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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my husband having an affair of some kind

124 replies

Flowersarefun39 · 02/10/2016 17:12

I've been married 25 years and we have been very happy and people would say what a lovely marriage we have .But for the last two months my husband has said he wants space and is acting very differently .he use to call all the time etc which stopped overnight along with any affection .He is absolutely addicted to his phone and also very secretive with it has set it so no messages appear on screen when they are received and makes sure the screen is hidden when he is reading it . I know people would just assume straight away that he is playing away but he rarely does anything without me and he works with my son .my son just thinks he is having some sort of midlife crisis and his phone has just taken over his life , my daughter thinks he eveidently has something to hide but doesn't know what . I have confronted him over it and he swings from me being possessive ( and says it just because it doesn't include me) and other times said he is really going to try and be different he knows it's upsetting me .Am I just deluded ?

OP posts:

pudding21 · 27/01/2017 17:03

As a nurse I would be really worried about his symptoms and get him back to the doctor asap. Is he forthcoming about his memory lapses? Could he be storing things on his phone so he is reminding himself of what he needs to do daily?

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 27/01/2017 17:04

He has but also our friends .I don't want to go down his phone tbh as it would just make me feel crap and yes he could have deleted anything .But the app really has been the straw that has broke
The camels back . Surely everything can't be a coincidence and in 30 years iv never accused or even doubted him

OP posts:

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 27/01/2017 17:16

We have begged him to see the doctor
As over xmas he had some severe memory lapses but we aren't sure if he is just so preoccupied and the internet is kill his brain .he absolutely refuses to go to doctor as he says there is nothing wrong .trouble is sometimes it's so hard to see yourself from the outside looking in .

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/01/2017 19:06

I think If you know his usual and normal behaviour and it's suddenly changed, you are right to be suspicious. Has any new females joined his team or anything??

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2017 19:18

Forgetting the phone for a minute, could you make a list of the symptoms you would describe to a doctor?

From what you've written it looks like it would be something like:

Night sweats
Memory loss - can you describe how this manifests itself? Does he forget events, people, things he's done? Does he forget words? Does he struggle to find the right word?
Very high testosterone
Loss of libido
ED
Personality change - can you describe this? Is he simply grumpy or angry, or is it something else?

To be honest, I'd be really worried about those symptoms.

ImperialBlether · 27/01/2017 19:19

There's no chance he's taking steroids, is there?

TheEmmaDilemma · 27/01/2017 19:28

If he has high test levels (not caused by steriods) a lot of the symptoms apart from memory lapses could be that. ED is common with high levels I believe.

Unicornsandshit101 · 27/01/2017 19:46

Flowers, secrecy, sudden interest on his figure... these are textbook behaviours of someone that is either cheating or is interested in someone. Just because your son goes to the same gym that doesn't mean that they will go at the same time. Same at work. I very much doubt that they will be together all the time. I personally would still considered that scenario.
Also why would he have a special app so he could keep photos and videos hidden? I know from personal experience that the worse of all is not knowing the truth. You just have to make peace with the fact that you might never know it.
He will lie to protect himself. He will get defensive and say that he's doing nothing wrong. It's up to you to believe him or not, just don't be blinded. Take yourself out of the equation and follow whatever bit of advice you would give your own daughter. You shouldn't put up with what you wouldnt want your own child to go through.
All the best

blankmind · 27/01/2017 20:33

There's no chance he's taking steroids, is there?

I wondered that, especially the being on edge and can flip at any time.
Or maybe he's taking testosterone, it can cause night sweats at high levels. Sadly, all we can do is speculate and maybe miss something crucial a GP would spot instantly.

Bottom line please go to your GP yourself OP, and ask the GP for advice on how you can get your husband into the surgery for tests. Take a list of all his physical symptoms and describe his personality changes and see what the GP advises.
I wish you luck in dealing with this

pennygirl26 · 28/01/2017 02:18

My father is 55. Around 5 years ago behaviour changed massively.he became obsessive about his ipad.didnt watch TV. Just sat on his ipad.had intimacy problems with my mum night sweats lots of what you describe. We are now 5 years down the line and he has been diagnosed with 2 different types of dementia. I don't want to worry you but please try and see a doctor. My father is now in end stages and if we knew sooner we could have had more quality time. The obsession with the ipad was to hide he couldn't understand TV most of the time.

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 02/02/2017 18:37

Thank you for your replies .He isn't taken steroids I'm 100 percent sure if that especially as he seems to be struggling to build muscle .
I have considered dementia tbh but as he refuses to see a doctor unfortunately I can't rule out any medical condition .
With regards to the gym my son and him often go at the same time or cross paths there and my son said he doesn't think that's the case .

OP posts:

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 02/02/2017 18:42

Imperialblether with regards to his symptoms .He is very grumpy and he actually acts out of character .His view on many things seems to have changed overnight .he is very critical of our long time friends and is very intolerant of many things .

OP posts:

PowerPantsRule · 02/02/2017 18:55

A change in character could be a brain tumour - it is a symptom, as are the memory issues. Can I echo everyone else here - get him to the GP urgently? At least call the GP and explain the situation.

If you get him there and there is nothing wrong with him, happy days, and you can explore the other possibilities.

purpleviolet1 · 09/06/2017 20:29

Op how are things now?

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 09/06/2017 21:32

Found out he was having an emothional affair with a good friend of mine .He seems to think that he has done nothing wrong other than send too many texts .

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 09/06/2017 21:48

oh wow! was just reading through all this thinking my dh was the same - it turned out to be prostitutes (thats just a half hour out of a day to account for) and an affair. the cold sweats, personality change, everything.
how did you find out about the ea? I bet there is more he is hiding
so sorry

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 10/06/2017 07:32

I suspected but couldn't prove then I knew she was going away then I found some searches on the iPad and it was all the proof i needed me
And he admitted it andmit all sort of snowballed from there .needless to say he measag d her again after promising he wouldn't . Just trying to work
It through really . Can't prove anymore as he just Denys

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 10/06/2017 07:44

Is there any way of getting him to move out, he sounds horrible

Original poster

Flowersarefun39 · 10/06/2017 07:59

Just disappointed that he wasn't the man we thought he was .He has actually made me feel like I'm going mad in his quest to hide it . If he moves out I will never find out the truth . Also as he feels that it's not cheating that's not likely

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 10/06/2017 08:28

I think I would get to a solicitors, he sounds like a really unpleasant person. I would not want to spend the rest of my life with him gaslighting me and making my life a misery

CherylVole · 10/06/2017 08:33

OF course he's having an affair. The woman's name is saved as a bloke. He's meeting her at the gym

CherylVole · 10/06/2017 08:33

Ah. Only got half way though the thread. Sorry op

PaintingByNumbers · 10/06/2017 09:32

been there
I spent the next 18 months seething while he was all 'it was only messaging online people'
eventually I found definitive (well, almost) proof of a sexual relationship (viagra in his work bag) and he owned up. omg he had been with prostitutes for years, plus an ongoing affair
my experience is, I knew he was lying on some level, I couldnt prove it, it drove me almost insane as he was gaslighting constantly. the relief with the truth was amazing. if I had realised how it was destroying me, I would have just left 18 months ago. its just not worth it for.your mental health, not if he wont admit the truth. I can cope with the truth, not deceit

PaintingByNumbers · 10/06/2017 09:35

my h has now admitted he was being a lying dick all that time. he used to say 'at least its not an affair' 'at least ive been faithful' 'it was only ....'. really convincing.lies but part of me knew. it drove me insane. in the end it was me it was damaging, I was damaging myself with my reaction.
you cant change other people, you can only change how you react to them

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