ExH applying for sole custody - I'm miserable

[user1475501383]

I've been sneaking on this message board for a while and am liking it, I hope you could give me advice and opinions on this...

The beginning 'sticky' post is brilliant where it says the only amount of abuse that is acceptable is 0%. But there is one thing that has not happened in my case. It says 'no your kids won't be taken from you'. But mine has been taken away by XH, at least for the time being.

It's a long story but I'll try to be as brief as I can without leaving out too much important detail...

2 years ago I moved out because of constant disagreements with XH. He was the 'domineering' type and found it hard to accept my imperfections, so it was an ever-increasing amount of criticism, escalating to verbal and sometimes physical abuse. At the same time, he presented as TheWorld'sBestDadTM and TheWorld'sBestHusbandTM and I doubted myself for years when I wanted to leave because my family adored him, as well as our DS, and also, he was so super nice to me sometimes.

He always told me that if we ever broke up, he would refuse to move, as it was his deposit in the house. We were abroad with DS (now 9) and got into another conflict and he refused to let me on the plane, so I stayed behind and flew back to UK the next day. I moved out then.

XH also always told me that if we break up, "I will take DS and use your mental health records against you". I am on antidepressants and I also have a diagnosed learning disability similar to Dyspraxia.

I moved back 6 months later, for a 3 month period, as I was so depressed I wasn't getting proper access to DS. Everyone told me not to get a lawyer - XH and my family - so I wanted to see if we could live together as a family again. However, it didn't work out, I moved out again and we stayed friendly.

However, I still wasn't seeing DS enough - I only had him over half a weekend and also one night during the week when I 'babysat' for XH at the old marital home.

Things rapidly got worse when I found a new man. On one of the conflict occasions I expressed that I wanted to have our son overnight during the week at mine, as obviously (because of the conflict) it was no longer viable for me to 'babysit' at the old marital home. XH was walking away from my flat then but turned back and busted his way in, and in front of DS and new partner XH started pushing me and threatening to take pics of the state of my flat for social services. (It was a bit messy as I was packing up due to an impending move etc.)

Long story short, I called the police and XH from then on stopped me seeing DS AT ALL without 'supervision'. I started court proceedings but progress has been slow. For an agonising three-four months I could not see DS for more than 2 hours a week at a mutual friend for a playdate. Mother's day I spent 1 hour at a local shopping mall cafe with my son and XH!!!

Then XH agreed by consent for me to see DS overnight one night a week without supervision. The court has not taken a stance yet AT ALL because of several bureaucratic issues delaying the process. Social services have been involved and so far they have said to me that they have no concerns regarding my parenting and that all restrictions imposed come from XH only.

We are due to have the first official report published in a few weeks as we're also going to court again then. I am nervous - my parenting will be judged based on an 1 hr long meeting with me and DS.

One silver lining has been that I got a good report from my GP stating that my medication and mental conditions should pose no risk to my parenting. I cannot stress enough what a relief it was to have someone say I'm sane enough o look after DS! Especially as I believe XH's behaviours fall a lot under 'gaslighting'.

Things that worry me include:

DS says he wants to only spend one night a week with me, XH has been parrotting this from the start. I used to look after him full time and then later on more like 60% when XH went freelance. I don't understand why suddenly my own DS does not want to see me more, and I don't know what it is that XH has done for it to get to this point.

DS has got a legal guardian so his voice will be heard in court through that. I worry it will actually be XH's voice that gets heard through DS.

XH lies a lot in his statements, I have tried to point these out in my responses to his (as I do have proof that some/many of them are lies), but the Judge has not yet had time to go through any of them properly, and I worry that XH will get his way as he is so determined to erase me from DS's life.

XH is a very charming man, and I worry the social worker / legal guardian falls under his charm. XH has successfully mobilised his whole family and many of our mutual friends to give written statements against me and my parenting. (Obviously the mutual friends are not my friends anymore after this!) He is very good at people skills and he also lies (which shows in the statements written by former mutual friends) that I am applying for sole custody when in fact he is. I am only applying to co-parent on the 50-50 principle, shared care. Like we always used to do when we lived together!

