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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's got me right where he wants me, the rancid twat

111 replies

TemporarilyLost · 28/09/2016 09:51

I'm so sorry to start another thread about him, I really am but momentum is building and i need to keep this anger. Sod October, I'm going sober today. One less thing to hold over me.

I got far too drunk over the weekend to the point I begged him on Sunday morning to get up with dd because I was hellishly hungover and couldn't lift my head off the pillow. I do all the mornings but just felt rough on this occasion. Cue 'ffs temp, you know you drank xyz amount last night and it's the last day of my annual leave and your making me get up because you got pissed last night'. I spent the day apologising to him so onto last night I didn't have a leg to stand on. He told me he was popping out to our local to pick up something from a friend and would have a half and be back for dinner. 4 hours later he rolls in off his face, crashing about waking me but thankfully not dd. I pretended to be asleep even when he was being unpleasant to me and he soon fell asleep. This morning he's up and gives me a nasty smile saying 'oh did I forget to come back from the pub last night?' laughs and goes off to work. No apologies for staying out and missing dinner because he knows given my drinking (he's not one for going out on the piss every night) if I was annoyed at him he would have a good argument and come down like a ton of bricks on me.

So in a nut shell i feel like he has broken me down to a point where he is indeed King of the castle and never need apologise for anything whereas im constantly apologising. I'm always sexualy available to
Him and my experiment of saying no a few weeks back resulted in him being unbearably horrible and moody because of my 'denying him' and 'not putting out'. He knows he can tell me to shut the fuck up, call me a fucking idiot, push me (only on one occasion), and get me to apologise for anything without fear of retaliation by me. There is nothing in his mind that he does that is wrong and warrants an apology. I don't want to ask for him to say sorry because he so clearly isn't.

Dd hates him, HATES him. When he comes back from work or gets up on the morning she screams 'go work daddy,!back to bed Daddy' and of course this angers him so she gets more worked up. I don't know how She'll cope with staying with him when I get the courage to leave. I assume there'll be shared contact but she hates being with him without me there, though I'm told that's once I'm gone she's fine and she's just acting up to me. He's not violent to her at all but is strict, far stricter than me and she'll get even worse mixed discipline messages from us when we split.

I've exhausted all my resources. WA have nothing new to add, I've exhausted all of your good advice and sympathy no doubt and when I was given a golden opportunity by a friend saying 'are you safe, are you ok?' I changed the bloody subject!

Ahhhhh! This is all so fucked up and horrible!

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 29/09/2016 22:49

It's possible. When my abusive boyfriend and I split up my mum told me that she'd always had concerns. It took me a while to be ok with that, given how bad it went, but she said she didn't want to interfere.

venusinscorpio · 29/09/2016 22:51

I definitely think it's easier for others to see when someone is constantly putting you down, for example. You may notice it as you're used to (conditioned to expect) it.

venusinscorpio · 29/09/2016 22:52

*You may not notice it

JoffreyBaratheon · 30/09/2016 09:45

Temporarily - people really don't want to interfere. Especially as sometimes abusers use that to create an 'us against the world' dynamic that tightens their control even more.

My best friend worked as a volunteer for years at a refuge for abused women and told me all kinds of stories. So when I found myself with a highly manipulative, emotionally abusive partner, even I knew, in my heart of hearts, from all my friend's anecdotes over the years that I'd got in that situation, too. I'd always seen women in such relationships as somehow 'weak' or less intelligent - how could you be in that situation and not get the hell out? I'm well educated (far more so than my ex), and so on. But, even though I knew what was happening - it happened. And I knew then it could happen to anyone - male or female.

Every single person around me told me later they knew and didn't want to do anything to interfere. Looking back, I'd had (small) alarm bells ringing from the start but a year or so in, I went from having a huge circle of friends to almost nobody - his jealousy made it impossible for me to meet or go out with anyone. Yet that didn't hold true for him, he had to be mysteriously 'free' to meet exes, or travel, or do whatever he wanted. The systematic cutting off all my friends and relatives was the biggest warning sign and I knew it was happening and yet - I couldn't do anything to stop it. And of course that meant there was no-one left close to me to 'save' me, anyway.

It is easy for outsiders to see but I think victims see it as well, although it is hard to believe YOU could be the one targeted and by the time you're fully aware, you have lost all those other people who would normally support you, or your link with them has been somehow weakened.

I kept a couple of friends and as most of my mates happened to be male, I had to keep them top secret so I'd end up going out secretly for a drink with one or two of them, and would have been put through hell if he found out so slowly even those friends fell away. But I also think part of me let him isolate me, to protect my friends from him, and also to save myself having to be told over and over, I was doing something dangerous and wrong.

Didn't mean to vent there just hoping you see something familiar in that.

