Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Can't drive and I feel awful :(

106 replies

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 07:48

Looking for some advice.

I'm almost 30. I had about 140 driving + hours when I was 19 and then gave it up as decided i didn't think it was for me!! I have always struggled since being a kid with practical / coordination skills.

After this I went on to get a degree, a high paid job and bought my own house near work and didnt need to drive.

My boyfriend bought a house too after a year of us being together as he felt it was too soon to live together. It is lovely but about 50 mins away from work by public transport. At the time I was sad he hadn't chose to live with me.

Our relationship did progress and we decided we would live together and I would give driving another go. I'm 6 months in and whilst I have made progress I honestly don't think I have what it takes.

I'm really worried that people will judge me if I give up and that I haven't tried hard enough but I really really have. I can do many things but driving isn't one.

On to the problem. We decided I would move in with him, as I would get a car but I don't think this will happen. His house is better than mine.

I will therefore need a lift to work and will get myself back. I feel so so sad that I will limit our relationship by not driving and feel shitty that I cannot do what most people can.

I know people will tell me not to give up, but after 2.5 years of lessons surely I know now and have tried hard?

Any advice or reassurance?

OP posts:

Fairylea · 02/10/2016 08:23

How long is each lesson you have and how regularly are you having them? I really think this is key. Driving once or twice a week for a couple of hours is not enough, most struggling learners won't pass like that. You need to have 2-3 hours of driving at least twice a week to get the confidence and road sense, even if it feels terrifying at first.

To give you some idea of how bad I was - when I sat in the car on my first day of the intensive course after 80 hours of lessons I tried to pull away putting my left foot on the brake pedal my instructor had expected me to be test ready! I really didn't have a clue what I was doing. By the end of the week I was still nervous but driving well. I needed that constant week of doing it.

user1467976192 · 02/10/2016 08:23

Try a different instructor see if that helps I was learning with one and not really progressing gave it up for a year because I lost my confidence picked it up again this year and now I am doing things I couldn't before because my new instructor is a much better teacher

J0kersSmile · 02/10/2016 08:24

I have crap coordination, I wrote a big L and R on my left and right hands for all my driving tests. I struggled for years with what way to turn the indicators when turning left or right. I couldn't ever imagine the angles they tell you to imagine.

You can do it but get a banger or insurance on your bfs car. When you don't rely on the instructor to get you out of situations your driving will improve.

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:26

Thank you Izzy - I literally think that's what I need to hear! I think I just need to have more conviction in my thoughts and feelings.

And you're right - people are trying to help by showing me it can be done :)

Just does cause my incredible stress and anxiety doing it and I'd rather focus on things I enjoy and find easier :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:27

I have a lesson a week this time which seemed a steady option for me. I have a stressful job and work lots of hours so figured one hour would be most manageable?

OP posts:

IzzyIsBusy · 02/10/2016 08:32

Just does cause my incredible stress and anxiety doing it and I'd rather focus on things I enjoy and find easier

So stop putting yourself through it .

Its funny really. Normally if you tell people that a certain activity that you dont need to do makes you stressed and upset plus costs you a fortune people would say stop doing it. However when that activity is learning to drive people dont listen and ignore how negativly it affects you. They brush over the anxiety and give lots of helpful hints.

You will feel so much better if you just accept driving is not for you and the more times you repeat that the easy it becomes.

Bitrustyandbusty · 02/10/2016 08:33

Agree with those who have said to try longer lessons and more than once a week, if possible. That's what I did. Makes such a difference!

bigkidsdidit · 02/10/2016 08:33

I know his house is better but wouldn't your lives be easier if he moved into yours? How much 'better' is it?

BombadierFritz · 02/10/2016 08:34

perhaps a scooter or even an electric bike would be other options to consider if you dont want to buy a new place together? the lift thing sounds like it would be annoying about two weeks in.

BombadierFritz · 02/10/2016 08:34

a lesson a week with no other practice is not enough though

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:35

Massive thanks Izzy :) you've helped me a lot this morning and other posters thank you for your suggestions :)

I agree. This does seem to be a societal norm that everyone should do regardless of how they feel.

