He's got me right where he wants me, the rancid twat

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm so sorry to start another thread about him, I really am but momentum is building and i need to keep this anger. Sod October, I'm going sober today. One less thing to hold over me.

I got far too drunk over the weekend to the point I begged him on Sunday morning to get up with dd because I was hellishly hungover and couldn't lift my head off the pillow. I do all the mornings but just felt rough on this occasion. Cue 'ffs temp, you know you drank xyz amount last night and it's the last day of my annual leave and your making me get up because you got pissed last night'. I spent the day apologising to him so onto last night I didn't have a leg to stand on. He told me he was popping out to our local to pick up something from a friend and would have a half and be back for dinner. 4 hours later he rolls in off his face, crashing about waking me but thankfully not dd. I pretended to be asleep even when he was being unpleasant to me and he soon fell asleep. This morning he's up and gives me a nasty smile saying 'oh did I forget to come back from the pub last night?' laughs and goes off to work. No apologies for staying out and missing dinner because he knows given my drinking (he's not one for going out on the piss every night) if I was annoyed at him he would have a good argument and come down like a ton of bricks on me.

So in a nut shell i feel like he has broken me down to a point where he is indeed King of the castle and never need apologise for anything whereas im constantly apologising. I'm always sexualy available to
Him and my experiment of saying no a few weeks back resulted in him being unbearably horrible and moody because of my 'denying him' and 'not putting out'. He knows he can tell me to shut the fuck up, call me a fucking idiot, push me (only on one occasion), and get me to apologise for anything without fear of retaliation by me. There is nothing in his mind that he does that is wrong and warrants an apology. I don't want to ask for him to say sorry because he so clearly isn't.

Dd hates him, HATES him. When he comes back from work or gets up on the morning she screams 'go work daddy,!back to bed Daddy' and of course this angers him so she gets more worked up. I don't know how She'll cope with staying with him when I get the courage to leave. I assume there'll be shared contact but she hates being with him without me there, though I'm told that's once I'm gone she's fine and she's just acting up to me. He's not violent to her at all but is strict, far stricter than me and she'll get even worse mixed discipline messages from us when we split.

I've exhausted all my resources. WA have nothing new to add, I've exhausted all of your good advice and sympathy no doubt and when I was given a golden opportunity by a friend saying 'are you safe, are you ok?' I changed the bloody subject!

Ahhhhh! This is all so fucked up and horrible!

What's your housing situation? Can you just pack his shit up and drop it somewhere while he's out? Text him and say your stuff is wherever it is, it's over don't come back? Then put chain on the door and notify the police if he tries to force entry? What would happen if you just kicked him out/left him today? There will always be some excuse not to LTB you've just got to do it regardless. Is this the balloon popping thundercunt by the way?

Your DD's needs should come before his and she sounds distressed. Even if she settles after you have gone (or more likely she doesn't dare go on), it's not normal behaviour. I am not sure contact should be forced if she doesn't want it either.
He sounds narcissistic, I am pretty sure he knows you are unhappy but is turning a blind eye because he gets his own way so doesn't care about the rest.

I'm afraid that I'll break his heart because I'm too weak to even hint I'm not happy so he's living in blissful ignorance of my thoughts.

Trust me, he doesn't seriously believe that you are happy. No-one could believe that the way he treats you would make you happy. The point is that he just doesn't care. So no, he's not in blissful ignorance.

From all you say, I strongly suspect you would be entitled to legal aid, so start looking into that.

Forced consent to sex isn't consent. He is raping you, I'm afraid.

Has he been physically violent towards you?

This is indeed the balloon popping thundercunt!

If I did that it'd be such a shock to him. I couldn't do that to him. I don't even think he realises how horrible he is being as I let him get away with it all.

All children prefer one parent don't they? He thinks she's just playing up to me and that she's fine once I'm gone. They haven't had all that much one to one a I've always done the majority of the childcare and do more fun stuff with her.

Does anyone else have a problem with their young children completely rejecting one parent? I thought it was quite common.

