He's got me right where he wants me, the rancid twat

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm so sorry to start another thread about him, I really am but momentum is building and i need to keep this anger. Sod October, I'm going sober today. One less thing to hold over me.

I got far too drunk over the weekend to the point I begged him on Sunday morning to get up with dd because I was hellishly hungover and couldn't lift my head off the pillow. I do all the mornings but just felt rough on this occasion. Cue 'ffs temp, you know you drank xyz amount last night and it's the last day of my annual leave and your making me get up because you got pissed last night'. I spent the day apologising to him so onto last night I didn't have a leg to stand on. He told me he was popping out to our local to pick up something from a friend and would have a half and be back for dinner. 4 hours later he rolls in off his face, crashing about waking me but thankfully not dd. I pretended to be asleep even when he was being unpleasant to me and he soon fell asleep. This morning he's up and gives me a nasty smile saying 'oh did I forget to come back from the pub last night?' laughs and goes off to work. No apologies for staying out and missing dinner because he knows given my drinking (he's not one for going out on the piss every night) if I was annoyed at him he would have a good argument and come down like a ton of bricks on me.

So in a nut shell i feel like he has broken me down to a point where he is indeed King of the castle and never need apologise for anything whereas im constantly apologising. I'm always sexualy available to
Him and my experiment of saying no a few weeks back resulted in him being unbearably horrible and moody because of my 'denying him' and 'not putting out'. He knows he can tell me to shut the fuck up, call me a fucking idiot, push me (only on one occasion), and get me to apologise for anything without fear of retaliation by me. There is nothing in his mind that he does that is wrong and warrants an apology. I don't want to ask for him to say sorry because he so clearly isn't.

Dd hates him, HATES him. When he comes back from work or gets up on the morning she screams 'go work daddy,!back to bed Daddy' and of course this angers him so she gets more worked up. I don't know how She'll cope with staying with him when I get the courage to leave. I assume there'll be shared contact but she hates being with him without me there, though I'm told that's once I'm gone she's fine and she's just acting up to me. He's not violent to her at all but is strict, far stricter than me and she'll get even worse mixed discipline messages from us when we split.

I've exhausted all my resources. WA have nothing new to add, I've exhausted all of your good advice and sympathy no doubt and when I was given a golden opportunity by a friend saying 'are you safe, are you ok?' I changed the bloody subject!

Ahhhhh! This is all so fucked up and horrible!

Also can I just offer virtual (((()))) to you.

Stay safe.

Try and do something fun with DD.

Does she go to nursery yet?

I've read the full thread, and I am under the (wrong?) impression the child isn't in primary school yet. I don't believe children that young do feel genuine hatred, same as the OP is feeling. And many experts agree with me. It's the reason abused children blame themselves, they cannot emotionally process that one of their main guardians the child trust would purposefully subject the child to abuse. Hence the reasoning of most children - that I must be naughty.

I cannot imagine the hell that OP is in. But it does her no good telling a judge her young daughter hates her father because that will just reflect on what she's telling the child.

Oh Temp. I ahve read you other posts and I am saddened to see that you seem to ahve gone a little backward in your thinking.

1. He does know he is abusing you.
2. It is still rape.
3. You don't have to be nice or kind to him (other than to keep yourself safe)
4. Be cautious of involving his family.

I know you must find it hard to imagine a life away from him so I will paint on for you....picture this:

Your daughter is much older now. She is happy and confidant. She no longer has to share a home with someone she hates. You have delt with your drinking issues (bcause it is easier to do so out of a toxic environment). You have friends who you can see any time, without needed anyone's permission. You may have a new partner. One who respects you. But most of all your body belongs to you and only you. Wouldn't that be bliss???

Yes-you need to get away for your own sake. Yes, it will be easier to address your drinking when you are out.

What no-one is addressing though is that without actual proof of child abuse he is likely to be given contact with the child without OP present.

Anyone got any suggestions about that. ( I want to address OP's concerns but also asking for my own reasons).

Argh. Twice now i have written out along post and it has failed so I'll try a shorter one.

I was in a similarly sexually controlling relationship aged 14 to 17. Like you i just thought that was how relationships were. Took me ages to accept that it was abuse even when i would give in (after ages of guilt and pestering) and just disengage. I didn't think saying no was even an option (sounds ridiculous now). The first time I did say no, he did it anyway. Then told me I made him feel bad. 'Your mean because now you have made me feel like I've raped you' that's what he said while holding a knife to his throat. So if course I apologized but feel down I had finally understood.

Please please find a way out of his.

I've caught up now.
abyssinian quite the opposite. I'd never secretly fill dd with hate for her dad. I've tried hard to improve their relationship if anything. Sometimes she is happy with him and I hope she doesn't hate him. She just acts this way a lot.

I missed the deleted posts but from what I can gather it's about my drinking. I don't have a leg to stand on there and feel terribly guilty. Onwards and upwards with the sober plans.

sarcasm you have a way with words. There's something you posted in anger on my first thread about this situation that I've repeated like a mantra when he's upset me! She does a few nursery days but this afternoon we just made the most of the unseasonal sunshine in the garden.

wings that's so awful and very brave of you to have posted it. My partner used to say similar things about it feeling like rape and would be pissed off if I just lay there or if I started crying so for years I've made an effort to seem enthusiastic whether I am or not. Maybe it's because its damaging to his ego.

baldrick apart from him shouting at her there's been no other abuse directed her way and although it's not ideal I can't see anyone getting worked up over it when children get smacked and worse. He knows any physical punishment like smacking her would be game over for him. I have some boundaries.

