Just had a phone call

[fivetosix]

Just had a call from STBX to tell me he's spoken to a solicitor to get the ball rolling regards divorce. It was then followed by a barrage of abuse saying that the only interests I have in life are taking selfies and sticking my nose in other people's business. That the only person I had left in life has been driven away because all I do is look for his faults and that I am going to be a nobody in life

We are splitting after 12 years of marriage, a marriage full of what to me felt like emotional abuse, but he says it's not abuse it's just him telling me the truth nah me not being able to handle it.

I have no surviving parents, am an only child and have no relationship with extended family such as Aunties. The GP prescribed me with Fluoextine on Tuesday for severe anxiety and has referred me for counselling. I can feel my heart pounding from the moment I wake on a morning, and listening to him speak like that to me has made me feel like the pits again.

I have lost all interest in my hobbies, and whilst he proclaims himself as the next big entrepreneur with a wide circle of family and friends that love him, I can't help but feel like a failure because other than my kids, I have nobody and nothing

EA is horrific, grinds self esteem down to nothing. But you can do this, you have your kids and I'm sure they are proud of you already. You're their mum!

I won't say ignore the crap because I know how hard it is but he is wrong. Can you communicate just through email/text? That way you don't have to listen to his crap and you have written proof of it.

Virtual hug from me. You can do this.

He's clearly a sad and miserable little man who is terrified, and I mean terrified, of you actually getting by without him. Abusers actually need their victims - how else are they going to feel powerful and superior? But victims certainly don't need their abusers. He needs you,he needs to bully you, and he knows that this is ending so he's desperately trying to keep that back.

You actually have all the power here. He can't make you feel inferior without your consent and he can't feel good unless he's bullying you. Deny him that and see what happens.....

"tell me, who is the cleverer one, me or you?"

"Well, if you need me to tell you then it's obviously not you, is it? Plus I'm shot of you now so I'd say its definitely me."

Hi, one day you are going to look back on that phone call and remember it as the point that you started living again. Living the life you really want to. He has obviously ground you down and chipped away at you but the fantastic news is that is you are soon to be free of him. From what I've heard cbt is probably the best type of counselling for moving forward as it focuses on what you will do differently and how to cope with anxiety rather than getting bogged down in the pain of the past. If you want a good book I wood recommend Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. When I first read it I was going through a very dark time and the concepts seemed so alien to me but I was desperate and I honestly found it life changing. It was like my bible for about 2 years and I still go back to it now. It's so hard to go through these times but you have had such a lucky escape, imagine if you had been stuck in this relationship for the rest of your life! I would be getting excited if I were you, start thinking of all the things you have to look forward too.

your value does not lie in how many people you know, or your upbringing, or how much you earn, or possess. you are a valuable person in your own right. you are the most important person in your kids lives. that is something that is incredible.

I suspect without him around you are going to be in a much better position to make friends, and make a space for yourself in life. and give him the big fuck off

Try Martha Beck's 'finding your own north star' it's good and she is a funny author. She has a blog too.

(((HUG)))). I'm not your Mum, but it's a mumsy hug x

He's an insecure little twat who needed to control you & make you feel shit so he could weild the power & feel like 'The Big Man'. Simpering little idiot. He's taken advantage of you not having a strong family to tell you to leave him. He's taken advantage of your kind nature & vulnerability. It HAS to stop here. It really does.

You are worth a hundred of him and don't let him keep making you feel otherwise.

Share a solicitor?! Don't make me laugh. You need, what's called around here, a SHL - shit hot lawyer.

The best reading you can do is the Relationship board threads by people who are out the other side of this & are so, so happy, confident, living wonderful, happy, lives.

You can be one of those too 💐

Up until now, I have been fed with the bull that he isn't being abusive, that he's telling me how he feels and I am too sensitive. However, he has no right in the slightest to make me feel like this and I guess it hurts that I was never really worthy of any real love from him.

I am holding out for karma doing her job. I don't know how or when, but I am looking forward to that day.

I bought myself a 5 year journal in which I write snippets from each day to help me see how I am changing (for the better) over time. At the moment, it's a case of getting through one day to the next. I do feel lonely, but I know it's in my hands to change that. I just keep telling myself 'baby steps'.

I once asked him to go to counselling but because he told them that he didn't think he had a problem, there was nothing they could do for him He can now be someone else's problem.

Don't engage with him. Don't think of clever answers to give to him. He gets some of his power by provoking a reaction in you so don't give him the satisfaction of getting one. If he phones listen to any factual information he has to give you then say "Ok, I've heard you, got to go" and hang up. You don't have to listen to him go on. You don't owe him the courtesy of listening to his toxic crap.

Your replies have made me both laugh and bring a little tear to me eyes. I know I'm
not alone thanks to you all.

He sounds awful! He doesn't appreciate your contribution to the family unit at all. He only values money and status, the shallow fool he is.

I value kindness, team work, thoughtfulness, consideration and love. A persons job and financial equity does not give them status in my eyes. You could be as poor as a door mouse but if your heart is huge, you're my kind of person.

