Can't drive and I feel awful :(

[Pinklady0888]

Looking for some advice.

I'm almost 30. I had about 140 driving + hours when I was 19 and then gave it up as decided i didn't think it was for me!! I have always struggled since being a kid with practical / coordination skills.

After this I went on to get a degree, a high paid job and bought my own house near work and didnt need to drive.

My boyfriend bought a house too after a year of us being together as he felt it was too soon to live together. It is lovely but about 50 mins away from work by public transport. At the time I was sad he hadn't chose to live with me.

Our relationship did progress and we decided we would live together and I would give driving another go. I'm 6 months in and whilst I have made progress I honestly don't think I have what it takes.

I'm really worried that people will judge me if I give up and that I haven't tried hard enough but I really really have. I can do many things but driving isn't one.

On to the problem. We decided I would move in with him, as I would get a car but I don't think this will happen. His house is better than mine.

I will therefore need a lift to work and will get myself back. I feel so so sad that I will limit our relationship by not driving and feel shitty that I cannot do what most people can.

I know people will tell me not to give up, but after 2.5 years of lessons surely I know now and have tried hard?

Any advice or reassurance?

Have you tried driving every day? I think if you are having lessons once a week that might not be enough. I passed my test at 18 but hated driving, I just felt unsafe. I didn't drive for about twenty years. It was only after having three children that relying on public transport really became a problem and I have "relearnt". I still don't like it but I feel that I am a safe driver now. However, if I leave it for more than a few days I really start to slip and I hate driving to places I don't know. Have you tried driving (accompanied of course!) your commute? Try it a few times with your boyfriend and it might not be as bad as you think.

I lost my licence recently due to a medical condition. We knew this would happen one day so planned our lives accordingly. I'm also a teacher. We chose to live in an area with decent public transport links and I chose a school that I can either get a bus to or cycle to. Now ds is getting too big for his baby seat on my bike we need to replan his journey home from school but I have an emergency taxi fund for when the weather is dreadful etc. I agree you need to accept you're not a driver and make plans to build your life around this. Good luck.

Oh and there is no way i could talk in front of 100s of people. That would freak me out and the anxiety would be off the scale! So i would not do that to myself iyswim

I have made repeated attempts at getting my licence. On the surface I look like I drive okay but inside I hate it. Hate it so much. I don't think I have the best ability to judge speed and distance so I melt down at the thought of faster roads.
It's such a potentially lethal thing to not do well.
So I've given up. My DH drives so we do have ever a car, and I honestly prefer walking and public transport anyway.
There are already too many cars on the road, precisely because driving had been billed as this essential adult life skills, and there's been such under investment in the public transport infrastructure.

Yes I know what you mean bigkids - we spoke about 3rd house before I learnt to drive and he said he would but would be sad about leaving his new house. But I think he will see if he wants me then we will need to find a better compromise - as it will be hard for me and in turns us.

I think the reality is - we do need a house we've both chose as if I go there it will always be his house based on his preferences etc rather than joint ones

I guess it depends on how much it bothers you long term. I grew up in London which has great public transport so I never worried about learning to drive but when I had children and the area of London I was in became rougher I wanted to move away and driving gave me more options. Where I live now we cannot manage without a car. There are no buses and our nearest train station is 30 min drive away. But I love living here, we have a better quality of life than where we were before. Also as my dd is now 13 and wanting to go out to more places with her friends I find myself becoming a taxi service which is fine by me as I wouldn't feel comfortable with her getting a bus or train even with several friends especially late at night as she gets older. Having a car / driving benefits us all as a family.

I'm not saying it's the same for everyone, we all have different lives etc but for us it really has changed our lives. I think that's why so many people bang on about learning to drive, it does bring you so much more freedoms and choices.

Are you a classroom teacher? The 'high paid job' makes me wonder if you are management/head?

I would move and get a job in a more local school-less easy if you're a head though obviously. How many schools are there within walking distance/cycling distance from the new house? Or on a bus route?

I recommend an intensive course - I tried weekly lessons and failed the test a couple of times. I then took a week off work and went on a course where I was driving all day, every day - it made a huge difference and I passed the test at the end of the week with lots of confidence. Good luck.

What does your instructor say? The right instructor can make a great deal of difference. My dsis is dyspraxic and therefore learnt on an automatic, but her first instructor was useless and really took her confidence away. We switched to another who was an ex-cop who had seen it all and was very laid-back and reassuring, and he made all the difference.

OP when you are off during the summer it may be much easier to do a more intensive programme in a much less stressful time.

But I do agree that if it is not for you then it is not for you. You have nothing to prove and even when you have passed your driving test, if they really exist then a la Taylor, 'the haters gonna hate' or those that have something bad to say will find something else.

Best of luck.

Is nobody listening to the OP?

She actually does not want to drive.
It stresses her out.
She is not confident.
It causes her anxiety.

