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Original poster

Is my husband having an affair of some kind

124 replies

Flowersarefun39 · 02/10/2016 17:12

I've been married 25 years and we have been very happy and people would say what a lovely marriage we have .But for the last two months my husband has said he wants space and is acting very differently .he use to call all the time etc which stopped overnight along with any affection .He is absolutely addicted to his phone and also very secretive with it has set it so no messages appear on screen when they are received and makes sure the screen is hidden when he is reading it . I know people would just assume straight away that he is playing away but he rarely does anything without me and he works with my son .my son just thinks he is having some sort of midlife crisis and his phone has just taken over his life , my daughter thinks he eveidently has something to hide but doesn't know what . I have confronted him over it and he swings from me being possessive ( and says it just because it doesn't include me) and other times said he is really going to try and be different he knows it's upsetting me .Am I just deluded ?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/10/2016 22:33

You are only throwing the towel in though if he doesn't want to save the marriage. If he doesn't want to save the marriage it is dead anyway and you are just saving months of anguish.
I did this with my husband when I suspected him of having an emotional affair and it got him stopping all the secret texts and realising what he was risking with his "friendship".
I am financially self sufficient though and really would rather be alone than with a man who was secretly contacting another woman so it wasn't an empty threat and he knew it.

Original poster
Flowersarefun39 · 02/10/2016 23:08

I did actually tell
Him that his daughter thought he was lying and he said when exactly am
I suppose to be doing this and said he would try harder not to use his phone so habitually but 5 days in he is struggling .my son said he is also on it a lot
At work .

OP posts:
CannotEvenDeal · 02/10/2016 23:11

Tbh I stopped calling dh as much seemingly overnight when I got promoted recently... but make sure I'm affectionate around him.

Good luck OP

chattygranny · 02/10/2016 23:14

Could he have a pornography addiction rather than an OW? Or gambling? Something phone based?

Agadooo · 02/10/2016 23:18

Agree with chatty granny-maybe porn or gambling he's got involved in?

Kirk123 · 03/10/2016 00:12

Same for me starting over , sorry to say 25 years is a big red flag especially if he is mid life crisis too , I pray he is not , but tackle him don't ignore it op, I am 18 months after his affair and I am afraid to say he has changed into a horrible man still with ow and doesn't see his kids either 😢😡

RunnyRattata · 03/10/2016 00:21

When ypu next go out together, leave your phone at home and then say you need to borrow his to make a call.
His reaction to being asked to unlock his pgone and hand it over will tell you all you need to know, especially if you are in a crowded resaurant and need to go outside partway through the call to hear it properly. He can hardly leave the table to follow you as the staff will think he's doing a runner.

Original poster
Flowersarefun39 · 03/10/2016 07:52

Well I have spoke to him and he has assured me that I have nothing to worry about and he is secretive regarding his phone as he is embarrassed that he spends so much time on it . I asked him if there is anything I need to know or has he lied to me in anyway I even asked if had struck up some sort of emotional
Relationship with a woman .He says he hasn't and I suppose for now I have to take
That for face value . He said I have been really trying to curb its use .So watch this space
.Thanks for all your replies .

OP posts:
laurenandsophie · 03/10/2016 08:17

OP, my DH did something like this. He had just discovered a game he loves playing. He knew I'd think the game was juvenile (he's right, I do!!) so he never wanted me to see the screen. It's not necessarily anything for you to worry about. Flowers

LucySnow12 · 03/10/2016 08:49

Sorry to say but cheaters will lie, even swear over their children's lives. Buy a VAR, voice activated recorder and hide it in his car. Speak to a solicitor. You know something is off, you need to snoop. This is affecting you! There's a site called suvivinginfidelity.com. You'll get bang on advice from its users. Confront what's going on.

