If I describe a situation please can you tell me what you think?

[Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife]

DH and I are having problems. The problems are mostly that I'm no longer attracted to him and questioning whether I want to remainin the marriage. I feel guilty and sad for feeling the way I do, particularly when I've always felt it's not his fault.

Something happened the other night that made me feel uncomfortable and I'm really struggling to understand whether it's because of the way I feel (or don't feel) about him or whether it was not quite right.

We were away in a hotel for work (we have always worked together). We went for dinner with a colleague and he was texting me to say I was talking too loud (possibly slightly true, my voice is quite loud, but I wasn't drunk or shouting and was talking about boring work stuff in a moreorless empty hotel bar - nothing terribly embarrassing).

After my colleague left I said (nicely) that it felt very critical being texted like that and he stormed out. He came back a few minutes later saying he knew he was being childish. It was a bit strained but we had a drink in the bar then went up to our room.

He wanted to have sex. I didn't and was going to sleep. He came up behind me in bed and started touching me. I moved his hand (nicely) and said I was too tired. He moved his hand back and carried on. I said I was still bleeding (end of my period) and not really up for it. He carried on and said 'that's no reason we can't play'.

I said 'i really don't feel like it, can we just have a cuddle?'he carried on for a minute or so as if he hadn't heard me then huffed and rolled over away from me..

All night he made a big thing of not being able to sleep. Getting up every 5 mins and sighing etc. In the morning he said 'I had really dirty dreams about you and really want to fuck you'. I still didn't want to and said so so he picked up my hand and put it on his dick and closed my fingers round him. I touched him half heartedly for a couple of minutes then pulled away. He put my hand on his nipple and pulled my head on to his shoulder and had a wank until he came.

i feel really weird about it all.,I know I didn't want to do anything and felt really uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if his behaviour was unreasonable. I'd really appreciate so outside views

I know that he loves me and wants me. But it feels like he loves me primarily in terms of the functions I fulfill rather than caring about me and how I feel iyswim

OP can I ask was the colleague male or female? Not excusing his behaviour in any way shape or form but could it have been caused by his jealousy of how you were interacting with your colleague?

and before I get flamed because somebody hasnt fully read what I said

I still think what he did was a cunty thing to do

You need to have the talk, don't you? It's disgraceful that he treats you like this, particularly knowing your past. If you can't see that you will ever want sex again, you will have to split up and give him the chance to find someone else (that's how I'd sell it.)

The thing is that if you split up, it's unlikely you'll want to do all his job for him, either. I think you really need to stop doing that. You definitely need to do your own work first - it makes no sense whatsoever to do his first, does it? Is there a reason why you'd do his first?

The company would be screwed if you left, but not if he left, from the sound of it. Is that accurate?

he loves me primarily in terms of the functions I fulfill rather than caring about me and how I feel
He loves having you to service him and fulfil his needs, but lacks the empathy that would make him care about the quality of your inner life

I too think you were sexually assaulted. No is a complete sentence as they say on MN. It's the subtle undercurrent that is worrying too as others have alluded to. What it means at a basic level regarding your relationship that he feels it's OK to do this to you etc. Time to get a plan together OP.

I've noticed a lot of women who admit that they've been groped by some strange man in a club or bar will deny that they've been sexually assaulted because it wasn't some big deal that left them traumatised or hurt. But by definition, they have.
'A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.'
And by that definition, most women will have been sexually assaulted at some point. And yes, for a fair few it won't be a big deal -just some lechy guy touching your bum as he walks past.
Your husband did sexually assault you, OP. He carried on touching you when you'd explicitly told him not to and moved his hand away.

Yes it's absolutely sexual assault and coercion.

You said you weren't interested, and he forced the issue.

He's all about himself, isn't he, doesn't give two fucks what your opinion or feelings are on any of it.

Msstricty, no need to apologise. I guess we all have different views in what constitutes sexual assault, and that's fine .

Both my sex life and sexual boundaries are appropriate and happy, as are my partners.

Op, if you agree with others that this is sexual assault, then I will give you the same advise that I would give anyone else who believes they are a victim of this; call the police and report as sexual assault.

At the very least you two should go your separate ways, life's too short

It's not about mutual pleasure for him, it's about him extracting some use value out of you....reducing you to a masturbatory tool

People are misguidedly conflating assault and violent attack

I think it's unhelpful to talk as if OP's DH is a rapist. What I'm gathering is that he still loves her, desires her, and is trying - in a totally cack-handed way - to get her to feel the same as she did in the past. To regain her affection.

