ExH applying for sole custody - I'm miserable

[user1475501383]

I've been sneaking on this message board for a while and am liking it, I hope you could give me advice and opinions on this...

The beginning 'sticky' post is brilliant where it says the only amount of abuse that is acceptable is 0%. But there is one thing that has not happened in my case. It says 'no your kids won't be taken from you'. But mine has been taken away by XH, at least for the time being.

It's a long story but I'll try to be as brief as I can without leaving out too much important detail...

2 years ago I moved out because of constant disagreements with XH. He was the 'domineering' type and found it hard to accept my imperfections, so it was an ever-increasing amount of criticism, escalating to verbal and sometimes physical abuse. At the same time, he presented as TheWorld'sBestDadTM and TheWorld'sBestHusbandTM and I doubted myself for years when I wanted to leave because my family adored him, as well as our DS, and also, he was so super nice to me sometimes.

He always told me that if we ever broke up, he would refuse to move, as it was his deposit in the house. We were abroad with DS (now 9) and got into another conflict and he refused to let me on the plane, so I stayed behind and flew back to UK the next day. I moved out then.

XH also always told me that if we break up, "I will take DS and use your mental health records against you". I am on antidepressants and I also have a diagnosed learning disability similar to Dyspraxia.

I moved back 6 months later, for a 3 month period, as I was so depressed I wasn't getting proper access to DS. Everyone told me not to get a lawyer - XH and my family - so I wanted to see if we could live together as a family again. However, it didn't work out, I moved out again and we stayed friendly.

However, I still wasn't seeing DS enough - I only had him over half a weekend and also one night during the week when I 'babysat' for XH at the old marital home.

Things rapidly got worse when I found a new man. On one of the conflict occasions I expressed that I wanted to have our son overnight during the week at mine, as obviously (because of the conflict) it was no longer viable for me to 'babysit' at the old marital home. XH was walking away from my flat then but turned back and busted his way in, and in front of DS and new partner XH started pushing me and threatening to take pics of the state of my flat for social services. (It was a bit messy as I was packing up due to an impending move etc.)

Long story short, I called the police and XH from then on stopped me seeing DS AT ALL without 'supervision'. I started court proceedings but progress has been slow. For an agonising three-four months I could not see DS for more than 2 hours a week at a mutual friend for a playdate. Mother's day I spent 1 hour at a local shopping mall cafe with my son and XH!!!

Then XH agreed by consent for me to see DS overnight one night a week without supervision. The court has not taken a stance yet AT ALL because of several bureaucratic issues delaying the process. Social services have been involved and so far they have said to me that they have no concerns regarding my parenting and that all restrictions imposed come from XH only.

We are due to have the first official report published in a few weeks as we're also going to court again then. I am nervous - my parenting will be judged based on an 1 hr long meeting with me and DS.

One silver lining has been that I got a good report from my GP stating that my medication and mental conditions should pose no risk to my parenting. I cannot stress enough what a relief it was to have someone say I'm sane enough o look after DS! Especially as I believe XH's behaviours fall a lot under 'gaslighting'.

Things that worry me include:

DS says he wants to only spend one night a week with me, XH has been parrotting this from the start. I used to look after him full time and then later on more like 60% when XH went freelance. I don't understand why suddenly my own DS does not want to see me more, and I don't know what it is that XH has done for it to get to this point.

DS has got a legal guardian so his voice will be heard in court through that. I worry it will actually be XH's voice that gets heard through DS.

XH lies a lot in his statements, I have tried to point these out in my responses to his (as I do have proof that some/many of them are lies), but the Judge has not yet had time to go through any of them properly, and I worry that XH will get his way as he is so determined to erase me from DS's life.

XH is a very charming man, and I worry the social worker / legal guardian falls under his charm. XH has successfully mobilised his whole family and many of our mutual friends to give written statements against me and my parenting. (Obviously the mutual friends are not my friends anymore after this!) He is very good at people skills and he also lies (which shows in the statements written by former mutual friends) that I am applying for sole custody when in fact he is. I am only applying to co-parent on the 50-50 principle, shared care. Like we always used to do when we lived together!

This has been a miserable experience and I doubt I would have made it this far if I didn't have my new partner by my side, as well as my family's support and their money to pay for my legal representation.

Any comments are much appreciated. Honesty too, especially that. I feel guilty - what kind of a mum does not live with their child??!! Have I failed my DS? Where did I go wrong??

Not read all this, but you cannot do collaboration with an abusive person; you need a lawyer experienced in litigation and understanding of domestic abuse. Collaborative law is an amicable process, litigation is not.

In short, at least seek an opinion from a lawyer; preferably in a big firm where they can draw on other legal expertise. And where they know what the word psychopath means.

are there other examples of the control he tries to exert over you?

did he allow you money?

