Is my husband having an affair of some kind

[Flowersarefun39]

I've been married 25 years and we have been very happy and people would say what a lovely marriage we have .But for the last two months my husband has said he wants space and is acting very differently .he use to call all the time etc which stopped overnight along with any affection .He is absolutely addicted to his phone and also very secretive with it has set it so no messages appear on screen when they are received and makes sure the screen is hidden when he is reading it . I know people would just assume straight away that he is playing away but he rarely does anything without me and he works with my son .my son just thinks he is having some sort of midlife crisis and his phone has just taken over his life , my daughter thinks he eveidently has something to hide but doesn't know what . I have confronted him over it and he swings from me being possessive ( and says it just because it doesn't include me) and other times said he is really going to try and be different he knows it's upsetting me .Am I just deluded ?

Well he was spending a lot of time
On whatap but he does work in building trade and I think he does have a bit of
Banter with a few different blokes .I just suppose it's the secretiveness along with the detachment that red flags it .I would say he does seem to be trying and explains is secretiveness as embarrassment . He does seem to be trying to be a bit more affectionate . I don't know I really don't . I'm pretty sure if there is a one it's
Only emotional but tbh I would
Find that crushing too . He doesn't have fb and we have joint money etc so there is no chance of it being gambling ,TBH whatever it is it centres around whatap which he even said he was considering deleting before I asked him if he was hiding /lying to me as he said he gets caught up in stupid dong conversations . He really should have showed me the phone and it would
Of out everything to rest I suppose .

The ongoing secrecy would get to me. Even if he's embarrassed because he plays Candy Crush all day, he knows you're bothered by his recent behaviour so why wouldn't he just say?!

I'm not sure if he's having an affair but at the very least I'd be thinking he's visiting porn sites or gambling etc. It's got to be something he really doesn't want you to find out about.

If it's Whatsapp, then he probably is talking to a woman, you know. If it was just blokey banter with people to do with work, he wouldn't be hiding it from you. I bet he's been having flirty chats with someone - hopefully no more than that - and he's embarrassed that you and the family have noticed how distracted he's been. Ask him!

I think if you know his iTunes password you can replicate What'sApp on an iPad or similar?

I did ask if he had been talking to a woman and he said no and seemed quite astounded that I would suggest it .Short of giving him a lie detector I'm not sure what I can do other than wait and see if it improves which it definitely has a bit

Or you could just ask at a completely random time to look at his phone. If he has nothing significant to hide then I can't see this being a problem.

Ask him for his phone if he wont give it you...you have your answer

If he wont let you see his phone then he is definately hiding something.

Sorry. But to my shame and regret I had an affair a few years ago. And this is pretty much a retell of my behaviour. Sorry OP. I hope I'm wrong.

Just say, 'this is how your behaviour is making me feel....especially the secretive phone behaviour'. Then ask that he gives you his phone immediately and opens the lock for you, so that you can have a look through anything you want, to reassure yourself and put the issue to bed. (Check 'message deleted' boxes as well). He's already acknowledged his behaviour is upsetting for you and if he has nothing to hide he should do this for you.

When I saw a counsellor because of relationship difficulties, they said it's changes in behaviour that signal someone's feelings are different. Something has changed. It may be his feelings towards you, for some reason, or something he's unhappy about in his life, it could be an affair, but not necesarily. Whatever it is, you'd hope he could discuss it openly with you.

Well he has showed me his phone and TBH I didn't really take a good look as the offer was there albeit grudgingly .So now I think I'm going to have to take it as face value as he said I now realise how this all looks and I'm definitely not
Going to be secretive anymore ( although he says that was never deliberate) . I must admit it didn't make me feel great when he said I should trust him. I have felt for a long time that he may have been suffering from some sort of depresssion TBH and perhpas that's why he is acting so distant .
So I will now see how it goes .

Well as you can see from original
Post I thought my husband may be having some
Sort of affair . I am now 100
Percent convinced that this is not
The case .However myself and my grown up children are still very concerned re his state of mind .He has been suffering from
ED and loss of libido for 6 months and will not address it .H e suffers from very severe night sweats and his memory is getting so bad .He won't go to the doctor as he original had one one test back in June that said he had extremely high testerone levels which didn't quite add up but he is unwilling to go again . He really has suffered a personality change and my kids don't really want to talk to him as they have tried and he insists he is acting no different .He has no close
Family so we can't get them to talk to him and of course
Some
Of the symptoms are very personal
.Has anyone got any ideas of what it might be ?

Is he still secretive with his phone?

From you now being 100% sure, I assume you've done some digging to say so. In which case he might be depressed or simply letting an addiction take over.

As it's affecting the kids, all be them grown up, I think he (with you), needs to go to the GP. No need to discuss the ED issue, but his change in personality from your perspective and from the DCs.

Failing that, I can only say to live your life and leave him be. Maybe he'll notice a change in you and it will open the lines of communication again.

He probably has a condition that is just starting out, based on the symptoms you describe, and should see his GP asap but because they are fairly generic he (or you) will need to push the doctor for second opinions if nothing improves. Blood disorder possibly.

I have considered depression but because the night sweats are so bad thinkmit could
Be something underlying .He is quite secretive with phone but I think it's more
Out of embarrassment that he is having stupid banter with blokes he works with and it seems a bit juvenile for a 52 year old . But
He doesn't spend so much time whatapping
And tries o curb his use even if he still uses it more than most .

He acts so out of character nothing drastic but small little things and TBH was hoping that someone medically trained might spot my post and say that's ...... We are all getting pretty desperate .Although our kids are adults they still live with us and it's been so difficult as being a close knit family to where we are now has turned their world upside down . We just can't make him see that he is acting differently .

To be honest if my dh demanded to have my phone and go through it I would refuse! Nothing to hide but would be furious that he thought he had the right to invade my personal space like that. Not handing over your phone, doesn't mean an affair!

Secrecy because of embarrassment doesn't add up.

People always have time for an affair. They aren't always where they say they are or should be. I really hope it's nothing but if he's making you feel rubbish because of how you feel due to his actions then that is all kinds of wrong.

Have you googled his symptoms? I know people sometimes say this isn't a good idea, but that's how I found out I had anaemia, which was confirmed by my doctor, so I think it can be helpful as it might throw up something. TBH, and I don't want to scare you, have you considered it could be early signs of dementia, especially with his memory not being good, and him withdrawing emotionally? You should try get him to visit his GP, just to get checked as it could be something medical.

Night sweats can be a serious symptom. Lymphoma, Leukaemia, TB, for example.

Hope it's nothing like that, but he ought to see the GP.

Could be something medical so try to get him to see a doctor. There are some conditions which spring to mind which involve memory loss and withdrawing emotionally, but obviously wouldn't want to worry you unnecessarily, so the best thing is to make an appointment with his GP. At least any health issues can then be ruled out.

If you can't get him to the GP, go yourself and explain the situation. You aren't asking for the release of confidential information, but stating your concern about these changing behaviours, including the night sweats and see if the GP can assist with the symptoms and help you out.

Second getting him out for tests: I had nighsweats from TB - which I caught, despite BCG at school and a booster some years ago, in the UK. If he's in the building trade, is it possible he's working closely with E Europeans? They don't innoculate in eg Slovakia and Romania, and it's possible he's come into contact with it via work.

So what exactly IS he doing on his phone??

He likes to Google on his phone and he reads paper etc .it is a very bad habit but it is something he has been willing to address for me .However the health issues he isn't .