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Relationships

If I describe a situation please can you tell me what you think?

127 replies

Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 30/09/2016 07:23

DH and I are having problems. The problems are mostly that I'm no longer attracted to him and questioning whether I want to remainin the marriage. I feel guilty and sad for feeling the way I do, particularly when I've always felt it's not his fault.

Something happened the other night that made me feel uncomfortable and I'm really struggling to understand whether it's because of the way I feel (or don't feel) about him or whether it was not quite right.

We were away in a hotel for work (we have always worked together). We went for dinner with a colleague and he was texting me to say I was talking too loud (possibly slightly true, my voice is quite loud, but I wasn't drunk or shouting and was talking about boring work stuff in a moreorless empty hotel bar - nothing terribly embarrassing).

After my colleague left I said (nicely) that it felt very critical being texted like that and he stormed out. He came back a few minutes later saying he knew he was being childish. It was a bit strained but we had a drink in the bar then went up to our room.

He wanted to have sex. I didn't and was going to sleep. He came up behind me in bed and started touching me. I moved his hand (nicely) and said I was too tired. He moved his hand back and carried on. I said I was still bleeding (end of my period) and not really up for it. He carried on and said 'that's no reason we can't play'.

I said 'i really don't feel like it, can we just have a cuddle?'he carried on for a minute or so as if he hadn't heard me then huffed and rolled over away from me..

All night he made a big thing of not being able to sleep. Getting up every 5 mins and sighing etc. In the morning he said 'I had really dirty dreams about you and really want to fuck you'. I still didn't want to and said so so he picked up my hand and put it on his dick and closed my fingers round him. I touched him half heartedly for a couple of minutes then pulled away. He put my hand on his nipple and pulled my head on to his shoulder and had a wank until he came.

i feel really weird about it all.,I know I didn't want to do anything and felt really uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if his behaviour was unreasonable. I'd really appreciate so outside views

OP posts:
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Penhacked · 30/09/2016 17:11

You're not going to the police with this, it doesn't matter what the law says. It made you feel horrible, upset and disrespected, we can all see why. The show will go in with work. Tell him it's over and start the wheels in motion to end it. Life is way too short to be with someone you don't fancy, respect or even get on with much

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 17:19

I can only echo what the previous posters said. This was sexual assault. It's not a grey area, it's very simple. He touched you sexually despite the fact that you had communicated that you didn't want him to.

Please ignore people like bilbo - they don't have a clue what they're talking about. Many victims of assault freeze or don't feel able to physically stop what's happening, for a variety of reasons.

I think the key thing for you to think about now is what you want to happen. Staying with a man who disregards your lack of consent isn't good for your happiness.

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 17:23

I ended up lying there kind of frozen and trying not to cry. whilst I'm sure that wasn't what he intended I don't think he cared enough about how I felt to stop

Flowers Anyone who reads this and tells you your DH didn't assault you, or that your behaviour was the problem, is a complete shit.

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imother · 30/09/2016 17:33

Yes the first thing I thought of was the cup of tea analogy.

You clearly said you didn't want a cup of tea. He huffed and puffed about it all night. Then in the morning, the first thing he did was make that cup of tea, held the cup to your lips and did the sexual equivalent of pouring it down you when you didn't drink!

He's on the wrong side of emotionally abusive, is being carried by you at work, and thinks nothing of coercing you into sex that you have clearly said you don't want.

Can't you get another job OP? You won't get his agreement or 'permission' to change your life OP - he's go you right where he wants you. So you are going to have to work out if you've got the strength to make change on you own behalf.

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 17:58

WW

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 17:59

Sorry, pressed post by mistake.

WWA...or a rapist. Or a rape sympathiser. Take your pick.

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Yoarchie · 30/09/2016 18:38

Honestly this marriage does sound broken. Could you agree to divorce but still work together? I do think the sex thing is a major problem and I don't really see from what you've posted how it could be resolved.

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Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 30/09/2016 20:50

Thank you so much for all your thoughts. I am reading, but I'm at home now and it's hard to teply

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Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 30/09/2016 20:54

I do feel that what happened was wrong, but I'm not sure whether he knows it was wrong. Objectively I find it hard to see how he couldn't, but he doesn't show any signs and I wonder if I wasn't clear enough.

