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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I describe a situation please can you tell me what you think?

127 replies

Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 30/09/2016 07:23

DH and I are having problems. The problems are mostly that I'm no longer attracted to him and questioning whether I want to remainin the marriage. I feel guilty and sad for feeling the way I do, particularly when I've always felt it's not his fault.

Something happened the other night that made me feel uncomfortable and I'm really struggling to understand whether it's because of the way I feel (or don't feel) about him or whether it was not quite right.

We were away in a hotel for work (we have always worked together). We went for dinner with a colleague and he was texting me to say I was talking too loud (possibly slightly true, my voice is quite loud, but I wasn't drunk or shouting and was talking about boring work stuff in a moreorless empty hotel bar - nothing terribly embarrassing).

After my colleague left I said (nicely) that it felt very critical being texted like that and he stormed out. He came back a few minutes later saying he knew he was being childish. It was a bit strained but we had a drink in the bar then went up to our room.

He wanted to have sex. I didn't and was going to sleep. He came up behind me in bed and started touching me. I moved his hand (nicely) and said I was too tired. He moved his hand back and carried on. I said I was still bleeding (end of my period) and not really up for it. He carried on and said 'that's no reason we can't play'.

I said 'i really don't feel like it, can we just have a cuddle?'he carried on for a minute or so as if he hadn't heard me then huffed and rolled over away from me..

All night he made a big thing of not being able to sleep. Getting up every 5 mins and sighing etc. In the morning he said 'I had really dirty dreams about you and really want to fuck you'. I still didn't want to and said so so he picked up my hand and put it on his dick and closed my fingers round him. I touched him half heartedly for a couple of minutes then pulled away. He put my hand on his nipple and pulled my head on to his shoulder and had a wank until he came.

i feel really weird about it all.,I know I didn't want to do anything and felt really uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if his behaviour was unreasonable. I'd really appreciate so outside views

OP posts:
WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 22:23

I'm not really sure why you've done a sarky Hmm tbh. What is your problem with that statement (that trying to initiate sex is OK, but not 100% of the time)?

Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 22:24

Grin I think that depends on the couple!

Point is op feels is was wrong and that's what she needs to deal with - it's how she feels about it not us that matters.

WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 22:30

It matters when people choose to spread myths about the law on sexual assault. It's not a grey area, the law is very clear. It's not ok if he's your husband. And it's not ok if he's hurt or confused.

Original poster
Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 30/09/2016 22:47

AF please don't. I really appreciate all the support, it's just a bit hard to get my head round, particularly when there's not entirely a consensus. I really do need and appreciate the support. It's just hard because it's - big thing to get my head round

OP posts:
Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 23:05

Op there is a consensus that you need to get out of this relationship

AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 23:48

If you play your life out on the Internet be very careful about the rhetoric you accept

There are always people out there who are heavily invested in upholding men's unfettered sexual access to women

If all you really want is for someone to validate your current choices, you will get it in spades

Is that really what you get from your multiple threads ?

Original poster
Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 01/10/2016 01:17

No, I absolutely don't. But it's hard to confront the ins and outs of a 10 year marriage in a couple of threads. I know it's broken, but I need about if time to come to terms with that and probably a bit of support in finding my way out - that's why I posted.

I didn't get married and have children thinking I'd end up here

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 01/10/2016 01:18

And I do really appreciate the support. I'm sorry if that doesn't come across

OP posts:
Myownperson · 01/10/2016 07:17

OP it can take time to work out your feelings. I haven't read your other threads but it sounds like an unhappy relationship. Your work situation sounds difficult so this might be irrelevant but I thought for ages I couldn't leave.Then I realised I couldn't leave and keep everything else the same. Leaving meant changes. I reached the point where I realised it was worth living with those changes.

I know this thread is confusing....but maybe only if you let it be. You posted because you knew how you were treated wasnt right. You described very well how you felt. You have described quite clearly moving his hand, saying you were too tired, not up for it, saying you didn't want to, pulling your hand away.....

OP I think you included all this detail because you KNOW it adds up to a very clearly communicated lack of consent.

Superstar90 · 01/10/2016 07:43

Start small and sensible - first get your admin in order - make sure you have access to all bank accounts business and personal and print off statements.
Decide if you would want him to leave or you and the children move out
Make sure you've got copies of anything jointly owned like a car finance agreement
There must be plenty of threads somewhere on mumsnet about how to start the process...
re your business decide if you will split and remain working together or if that too difficult what you could do for a job otherwise - you can get advice re leaving a business partnership but id you chose to leave no one could force you to keep working although there may be financial or other penalties
Best luck and Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/10/2016 07:48

It comes across that you're both really unhappy. I've no desire to support "men's unfettered sexual access to women." However I get from what you're saying that although we all know what he did was wrong, you're seeing it in the context of many happy years. It's out of character.

