Page 5 | Just had a phone call

fivetosix · 2016-09-22T08:14:59+00:00

Just had a call from STBX to tell me he's spoken to a solicitor to get the ball rolling regards divorce. It was then followed by a barrage of abuse saying that the only interests I have in life are taking selfies [hmm] and sticking my nose in other people's business. That the only person I had left in life has been driven away because all I do is look for his faults and that I am going to be a nobody in life [sad] We are splitting after 12 years of marriage, a marriage full of what to me felt like emotional abuse, but he says it's not abuse it's just him telling me the truth nah me not being able to handle it. I have no surviving parents, am an only child and have no relationship with extended family such as Aunties. The GP prescribed me with Fluoextine on Tuesday for severe anxiety and has referred me for counselling. I can feel my heart pounding from the moment I wake on a morning, and listening to him speak like that to me has made me feel like the pits again. I have lost all interest in my hobbies, and whilst he proclaims himself as the next big entrepreneur with a wide circle of family and friends that love him, I can't help but feel like a failure because other than my kids, I have nobody and nothing [sad]

Original poster

fivetosix · 25/09/2016 21:08

Yes- I was told I would qualify and it was on that basis that I went ahead. I stood my ground with both the firm and the legal aid company after it all. The solicitor I was appointed with originally had left by that point and someone else had been given my case.

I am based in Leeds. I have been told that based on circumstance I may be entitled to a refund of the £550 for the divorce proceedings. I never thought to mention legal aid at the half hour advice session I had because of the last saga

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springydaffs · 25/09/2016 21:39

Sounds like a clerical error the first time. They didn't send an apology because they're lawyers, remember. Do you still have the correspondence?

Don't worry about, it is the bottom line.

ooooh I'm so looking forward to you flaying him alive getting your dues.

springydaffs · 25/09/2016 21:39

That comma migrated.

Original poster

fivetosix · 25/09/2016 21:41

To be honest, I'm not sure if I do We have moved house since then and I think I binned it to try and get rid of the bad memories. I obviously binned the wrong bastard bad memory

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Original poster

fivetosix · 27/09/2016 18:03

DS has just shown me STBXs profile on FB. On his check in post showing he was off on holiday, there are so many people commenting 'have fun, you deserve the rest and relaxation', yet I'm the one here trying to hold myself together with the emotional scars of the past 12 years. He has portrayed himself to be this big successful alpha male to everyone yet beaten me down to a pulp.

Just when I had a proud moment today thinking how well I was doing holding it together, and now this is just like one huge kick in the face. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be care free and I deserve for people to know what a twat he has been to me, yet I have nobody calling to see if I'm holding it together. One friend even posted a video on his page of 'why it's better to be single than married'. It's just one big fucking joke to everyone else though isn't it

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2016 18:30

Think about it this way. One of the things that feeds his ego is his control over you. You are taking that control away from him. Whatever, he tried he couldn't break you because you are stronger than him. Once you are away from him then you don't even need to listen to him anymore.
Yes you absolutely deserve to be happy. You know that those friends who are posting messages are not real friends they are as superficial as he is. They clearly don't know him at all. He doesn't have any real friends and he never will because his public face is a complete fiction.

You are so much more than he will ever be. [hugs]

Original poster

fivetosix · 27/09/2016 18:32

Thank you Chazs. I needed to hear that. Something. Anything. I've never felt more alone

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ddrmum · 27/09/2016 18:53

Be proud of yourself - you're a fab mum & you're doing great! Enjoy the peace and tranquility of him not being there & collect all the info you need. You deserve a bright future full of happiness

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/09/2016 19:57

It's also normal to have a bit of a slump when the adrenaline wears off. You've have spent so long on constant alert that it's not surprising you might have a bit of a crash landing now.
Avoid social media, you really don't need to share in whatever crap he is posting now (and you know it for the bullshit it is). Following his antics is a bit like picking a scab, you can't heal whilst you keep doing it.
Allow yourself the time and space to process your emotions which are likely to be a bit up and down for a while. Be kind to yourself you've had a really tough time and need to recover and rebuild your sense of who you are.

user1474193901 · 27/09/2016 21:02

OMG fivetosix! Have we the same STBEXH? They sound like they went to the same school of Narcissistic bast*rds!

user1474193901 · 27/09/2016 21:03

You're not alone sweetie... We are all here for you. You doing so well. Be proud of yourself. Look how far you've come.

