Just had a phone call

[fivetosix]

Just had a call from STBX to tell me he's spoken to a solicitor to get the ball rolling regards divorce. It was then followed by a barrage of abuse saying that the only interests I have in life are taking selfies and sticking my nose in other people's business. That the only person I had left in life has been driven away because all I do is look for his faults and that I am going to be a nobody in life

We are splitting after 12 years of marriage, a marriage full of what to me felt like emotional abuse, but he says it's not abuse it's just him telling me the truth nah me not being able to handle it.

I have no surviving parents, am an only child and have no relationship with extended family such as Aunties. The GP prescribed me with Fluoextine on Tuesday for severe anxiety and has referred me for counselling. I can feel my heart pounding from the moment I wake on a morning, and listening to him speak like that to me has made me feel like the pits again.

I have lost all interest in my hobbies, and whilst he proclaims himself as the next big entrepreneur with a wide circle of family and friends that love him, I can't help but feel like a failure because other than my kids, I have nobody and nothing

ravenmum Well good to read your better. Yes you are right mental illness is a very difficult thing for most people to understand. My wife suffered for many years with manic depression and the number of people who said why doesn't she just "pull herself together"

fivetosix £5 to 10 K is well what it might be BUT what do you stand to loose by giving into his ideas?, he's been doing his level best to screw you up thus far don't let him make it any worse .

Get your OWN solicitor on the case, one who will fight your side and look after your interests.

!And a female one if you can, you may well got on better with another woman. The one who represented my wife was very good and supportive I'll give her that !.

You need a SHL - speak to Woman's Aid they will hopefully have some recommendations. Also has he's been abusive you should still qualify for some financial assistance. Often the fees are just paid out of the settlement.

Remember your entitlement to his pension pot too...

You may get on better with a female solicitor?
Please!
Just pick the best person for the job.

It's all very well to say your wife's solicitor was supportive Justaboy but what does that actually mean?

Do not use a solicitor as your new BFF to moan about your ex, or as a sounding board, or for emotional support. Why? Because we offer that for free on MN, your solicitor is charging in 6 minute blocks!

Bitch about him here, formulate your ideas, use solicitor time only to check what you can do for the best from a legal perspective!

By the way - proclamations that you won't get a better deal just make him sound like a dodgy double glazing salesman

He wants 50% of the marital home later? So when is that? And is that after you've spent 10 years paying off the mortgage?

Might be fair given there's the inherited property too - but that sounds like you have w mortgage on that.

My advice, FWIW, as he sounds like a proper fraudulent wide boy, is to get as much as you can up front. So, in house equity, or pension transfer. Work on the basis that he will fuck you around over maintenance. You already know he lies about income.

There's a poster called HeddaGarbled who has previously several times posted a link to recent court guidelines on financial settlement. Have a look for that?

And remember, you don't have to rush this. If you're think - bloody hell, no idea where to start... then don't. Have a cup of tea, enjoy the last of the summer weather and go to the park with your lovely kids. It can wait too Monday.

(the only thing not to wait on, is taking copies of ANYTHING financial)

He has finally left to go overseas so I have at least one month of peace. Time to get my head fully around things.

My anxiety is playing up no end though. Is it normal to start feeling worse on fluoxetine before feeling better? My heart feels like it's in my throat.

Years of EA have left me half the person I used to be. I now need to try and be strong for the kids. I'd give anything to be able to pick up the phone to my Mum right now. Instead you lovely lot are copping the brunt of my ramblings instead

I dunno, Cabrinha - my ex tends to do a kind of jolly matey act with other men. Typically he'll ask where they are from and if they come from an area he knows then he talks about that place as if they are now mates (excluding me as I am from another country). I was a bit worried that he'd do this with the solicitor and I'd have to sit there listening to their conversation for hours, so was pleased to find he'd been recommended a woman who, as an added bonus, didn't come from anywhere he knew!

Yes, it is normal to feel worse on the first couple of weeks of an SSRI, your doctor should have told you that! Have a look through the instructions for use, and speak to the doctor again if you can't sleep or think you might need different medication.

Cabrinha Yes of course the best person for the job. But in this instance there is a need for some empathy and someone who will understand the emotions and all that involved, and as we read ravenmum has been through the mill and then some with him. She may feel awkward talking to another man about things that have gone on.

