged but not contact him?

OP posts:
Unicornsandrainbows3 · 12/10/2016 11:30

You mean have the police not contact him? I believe that would be up to them, from what i understand. And honestly they should be acting. Just having it logged won't protect you or your children. I know you're scared, I really do but please try and put that aside and act protectively for yourself and children.

cestlavielife · 12/10/2016 12:01

Speak to the police. Ask to speak to a dv Officer. Ask for a tag on your phone so if you call 999 they know you at risk. Police will decide if they need to talk with your h or not. They may just record it and do nothing at this stage.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 12:30

TBH the fact that you are worried about the police contacting him if you report the abuse says it all. It shows that you're scared of him and his reaction. If you ask the police to talk to a DVA officer, they will be able to advise you about next steps and how to stay safe.

If you have any concerns about talking to the police, I suggest you call Women's Aid first for advice and reassurance.

But you do need to report it, for all the reasons I and others have given.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 12/10/2016 19:48

Im still struggling to do this but have found my local women's aid have a drop in session on Friday so I'm going to go and take it from there.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 12/10/2016 20:12

Fantastic, well done for looking it up. Hope your visit is helpful, I'll be thinking of you and looking out for an update about how you got on.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 12/10/2016 21:07

Thanks Emma, I will

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 14/10/2016 12:35

Women's aid were brilliant. They have logged everything for me. They said it's ok not to log with police right now as they have all the details & the police could access that if I called them. Given me some good ideas & a panic alarm. Validated my fears. I will 100% call the police & get him removed from the home if one more incident occurs. Women's aid thought this was fair.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2016 12:55

Oh, I'm so glad!!! It's validation that you are right and it absolutely is fair! No one, but no one, has the right to frighten or hurt someone else. Especially someone they supposedly 'love'. Love doesn't work like that.

NameChange30 · 14/10/2016 17:58

I'm so glad Women's Aid were brilliant. Well done for going to see them. Smile

faisal880hype7286 · 07/10/2022 08:20

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alternating · 07/10/2022 08:23

Not with those pics, love. Looks like you could use an ointment of some sort.

Kylie83 · 07/10/2022 08:23

I've reported it just hope they are fast haha.