Thanks a lot for your views. I will see what happens in the next hearing which is is soon and is only another preliminary one and will re-evaluate whether I need to change tact.

BlackeyedSusan, thanks for asking. I had independent funds and XH was very generous in some ways, although then later he would backtrack and list in a petty way everything he had bought for me / given me. He wants the whole house, nevermind that I paid mortgage for the 5 years I lived there. He said after we broke up that it's money I would have spent on rent anyway as I couldn't have afforded to buy and it was his deposit.

I don't know where to start with the other examples of control. A lot of them are quite small and petty until there's like 100s of them and then it makes some kind of pattern. He would encourage me to do certain things outside the house but only to a point and then I'd be 'selfish' if I crossed some invisible line where suddenly it wasn't okay. I'm a very homely/introverted person so I didn't mind not having much of a social life, so I can't blame him for having isolated me, although I can see that my isolation was also what he preferred.

When he got angry he'd act like I was a dog to be trained, confiscate my food I was eating / take the laptop while I was using it and I had to beg and plead to get it back, or in general show enough submission and apologise.

He started using a class-a drug 4 years ago. Before that, he was a regular pothead. I think his drug use may have spurred this on although he insists he does it in a therapeutical sense. Anyway he claims at Court that he doesn't use the drug anymore, even though I'm pretty sure he does, but I have no proof, other than that XH said to me when I moved back in for the time after the breakup, that he had receive legal advice that as long as he admitted to using it before the breakup but not after, then I could not use that against him in court.

Thanks for all your views.

I have read this more - a good father does not demonise his child's mother; a good father does not forbid his child's mother to get on a plane (I still cannot get my head around this); a good father does not lie about the role his child's mother plays in his child's life. There are so many things here a good father does not do, because they are detrimental to the wellbeing of his child. Your ex has done things which indicate he is not a good father.

I think you are right to say that moving out means you risk losing your child, if you leave the children with their father as he becomes their de facto resident parent and you are in the position of having to seek contact or shared residency. If there is no amicable solution, it has to go through court. That is the reality of the situation.

Things you have on your side

• support financially and emotionally
• evidence that your ex is lying (make sure you can document as much as possible)
• some on-going contact with your son.

It is an awful, awful situation. I hope you find strength and courage to take each step you need to. It may be that proposing an interim plan to increase from one night a week, to two, or to EOW, might be a way forward, moving towards shared care. But you can seek a second opinion, whilst retaining the same lawyer.

Previous drug use should absolutely be used against him in court. Class As likewise. Forget playing nice and cooperating. You are not playing the game by the same rules. Quite simply you risk loosing.

Previous drug use should absolutely be used against him in court. Class As likewise. Forget playing nice and cooperating. You are not playing the game by the same rules. Quite simply you risk loosing.

Thank you Cocoabutton. Very insightful post. Got through to me. Not saying I've still entirely got it but am working on it. It continues to be hard for me to reconcile XH's SuperDad image and generally attentive behaviour with DS, with his complete disregard for DS's need for his mother...

I never imagined XH would actually become one of the people who act like this after separation, - and I'm still not sure whether he is deliberately using DS as a pawn to make me miserable or whether he is so deluded that he genuinely believes I'm a harmful influence to DS if I see him on more than one night a week....

Your comment really got through to me though, and am trying to somehow make sense of this. I'm a 'live and let live' type of person and my XH has always been the 'fighter' type... We were both bullied as kids but he'd always beat the shit out of the bullies even when he was smaller and younger than them, whereas I just let people be mean to me and physical with me without doing anything... I have learned a lot of assertiveness over the years compared to what a complete walkover I was as a kid, but I will never match my XH in his relentless fighting spirit. He simply does not give up, and I don't know whether I have the strength to keep fighting and for how long, or whether I should just accept that this is DS's life now and at least I still see him one night a week and that at least XH is in many ways a good father to DS and nobody's perfect.

I wish I could say I'll keep fighting for DS's sake as long as I can, but at some point I might have to re-evaluate how all this is affecting me and therefore the part I still do get to play in DS's life. I cannot go through another mental breakdown - which I have had a few times when coming off of antidepressants - especially as this would seal my fate as an' unfit mum' which is, I believe, what XH perhaps wants to engineer to happen.... or then again perhaps he is just so delusional in his self-importance that he genuinely believes he is doing all this because of DS.

Thank you Wobbles.

Both my solicitor and barrister said to me in the beginning of the proceedings that if I genuinely believe co-parenting is the best, i should not make too much of an issue of XH's drug use, esp as they asked me if I believe it genuinely affects XH's parenting and I said back then 'I guess not, really'...