2rebecca · 03/10/2016 09:00

If there is nothing on his phone then he should be happy for you to look at it and at his phone records. He hasn't explained WHY he is spending so much time on it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 09:05

Buy a VAR, voice activated recorder and hide it in his car. Speak to a solicitor. You know something is off, you need to snoop. This is affecting you! There's a site called suvivinginfidelity.com. You'll get bang on advice from its users. Confront what's going on.

Tbh if you need to go to these lengths then your marriage is over anyway.

Original poster
Flowersarefun39 · 03/10/2016 09:19

Yes to be honest don't want to resort to bugging his car . I'm going to have to
See what the next few days bring . My son pointed out he has been so addicted woukd he actually be that blatant !

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 03/10/2016 09:42

I still think you should ask to look at his phone. If he genuinely has nothing to hide then he will hand it over.

adora1 · 03/10/2016 11:41

So he is still hiding something and you don't know what it is - he's not going to tell you.

LucySnow12 · 03/10/2016 15:03

Flowers

Please check out the website I recommended. You will find experienced people there. Something is wrong and in order to know what action to take, you need the truth.

SandyY2K · 03/10/2016 18:31

I still think you should ask to look at his phone.

I believe she already asked this.

Thinking about, I'm kind of addicted to my phone. Usually on MN or other relationship websites.

I have my phone by my bedside and it's usually always on me.

I guess my DH could think I'm having an affair, but I haven't changed towards him. If anything I have changed for the better. But I do spend a lot of time on it.

Lymmmummy · 03/10/2016 18:36

He could be having an affair but logistics appear difficult if he works with your son

As one previous poster says could he perhaps have developed an interest in online porn or gambling etc which may explain the over use of the phone - access to these are now so easy that it can become habitual in someone who previously would never have been engaged in that kind of thing

Emmageddon · 03/10/2016 19:50

I spend a lot of time on my phone too, but if my DH asked me to look at it, he'd be very disappointed. Mumsnet, Digital Spy, Facebook, Twitter, Amazon, Very. God I am so boring!! Books, clothes, and gossip.

ravenmum · 03/10/2016 19:53

Mine was that blatant. I think he enjoyed it.

Original poster
Flowersarefun39 · 04/10/2016 11:15

Well he has promised me more transparency and said he can see what it looks like .if I demanded to see the phone now don't think that would achieve very much as if he was lying he could have deleted everything .i think I'm
Just going to have to see how it goes .

OP posts:
Whatabloodyidiot1 · 04/10/2016 11:48

If there was absolutely nothing incriminating on his phone then he wouldn't be so secretive with it, it wouldn't need to be fingerprint protected etc, so it doesn't really make any sense does it? He's telling you one thing but his behaviour is telling you another, the fact that this change has occurred so quickly is another red flag.
If I were a betting woman I'd say he's got talking to someone online via a forum or Facebook etc and he's having an emotional affair, the amount of time he spends on his phone matches up with the theory, he's probably messaging her and vice versa this would also explain his detachment from you, it will either blow over or you should expect some kind of excuse in the coming weeks as to why he needs to go somewhere for the day or overnight etc without you or your son........

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/10/2016 12:13

it wouldn't need to be fingerprint protected etc

LIt's of people fingerprint their phones. It's basically security on most smart phones these days. Nothing to do with wanting to be secretive necessarily.

isthismylifenow · 04/10/2016 12:32

I hope it is not as it seems, but after going through what I have in recent years, I am a firm believer of 'where there is smoke, there is fire.'

May not be an affair, but there is something odd going on. You know him better than anyone else, being together for 35 years.

I am going to assume he is late forties/early 50s in age? Well I know quite a few men in this age range, and they are all going through 'stuff', yes some affairs, some feeling that they haven't succeeded in their jobs, some doing odd things... probably mid-life crisis.

I wish you all the best and strength to get to the bottom of this.

Emmageddon · 04/10/2016 12:37

I wonder if he's chatting to someone online, not necessarily an emotional affair but has the potential to become one? You say his behaviour has changed as well as the secretiveness around his phone. Unless he is simply a Candy Crush addict and is embarrassed about it.