Men often confuse sex and love. OP's description of him as a "horny puppy" following her around entirely resonates with a relationship I had where I lost interest. I was emotionally half way out the door, sex didn't appeal. Poor man, he tried everything in his power to arouse my interest, including lots of sexual hassling. Not sexual assault, just trying to get me interested. It was very sad and made me swear that if anything like that ever happened to me again I'd break off the relationship before it reached the "begging for sex" stage.

I think you need to bite the bullet before things get worse. The longer this goes on the worse the damage to both of you.

OP I've been in a really similar situation. Having my wishes ignored in an almost identical way, giving in because it's the only way to stop the groping, progressing to waking up and having to fight him off. I also have the same history of rape before being married. A more straightforward violent absolutely no consent attack. I confusingly thought that history was making me overreact in my marriage but I think actually it stopped me taking things seriously enough, putting up with too much.

I wonder if that is true for you too? Maybe you are minimising in your head what is happening when actually it feels very wrong.

Of course you could have walked away but something i have started to see is that freezing is a very understandable reaction. He is the person you love. It's a very confusing and uncomfortable situation to find yourself in.

What I found quite helpful was to accept that it didn't matter whether it was technically assault or not. I was not happy, was depressed by the relationship, the relationship was not working. I don't hate him, he was not some kind of monster, far from it, but he did not respect me enough for a happy relationship.

It also sounds like it is one aspect of other problems. If you think about all the things that bother you how does it make you feel in terms of how he values you and cares about you? It might add up to a meaningful picture.

bilboteabaggin I found being touched against my wishes a horrible feeling. Coming to terms with not feeling in control of my own body with the person I have loved and shared half my life with is more difficult than remembering being physically restrained and hurt.

Of course I can't separate fully how my feelings about the later experiences are related to the earlier - but really - why on earth should you have to work out whether you are overreacting to consent issues in a relationship with the person who should care for you more than anyone else.

I'd find it difficult to feel sorry for a man behaving like a sex pest like you describe Prawn.

I read your other threads. I strongly suspect you are only trapped at work by your unwillingness to let him sink. He will crash and burn when you stop doing his job. You've got to be willing to let that happen.

What if you talked to the other directors openly? Told them you are going to stop doing his work because you are seriously pissed off with it and are considering leaving both him and the work. What is their proposal to fix it? They've probably been thinking about it in the background if they know you are doing his work for him.

Prawn summed it up...it's sexual hassling.

Having a wank with op's head on his shoulder isn't 'trying to regain intimacy' it's him saying: my sexual urge trumps you saying 'no'. Even in a relationship with no other issues I'd say this was odd and betrays his thinking, 'I want sex, I get sex'

You've been trying to make it work, but it clearly isn't. I think you should stop the sex every 2 to 3, weeks and don't have a sexual relationship any more. Be fair, it's pity sex to get him off your back for a while. That's pretty cruel really. Don't give him any more mixed messages, it's perfectly clear that you don't want him, so fill him in so that the humiliation of you both can stop. If you have a business together, you can surely come to some arrangement and go your separate ways in a few years time.(Work Wise). Free yourselves from this awful pressure. He hasn't behaved well at all, but in fairness neither have you. Stop the Game Playing, it's over. Own your feelings on this one.

I guess we all have different views in what constitutes sexual assault, and that's fine

The law would not agree with you on that point.

OP, you are being abused and abused by both your husband and the senior management if everybody is aware you do his work as well as your own

I guess no one wants to change the status quo, including you. But how long can this go on for ?

Put it this way: who is the most valued member of your "partnership" ? Clue: it's you and senior management should be protecting you, not turning a blind eye

Sorry to pick out your wording Prawn but what behaviour does sexual "hassling" include? When does it become coercive?
How much could OPs husband do before everyone agrees the lack of consent is an issue?
Pretty sure the law covers sexual touching.

Sorry am reading at work (in a different office today) so it's hard to reply. It's not really the 'sexual hassling' that's upsetting me. It's reasonable for him to want to initiate sex with his wife.

The thing that's upsetting me is that he ignored me when I said I didn't want to and carried on anyway. I could have got up and walked away but he would have been very upset/angry with me and unpleasant to me for at least the rest of the day and probably until I eventually gave in.

He sounds desperate, and the marriage loveless. It will be better for you both if you walk away.

And sexual assualt? FFS, I've heard it all now. Presumably the OP could have moved his hand, or indeed herself off the bed, at any point?

Haven't you read the op's own posts, Dieu ?

Isn't 'you could've walked away' or 'you could have moved his hand' a bit beside the point?? He could have read the mood and stopped. He could have heard the word 'no' and stopped, he could have waited for enthusiastic consent.