This has been a miserable experience and I doubt I would have made it this far if I didn't have my new partner by my side, as well as my family's support and their money to pay for my legal representation.

Any comments are much appreciated. Honesty too, especially that. I feel guilty - what kind of a mum does not live with their child??!! Have I failed my DS? Where did I go wrong??

Thanks so much all of you.

Albadross - he told me he was not letting me on the plane, 2 hrs before we were due to leave for the airport. I begged and pleaded but he told me no. He had the tickets so there was nothing I could do at that point...

It's awful your DH has said that. I think the gender doesn't matter but who stays with the child can win based on the status quo argument. This all I have only learned in retrospect of course. XH always worked a lot so I never even imagined that he would be able to do sole custody - let alone willing to do so; I thought of him as a good father in general and just simply never saw it coming that he would seriously try to take my son away from me. Especially as I was always supportive of us parenting 50-50 and was not going to litigate to get principal residence.

Of course, it's all different now -- I have started to realise, partially due to his recent statements to court, partially due to his constant reluctance to allow any more contact with DS even for a one-off special occasion, and partially to you all supporting me and giving me some much-needed reality checks - I have started to realise that he is not such a great father that I have sort of wanted to see him as. I mean, he' got lots of positive qualities with his parenting, and I know DS loves him very much, but it's just that he is acting like an unstoppable train that will just try to continue to destroy mine and DS's relationship in every way he can, plus make my life awkward in all other ways he can too, eg finances and turning people against me.

I'm still finding this a nightmare that I'm actually having to detail the DA/DV allegations about this person I lived with for nearly a decade. In some ways he was like a second father to me and supported me in ways nobody else ever had. It's hard to reconcile my gratitude towards that with the reality that he has also acted and continues to act in ways which are harmful to DS and that it's my responsibility to bring this up as nobody else will.

Thanks so much all of you.

Albadross - he told me he was not letting me on the plane, 2 hrs before we were due to leave for the airport. I begged and pleaded but he told me no. He had the tickets so there was nothing I could do at that point...

It's awful your DH has said that. I think the gender doesn't matter but who stays with the child can win based on the status quo argument. It sounds like emotional blackmail. My XH was always jumping on the opportunity to put me down due to my vulnerabilities whilst also acting like my only source of support. If all these MNers are right then you are also a victim of emotional abuse / control like I have been. I would recommend looking into alternative separation plans in advance - my downfall was that it got too much and I ended up effectively leaving the home as a result of that, without any advance planning or legal advice. That said, I didn't exactly move out either as XH didn't let me on the plane, and at the last minute he changed his mind but by then I'd already made plans to fly back separately the next day.

This all I have only learned in retrospect of course. XH always worked a lot so I never even imagined that he would be able to do sole custody - let alone willing to do so; I thought of him as a good father in general and just simply never saw it coming that he would seriously try to take my son away from me. Especially as I was always supportive of us parenting 50-50 and was not going to litigate to get principal residence.

Of course, it's all different now -- I have started to realise, partially due to his recent statements to court, partially due to his constant reluctance to allow any more contact with DS even for a one-off special occasion, and partially to you all supporting me and giving me some much-needed reality checks - I have started to realise that he is not such a great father that I have sort of wanted to see him as. I mean, he' got lots of positive qualities with his parenting, and I know DS loves him very much, but it's just that he is acting like an unstoppable train that will just try to continue to destroy mine and DS's relationship in every way he can, plus make my life awkward in all other ways he can too, eg finances and turning people against me.

I'm still finding this a nightmare that I'm actually having to detail the DA/DV allegations about this person I lived with for nearly a decade. In some ways he was like a second father to me and supported me in ways nobody else ever had. It's hard to reconcile my gratitude towards that with the reality that he has also acted and continues to act in ways which are harmful to DS and that it's my responsibility to bring this up as nobody else will.

laptop was playing up - accidentally posted the 1st post too early, sorry!

ie Albadross, I was trying to make the point that there are other options available than putting up with your controlling H or leaving. Is your H like my XH, in that he's stating he will simply not move out? XH made that very clear to me always, 'If we ever separate I will take DS from you and stay in this house'; 'If we ever break up there's no way I'm moving to a flat because it's my deposit in this house'.