I value kindness, team work, thoughtfulness, consideration and love. A persons job and financial equity does not give them status in my eyes. You could be as poor as a door mouse but if your heart is huge, you're my kind of person

^^ this in spades

You are at a low point now, but low points don't last forever. Without someone putting you down all the time, you just might have the chance to blossom and make satisfying new connections. I think it is likely you will look back on this as the turning point in your life where things got better. Divorce is horrible, you are about to go through a gauntlet of emotional endurance. But you can do it. You will get out the other end. You have a lot to look forward to. It's a cliche, but you really are better off without him.

OP let's remove all emotion about this and be pragmatic. You're getting divorced. The person you're getting divorced from is realistically the last person on earth to look to for praise, encouragement and nice platitudes. He's being a nasty arse.it's pretty standard in the divorce process. He doesn't like you any more and you don't lke him. Its painful on both sides and it rarely brings out the best in anyone. So base level Is any interaction between you is probably going to be unpleasant. This is what solicitors were invented for. For your own good, don't pick up the phone next time. You'll be fine. Lots of us on here are testement to that.

Hi OP. The good news is you've posted on the right board and will get lots of great support and advice here. Use it until you build up your real life support. I've not posted on threads yet as I'm only at the start of getting rid of my abusive h but so far these tips I've read have helped me:

1. The Lundy Bancroft book is excellent - someone mentioned it up thread. Really helped me see the truth through all the lies I'd been told for 15 years.
2. My GP referred me to Refuge and I was assigned a support worker. She had been fantastic. Having her and my GP on side feels validating and adds weight to my interactions with other agencies (police, children's services, CAMHS etc).
3. I read lots and lots - books, threads on MN, webpages - and that has been really helpful and boosted my confidence - it really isn't me, it's him.
4. When I felt a bit more sure of myself I did confide in a few good friends and they've been great. Taken on board what I said, listened, texted me etc. It's been lovely to reconnect with them and to finally tell the truth about what I and dc are going through. Don't be ashamed - you are not the abuser.
5. Consider setting up email only contact with your ex. Others have done this and it takes away another of his abusive weapons. If that fails consider a court order stipulating how contact is made and regulating its content. He is still abusing you. You can apply for these yourself if you can't afford a solicitor or get legal aid. I'm about to do this.

for you OP - you can do this xx

As others have said, engage no further.

I would send an email & text (so cant claim not received), saying something along the lines of:

Given the barrage of abuse I received from you this morning, I will no longer be answering your calls. As we need only to discuss matters concerning the children, if you need to contact me you can email me here ### or text me here ###. My solicitor will contact yours regarding divorce proceedings. Fivetosix.

Take back control even if you're crying behind closed doors - he doesn't need to know that. Hopefully councelling will help. It's good that you were seen so quickly.

Ahahahah, doesn't need counselling because there's nothing wrong with him ahahahahahahah. He does sound immensely pleased with himself. I wonder if he thinks he's dynamite in the sack as well?

He's just pouring poison in your ear. Because he doesn't know how else to be, and he's got nothing else to say. Poor little pindick that he is.

*counselling

I would like to recommend Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers, and A Woman In Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You by Ann Dickson. Both books made a huge impact on me and I have recommended them over and again to women wanting to rediscover themselves and their self-confidence. You are so much more powerful than this twattish bully has allowed you to be and once you reclaim your power he will crumble. Been there, done that. Go you

Book purchased- thanks for the recommendation

He is pissing off back overseas tomorrow so stay with his family for a month and I actually cannot wait. Let his parents smother and fuss over the twat that they actually know he is.

So far the one good thing to come out of this is me being able to do as I please without confirmation from him- going to bed at 10pm if I want, watching crap on TV, the kids actually being able to run around and scream in the house when they get giddy and excited. F**k the money and the lifestyle- I want happiness.

Then he proceeds to tell me that the kids won't want me when they're old enough because he will be back living overseas (my DS yearns to go live there because of the big family), and I won't be able to give them the lifestyle they will want. Funny when how my youngest DD (6) held my hand the other night and told me she is always quiet around Daddy because she is worried he will shout and get angry and it hurts her

I took him to court two years ago and took out a molestration order and we were on the brink of separation then until his family got involved and urged us to try again. I could have been out of the mess 2 years ago if I had stuck my ground

Can't add much to the above but - "entrepreneur" HahahaHAHAHAHAAAA

He will try to look good including maybe driving cars bought on loans... just bide your time, karma is waiting.

Don't worry about the past two years. That's done but use it as a reminder if you find yourself weakening. Don't worry about the future. Love and protect your kids now and they will know all they need too when they are older.

Entrepreneur very often means something more like another French word: branleur.

Er....so YOU can't give your kids the lifestyle they want.....but he can.... so.... he should be paying generous maintenance I take it?

He was "Shit in Bed". Love it. That's the spirit lady. Now your starting to get your mojo back. You rock.

Once a bully, always a bully. If he is rattled by something he will take his temper out on you with snide remarks. If he's only phoning to be spiteful you could just hang up.
If he turns nasty keep a log of the call - when, how long - and the content. I've no legal training so check this is true but I'm pretty sure you can't record any conversations and use that recording against him, without warning him you're taping his call.

I agree, a husband who treats his wife with little or no respect during the marriage is not going to be Mr Nice Guy when splitting up.

He has always had an audience at home and is used to you listening. You know what he says is untrue so try not to show him he's getting to you.

If at any point he suggests saving money or hassle by arranging money and anything to do with the children without consulting solicitors, do not agree - sign nothing.