I was told this by the solicitors i was with during my divorce that quite a lot of women especially ones who had abusive relationships find it easier to confide in another woman. In a similar way that they will often pick a female doctor if they can.

My GP is female and very good she is too! My solicitor was male. FWIW!

Sorry that should have read, fivetosix not ravenmum!

I felt really relaxed around my GP who was a female when talking to her about my anxiety, and the solicitor I saw was male- after 12 years of hearing and receiving nothing but abuse, even though in a professional manner, it actually felt refreshing to see a male who had my best interests at heart (even if he was getting paid a pretty penny for it )

I am currently sitting watching The Mask with the kids. Big fluffy duvets out, popcorn, homework has been done, and there is nowhere else I would rather be. I'm in my own little bubble with them and it's lovely.

fivetosix Good for you a break much needed by the sound of it. And you chose which solicitor you feel most comfortable with to fight your corner.

I feel as though I need to post a bit more background and so I hope some of you are still following this thread.

My husband is Turkish and there is a fairly large community of Turks where I live. I know of a few Turkish women, one in particular who I have known for a few years who was married to an English bloke. She was all nice and friendly to my face, stating how I was just like one of them and not like the English women she knew and introduced me to her friends. However, when said group of women were to ever go on nights out, I would never be invited. Fair enough.

Said woman hasn't been in contact with me for around two years now. She divorced earlier this year. I find out one night (July) when STBX comes in at 4am that they had all (the women) been to celebrate a birthday at his friends restaurant and she had one drink too many and started getting flirty with him, asking him to dance etc. He came home and openly told me all of this and yes, I should have there and then flipped my lid, but I didn't because a- he was honest enough to tell me and b- I think I knew back then that the marriage was heading for shit creek.

When I was overseas for the summer with DCs visiting the outlaws, I find out that said woman's mum and herself came to see him where he works and the mother asked him to look after her daughter because she was depressed after getting divorced. It then transpires that DH and a few other Turks invited her for a meal out with rather a lot of drink. I find this out as a mutual girl 'friend' was also invited and she posted a photo of her and STBX on FB, which once I clicked on, had been removed. I went hell for leather with him on the phone demanding to know what the hell was going on, considering in the four weeks I had been there at that point, he had made zero effort in contacting me to ask how the kids and I were.

He tried to play it down saying that there were other men present, that they were trying to match make for her and another friend (other friend who was in Turkey at this point) and he asked for the photo to be removed so people didn't get the wrong impression He told me at first I was being irrational, but after a few days agreed it was wrong and he wouldn't be in touch with her again.

I met up with a friend yesterday who's husband is very good friend with STBX. She knows the whole saga and asked her DH who this woman was. He openly admitted that he has been out for dinner with her (that said night) and told her they're in a group chat on WhatsApp. When she told me this yesterday, I honestly felt sick.

It was only last week STBX swore he hadn't had contact with said woman since that night. A blatant lie if they chat on WhatsApp. He swears on his children's lives he hasn't cheated on me with her. I think that bit might be true, but when he turns around and tells me he can see who he wants and when he wants, am I overreacting in thinking it shouldn't be a divorced woman who only months ago threw herself at him? He can't see the harm in it. I just think I've been played for a fool, and he has the cheek to suggest I cheated on him whilst I was on holiday with our DCs and his parents.

Needless to say we are well on the road to divorce. Not just for this, this was just the icing on the cake for me. He left for his holiday on Friday and hasn't been in touch to ask about the kids. The more I think about it, the more I want to punch the bastard in the face.

Why did you open the door to him?

Why did you let him in?

Why did you let him beat you to a pulp? Yes, with words, but what's the difference? Look how beaten up you are today. Don't let him do that stuff to you.

Don't be hanging around hoping he'll come good and be decent and kind. He is gearing up for the very opposite and will reduce you to rubble if you give him the chance. He has to demonise and rubbish you to justify to himself his horrible behaviour and actions. Don't be his fall guy.

I paid my lawyer's fees in instalments over many years. Many offer this service.