Barrister also said 'there are more than two outcomes to proceedings if both parties engage in mudslinging; the child may also be put to cre'.

My parents also always expressed the concern since we broke up that if we both do mudslinging, him with my mental health records and I with his drugs use and instances of physical, emotionl and psychological abuse, and physically punishing DS, that we would both lose custody and end up behind locked doors.

This is why I have tried to keep a low profile with XH's issues...

Also, Barrister and solicitor both pointed out that if I genuinely believe co-parenting is best for DS, then it doesn't make any sense to raise these issues as such...

However, I am starting to be doubtful with if co-parenting IS actually in the best interests of DS... because of XH's relentless inability to appreciate the part me and my side of family have played and continue to play in DS's life...

Of course then again, the status quo is in his favour, and I was also warned by the legals that I probably wouldn't get DS's residence changed.... :(

Thanks so much for your comments, please keep them coming, this is feeling like such incredible support right now...

*put to care

No advice but huge reams of sympathy and understanding from me. Your story really resonated with me.
My ex was so emotionally abusive (abuse which started the day my son came home from hospital) that I ended up suicidal. Luckily I got support from a psychologist etc and managed to leave him. But then we had the similar , refusing to leave house, an attempt to seek sole custody of the children on grounds of my mental health (luckily because I was seeing psychologist we could knock that on the head pretty fast); and repeated court applications from him about hokidays, despite fact I always offered him half the holidays in emails he just ignored, and continual attempts by him to make me look bad in front of the kids.

It's horribly gruelling and I think the courts are quite naive to how much this goes on. Indeed my dad sometimes sits as a family judge and said my experience had been really eye-opening to him.

Thanks for the message Pebbles.

That's awful. Do you mind me asking what's the current situation with child residence? Does he still badmouth you to the kids?

Thanks for warning me that the courts may be naive to how much this goes on. However, I understand from you message that you may have been vindicated?

Is he taking you to court on a regular basis - ie what you said re holidays? I would imagine pretty soon the judges would put a stop to wasting the court's time as you could prove from emails you sent that there was no reason to go to litigation re holidays?

Hugs

Your lawyer sounds rubbish. Really, really crap. You need a new one proto. Stop putting it off and do it now otherwise you cannot feel you did all you could.

Is there any way you could hire a private investigator to obtain proof of drug use? Your situation sounds desperate and that seems like possibly the only way to seriously challenge his credibility and suggest his narrative isn't the real one.

You have better insight on this thread than I can give except to repeat - he is not a good father, you cannot be abusive towards the mother of your child and be a good father - the two things cannot co-exist. This guy will not play nice or fair - you need to get adequate legal representation and stop trying to play nice. I absolutely understand the instinct to protect your DS/not engage in mudslinging but that's not what's happening and if his father has been this abusive to you he will turn it on him when it suits him. You protect him best by fighting for him.

You do seem a bit passive about this. I'm sorry that must be hard to hear. Ove the 8 years since my divorce I've been taken/gone to court 4x for my kids and the 5th is on the horizon. Im of the view you do what it takes whatever the personal cost. And it's a long game.

Your lawyers are wrong. Your ex will sling everything he's got or fabricated at you regardless of what you do. Is he paying your lawyers because it sounds like he must be.

There is almost zero chance your kid will be put in care.

I am working but I have read what you say, and having also had a mental breakdown and in my case paying my legal fees myself, there is a balance to be struck between ideal and pragmatic. It sounds like your head has been mushed by the years of emotional abuse; it is hard to explain if you have not experienced it.

Passive and being conditioned to be compliant are two different things. I will come back later and reflect a bit on what you say in reply to my earlier post.

Thanks very much for your views. It means a lot to have different perspectives.

yesterday I went to pick up some of my stuff from XH and he was MrCharming again, with the van man and my DP present. Van man seemed to think he was harmless. DP stayed silent and didn't really engage when XH tried to crack a few light-hearted jokes, because he's obviously been witnessing this situation for quite some time now and was also a witness when XH pushed his way into my flat.

XH was putting on the charm for me too, and I then said
"It would be so nice if we could always get along like this."
XH: "Wouldn't it, it would make things so much easier".
Me: "I'm really trying to be reasonable, I'm not trying to take [DS] away from you or anything, I just want to be able to be a proper mum to him."
XH: "Well his wishes are that he only wants to see you one night a week and I'm not going to discuss this."

I note that he may have backed off with the mental health -insults- -threats- accusations upon having received my GP letter which was positively reassuring regarding my ability to parent based on my conditions. It seems the new angle is that this is what DS wants.