Original poster

fivetosix · 27/09/2016 21:31

He has just facetimed the kids from his parents home in Istanbul. His voice grated me. I could hear his Mum and literally sat there grinding my teeth.

I kept myself upstairs whilst they spoke. I'd give anything for him actually to never return. The only decent people in that family are his sisters because they know what a twat he can be. However, at the end of the day, blood will always be thicker than water.

I can do this. I can be strong. I am getting there. My kids and I are so much more relaxed now he isn't here. Yes, they love their Dad, but I can feel the change in dynamics already. Now to find the best part of £5K for a lawyer

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keepingonrunning · 27/09/2016 22:12

Hi OP, I've just RTFT.
He cannot understand that whilst I see his words as belittling and abusive, he seems to think he's only telling me the truth and I am too sensitive.
Yes he can understand, it's all deliberate.
He also believes I cheated on him whilst I was on holiday
Classic projection. He wouldn't be a true narc if he hadn't shagged numerous OW in your 12 years together.
^He has told me that I would be wise to agree with him financially.
He said I won't get any fairer^
Don't believe a word he says. There's a joke, how do you know a narc is lying. Because their lips are moving.
Work on the basis that he will fuck you around over maintenance
YY. Contact the Child Maintenance Service and opt for collect and pay. He will avoid paying at every opportunity, even if it's just to get a reaction out of you.
Can you get an extra lock put on your front door so he cannot get in whenever he wants and you can feel safer.
I want to punch the bastard in the face
I completely understand the feeling but be aware a narc will try to provoke you to the point of breaking the law, like Helen Titchener in The Archers. Keep your distance emotionally and physically. Have you read about going grey rock?
He has portrayed himself to be this big successful alpha male
Narcs care deeply about their image management.
He never loved you or your children, he doesn't have the capacity. Your children are vulnerable to his emotional and psychological abuse too. Keep their passports secure and get legal advice on the possibility of preventing him taking them out of the country. He is your enemy, do not underestimate the games he will play to win at all times.

Original poster

fivetosix · 27/09/2016 22:27

keepingonrunning Thank you. Thank you so much. For years I believed I was imagining it all, that the wrongs in our marriage were my doing, and that it was worth putting up with it because we did have our good days.

Now I can't even bare the sound of his voice, never being in a marriage with him. As he is overseas at the moment, I'm in my little bubble and nothing can burst it at the moment- I am relaxed and more calm (maybe the Fluoxetine, but today is only day 8?), and as a result, the kids are happier.

It's when he comes back that things will start to take pace. I am angry with myself for letting it get this far, for not standing up for my rights, and for letting him beat me as low as he has done. I'm not a bad person. I have survived a lot in my 31 years- sexual abuse when I was 7, losing my dad at 16, almost losing my son at birth at 22, and losing my Mum just three months later. I just need a hand to hold every now and then

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keepingonrunning · 27/09/2016 22:54

These toxic people prey on kind, sensitive souls and capitalise on wounds they've already suffered in life. That's how we already know you are not a bad person.
Like you say, you're a survivor. I'm very sorry you have learnt the hard way what crap you will not tolerate for a second in another relationship. You were so unlucky to ever cross paths with this man. Unfortunately there are quite a lot of them about.

Original poster

fivetosix · 28/09/2016 11:42

I only wish I had concrete proof that he has cheated on me. Would it fix things? No. would it make me feel better? For some reason, yes and more to the point it would put him back in his place.

I would love nothing more than having something solid that I could use as ammunition against him. EA is just his word against mine.