Yes. He is.
You have told him you don't want the sex he asks you for. He treated you badly and punished you for withholding sex until you agreed to allow him. That is not consent. It was coerced. He forced a 'yes' when he knew you meant 'no'.
He is raping you.

It's not common for young children to completely reject one parent. It's common for children who have poor attachments with one parent and experience them as frightening to reject that parent and cleave to the safe parent however

No, apart from one pushing incident resently and many years ago where he put his hands around my neck and implied he would hit me but this was pre dd and he was very drunk.

And slaps on my behind when we are doing it but he probably thinks I like it.

Temp, I have lot of sympathie, it must be really tough.
No children don't tend to prefer one parent. While babies are breastfeeding there is a strong bond with the mother but if dad is engaging, positive and playing with them they develop the same strong bond with their dad. If she was just distressed that you were leaving I can understand it but she is distressed at him coming. She is either picking up on your own distress or he has been unkind or abusive to her as well.
Of course he knows, you have told his sister and it is clear you are unhappy and being bullied/shut up.

In my experience, toddlers where one parent does most of the childcare usually prefer the other parent because it's more of a novelty. So I would expect your daughter to be really excited about spending time with her daddy. Her reaction sounds strange to me and a sign that things aren't right in the house.
Also, I really don't think his sister is the right person to listen to/talk to because she's bound to have a conflict of interest - you need someone who has no connection to him.
Good luck.

Temp I haven't read your other threads I only came across you with on nocapes or skys thread.
You know this is an abusive relationship, you know deep down he knows you're not happy and you know the sex is non consensual. You've seen sky and nocapes get out of these relationships these last couple of weeks. You can do it too. Try to stop drinking, see a solicitor, get all the information you can re finances etc and either leave or ideally get him out.
As I say, I've only read this thread so you've probably answered this before is the house in your name or his and are you married.
Good luck.

Do you think you can channel your desperation and repulsion for him into something active? Or focus on how better off your DD will be if you
separate?

Why do you think you deflected when your friend asked you? Do you think you could talk to her soon again?
WA - what do they say about planning?
Solicitor - have you seen someone? Someone qualified to deal with DA cases? Write something and show them. If there's been coercion or worse they'll be able to tell you what they can do (or not) so at least your options will be clearer in your head.
Could you get a PAYG phone he can't access?
He's likely to try all sorts to keep you where you are. The only way imo would be to go no contact.

Do not speak to him. He knows what he's doing. Of course he'll be devastated, but that's because he'll have lost control and his cosy little life doing what he wants and bullying you. Don't feel guilty for being nice to him, you're doing it for a reason, fear (I used to do exactly the same). I spoke to my now exh because somehow I thought if I did there was a chance he would become a better person and see my PoV. He didn't of course and actually things went downhill sharpish after that.

No need to answer all my questions btw. My point is that step by step quietly continue to build your exit, try not to get distracted by what he's like (I know ... easier said than done) and the fact you give way. He's not clever, really. You deserve better and life can be better afterwards.

Experience of a child rejecting one parent?

Yes. When I left my abusive ex, years ago, our oldest son was around 2. (I had a newborn baby as well). Son utterly rejected him after he left - and didn't want to have anything to do with him, in fact got distressed when he was around. I went back to my ex-husband, who had been my best friend throughout, and very quickly older son insisted on calling him 'Dad', despite being told over and over to call him by his first name - and insisted on calling his birth dad by his first name... Totally nothing we could do to stop him, or put him right.

He's now 16 and still loves his stepdad. "Father is as father does" is how I came to see it. He has nothing to do with his birth father and there were court orders in place to prevent the birth father having contact (OP with this abusive man, you may well be able to sort out non direct contact in the Family Courts)? I have worried since son turned 16 recently that birth dad would start pursuing him but son has the strongest privacy protection on FB and says if his birth dad contacts him he will rip him a new one...

(He paid no maintenance for the whole 14 years, predictably and became a Fathers 4 Justice idiot).