So I too saw those 2 as my only options but in retrospect I have learned those aren't the only options. Have you written about your situation on another thread?

Just so you know, OP, self-representing can be quite freeing. Don't be afraid of it. My DP had a solicitor speak for him in court for his first 8 hearings and every time she failed to get across the main points he needed to answer/address. Every single time. Like in your case, the judge was getting frustrated that the parties (DP and his ex) weren't just sorting things out and at every court date the solicitor was not explaining why this was happening. Once he dropped the solicitor and was allowed to speak for himself he was able to get a LOT more information across the table. (He also did things that weren't technically allowed like bringing evidence into the room and showing the judge without submitting it beforehand and he got away with it because LIP's don't necessarily know the rules). The judge was able to hear his side of things from him directly and they had actual conversations. Once his ex finally dropped her solicitor as well, they actually made progress. When her solicitor wasn't speaking for her anymore the judge asked her to explains her actions and she finally admitted that preventing contact was unjustified.

The reason the judge wants you to drop the DV stuff is because in theory it will no longer affect DS now that you are no longer together, and the older lyrics way to effectively parent together is to let go of the past. He's trying to force you both to do this.

If your ex brings up DV claims against you at this point then since you will be litigant in person you can respond directly with this:

1. You question why he has never mentioned this before now.
2. If the alleged DV is against him you question why he is raising this now given the judges instruction to you that DV allegations be stopped.
3. If the alleged DV is against DS, question why he 'allows' contact with you, including overnights, if he's concerned you may harm 'his' child?

In my experience, judges want parents to be entirely DC focused. They are Not interested in the parents' allegations against each other unless things that have been done have actually harmed the child. All this petty shit XH is doing, eg getting friends to make statements and bringing up your mental health etc, is completely transparent and pathetic. Judges have seen all of this before. If he/she is a decent judge, they will tell XH to stop attacking you and start thinking of your DS.

Our judge was Not impressed by ex who only cared about how she felt and tried to manipulate DSD to feel the same way, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Judges are bossy (maybe not all; but the ones I saw were, anyway). They put the fear of God into you so you get on with it. Bear in mind they have endless people coming through their courtroom and they just want to crack through.

So don't take it personally.

The law can feel brutal sometimes, especially in the family courts. You can't take personally what gets said and done. You can't afford to take your feelings into the courtroom (though of course we do - so much at stake!)

I am extremely heartened that the guardian is sniffing out what ex is about and she's like a dog with a bone. Rah rah!

Before the eagle eye of all personnel, ex is displaying at every turn he controls and dominates. You are displaying at every turn you don't! They are seeing this with their own eyes. You couldn't wish for better.

Judges can also be fossils. Re domestic abuse done and dusted once you're not living together. We wish!

Women's Aid have a Children First campaign about safe child contact. There will be resources that show DA does not end when the marriage ends.

Thanks for your comments!

SoTheySentMeA, I'm pleased to hear your DP's experience. Is his XP now behaving okay? At the moment it seems that this conflict with XH has gone on for ages and it just worries me that there might be no end to it - right now he's unstoppable in his efforts to minimise my input into and presence in DS's life. I really worry that this will just keep going on and on.

That's also why it hurt me that the Judge seemed to think I'm stalling progress too now with bringing up DV. I decided to make the DV point now because if I don't do it now, then I can't possibly ever bring it up with any credibility, and because to me it surely makes sense that it's somewhat a relevant part of these proceedings? Relevant because there was smacking of DS by XH involved in the past up until we broke up (I don't know if this happens anymore as I have no way of knowing) and because the pattern of control has been going on for at least the past 7 years, and I think the Court needs to see that XH is still perpetuating it.

I am not perfect, I'm not the tidiest person in the world, but all my faults have been completely taken out of proportion with XH's behaviour especially during the past year. Me and my family and friends still can't believe he actually stopped all contact between me and DS for 3-4months apart from around 2 supervised hours a week max.

I worry that he will only continue to act like this in the future at the slightest opportunity. If I don't bring this up now then when...?