There are many things I find easy like talking in front of 100s of people, I can travel anywhere in the world alone and I'm great at writing essays. And I love maths but i know we are all different ... and good at different things :)

Your advice is priceless thank you

OP posts:

LIZS · 02/10/2016 08:35

If you have dyspraxia or similar one hour a week isn't going to be enough to "program" your muscle memory. Could you do several longer lessons over half term for example. Think about the strategies that get you through your working week and whether anything similar could be applied to driving , mantras about the order to do things for example and where to look. If you have a real push and still struggle it would demonstrate to your bf that you have really tried but can't.

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:37

Yer they are other options of how I could get to work and there may be people at work who could give me a lift if they were happy to and I could give petrol money. I agree it's not ideal in a busy morning!

His house is a new build and bigger and he said he couldn't live in mine as its old and smaller - so I do think for fairness we could look at buying somewhere new together in short term future? That would be a better compromise and then I could get myself to work and get around better x

OP posts:

WhirlwindHugs · 02/10/2016 08:38

As someone who also struggles with driving - DO NOT move to his place! The fact that his house is nicer is completely irrelevant if you will be trapped there.

Either he moves in with you, or both sell up and find a third place in a location with good public transport.

Putting yourself under pressure to pass really isn't going to help, I know bevause I did and still haven't passed.

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:39

Is there a chance I have dyspraxia ? I don't know enough about it and I have no difficulties in other areas just coordination. I couldn't do hopscotch at school, learning to swim took an absolute age and I'm still limited to one stroke and I remember not being able to clap at the right points and literally cannot learn any dance!!! Just didn't have a clue no matter how much someone told me!!! But that's never really bothered me

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:41

Thank you whirlwindhugs - it's so hard as I desperately want to b with him but you're right it is going to be trapping for me and I'm scared about that! I will have money available for taxis and stuff if needed but I'm just uncomfortable - I think you're right we need to buy a third house

OP posts:

IzzyIsBusy · 02/10/2016 08:41

No worries Pink. I saw how upset my mum and sister used to get and how it made them feel like failures because of other peoples insistance that they can/should be able to do it.

Mum now has a free bus pass and goes all over the place for free. She loves it . My sister either walks, uses public transport or gets lifts from DBIL. This is not a burden on their life and Dsis is happier so in turn Dbil is happy.

Not driving does not mean the end of independance.

Groundhogday2016 · 02/10/2016 08:42

Would it take the pressure off if you gave up driving completely? And accept that you will rely on others for lifts or use public transport.

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:43

Thank you so much :)

I am used to using public transport and waking and don't dislike it at all. It's a lot cheaper too!

I am grateful for everyones advice and help - a lot to think about :)

OP posts:

Bitrustyandbusty · 02/10/2016 08:43

Izzy makes a fair point, although others are trying to encourage you and focus on the positives, rather than ignoring how you feel. If you do decide that you are not going to continue to learn to drive, then I would encourage you to always live somewhere with excellent public transport links and good amenities within walking distance. Strongly caution against moving and effectively isolating yourself, becoming reliant on someone else's driving for work transport, supermarket runs, and other general life stuff.

Good luck!

buckyou · 02/10/2016 08:43

We do drive but have never lived anywhere near where we work. Currently about an hours drive for me and an hour and 20 for my husband. Can't you just put up with the public transport? Most people who live in London would commute more than 50 mins

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:44

Groundhogday - yes I think it would!!!

I have always been an achiever type personality so it's hard to accept but I think my own happiness and sanity might depend on it!

OP posts:

bigkidsdidit · 02/10/2016 08:46

I think this is a bit unfair of him, to refuse to live in your house even though you will really struggle with living in his and have a longer, tougher work day.

Would he accept moving to a third house together?

Original poster

Pinklady0888 · 02/10/2016 08:47

Thank you rusty - yes I think it would put pressure on our relationship. It's tricky as we've been together a long while and are keen to do live together - but I agree it does sound isolating for someone so independent usually. I think we will have to have a good think.

And buck you - I did think this too. People do commute longer than the 45 mins I would have to do- so that is another point.

All these are adding to new perspective thank you

OP posts:

Groundhogday2016 · 02/10/2016 08:48

Is the commute 50mins door to door? Not bad really.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5