tipsytrifle - To be fair to her I do trust her with the kids on her own. Sure she is maybe not the most comitial towards them and not the most natural of mothers to them but she would never do them harm. For the first two years of our first child's life I was still in the forces. Due to the nature of my work and turbulent international climate at the time I was only at home 8 months of the first two years. The operational tempo was mad at the time and I was always being sent away. Missed the both so much. That's why I left forces because at the end of the day I needed to put my family before my military career. So my ex was effectively a single mother for over a year. My daughter was fine, healthy and happy. In fact she has never had the will power to stop smoking, except when she has been pregnant. So she did love them enough to do that for them, I know that was very hard for her. She had never done drugs (I honestly believe that of her). That's another thing that surprises me about the man she went for as she was very anti drug. I have a good knowledge and experience of the signs, smells and behaviour of the use of weed. It is of course something I watch out for knowing her exposer to its supply and her current mental state. But as of yet no indications of her using it and I very much doubt she will. To be fair from what I can tell she genuinely doesn't want to be with him anymore as he treats her like shit but she has run out of places to go. Well apart from her parents (who keep offering) but she is too stubborn for that (her stubbornness is very much part of her).
She wont be a third kid on holiday. I know she will be more a help than a hinderence and maximise the activities we can get upto. I know what you mean about creating a confusing image of a family that is not. I not know going forward how things will work out with regards to joint events/activities with the kids. But I will make it clear to the kids as they grow up that we are not to together or a family but that doesn't mean that mummy and daddy cant share in the some of the good times with you at the same time because we love you and we can be decent human being to each other. But of course a lot depends of her and how things plan out in the future.
madgingermunchkin and SandyY2K- Thanks for your kind words. It is difficult to get the balance right. I am looking more to me and the kids needs now and not them of my ex apart from her needs as a mother. Unfortunately a lot of my energy is taken up also protecting us. Now things have calmed down and I hopefully understand a bit more I don't think she is out there to purposely do me harm or cause me problems. But I still need to defend against the whirlwind of her chaotic life affecting ours. So far she has had a few big mad plans that have got me worried but they never turn into anything. My secret nick name for her is Captain Chaos. All I can do is my best for me and the kids and I will keep doing that. I know my way of thinking is not the normal way of handling things but hopefully it works for us.
WittyCakeMeister - thanks for sharing your experience on this. You definitely has some interesting insight. I don't hate the woman she is now as you can probably tell. I worry about and I feel very sad for her. But this thread has helped me to understand that I need to focus on what me and the kids need, not her (although some of these need are interlinked). So it is still important to me that she pulls through and sorts her life out, but that is for her to do not me.
I know very well she is a complex woman with her own issues and demons. I knew this before I married her. She was always a hand full with a fiery temperament. Even when I asked her dad if I could marry her he warned me 'you know what she's like'? I said yes she's difficult but I love her more than anything. He was over moon. So yes I am the mad one for marrying a complex woman in the first place, but I was true love and that's what mattered to me. She knew her faults too I guess. There were a couple of times when she would say very genuinely and seriously to me would you not be happier with someone else. Almost on a sort of downer that she didn't deserve me. Normally after she'd been giving me a hard time for a while and had changed again (looking back she was a bit Jekyll and Hyde). I would the only person I want is you, I would mean that. It hurt me when she would say that because despite all her faults I loved her with all my heart. Not as hurt as the constant accusations of me cheating on her. Although I do confess some of the accusations were so far fetched and bizarre I couldn't help giggling. This would cause her to hit the roof with rage. But despite it all I loved her and knew her faults were part and parcel of her. I though as long as she loved me the same that's all we needed. So she your right she is very complex and you can care for someone like that. Maybe my term to right her off was a bit harsh and over the top. I want her to find happiness and peace but I need to redirect my energy on me and the kids not her problems.
As the kids grow up I am looking to be quiet frank and honest with them. I always think this is best way. I don't believe in feeding pleasant myths. I thing the world would be a better place if more people understood the world is not a black and white place and that people are complex and so is morality. And this is what I aim to teach the kids. So I don't aim to give them the Disney view of the world. They should know that their mum does love them and she is not bad (I don't believe she is per se). But unfortunately she is different to other people and that is why she is how she is. I am sure as they get older they will suss more and more what their mum is like. I think they will learn a lot by the way I treat their mum and talk to her.
Neverm1nd - There is no plan for a residency order. To be honest it is clear to me now she wants the kids as least as possible. She is not stupid. She knows full well that in divorce kids = money and power as is quite often stated on MN. Like I said she has never been a gold digger. She has been fair to me as soon as I asked for a divorce. She has agreed to everything I have asked, probably helped by the fact I have been more that fair and reasonable to her and the way I have acted towards her. She has signed everything I have put her way. Just need some paperwork to come back for the clean break and we are done. I must admit I will be happier once it is rubber stamped. She also asked if she could keep my surname? I said as long as its legal you do what you like. So this is not a nasty divorce that is some relief and of course partly why I am doing things like I am is to avoid such a divorce for everyone's sake.
But of course with her now nothing would surprise me so as I stated before I always have a plan B with her. We could not have a 50/50 arrangement as she lives 100 miles away. My solicitor said its fair enough not to bother about residency as the status quo is well established, the kids are very happy and settled, she is unstable and non other the family either side would support any claim to the kids. Nice of the solicitor not to try and make more money out of me for stuff we don't need. Plus I think its kind of unpleasant to try and get some sort of certificate of ownership (I know its not quite like that) when not needed, sets the wrong mood I think. We are both their parents but one she doesn't want to have the kids and two sadly I don't think she is fit to be a residential parent. I will continue to facilitate her participation in their life as much as possible. I always tell her when things are such as stuff at the school, keep her up to date on what's going on in their life's and their achievements and send her photos. I would never want anything formal and legal to stay she is the lesser parent unless necessary to defend the kids interests against a custody challenge.