Is my husband having an affair of some kind

[Flowersarefun39]

I've been married 25 years and we have been very happy and people would say what a lovely marriage we have .But for the last two months my husband has said he wants space and is acting very differently .he use to call all the time etc which stopped overnight along with any affection .He is absolutely addicted to his phone and also very secretive with it has set it so no messages appear on screen when they are received and makes sure the screen is hidden when he is reading it . I know people would just assume straight away that he is playing away but he rarely does anything without me and he works with my son .my son just thinks he is having some sort of midlife crisis and his phone has just taken over his life , my daughter thinks he eveidently has something to hide but doesn't know what . I have confronted him over it and he swings from me being possessive ( and says it just because it doesn't include me) and other times said he is really going to try and be different he knows it's upsetting me .Am I just deluded ?

If you do manage to get hold of his phone at any point, you could add your finger print to those that open the phone - so you could access it in the future if you wanted to.

Night sweats need GP visit and tests.

TBH I'm really not concerned remphone and would never go down it but am seriously concerned that he won't admit he needs some sort of help

Sorry but his behaviour is appalling. Letting his entire family worry themselves sick because he 'refuses to see the doctor'? How little he cares for your feelings.

If the combined pressure of you and your adult kids pleading with him isn't enough, then perhaps he isn't the man you thought he was. In what ways does he show his love and care for you all?

The thing is he has always be so straight up and steady so his behaviour is out of character .he keeps on bringing things up like he never went to Spain with his mates when we had a young family and he probably wdnt be able to go now ..which in all fairness I am on the possessive side but said I was willing to address that but can't change something that was 25 years ago .he is still going to work and providing for us but just seems very switched off from us all .He says not to involve the kids as it's between me and him

It might be between you and him, but it's affecting your adult children. Would he be willing to attend marriage counselling?

He sounds resentful about missing out when he was younger and somewhat depressed about it.

This is where marital history gets rewritten and he focuses on all the negatives. Something is making him think about the past and I suspect that (whatever it is?), is the root of the problems.

How practical was it for him to go to Spain 25 years ago, leaving you with the kids? Were his mates in the same situation back then?

It wasn't practical we never even had a holiday ourself as money was so tight ..His friends didn't have children and I
Can't recollect the ones with long term
Partners going . He did have lads
Holiday in late teens and his friends
Hardly went travelling the world in fact we have covered a fair bit as a family TBH you have hit the nail on head and I keep on saying yr focusing on all the negatives and your forgetting we have been incredibly happy .He just says he knows we were happy and thinks we will be if I give him space and stop
Going on at him to go to doctors

If you met when you were 14, chances are he wasn't much older. By your own admission you are 'possessive' and you ' do everything together'. Now he's having fantasies about being young, free and single. Given the above, I can see how that could happen..

May be an OW - not everyone in the building trade is male btw (OR it could be a male that had turned his head..). May be a health problem.

Make it a condition he goes to the GP. No no not good enough if he says no, not an option.

Abnormally high testosterone levels??

The abnormally high testosterone level needed following up; why won't your husband go back to the GP? Very frustrating for you & the children.
Don't be alarmed but google pituitary tumours because some of those symptoms really do fit.
You may have to all railroad him into going back to the GP.

Well the level was very high ( just
Below the highest reading they give ) considering he
Never gets morning erections anymore which is usually an indicator that there is something wrong

I'm sure there isn't someone else up until five weeks ago my son was working with him and so it's unlikely he has met someone on a job .
He has also developed a very unhealthy addiction to the gym and gets upset when he can't go .( my son goes same gym so there's no one there )

Given what you say about the gym, could he be using/abusing steroids OP? That can cause personality changes, affect testosterone levels and have all kinds of other side effects.

Night sweats can also be a sign of steroid abuse. taylorhooton.org/steroid-abuse/signs-of-steroids-abuse/

No I don't think that's a possibility .in fact we have noticed he actually looks like he is wasting rather than bulking up

My son actually noticed
Changes first before there was problems between us he said about his attention span and noticed how he never watched tv but just looked at his phone .His phone use has been so
Much better as he admitted with that it was a problem and it was a very bad habit .Sometimes he does get defensive and say yr not happy unless u have my undivided attention .Which is so far from
The truth .my gripe with it was he was very secretive never left it around charging and had a meltdown if he cdnt charge it .
He does seem very angry all the time iv noticed even when driving he is
Shouting etc. He
Seems to be able to present a
Pretty normal front to other people although closest of friends have said he doesn't look well and he
Looks like he is ready to blow
A fuse all the time

He has admitted that his memory is
A
Concern

Crikey some of the phone info in this thread is concerning. The clock/Siri method doesn't work if you have an up to date iOS; and Apple wouldn't unlock someone else's phone for you - they won't unlock your own if your fingerprint doesn't open it. They'd help if it was malfunctioning but the phone would be reporting a failed match, not a technical error. The easiest way to get into someone's iPhone is going to be to ask them now, or to memorise the correct PIN and hope they don't have any sketchy PIN apps installed.