The day I 'woke up' and walked out - was one of the best days of my life. Didn't feel like it at the time and I realise now, I have switched off all my emotions for many years since, just to survive. But I did the right thing by other people.

I know damn well all my friends had concerns. But no way to really voice them. I managed to salvage a few of my old friendships but with others I didn't try as time went past, I hated thinking those people might look at me in a certain way for the fact I was duped.

I managed to get sole parental responsibility for my kids in court and he was such a dick in court, he managed to get himself no direct contact. He hasn't seen the kids for nearly 14 years. He hasn't paid a penny for them either and now lives a life on permanent holiday (big inheritance) whilst we live on minimum wage in a council house we can barely afford the rent of, living from month to month. I still think I did the right thing. Chances are remote you will get non contact via the Family Courts - I was told less than 1% of parents manage to get their kids protected from an abusive ex to that extent. But I was one of the lucky ones. It can happen.

TemporarilyLost · 30/09/2016 13:13

Skyyequake I'm reading through you're thread and finding some similarities. It's inspirational.

I wish people had told me sooner. I was told last night on one my phone calls that people I don't even know that we'll have been saying things along the lines of 'I can't see her putting up with that for much longer, she looks so unhappy' wtf! Why am I only hear of this now when it was said a year ago? I thought we were presenting a happy front to the world and in turn that I was mostly happy. Do I really look that worn down and miserable to people when I didn't even realise how worn down I am myself?

I honestly thought till very resently we had a decent relationship Sad

joffrey your experience sounds uncomfortably familiar. I'm really struggling with the aspect that I'm pretty sure what's going on now but like you said I'm just living with it. No one in Rl seems to understand why I can't just confront him and let him know how I feel. I don't really understand it either.

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 30/09/2016 13:19

Re looking unhappy without realising - i apparently did. People said that they had felt "my light had gone out" when they saw me socially (which was very rare and then stopped entirely as he became more and more jealous and controlling).

skyyequake · 30/09/2016 14:18

I'm glad my thread is helping Temp! I know for me, the people on that thread are what gave me the strength to leave him!

If you feel your situation is similar to mine then I 10000% recommend The Freedom Programme, it's really confirmed for me that he was abusive, it's not in my head and it's not a normal or healthy relationship.

I felt almost the opposite of you though. I felt like my light had gone out but nobody had noticed. I felt on the outside I was portraying happy and smiley and confident and inside my head there was a part of me banging on the wall yelling "help me I'm trapped and I don't know what to do!" But my XP was all about appearances so played the Model Dad and Partner role very well to the outside...

But it sounds as though you have a lot of perceptive and caring people around you! They most likely didn't tell you because they knew you couldn't see it... And really, be honest, if someone had come up to you a year ago and said you were in an abusive relationship what would you have said? Sometimes you just need to hope and pray that someone will see the light before you can help them... You've seen the light so let people help you!!

Its ok to get help. I know they convince you that you're somehow weak or worthless if you need help, but its honestly not true. Everyone needs help! You think he could do everything you're doing?? Not on your life, that's why he managed to manipulate you into doing it!

You sound stronger now than your earlier posts! Wishing you a speedy recovery from all of his shit Flowers

TemporarilyLost · 30/09/2016 16:17

venus someone said something very similar to me. I thought I was a better actress than I am.

skyye you're right, I would have blown their concerns out of the water and shoved my head further in the sand. Many years ago I remember being deeply offended when one friend disagreed with my others over them all saying how utterly besotted he was with me and would do anything I wanted. I was early twenties and it was very cool to be the women wearing the trousers in the relationship. she said she felt he held more power than everyone saw. Not what I wanted to portray to the world!

I've got the freedom books and will do it online now it's payday!

We are both all about portraying the perfect family and I've taken advantage of this as he'll actually do stuff for dd infront of others.

The feelings of strength go up and down. Got to keep the anger.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 30/09/2016 17:42

It does my heart good to hear you getting stronger with each post. I've been following your freds and this is a great development! Keep up the momentum.

Jeffrey - what a beautiful and painful post! You really nailed it with your description of the isolation.

Temp - I quite agree about whether you were able to receive the information a year ago. But in a way, that doesn't really matter. Your focus and energy are much better spent on the future. Smile And by all means do let your friends and family help you.

Atenco · 30/09/2016 18:30

JoffreyBaratheon I can totally connect with your post. I am almost glad I was in an abusive relationship, because until you've been in one, you don't understand.

And one friend did tell me, but I got angry with her at the time. A year later, when we'd split up and I was going over all his faults in my head, I suddenly realised that my friend had listed them all a year earlier.

SarcasmMode · 30/09/2016 22:04

Flowers to all those who have been victim to an abuser.

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