You can do it to him, he's done worse to you and DD and he doesn't bat an eyelid. If you can't leave for yourself, leave for her. You've got to stop feeling sorry for him, he has no sympathy for you. I've never heard of a child rejecting one parent so vehemently but is it any wonder after the balloon incident? Let her be your guide to how you should feel about him, she's got it right as far as I'm concerned.

If you keep "letting" him think everything is fine then that's the way it will stay.
He gets nasty, off with you, moans, complains and understandably you don't want bad feeling so you continue trying to play happy families.

Although it's not is it?

If you truly cannot have a sit down conversation for fear of what he will do (providing he does actually KNOW this) then that is incredibly emotionally abusive.
I understand you do not want a blazing row and he may well be angry if you say you want to leave and arguments do happen... shouting, smashing things, veiled threats (I know from exp) There is a certain amount of upset that does happen, it's bound to. Doesn't make it right or ideal but it happens You sound as if you're petrified of something happening - as a pp said...what do you REALLY believe is highly likely to occur? Not what he has threatened or said he would do. (I know we don't have a crystal ball, just trying to gain some perspective
Oh and I'm glad you have decided to dry up now, this will help you think clearly. It's what you must do, drinking to cope will only make things worse in the long run.
Preferring one parent is a 'thing' for some young children especially towards the main caregiver...in my opinon... and I do see where you're coming from going from what you have written. He doesn't sound like a hands on parent like some people are. I actually do remember the balloon popping thread if that was your post. Ahem, hesacunt again we can only go on what you have written and try not to speculate

Oh and OP, sounds like you have got to the point I did when I decided I'd had enough. Precisely that point. And when you get him out of your life, and some perspective slowly returns, trust me - you'll only then realise the full extent of his control over you, and emotional/sexual abuse. I was badly, badly damaged for many years - still am. Don't accept this any more. Life is short. You deserve an easier path through it.

Also - mine tried the emotional manipulation when I ended it - constantly texting me saying he had the pills lined up and was about to kill himself, etc etc. Yet more abuse and manipulation. Don't even concern yourself with his thoughts and emotions. Put your child's first and don't even waste mental energy on wondering 'how he'll cope'. Emotionally abusive people are going to try even harder to exert control at the point they lose it. Make him lose it.

(He paid no maintenance for the whole 14 years, predictably and became a Fathers 4 Justice idiot).
Ha!
What a cunt.

Sorry I want to uncross hesacunt for the balloon popping.
That's entirely a cunt thing to do.
Cunt.

So he's not letting you go out on Saturday after all? When you say you feel you owe it to him to sit down and talk about why you are unhappy and want to leave, I get that, it's what people in a normal relationship which has broken down would do. However, and I know you are struggling with this, your relationship is not normal AT ALL, you don't owe him anything. He shows you no decency in respecting your feelings about not wanting sex or even just wanting an evening out. You are an object to him, an accessory, nothing more. Sorry, I know that's harsh. He is not sensitive or insecure he is a manipulative controlling abusive bully.

You have mentioned that some friends have seen how he is, you will be surprised once you've left, how many people will say the same once his behaviour is out in the open. They will not blame you or think you are overreacting, they will want to help you. Can you not just go home from work, collect that precious child of yours, gather as much stuff as you can carry/fit in the car and go to your family or your friend that offered to help. They will want to help you get and stay away from this man. I know it's easier said than done, but really, honestly, what's stopping you going today before he gets home from work? Nothing will change until you change it, your new, happy life is waiting for you. Don't make it wait for you any longer than necessary. I guarantee that when you look back you will wish you'd left sooner. Good luck

I'm afraid that I'll have to keep on seeing him before I'm free of him. You won't if you report him to the police & get a non molestation order.

I'm afraid that maybe I've got it all wrong as I'm overreacting You are UNDER reacting, not over reacting.

I'm afraid that I'll break his heart You might hurt his pride, you won't break his heart. No matter how you try to defend him, he's a heartless bastard.

...he's living in blissful ignorance of my thoughts. He's not. It just suits him to pretend he is. He KNOWS.