On to his health - his musings about things he'd have done differently in youth may well be a response to him worrying that this is pretty serious now. Or he could know what's wrong, but not want to tell you or "make it real".

If he's not ready to talk and he won't go to the doctors then really there's little you can do. Make sure he knows that you are there when he needs you and tell him that whatever is wrong; you'll be there and you'll get through it together. Hopefully he'll come round and see someone.

In the meantime, it sounds like he feels he's missed out on things because you are possessive? And you don't seem to disagree - if that's still the case, you're going to need to work on that and also on re-establishing some trust and intimacy, or this could cause big issues in your relationship. It's a side issue to his health but it's something you can do, at least, until he's ready to find out what's wrong.

He needs medical assessment. He has:
Abnormally high testosterone levels,
Noticeable changes in his behaviour,
Night sweats,
Apparently obsessive behaviour,
Memory problems
ED.
I doubt there is OW involved but you're obviously getting nowhere trying to get to the bottom of that.
Your number one priority should be getting him medical help, you and your children have raised concerns about it and he is either scared, confused or in denial which are all perfectly normal reactions but not helpful to him or those close to him. Lay it on the line to him!

I'm sure I'm
Not being dillusional .i tackled him about phone and I really think k he just has a juvenile obsession with it but as it is topped with all the other things it did look
Bad .. My problem is he doesn't really want to see our long time friends very much now and he has complete apathy for our
Kids which really is strange .mu son text him and said look your acting strange I can't come to you anymore and I looked up to you and this last week he has improved but this weekend just blew up because I whispered in his ear about sex when he was half asleep .my son said he is angry all the time
And anything can top him over .tbh I think if it was another woman I could
Cope more as he keeps on turning it back
On me saying iv made everything about me .( the ED et). I can't deny I have gone on about it because it
Doesn't seem to bother him and I think that is very strange for a man of his age
.and when I say go on
Iv tried to entice
Him etc and iv dropped subtle hints about seeing doctor about it

High anxiety can cause night sweats. Also I can't sit and watch tv without my phone or I'd fall asleep. He needs to go to the doctor as there are so many medical reasons for his change in behaviour.

Nobody can diagnose him on here. His symptoms match so many conditions, from undiagnosed diabetes onwards.

Hugs for you, if it was my husband I would be getting him to remove the screen lock for a start there is no need for that! But on the flip side, my MIL was concerned by FIL was having an affair due to being on his phone a lot and in reality he had just become addicted to candy crush!

No it definitely not a game and I am really sure there is no romantic or emotional interest other than a really bad habit with it . But one minite he agrees with all of us re phone the next hr says everyone is on their phone and we are scrutinising him .He even blocked us on whatap so we can't see if he is online which on the contrary he used to text me and my daughter when we were .i even caught him going down my phone and I said it isn't a problem
I have nothing to hide .
It's the small
Behaviour changes the anger and the intolerance of us that's the most upsetting and I know his kids are so important to him
But I feel that even they have now become a burden to him .I

Well still no improvement in any way and you all must Thai i why she still there .well after all these years it really isn't easy being anywhere else .
The phone use has got no bettter and in fact is far worse although he doesn't sit blatantly messaging but is still on it all the time .obviously I can't see what he is doing .his mood has changed greatly as well and anything can top him over the edge .If I try to address or confront him he just turns it back on me saying the phone is because I'm not included .
Now it has come to light that he downloaded an app and we arent sure when but it may be before our problems started . It is a secret vault for texts photos and videos and it appears as the same
Icon as your calculator on the iPhone .no I wasn't snooping it was on the iPad aap purchase history as it had the same Apple ID as his phone .when I asked him about it he said this was getting him down and even when I showed him the iPad he said well iv never seen that but I' know I must have downloaded it but often download and delete apps .he also said why would it matter if he did have that on his phone .i pointed out that really its a cheating app and surely he can see how it looks given our situation and he says no it's all about me not being included .i I really can't see how he can't see how incriminating this is and why rather than getting defensive he wdnt want to reassure me .i have asked him if he is hiding anything and I would rather know that be lied to - which seriously is the case but he just makes it out like it's me .my children don't believe him but they still don't actually think it's another woman .

I don't think you should look at his phone. Would it really help you to read messages? I think there will be messages. And if not, you would just be wondering whether he had deleted them or not.

The main issue is the lack of affection and distance. That's crap even without a possible affair. Talk to him about the lack of affection and why he is acting so weird. If he can't tell you the truth and/or keeps up this odd behaviour then you need to decide if you want a divorce.

Sounds like he has emotionally distanced himself from his family.