Can't drive and I feel awful :(

[Pinklady0888]

Looking for some advice.

I'm almost 30. I had about 140 driving + hours when I was 19 and then gave it up as decided i didn't think it was for me!! I have always struggled since being a kid with practical / coordination skills.

After this I went on to get a degree, a high paid job and bought my own house near work and didnt need to drive.

My boyfriend bought a house too after a year of us being together as he felt it was too soon to live together. It is lovely but about 50 mins away from work by public transport. At the time I was sad he hadn't chose to live with me.

Our relationship did progress and we decided we would live together and I would give driving another go. I'm 6 months in and whilst I have made progress I honestly don't think I have what it takes.

I'm really worried that people will judge me if I give up and that I haven't tried hard enough but I really really have. I can do many things but driving isn't one.

On to the problem. We decided I would move in with him, as I would get a car but I don't think this will happen. His house is better than mine.

I will therefore need a lift to work and will get myself back. I feel so so sad that I will limit our relationship by not driving and feel shitty that I cannot do what most people can.

I know people will tell me not to give up, but after 2.5 years of lessons surely I know now and have tried hard?

Any advice or reassurance?

OP, I really sympathise. I passed my test after years of lessons and still hardly ever drive- I hate driving and I find it really hard. I had a refresher lesson recently, the instructor said I was driving fine, I just need to practice. I know that the only way I'll ever improve is by driving every day. But I never will drive every day because I hate it and I don't want to wake up every morning knowing I have to do something I hate and am rubbish at - it would make my life an anxious hellish stress.

So I walk and get public transport everywhere with my two children and it's fine. My 4 year old loves getting trains or buses and the baby is happy in his sling or buggy. Just this Friday I felt stupid walking an hour somewhere with my baby in a buggy when everyone else was driving. But then I looked at the parking/traffic mayhem on the roads outside a school and just felt so relieved I was merrily walking along instead of trying to parallel park in a tiny space in heavy traffic.

So my advice is not to move somewhere where you have to drive. Even if you pass your test you might not want to drive every day.

I don't think he should be pressurising you to move to his house when you feel this way about driving.

Hi! I was in exactly the same position as you. I too am a teacher! I passed eventually after 4 years and six tests. I still don't like driving but have a limited number of routes I can do with confidence. House to school, house to supermarket etc... I honestly thought I would never pass but it has made my life much easier. Couldn't carry those massive bags of marking on the bus any more!!! I think you should keep going, it's the parking that I can't do, not great at judging distances. I do panic less now. I passed at 41, 8 years ago. 😀

I don't drive. It's not a problem for me - though I've sometimes had to organise things to make sure it doesn't become one. I live somewhere with good public transport. I use public transport to get to work, attend training courses, visit people etc. If I'm with DH, he drives.

I have children. They are also fine using public transport and always walked to school.

It's only been other people who have been a problem. I never ask anyone for a lift. I'll accept a lift if offered but if the lift involves being told I should learn to drive I'll never accept again. It's horrible being trapped in a car with someone telling you to learn to drive. You feel trapped and your usual arguments are negated by the fact that you are in the car with her and she is driving you. Judgemental, well-meaning people are a pain, but then they are anyway.

Life is easier once you accept you're not a driver and plan your life according. If your partner loves you, they should be sympathetic to that.

I had loads of lessons. Loads. Passed eventually and never looked back. I found that driving without an instructor next to me was soooo much easier, I could relax once my every move wasn't being assessed and commented on, and found the whole thing so much easier. Yes I make the odd mistake, everyone does, even those who claim to be excellent drivers. If I were you I'd give up on the weekly lessons, weekly wasn't enough for me either, and then arrange an intensive course during the holidays. I didn't do that, I so wish I had I reckon I'd have passed much sooner.

I also think that regardless of driving, you need to move to a third house, otherwise you may struggle to see his house as your home.

Good luck :)

Learning to drive is hard for lots of people. I still don't automatically know my left from my right and I've been driving ten years now. I have an automatic though I can drive a manual because it is much easier. Our car does the gears for you, switches the handbrake on, does the lights automatically, does the windscreen wipers automatically, it has parking sensors and a reversing camera and a sat nav.It also beeps when other cars are too close. Honestly it's like chalk and cheese with the cars I learned to drive in and I think anyone could drive my car as all you have to think about it what's in front of you and what other people are doing, the bits and bobs do themselves.

I'd really urge you to have a concerted effort as it makes such a difference to your independence. After a long day at work the last thing I'd want to do is stand on public transport for an hour when I could hop in the car and be home in 15 mins. I was always told I wasn't a natural driver and I was an anxious learner, driving did not come easily to me. I don't think anyone (except my mum!) has any problems with my driving at all these days :)

I did an intensive course in the summer hols and passed after that on my second attempt. My dh spent hours with me driving around so I had more practice. I did the test in the car we had then rather than the instructors car as I had spent more time in it. As a teacher I am sure you are aware that there are few things that can be mastered in an hour a week :)

I'd also think about bf not wanting to compromise on where you live. Is this usually the case that you go along with what he wants rather than a mutually agreeable situation? I'm sure your house is lovely too and has its charms. Maybe keep yours on and rent it out so you have your own place too. Good luck :)

If you don't want to or can't learn to drive, that's fine. But don't move to the sticks to be with him, you need to be independent. Negotiate for a home together with good public transport links.