I haven't seen any of your other threads, but there's no suggestion in this one that your DH has a pattern of abuse. He's behaving very badly because he's desperate. You need to start taking steps to end this. You both need to start coming to terms with the fact that it's over, which will be painful, but not as painful as it is now. I'm not excusing your DH but few of us behave well in the middle of a traumatic breakup.

As you don't plan to report the assault, PP going on about crime is a bit of a derail. I don't get the feeling you posted for legal advice.

SleepFreeZone · 01/10/2016 07:57

I think it sounds really grim. I would struggle to respect him after that tbh.

ravenmum · 01/10/2016 08:29

The last time I had sex with my husband he sat heavily on my chest, squeezed my breasts together and used them to wank between. I got out from under him, rolled over and neither of us said anything. I had initiated the sex, but what he did felt wrong. Like someone said, I felt like a wank sock. My husband was showing that he did not care if it was unpleasant to me as long as he got his fun. In that moment I couldn't have said why it was wrong, but it felt very wrong and different to anything he had done before.

When your husband knew you were not in the mood but took your hand and put it on his nipple so he could wank, I would guess you felt the same thing. Listen to that feeling. He is not confused, he knows that was not a sexy moment of mutual intimacy too. What is confusing to you is that he is acting like this is normal.

TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 08:35

Jesus raven, that's awful.

KarmaNoMore · 01/10/2016 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 01/10/2016 08:48

But still easily described as consensual sex and thus absolutely fine.

PoldarksBreeches · 01/10/2016 08:48

I don't think anyone is advising the op to report him for sexual assault!

ravenmum · 01/10/2016 08:52

I also had the impression that people were just pointing out how wrong it is rather than suggesting taking the legal route.

TheSparrowhawk · 01/10/2016 08:54

Raven - initiating/consenting to sex does not mean your partner can do whatever they like to you.

AnyFucker · 01/10/2016 09:20

For the record my concern for op is not that she is not immediately LTB, nor that she is not calling the police about the sexual assault. I made it quite clear that she needs to stop listening to the inner and outer voices that are telling her that this situation is normal, that she is bound to let her h assault her, that she isn't communicating effectively, that this is somehow her fault, that he is just a man having a bit of a rough time and she should cut him some slack.

Myownperson · 01/10/2016 09:40

Personally I found a mix of patience and challenge is what supported me in making my decision to leave. Sometimes direct comments are helpful.

This thread is so unfortunate and wrong. When I posted similar - but tbh - less clear cut - I didn't get any of the crap posted here. I understand OP feeling confused but i don't know why women think this is ok - or not very nice but not assault. Its really quite depressing.

QuiteLikely5 · 01/10/2016 10:27

What happened is a clear sign that you are validated in thinking your relationship is not right for you.

You do hold responsibility for not telling this man you no longer want to be with him in a relationship.

Sex is what separates relationship and friendship.

Be honest with him. Tell him what he did amounts to an illegal offence.

It's not a case of if but when here. Tell him you want to be friends.

Or understand that if nothing changes nothing changes.

imother · 01/10/2016 10:31

Whatever the legal or moral issues, OP clearly has problems in her marriage that are upsetting her and leaving her feeling used.

To me it sounds like your DH regards you as his possession. There for his convenience and satisfaction - you do his job, service him sexually and you should be silent and unheard - whatever you've got to say, he doesn't want to hear it.

I hope you will decide that you will not allow another person to treat you like this. And, of course, your decision to act on that must be come to in your own time.

A good first step is to gather information. See a solicitor for the legal position, check out house prices/rentals, get all your financial info clear in your mind etc. Don't worry about leaving, just get the information together first. Then, when you are ready emotionally, the decision will come to you.

daisychain01 · 01/10/2016 14:38

The problem at the moment is that your lives are heavily intertwined with both work and home. You can't easily extricate yourself, without losing your livelihood.

I'd toughen up, even more than you have already, and start to get immersed in the practicalities of getting the hell out.

I'd also make it clear to your DH that you can't be in a halfway house relationship anymore. why prolong the agony. In a sense your living and working arrangements can be mixed messages to someone who doesn't get the reality of "Cup Of Tea" and "No Means No" consent.

You have to be really black and white. Subtly and nuance is lost on people like that.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 01/10/2016 17:56

If someone tries to have sex with you and you say no, they should stop. Not badger you incessantly until you give in.
The op repeatedly said she didn't want to have sex at which point he went ahead and wanked off whilst holding her on him. If a stranger did this you would call the police.

An ex did this to me years ago. He actually wanked onto my back whilst I was asleep. After trying to coerce me in into sex. He was verbally abusive to me afterwards as he knew he had done something wrong.

It was sexual assault.