It's hard for me to imagine he would outright tell DS what to say, though. So I'm a bit puzzled why DS is apparently of this view. I asked him once about it and he said he prefers to be taken to school by car (I don't drive) hence he doesn't want me to do school runs. I then asked gently "is it also because Dad hasn't got a girlfriend yet?" to which he replied "A little bit. When Dad gets a girlfriend I will want to stay with you more."

I didn't pry any further because I didn't know what to say... I want DS to feel he can talk to me openly and honestly, that's important to me that we can have that closeness instead of him feeling he needs to censor himself.

Of course, I don't really know what goes on in my DS's head. But I was surprised he seemed to instantly reply like this - I tried not to pose a leading question, just to suggest whether his solidarity for his single dad played a part.

DS is very sensitive and considerate at heart, although he can also present as stubborn etc. I feel for him and I know he loves his dad so much, and I know he loves me too and used to love me a lot but I do feel that the events of the past years have pulled us apart because we haven't had quite enough time together in everyday life (to put it mildly)...

Thanks for all your views.

DS also started telling me the other day "the lady hasn't come to see me again and I keep waiting and waiting". (He meant the social worker / legal guardian) I said "Has she not? I'm sure she will come soon. What will you say to her?" He said "I want to change what I said I want to stay with you two nights. She said she would come again but she hasn't!"

Previously he told me the lady came for a visit and he told her he wanted to spend just one night a week with me but that the lady had said he can change his mind anytime and she'd come again. I then gently suggested that he can't always change his mind, at some point what he says will be actioned and then it will be hard to backtrack on that.

It's so complex. I'm anxiously waiting for the social worker / legal guardian report which was due today. I haven't really been able to sleep. I don't know at all what to expect but my gut instinct tells me that what with my charming XH putting on his 100% charm and my DS both having said one night a week only, I will be very surprised if the report supports more contact with me than I currently have.... I am very stressed and do not understand how this has gotten to this point...

We had a 2 week holiday in my birth country with DS in the summer hols and he clearly got closer to me again, sitting on my lap, very cuddly etc... just like he used to be. It felt so good. I really worry that this limited contact will permanently damage our special bond that we've always had.

What would you do if your DS told you they only want to spend one night a week with you?

I feel awful about it but at least I'm happy he is able to talk to me openly and honestly knowing I won't hold it against him.

I even wonder, whether because I'm so easy-going and let him express himself without trying to control it, whether DS possibly panders to his dad because of intuitively understanding that his dad would not allow it if the tables were turned... I really don't know what to think

Is your new partner living with you?

I wonder if your son needs to have you all to himself when he visits.

Does your DS have anyone he can talk to outside the situation? A teacher, or counsellor who he can talk to about his feelings? I think he sounds very confused, to be honest. He is being asked to make potentially life-changing decisions here with very little discussion and it is not clear what on-going support he has. You have the legal right to speak to his school and make sure they are offering pastoral support.

You need to be careful not to ask leading questions - I know it is hard to not try to help your DS articulate things but if he says 'mum suggested it might be because of x, y or z' then that will be picked apart. It is such a fine line between trying to understand and framing a conversation.

But yes, it is not a decision which can always be changed, at least not without a lot of money and stress.

Thanks for your views.

Manaboutadog, yes we live together with DP. DP is often at work when DS comes over, but DS is very excited to play with DP when he's at home. The other week they even wanted to stay up to watch some boys' videos when I said I felt tired and it was DS's bedtime, so I let them stay up for 30 more minutes and DP made sure DS brushed his teeth and then went to bed!

But I also recognise we need private bonding time and that's why I'm taking him away overnight this weekend to an event in another town that he's very excited about.

Thanks Cocoabutton. Your suggestion prompted me to start googling suitable therapists and I found something very promising. I emailed XH about it but am nervous about how he'll respond. I agree with you that the situation must be so stressful for DS. I have no idea what to expect with the report but... I worry that DS's views are too identical to XH's to be anything but fishy and yet he'll get 'listened to' because he's 'already 9'. I truly hope I am proven wrong.

For all of my XH's controlling antics, it's surprising he does not see the value in promoting positive contact between his DS and DS's mum (me). His new tactic is "I'm DS's voice - I'm only going by what he says, he does not want to spend more than 1 night with his mum".

To play devil's advocate here - is it possible that it's good for my DS to only see his mum one night a week? If that's what he says he wants? As this seems to be my XH's current main argument now that the mental health argument has been slightly disqualified by my GP's letter.

XH seems to think I am the one being awkward trying to get more access... His friends seem to agree. I'm trying to find out why they seem to hold that firm opinion...

it is good for children to have regular contact with the non resident parent, apparently.

I think it is good to see them as long as they are not abusive. lets face it, it is better that he spends time with you than his dad who is abusive.

How did he physically stop you getting on the plane ?
I'm shocked by that