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keepingonrunning · 28/09/2016 13:15

With narcs your gut feeling is your proof. Even if you caught him in the act, which is highly unlikely, he would deny it. They are unbelievably skilled at mind games and deceit and hiding the truth.
Have confidence in your own mind. Let your need for tangible proof go. Don't doubt your own mind. You know he's a narc, therefore you know he's been cheating. The whole time.
I repeat, with narcs your gut feeling is your proof.

Justaboy · 28/09/2016 22:31

fivetosix A hand to hold?, with that lot i expect you do and several of them!

I think that the sooner this is all over the better you'll be and feel.

Don't get too worked up about it just try to see it in a more shall we say "Clinical" fashion. Try to put out of your mind things like who he might have misbehaved with that's only clouding the issue now. You about to start a battle, psych up yourself for that and look after your interests.

I expect a tougher approach from you will unsettle his err "alpha ,male" ism!

Get the solicitor on your side and behind you and go for it.

Original poster

fivetosix · 29/09/2016 14:32

I love the person I have become since he had gone. I am relaxed, calmer and happier. I make the effort to say hi to people and engage, whereas before my head would be in the clouds because of something he had said or done.

I have a dance with the kids this morning getting ready for school. We were all in fits of giggles, whereas before I would always be shushing them so they didn't wake him up. Last night I was tucked up in bed by 9.30 and I didn't have anybody telling me I couldn't. This afternoon, I'm taking the kids for pizzas.

It's then when I realise that I've got a big black cloud looming in the form of him when he returns. I never knew I could hate someone as much as I do. This is the father of my children, but at the end of the day, that is all he is to me now.

I can't believe I never realised he was a typical narcissistic male. It's true when they say they are nicer to all around them but the partner gets the brunt of it. I used to live in fear of him. I think to a certain extent I still do because of previous threats he has made about being able to finish me financially. I don't have much as it is, and with having no family to support me, he knows that I have believed every word he has said.

I have come this far and will never go back. I just hope I find the strength to plough on.

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Original poster

fivetosix · 29/09/2016 14:32

I love the person I have become since he had gone. I am relaxed, calmer and happier. I make the effort to say hi to people and engage, whereas before my head would be in the clouds because of something he had said or done.

I have a dance with the kids this morning getting ready for school. We were all in fits of giggles, whereas before I would always be shushing them so they didn't wake him up. Last night I was tucked up in bed by 9.30 and I didn't have anybody telling me I couldn't. This afternoon, I'm taking the kids for pizzas.

It's then when I realise that I've got a big black cloud looming in the form of him when he returns. I never knew I could hate someone as much as I do. This is the father of my children, but at the end of the day, that is all he is to me now.

I can't believe I never realised he was a typical narcissistic male. It's true when they say they are nicer to all around them but the partner gets the brunt of it. I used to live in fear of him. I think to a certain extent I still do because of previous threats he has made about being able to finish me financially. I don't have much as it is, and with having no family to support me, he knows that I have believed every word he has said.

I have come this far and will never go back. I just hope I find the strength to plough on.

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Justaboy · 29/09/2016 17:04

threats he has made about being able to finish me financially

This is why you need good legal representation.

And you can see now there is light at the end of the tunnel and it isnt the oncoming train:-)

SangtheSun · 29/09/2016 19:43

Just responding to what you said, op, about wishing you had concrete proof he had cheated on you.

I'm in the process of divorcing my narc ex. Much of what you've posted resounds with me.

When he left he swore it had nothing to do with OW, he claimed that was all over months before.

I unexpectedly visited the city he is now living in and saw them both together. They walked past me so close I could have reached out and touched them. Ex spotted me and looked horrified. OW scurried off into the crowd and ex stopped to speak to me. He was so shocked at my unexpected appearance that he could barely speak.

But when he did, he swore OW hadn't been there. Minutes before I'd seen her with my own eyes, about 2 feet away from me. He kept to that claim and probably even believes it himself.

A narc will lie, deny, twist and manipulate. Go with your own truth.