Its not the car, the length of lessons or the instructor.
She does not like driving and it is people lack of accepting that which is making her feel a failure.

Ground hog - yes even 45 mins on way back. On way there it's more like an hour but oh has said he will take me in the morning. The amount a car was going to cost me I could afford taxis now and again no problem.

Totally can see that fairy how beneficial it would be. And life changing definitely and I know that's why it's such a good thing to have. Ihave always wanted to be a driver very badly. My mum can't drive and doesn't care - we never had a car growing up.

Summer - yes that's also an option. There are plenty of schools around there. I would feel happier getting a new job rather than driving I think !!!

Lots of things to consider and think we will need to consider our long term future so as many of u have suggested we are somewhere with better transport links.

And thank u toast - it's nice to know I'm not alone!!!

I wouldn't live somewhere (except possibly in a big city) where I had to rely on public transport - unfortunately services can and do get cut, especially these days.

Would you be planning children OP?

My friend never learnt to drive. Also a teacher! Never bothered her but now the children need to be places, parties, trips and appointments, she hates it. She wishes she could drive.

Before you give up, try the intensive course. I agree one hour a week simply isn't enough practise at all.
You also need L plates and practise daily without the instructor.

I think you're over egging the failure side of this. You're not failing it. You're not worse than anyone else.
You're simply not putting in enough practise.

Yes I would like children in the future. And I am aware that it does make these things harder ... though my parents did it with me. I wouldn't want my child to feel like I do though later on about driving.

Thank you - I will think about these points. I appreciate one hour is not much and I could have more practice to help

My DH can only drive an automatic. He's clever and good at other things but just not coordinated enough to feel safe driving a manual. In fact neither of us really enjoy driving and we do a lot of journeys on public transport that others would almost certainly drive. I don't think you should feel bad about not being a natural at driving. Loads of people can't cook, or dance or swim, and nobody thinks they're somehow inadequate. You just work with what talents you have. I would say try an automatic, maybe try an intensive driving course, but if it doesn't work for you, then why not pool your resources and find a lovely house in a spot with better transport links.

Thanx jinx :)

I certainly wouldn't judge you for deciding driving isn't for you; it is entirely your choice.

But as you're in a situation where you can't walk everywhere or use public transport and you need to rely on people for lifts then I would perserve with it. I didn't take my test until I was 25 - chronic shyness - and had relied on lifts etc and being able to drive made a huge difference to my life.

There is also a world of difference between driving as a nervous learner and an experienced driver. I was really nervous and lacking confidence during lessons to the point where my instructor said I would never be a confident driver. I recall being envious of a friend of mine who gave me a lift as she just got in the car and drove off without having to think about it. I still had to work out how to pull off at that stage and I never thought I'd be able to do it without a thought.

My driving after I'd passed my test and gained experience and confidence is so different to when I was learning. I've been told I'm a good driver, I'm confident and I absolutely love driving. The difference - experience which breeds confidence.

So for your own sake please don't give up yet. I agree with pp who said 1 lesson a week is not enough. My instructor used to meet me by my house and then my lesson was my drive to work. Could this be an option for you?

If you can pootle around town then you can drive. Roundabouts are about knowing the laws and experience. Try and practice more what you struggle with.

There is no obligation to learn to drive but you can do it and it will make your life a lot easier. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

I didnt learn to drive until i was 33. By that time i had 4 children including 3 yo twins. I live in a big city and getting around was not a problem i just had to be organised and plan. I was much fitter before i passed my test as i walked everywhere

You dont need to drive to have children. Honestly the midwives dont ask for your pass certificate before they let you take your baby home

Driving can make life easier but thats no use if driving makes you stressed and unhappy. I would rather be stress free on the bus than stressed out and in charge of a 1 ton metal box.

Thank you Flower :) a lovely reply and helpful thanks x

How about looking to see if there's an intensive course you could do in the half term break and then take it from there.

You're prolonging the agony with endless weekly lessons that you feel aren't making much of a difference.

Agree with PP - don't move into a house where you can't travel easily to and from.

i did my test nine times....by the 9th time i had got the coordination issues licked!

I agree with others who've said more frequent practice is going to be the key and would also encourage you to try that before deciding driving definitely isn't for you.

Have you ever driven with OH in the car with you? If you have, how did you both find it - is it likely to work or currently too stressful?

One suggestion I would have is that you try spending a week at his house, and he supervises you driving to work every day that week. After that week you may (both?) have a different perspective on your driving, your commute, and whether his house will make a good permanent home for you both. Decisions that will probably feel better taken jointly in part rather than feeling completely up to you.

Good luck moving forward and coming to terms with whichever options end up being the right ones.

I know loads of women who don't drive. And the odd man. Doesn't cause a problem.

If your bf really cares about you he won't want you to do something that will make you unhappy. If where he lives is more important than you then I'm sorry but LTB.

And I've been driving for 19 years and roundabouts still scare the crap out of me sometimes. As does overtaking.