Get serious girl! He is not your friend he's your enemy. Active enemy, out to destroy you. If ms divorced bags him so what, she'll have the prize dick

Fivetosix is there any chance you could be entitled to legal aid? You mention a non mol in the past so there's documented evidence of domestic abuse. I would be pretty certain that he has been seeing this woman probably with his family's knowledge - I'd avoid any contact with them as well. Speak to Womens Aid to try to get a fair idea of what's coming next & look at the freedom programme. He thinks youll back down & may become more abusive once he realises you've made up your mind to divorce. My exh did exactly this. Make sure you are drinking water & eating even if it's just soup. Get angry for yourself and your DC. For you

Thankfully I am eating and drinking and putting on a brace face for the kids, when deep inside İ am going between anger, hurt and then even more anger.

As his mum is a traditional woman who was cheated on herself by her husband, she still believes it's the woman's job to tie the family together, that men will always have the side of them that wants the grass from the other side, whilst women are supposed to try their hardest to keep their men at home Not in my day. If they hadn't have stuck their noses in two years ago, İ'd now be two years further on with my life.

İ threatened to message the bitch on FB and give her a piece of my mind but STBX said she would have me done for harassment. Probably true. She's welcome to him.

Oh, and around three years ago, I was told by a clairvoyant that I would get divorced in 2017. We'll worth the £50

Glad your eating ok. It'd hard putting on a brave face bit of bet the DC are more relaxed with dad out of the way. Watch how they are over the coming weeks and start getting all the info you need - birth certs, payslips, bank statement etc. I don't mean to pry & apologies if I've missed it on the thread, but we're you married here? My friend married in Turkey- she has a son with her 'DH' who has at least one other child here whinstead gambling his way around the country- she's not even sure if she's actually married & his son considers him a waste of space!! Get as much advice & info as you can. Stay strong

Change his phone number in your mobile phone

"Do not answer"

You don't need to talk to him and don't need that type of abuse in your life now.

Instruct a solicitor to deal with him for you

Mediation can be done with you separately, so don't worry about that

Get wow contact for him to pick up after school on Friday take back to school on Monday.

Don't see him don't talk to him and keep any conversation he dies start at school functions to the dc. If he deviates from this say, nothing to do with me let's just stick to only talking about the dc.

You are worth so much more

Don't hang up on him. Just put the phone down on the table and let him rant whilst you go and do something else.
Well done for getting away and stay strong. You get loads of support and virtual hugs here.

Ddrmum- our wedding was in Istanbul but it has been certified and registered here in the U.K.

I have found myself this afternoon to be sooo relaxed at home. No worrying about routine, level of noise, mess etc and the kids are so much happier and relaxed for it. DS and youngest DD are currently watching and copying YouTube kids workouts, other DD is happily doing maths, we've eaten, uniforms ironed, everything ready for school, and it's just a lovely and calm atmosphere.

Last year I spent time helping out at his friends graphic design studio when I was over in Istanbul. Conversation turned to relationships and marriage (this guy had previously cheated on his wife and had been caught). He let slip that STBX had cheated on me in the past. When I asked him to elaborate, he wouldn't. I felt that I couldn't ask STBX without solid proof and that he would hit the roof that I was talking about relationships and our marriage with his friend. I let it go thinking that it may do more harm than good.

He also knows how much I am against drugs. I'm not a prude my any means, but I detest any drug. He smoked cannabis and used other stuff before he met me. I have found out that in the past year he has started to casually smoke cannabis again. He tells me that I make him out to be a junkie, and that if he wants to smoke every now and then, not even his mum or dad would stop him (even though he would die if they ever found out). He knows how against it I am, yet it turns out he's been using it now for God knows how many months.

The more I think and write about him, the more I despise the ground he walks upon

My God there are some poisonous men out there! You wonder how they ever find anyone to marry them in the first place.

Good luck and keep your chin up. All this will one day be in the past, and so will he.

Can you not get legal aid?

I was told two years ago that I qualified for legal aid because I recorded an instance of DV and had it on my GP record. I was then presented with a £5000 bill from the solicitor.

I contested it and never heard from either the firm or the company that deals with legal aid again, but I am vary weary of it since that instance.

I am not even sure if the file has been closed as I never received a letter stating either way and I dare not enquire for fear of any outstanding debt that may have interest added on top. If that was the case, it would come up on a credit history wouldn't it?

If they've told you you qualified and then charged you out of the blue, there's no Court in the land that would make you see that debt - if it happened like that.

Where are you based? I'm a solicitor - let me look into firms for you.