I'm afraid that no one will ever be interested in me because he's all I've ever had since I was 16. I understand, I was 24 when I split up with my partner I'd been with since I was 16. I was scared. I thought (ha ha ha) that I wouldn't find anyone else, that I'd be alone... it's how you might feel, but it's NOT the reality. Trust me.

I'm afraid of having to sort out our house stuff. Just pack up his stuff, you need your house to stay as it is for DD.

and our rental agreement doesn't end till the spring. You can get his name taken off it. You'll have a few months to see if you want to stay there or move.

I'm afraid that he'll use all the tools in the world to keep me HE can't use any 'tools' to keep you unless you allow him to. There's NOTHING he can actually do to make you stay. Its YOUR CHOICE.

...and I'll go along with it. DON'T. You know better!!

and we'll be in a relationship where he knew I tried to leave once. Yes, that would be miserable, so don't do it.

I'm afraid he'd have nothing without us and might kill himself. Honestly, wankers like this don't end their lives, they look for someone else to control.

...and it'd be my fault NO. NO IT WOULDN'T. He's purportedly a grown man. His life s HIS responsibility, not yours.

I'm afraid of the inevitability of having to see seem in the future because we have a child together. You can minimise this greatly. There are very few situations where seeing them is helpful or necessary. While she is so small handovers (if they even happen) can be done by others. Frankly, I'd move the earth to stop him having contact with her and if I couldn't I'd push for supervised contact

I'm afraid of hurting his feeling. He's incredibly sensitive and insecure under it all. Shame he doesn't care about your or your DD's feelings. You & your DD are FAR more important than his 'feelings'. You OWE your DD to get OUT of this hell that you are BOTH living. Fuck his 'feelings' frankly. HE IS AN ADULT, SHE IS NOT.

He's so bloody clever about it all though. Take me wanting to go out this weekend. I ask if he can babysit dd so I can go out with a friend. He doesn't say 'no you can't, I own you' he says 'oh but it's our only weekend night together and can you really afford a night out' both valid, non abusive points. EXACTLY. He's a nasty, manipulative, controlling, selfish bastard. He KNOWS exactly what he's doing.

He IS raping you. I know you find that hard to hear, but he is. You cannot afford to say 'no' that's not consent, that's control & rape 💐

I have read your other threads. My heart is breaking for you and DD. I want to come over, tell him to fuck right off & stay with you until YOU believe in YOU & until you can protect not only yourself from this abuse, but your DD too. If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your DAUGHTER. SHE deserves more than this. You can't keep placating him at her expense. I know that's blunt and I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say to you to make you see how wrong this situation is. Only YOU can rescue DD from this hell the poor little mite is living.

Stopping drinking is essential, I'm glad you have. Well done 💐

But isn't it scarier to think of this being the rest of your life?

Scarier that you could watch your daughter in 20 years time in the same kind of relationship?

Scarier that you wouldn't be able to have the life your entitled to, deserve?

You and your daughter deserve happiness.

But the thing is he's not afraid of hurting you or DDs feelings so why does he deserve that compassion from you?

You are a better person, yes but you don't have to prove that to him or the people around you.

I don't even think he realises how horrible he is being as I let him get away with it all.

Of course he realises. He doesn't call you a fucking idiot because he thinks you like it, does he? And he didn't think you wanted to be woken up when he crashed in drunk, did he?

But make today the day you stop letting him get away with it. Tell him every time he behaves unpleasantly that he is making you utterly miserable. If he tries to argue, tell him it is not a matter for argument and you are not going to discuss it.

And trust me, he's not going to kill himself. People like him don't. The abusive bastard my sister was with used to tell her that regularly in order to force her to stay. She finally made the break and, three years later, he's still very much alive.

Gingerbread I too want to wade in and help to fuck the bastard off!

Temp I wonder if you are ashamed of being in the position you are in? There really is no shame in choosing not to be treated like shit, choosing to remove your daughter from an unhealthy and possibly dangerous environment.

Please please leave! You can do it! He really isn't worth it, and, as others have said who have been through similar, your life will be fantastic once you are free of this git.

All the very best. We are here and listening