Scared he is going to take kids away

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Please help, I need urgent advice.

Quick background - Separated but living together, 2 kids ds 15 & dd 12. He refusing to accept its over. He made living there intolerable, causing tension, awkwardness, huffing & lately being unreasonable, shouting, following me, stalking me by phone, smashing patio doors, punching wall.
After being shouted down on Sunday to leave I did & came to my mums. 2 mins drive away. He works from 7am to approx 5pm. I have therefore gone over at 7am to get kids sorted for school. Then as part-time after work to cook their dinner, do their washing etc. Then leave before he is home. Also took dd to cinema Tuesday and had them both here for dinner tonight.
Emailed him today about various things (money we owed from his friend, Xmas present for kids, interim contact details). He replied saying won't reply until he has seen a solicitor. I replied asking what a solicitor has to do with any of it. He got back to me re money owed but nothing else. I am now terrified by leaving I have potentially caused an issue for me re access to kids. Should I go back?

[Gardener4]

I left my family home recently and moved in with my mum and dad because the emotional abuse if my ex husband was making me mentally ill.
I told my husband when I would be expecting to have my children at my house Wednesday until Sunday and I just took them at that time.
I randomly would call in the house to collect items etc.
I am mentally better every day. Staying would not have been an option. Log everything and get in touch with your local domestic abuse charity who will advise you. Don't stay in the same space as an abusive man emotionally or physically. Put in an order through a solicitor to get shared custody.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Sorry just realised Zombie thread.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

I don't want to go to court

You don't have any choice about that. You need to see a solicitor ASAP and be warned he may change the locks. I think you moving out was a big mistake. Can you move back in today? Even if unpleasant.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

THIS IS A SIX YEAR OLD ZOMBIE THREAD THAT WAS REACTIVATED BY A SPAM POST.

[DixonD]

@Hotwaterbottle1

I moved in late last night.
He refuses to move out and says he refuses to let me take kids.
He started within minutes of accusing me of leaving him for someone else. I'm not. I have casually seen someone though (since separated) & told him that last week after him shouting at me.
He says this is kids home and he staying here. He won't listen to reason that if he pursues this then we will be forced to sell it.
It has no completion certificate, work still needs done to finish extension. Selling now we would lose £50-60k.
He is coordinating & finishing work, I have no way of finding out what's still to be done.
Found a drop in cab so going for 9.30.

Well, was it your decision to separate?

I think that the person who leads the separation should be the one who moves out. I personally think it’s cruel to decide to leave your partner and then expect them to lose their home too.

If you choose to separate, you choose to go.

[Kylie83]

I've reported it just hope they are fast haha.

[alternating]

Not with those pics, love. Looks like you could use an ointment of some sort.

[NameChange30]

I'm so glad Women's Aid were brilliant. Well done for going to see them.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh, I'm so glad!!! It's validation that you are right and it absolutely is fair! No one, but no one, has the right to frighten or hurt someone else. Especially someone they supposedly 'love'. Love doesn't work like that.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Women's aid were brilliant. They have logged everything for me. They said it's ok not to log with police right now as they have all the details & the police could access that if I called them. Given me some good ideas & a panic alarm. Validated my fears. I will 100% call the police & get him removed from the home if one more incident occurs. Women's aid thought this was fair.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Thanks Emma, I will

[NameChange30]

Fantastic, well done for looking it up. Hope your visit is helpful, I'll be thinking of you and looking out for an update about how you got on.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Im still struggling to do this but have found my local women's aid have a drop in session on Friday so I'm going to go and take it from there.

[NameChange30]

TBH the fact that you are worried about the police contacting him if you report the abuse says it all. It shows that you're scared of him and his reaction. If you ask the police to talk to a DVA officer, they will be able to advise you about next steps and how to stay safe.

If you have any concerns about talking to the police, I suggest you call Women's Aid first for advice and reassurance.

But you do need to report it, for all the reasons I and others have given.

[cestlavielife]

Speak to the police. Ask to speak to a dv Officer. Ask for a tag on your phone so if you call 999 they know you at risk. Police will decide if they need to talk with your h or not. They may just record it and do nothing at this stage.

[Unicornsandrainbows3]

You mean have the police not contact him? I believe that would be up to them, from what i understand. And honestly they should be acting. Just having it logged won't protect you or your children. I know you're scared, I really do but please try and put that aside and act protectively for yourself and children.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

Can I contact the police & just have it logged but not contact him?

[AstrantiaMallow]

As pp says, imo by not reporting his violence you are leaving yourself in a much weaker position. The GP won't be enough, sorry.

[Unicornsandrainbows3]

Please please report him. I never did until recently because I was scared of doing that 'to the kids father' but because I didn't have those early reports I can't get the help I and the kids need now. And he has used that fear against me so many times. To his advantage and has hurt the kids so much in the process. I just wish I could turn back the clock...
He is abusing you and hurting his kids. HE is, not you. By reporting him you are protecting them. You are showing them that this behaviour is not ok for you or for them. You are forming that protective barrier around you. The GP is also a good idea but please call the police.

[cestlavielife]

he is not a kind man now is he?
"shouting, following me, stalking me by phone, smashing patio doors, punching wall."
if you genuinely think he has had a personality transplant/got a brain tumour/etc then all more reason to report him so he gets the help he needs.
doing nothing and failing to protect yourself and the kids gets you nowhere and sets you up to be injured or hurt. the fist going to the wall could easily hit a person who gets in the way..

[OddBoots]

If the children have been there for any of his bad behaviour then it would be a good thing for them to know the police are involved, they need to know a) that you are trying to protect them and b) that his behaviour is not acceptable - the police are the answer to both of these things. Even if they have not been there they are old enough that they will know something is going on.

[NameChange30]

You shield them by calling the police.
You seem to have convinced yourself that the police are the bad guys and your partner is the good guy, but it's the other way around.
You don't have to wait until he is violent before calling the police, by the way. You can call the non-emergency police number and report past incidence of abuse (physical and emotional). You could probably do that without the children knowing.

Here's the Respect helpline:
//www.respectphoneline.org.uk
Has he admitted to being abusive?? I can't imagine him calling the helpline unless he has.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

I take all this on board. I'm just really scared of calling the police, the kids will know. How do I shield them?

He has apologised, nowhere to go if he moved out, I will find the respect helpline & send him the link. I've not heard of it.

When he apologised he did say if I do anything again phone the police but I don't intend to.

This is so tough. This is the kind man I've known for 25 years & it's not easy thinking I have to phone the police on him.

[NameChange30]

"I don't want to do this to him as the kids dad."

He clearly doesn't care about what he's doing to you as the mother of his children. If you report him, that's a natural consequence of his abuse - it's nothing you're doing to him. You have to report him in order to protect yourself and your children. If you don't you're allowing him to abuse you, get away with it, and most likely screw you over legally and financially.

"His behaviour is so out of character & I know several people have now spoken to him about it and he seems genuinely mortified and sorry."

Don't fall into the common trap of believing his behaviour is out of character because it's what you want to believe. Don't fall into the common trap of allowing people who have been persuaded by him to persuade you in turn that he's sorry. If he was "genuinely mortified and sorry" he would be apologising to you, moving out to give you space, and calling the Respect Helpline for advice on changing his abusive behaviour.

I'm willing to bet he's not doing any of things...