Thanks Springydaffs! What do you think of this? Do you think this indicates I've made a misjudgement in applying for 50-50 residence where perhaps it should be more like currently or 5/2 or 6/1 days a week division but with the other way round ie as me as the main custodial parent? It's so frustrating when XH doesn't agree to anything, not even an extra half an hour, or a few hours on one week, for a good reason, - anything over and above what he has currently agreed to by consent is completely unacceptable to him and I worry how the court will be able to stop this effective perpetuation of post-relationship control over me.

Any thoughts?

Thanks Cocoabutton, seems helpful! I looked at the site. It's really horrifying to say the least and an important cause. I find myself trying not to get too paranoid about XH but perhaps naturally I do find myself freaking out sometimes. He's already done things that me or nobody in my family ever in a million years expected he would do. Stopping all contact, accusing me of risk of abduction etc...

I spoke at length with my parents yesterday. We just keep wondering whether XH has gone insane or whether he has always had a personality disorder (ie if he has one, then he's alwys had one as PD's are pretty much permanent from what I understand) and it's just so unfathomable to us all. Especially as he can easily be so kind, gentle, generous and caring, etc. I focused on his positives so it has taken me a long time to start to understand that there really is and was abuse and I have to say you all have been giving me some much needed reality checks.

I really worry that if he gets to keep being the main parent then in a few years my DS will effectively stop being my son, growing estranged and siding with his dad because of potentially being subject to this kind of ongoing manipulation.

How can the manipulation stop? What can the court do?

thanks to you all

My H casually drops into conversation things like 'if I leave I'm taking him' so it's impossible to tell if it's a serious thing or not. He's very passive aggressive in that way. I totally understand how much control they can have over things - like with the plane tickets - I wonder if you'd have asked whether the staff would've done something to make him surrender it? Probably not. But this is exactly the kind of random thing that happens - always right when you're weakest.

You've done the hardest part in leaving and I really hope you get the best outcome for you and your DS.

Btw I have a PD myself but luckily I've finally had the right treatment and am a perfectly parent. He might not have a PD - he might just be a cunt!

I think DV is a huge risk factor for a child - if the parent won't deal with whatever issue they have causing them to hurt a partner then they shouldn't be allowed to have custody IMO. It's about patterns of behaviour - who will your XH control now he can't control you anymore? He's quite clearly already controlling your DS!

Did he carry your passport, too? I remember a boyfriend doing that once - actually I had forgotten till now. It was the first time we had holidays together and after checking in, he put all the documents, including my passport, in his pocket. I said no, I will carry my own. I remember feeling like I would have lost control over my own freedom to travel if he had taken them. It shocked me, actually, that he did that as I was a well-travelled person and no-one had carried my passport since I was a child.

Thanks Albadross, you're 100% right, this is exactly why I feel I need to bring these things out now.

Thanks Cocoabutton, I can't remember if he did, but he had the tickets and DS's passport so there was nothing for me to do when he kept saying a was 'not allowed' on the plane. Oh, to clarify, this 'discussion' happened 2 hours before we were due to drive to the airport, it didn't happen 2 hrs before boarding the plane, so we weren't at the airport. That whole day still strikes me as weird in retrospect, but I guess that was XH at his most unreasonable and controlling behaviour. Until his 'sole custody' battle started of course...

I've just read your other threads.

The details that your ex is bringing up, they don't mean you can't be a great mum. You and your son deserve to have a proper relationship with each other, and you both deserve to build your bonds back up by seeing each other more than one night a week. He is just bullying you.
You could say that you COULD bring up lots of little bad things about your ex through the years, but the important thing is that you believe your son is truly best served by having both of you in his life in full roles and so that stuff is irrelevant. Then point to the guardian report and imply your ex is being petty and you are being the bigger person. For the sake of your son, you've put him first, your ex puts fighting first!

Stop trying to be so fair to your ex too. NT people don't do that. It's putting you at a huge disadvantage. Fuck him and his deposit. Ask for half the house if you have a chance of getting it, it can pay for the bills he's made you incur. Say you think him preventing contact has hurt your son! You were the main carer. He isn't putting him first. He's taken advantage of your naivety. I hope the judge sees through him. Best of luck. X

Nothing to add but sending huge hugs. You seem so articulate and clever and brave from these posts, and i am sure in real life you are all these things and much more