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Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 30/09/2016 20:55

And I also wonder if I was unreasonable not to want sex

OP posts:
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mynameiscalypso · 30/09/2016 21:01

Of course you're not unreasonable for it wanting sex. Nobody is ever unreasonable for not wanting sex. And you made it abundantly clear multiple times that you didn't want him to do what he was doing. There is absolutely no way that he could have believed that you were a willing participant - I would guess though that he didn't and doesn't really care if you were or not and that's why he's acting like nothing happened.

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2016 21:21

You have read all your responses and you still think

  1. he didn't know what he was doing

  2. you should have just opened your legs

    I have to stop investing in these threads.
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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 21:37

It's very hard to accept that a man who you trust could do this. Try thinking about what you'd say if your friend or sister or daughter told you this had happened to her? What would you say to her? Would you say she was unreasonable not to want sex? Of course not. Would you say it was OK that she was regularly hassled into giving into sex she didn't want? Of course not.

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Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 21:42

I also disagree you were definitely sexually assaulted - he did go a bit far though and poss borderline sexual assault.

You need to end this relationship ASAP though as you are not attracted to him and you are weirded out by his sexual interest in you. Also it's not good he's critical of you.

Think you feel odd as you know it's time to call time on the relationship

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Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 21:49

Ps before I get jumped on I'm only saying it's borferline sexual assault as the op has been in a long term loving relationship - consented and presumably initiated sex over and over with this man - it must be confusing for him why you no longer are attracted to him (she used to want to do this - why not now?) and he pushed issue out of hurt/rejection he felt. He was totally in the wrong and should have listened to you and respected your wishes but I think you'd have a hard time sustaining a sexual assault conviction in a court of law just in this occasion.
Please leave the relationship though before it gets any worse

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 21:55

Whether or not it would be easy to get a conviction is totally irrelevant.

Sexual assault has a definition, and this matches it.

The previous relationship is also irrelevant. She said no. She didn't consent on this occasion, so previous occasions are irrelevant. Or do you think husbands can't rape their wives?

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 21:57

A man who carries on after his wife has said no isn't 'confused', he's deliberately ignoring her boundaries and lack of consent because he doesn't care.

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Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 22:03

obs husbands can rape wives and vice versa. In this occasion he was def in the wrong but think we've all been in situations when one partner is horny and the other isn't - i don't think real life is as black and white as you are portraying www and I'm only saying how a court of law would view it.

More worrying for me is that he thinks it's ok to critise you on text just for being you and that you clearly feel unloved and unheard overall. Plus you are not attracted to him - why stay then?

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user1471470055 · 30/09/2016 22:12

Well OP I think the scenario you've described is bound to make you feel uncomfortable - ultimately your DH is handling your rejection increasingly badly. FWIW It's clear to me he still wants a sexual relationship with you and I disagree that this is entirely about his 'entitlement.' It's actually about his inability to express or fill the emptiness that he's experiencing from your checking out of the relationship, and thinking that sex will 'make it better' - he's hurt at your rejection, but that hurt can be accompanied by anger and desperation, both of which have surfaced. I think you need to tell him everything and either find a way to improve things or leave the relationship.

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 22:16

Wanting a sexual relationship with your partner = ok

Trying to initiate sex with your partner = usually ok (at appropriate times etc)

Ignoring your partner's 'no' = not ok, not even if you're 'hurt' or 'confused'

Hassling your partner for sex until they give in to avoid further harassment = not ok

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Myownperson · 30/09/2016 22:17

I cannot see any grey here. You are getting the legal aspect confused. The law would consider what is described as wrong. The law agrees exactly with WWAs answers. That is entirely separate as to whether a prosecution would be successful.

we've all been in situations when one partner is horny and the other isn't I wonder if this is the problem. Many of us have been in situations like this. I guess it's difficult to face up to how we dealt with that - how partners have felt ok to persuade, coax and ignore. Just because many have been there doesn't make it "grey" "borderline" or any other version of ok-ish/wrong-ish.

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 22:19

Courts are about 'reasonable doubt', superstar. Many cases don't have sufficient evidence to meet that standard.

But the law is black and white. Was there sexual touching? Yes. Did she consent? No, and she told him that very clearly. Ergo, it was sexual assault, regardless of whether there is sufficisn't evidence for a conviction.

Given that the op is not planning to report it, the 'reasonable doubt' evidential test is irrelevant.

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Superstar90 · 30/09/2016 22:20

'Trying to initiate sex with your partner - usually ok' Hmm

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 22:21

Yes. I mean, you wouldn't do it in public (for example), would you?

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WomanWithAltitude · 30/09/2016 22:21

Or in front of the kids?

There are may times when it would be inappropriate.

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