Believe me, being stranded in the middle of nowhere, however beautiful or however much in love, is no good. Unless you are independently wealthy and can afford taxis all the time.

Again thanx again for all your suggestions and advice. There are lots of perspectives and options for me to consider :)

Thank you afain

OP you do not have to drive! You sound like me, travel solo around the world, talk in front of 100s at conferences etc. I had over 60 lessons on a manual and a year's worth in an automatic. I passed my test but then only did 25 miles between MOT'S. I do not like driving so I don't. I am moving to the centre of a big town soon so I am even nearer to everything I need. I take taxis (still cheaper than running a car). For the past 60 years I have organised my life around not driving. I manage very well. I run a small business and raised 3 kids.
You can too. Talk to your DP about what you both need to do to make your life a better one. Good luck.

Thank four that's incredibly helpful 😬 Xx

Have you thought about CBT for the anxiety around driving? It sounds like that might be fuelling at least part of it, though I do appreciate the co-ordination, left / right issues would still be there.

I've not read the whole thread, OP, but someone I know failed 6 times. He bought a motorbike because you can ride that on your own without having passed a test for a long time (possibly two yrs) and then took his test maybe a year later and passed. Has been fine driving ever since. He just needed a lot of road experience -possibly without someone looking over his shoulder and criticising.

I know several people who passed their test but hated driving so much that they won't drive. It is perfectly possible to work, raise children, have a social life and not drive. It simply means that you need to plan to live somewhere with good transport links, most likely a decent sized town.

If I were you, I would be discussing where to live with your OH on the expectation that you won't be driving in the future. If he's a genuinely nice, decent person he will understand that he needs to relocate in order for you to live a happy and fulfilling life together.

I've been driving over twenty years. I live rurally and wouldn't be without my car, especially now I have children, but motorways still scare the shit out of me. I've never liked them and I never will. Dh and I always share long journeys so I do have to suck it up sometimes but I'd really hate to have to do it on my own. I'm ok if there's someone with me.

If you can manage on public transport then do, it doesn't matter as long as you've got some independence.

This year my car has cost

£275 insurance
£180 tax
£350 service
£55 Mot
£170 two tyres
£75 diesel a month

So that's nearly 2,000 you've already saved by not having a car like me! Not to mention the near-on £20k it cost to buy, six years ago. I'm sure that would easily cover a few taxis.

You sound much like my friend, except there are great transport links where we live and so she wasn't that bothered about learning. However, she did feel guilty that when they went out as a family or she had family occasions to get to which her husband couldn't make, she had to rely on other people to take her.

She hated driving, was petrified in fact. But she faced her fear and started learning in an automatic like you, she used to cry and be sick before each lesson because of her anxiety and so she decided to do a crash course. She failed first time but she got right back up and booked one another one straight away which she passed. She now happily pootles around in her little car and really enjoys it now. So never say never.

So I wanted to finish this story in case any one else googles this thread and feels like I did!!!

I passsed yesterday!!!

On reflection:
Some instructors just aren't great at catering for the needs of learners who are a bit different - e.g. Coordination, anxiety and you need to find one who is able to think outside the box!!

You need one that is patient. I did tell my instructor what I was happy to do - I knew I couldn't deal with busy dual carriage ways for a while so we didn't. Then when I'd mastered other parts of driving I knew I had to in order to psss the test- so I went on it.

I didn't want to believe this - but most people of reasonable intelligence can learn to drive. It's like anything - for some of us, it really is going to take a lot longer than others - but you might be great at something else.

I did what people said - I took a more intensive route - e.g. 8 lessons in 2 weeks and this was the turning point. I stopped being so anxious.

Pick your test for a good time - Saturdays are good, bit quieter :)

And I suppose - some of it is luck, I had a good route yesterday.

For anyone else that has been terrified over learning to drive and struggled to pick it up - you can do it, I never never believed I would!!!!

Whoop whoop you go girl

Congratulations!

Congratulations. Wish you many years of happy, safe driving

That's a brilliant update op .....whilst I'm glad you passed I find it more wonderful you sound like you have more confidence

Thanks so much for updating

Well done !!
I passed in an automatic as well 8 years ago and would never have made it in a manual.
I am now finally doing an advanced driving course to try and get me onto the motorways, so it just really takes time and patience, we will get there in the end !

I think you should build your confidence around driving & believe you are a good driver.
There is a tendancy to belittle women driving that is so insidious; i suspect this may have something to do with it.
I'm sure you can do it. Try an off road driving course, do go karting, try a motorbike. Get out there!

Oops sorry, op. Well done. That's brilliant.

I think you need to focus on the end product:
'being able to drive myself places' rather than:
'I'm having driving lessons' (and I'm useless).
See it as a means to an end and stop providing yourself with reasons why it's ok not to be able to drive.
Nobody cares whether or not you can drive but it will give you more independence, more options.
I learnt to drive at 26. Hated every single lesson, dreaded them. Once I'd passed my test I was ecstatic.

Congratulations!

OP can you ride a bicycle? If so have you thought about going for 2 wheels rather than 4? A big comfy automatic scooter is very easy to learn on (basically you twist the throttle to go and pull the brake levers to stop. Once you can steer it you're fine. No manoeuvres either!) and would be cheap to run too. Not much fun in the winter/bad weather but you would still have the backup of lifts or public transport at those times.