Glad you came back temp.

How are you feeling X

I think if he applies for contact he's likely to get it. The balloon bursting was very nasty but the bar is set very low when awarding contact. Its something to bear in mind.

I'm ok thanks. I've calmed down which isn't necessarily a good or constructive thing in this situation.

I'm sober though, hurrah! Lidl do a great range of tea pigs rip off fancy tea so making my way through those instead of a bottle.

I'm absolutely sure we would share contact. In a way I hope it'd be the case as I want them to have a good relationship.

gingerbreadlatte I'm sorry, I forgot to thank you for your wonderful and constructive post answering all my fears earlier. It was a comfort.

I hope I didn't upset you with said anger posts.

But it just shows you how angry a stranger can be on your behalf.

My ex when I was 17 used to cry if I didn't want sex, or to just spend time with him, not friends.

He had a fierce temper. I'm a feisty woman but he always made me feel vulnerable.

He was a bit forceful with sex in that he would hold me down without hurting me or just constantly pester.

It was exhausting and has left sex a confusing and bittersweet thing with me.

But after the end of the relationship about 9 months after I felt so elated I didn't have to watch every thing I said and did.

I just hope so much whether it's tomorrow or next year, you get yourself away and be freed.

Morning Tepm. Hope you managed some sleep. We are still here for you.

Fwiw I had a drink problem. One that disappeared when my ex did and a stint on the dry thread
I used to self soothe using alcohol. Its probably more common than you think all you goady fuckers

Today's steps forwards: seeing CAB, I have told my partner I am going out on Saturday night and will just deal with the moodiness it creates. Got some more paperwork together and I had a peaceful sober night.

sarcasm you didn't upset me at all. I think you offered to punch him or something and said some words that reduced him to dust!

I hope my drinking disappears when the relationship ends. That'd be great.

I'm ok today. Lots of proactive jobs to be getting on with.

I'd quite like to give him a smack- I bet he wouldn't like a female standing up for themself.

I hope you and DD have a good day today.

Temp. 💐

Well done on replacing the bottle with look-a-like Tea Pigs. Hopefully you'll keep that up. Apart from anything else (like a clear head & nicer skin 😁) it'll be good that he can't hold that over you.

Are you going tm the CAB today?

I love the expression 'rancid twat'

Good for you, temp

Things are still building and building. I spoke quite candidly to a Rl friend again today. I told her specific examples of things that have happened. All major paperwork is in one place.

I've been to the CAB and am entitled to more than I thought (in or out of our relationship).

I'm definitely seeing my different friend on Saturday and will not hide the truth.

On the downside my bloody empathy is playing up again and every pleasant, chatty conversation I have with Dp over the phone (working loads so haven't actually spent time with him for almost two days) makes me feel treacherous. He's nice to be around when he's not around IYSWIM .

He has manipulated and gaslighted you for years. Of course you will find it difficult to process how abusive he is and square it with how he is when things are going well. But they aren't, are they? The steps you are taking are so positive, well done!

Been lurking on this thread, I'm hoping you get all the support you need temp. The hardest bit is actually leaving.

Empathy is what makes you a lovely person- never lose it.

If you truly feel he has something good in him then your empathy

Oops empathy should go to wanting him to leave to sort himself out. If you stay the same he will never improve.

Maybe when you have left, a few years down the line with help he could be a great Dad to DD. But for that to happen you need to move to desperate yourselves.

He's been a disgusting bastard and maybe he will always be that way, but whichever way you need to pull yourself away from this.

If you want my email or FB if need a RL friend just let me know.

Another one here to hold your hand and cheer you on from the sidelines.

Two things, you are making progress, all these small steps in preparation for getting rid are what will give you the strength to actually do it in the end. When you feel hopeless and like you're not getting anywhere look back over what you've achieved and see every little step for what it actually is, you moving closer to being free.

Secondly, stop trying to think for him and predict what he might do or feel about you leaving him. Partly because you can't, we can never know what goes on in someone else's head and partly because it isn't your responsibility to 'manage' his thoughts, feelings or behaviour. You do it because he has trained you to put him before yourself, to consider his feelings and reactions about everything you do and say. That's not normal or healthy, it's the result of manipulative and abusive behaviour on his part. Above all remember that he has not earned and does not deserve your empathy, do you think he has empathy for you when he's steamrollering over your feelings, wishes and right to decide what happens to your body and your life?

Just keep inching forward, we're right behind you and will help pick you up if you stumble along the way

Another honest (almost) conversation with someone else. This is happening. Shit! Jokingly talking about just me and dd moving. No one is surprised when I talk this brutally or honestly about our relationship. We're people just waiting for me to wake up?

Ahem, were people just waiting...
Spelling and grammar fail... Again.

Sometimes it is very obvious to the outside world. Especially if someone has been through it, or seen a loved one go through it. Remember 1 in 4 women experience domestic abuse, so chances are your friends have already known someone go through this and saw the same warning signs with you!

I know everyone has seemed very shocked when I've told them about XP. Everyone except my NDN who was in an abusive relationship a number of years ago herself.

But this does go to show how much he has addled your mind, that the people who only see the aftershocks and not the main events, notice when you have not. This isn't you being blind or anything, they play us like this. They deliberately confuse and manipulate us till we think we've gotten it all wrong, or that it was our fault, or it wasn't as bad as we're saying it was. Keeping us in the dark is how they control us... Now you're "waking up" as you say, he loses some of that control, and that's all you need to break free from it completely