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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just had a phone call

122 replies

fivetosix · 22/09/2016 09:14

Just had a call from STBX to tell me he's spoken to a solicitor to get the ball rolling regards divorce. It was then followed by a barrage of abuse saying that the only interests I have in life are taking selfies Hmm and sticking my nose in other people's business. That the only person I had left in life has been driven away because all I do is look for his faults and that I am going to be a nobody in life Sad

We are splitting after 12 years of marriage, a marriage full of what to me felt like emotional abuse, but he says it's not abuse it's just him telling me the truth nah me not being able to handle it.

I have no surviving parents, am an only child and have no relationship with extended family such as Aunties. The GP prescribed me with Fluoextine on Tuesday for severe anxiety and has referred me for counselling. I can feel my heart pounding from the moment I wake on a morning, and listening to him speak like that to me has made me feel like the pits again.

I have lost all interest in my hobbies, and whilst he proclaims himself as the next big entrepreneur with a wide circle of family and friends that love him, I can't help but feel like a failure because other than my kids, I have nobody and nothing Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
fivetosix · 22/09/2016 14:48

I have just spent the past hour reading about narcissistic men- how did I not know about all of this before?

The earliest I can be seen for counselling is 4th Nov, so at least the ball is rolling there.

I have also arranged to meet a friend with her children at the park Saturday afternoon and to go on for pizza. It's nice to have little things planned without worrying about confirming it with someone else first.

Baby steps... Smile

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 22/09/2016 15:06

You're AWESOME fivetosix. Let that blood boiling feeling give you the adrenaline to keep sane. Try and imagine a bubble around you that will not allow his venomous, abusive, lying shit to penetrate your core. Like an invisible, weightless suit of armour. Try to disallow contact with him. He really didn't need to phone and tell you he'd seen a solicitor. You'll know soon enough if he has. No solicitor would be willing to deal with two clients getting out of the marriage so it's possible he hasn't actually seen one at all. The phone call was his excuse to attack you. Little does he realise that you're already on the road to recovery because, wonderfully, he never ever quite conquered you, did he? Star

Original poster
fivetosix · 22/09/2016 15:35

You're so right tipsytrifle. He can go suck lemons (because I don't know how to do that fancy line through the work dick).

He would always mimic my gestures, pulling faces, picking up on my faults. I have my own insecurities but I can learn to love me again.

I went to see a solicitor yesterday and all was going well until they quoted me for the expected work Confused When I told him I had been to see one, he got irate saying 'It's only taken you three weeks to do something about it'. Why has it also 'taken him three weeks' when he has the contact of a solicitor on his phone who he is actually good friends with? Oh and he told me that he said to his solicitor that he is more than welcome to advise me if I phone up to ask anything whilst he is overseas. He really must think I am thick Hmm

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 22/09/2016 16:00

haha - so he has a "solicitor-mate" he's been chatting with rather than actually, formally, having a solicitor? Like yeah, "talk to my mate who of course wouldn't tell all if you did phone" ... much! If it wasn't all so horrific and abusive it would be laughable, hey?

YNK · 22/09/2016 16:10

That's the spirit!
I would love to say you won't even miss this twat once you make the necessary adjustments.......however, I think this is one who is going to make a nuisance of himself!

He's not content with going his own way, it sounds like he get's too much of a kick from putting you down to just call a halt to it.

Keep a very good eye on your finances and watch your back!

Cabrinha · 22/09/2016 17:42

Bullshit did the solicitor conversation go that way! Your STBXH is such a liar!

If he said "oh yeah you can advise fiveto if she calls" solicitor would have said no. Even to a mate. On account of it being completely unprofessional and could get him sacked.

Cabrinha · 22/09/2016 17:43

As for the crap about it taking you 3 weeks to talk to a solicitor...

Ummmmm...

Didn't lemon sucking dick splash actually tell you tonshare his solicitor?

Oh my love, I'm feeling quite happy for you and how much better you are going to be feeling soon!

Original poster
fivetosix · 22/09/2016 17:48

Cabrinha- I never knew the solicitor could get sacked- interesting Wink

He is a twunt and believe me if I hadn't have been quoted '£5-10K plus VAT' yesterday, I would have set the ball rolling there and then.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 22/09/2016 17:57

Client confidentiality is generally seen as fundamental Grin

When my XH and I divorced, I transferred the house to him, and some paperwork had to be signed for Land Registry - and a copy had to go to my solicitor. Time was of the essence due to mortgage and completion on my new house. He used a solicitor for the property transfer, not divorce. It was literally a copy of a Land Registry form with a signature on it. No personal details. To speed things up, my STBXH asked if I could collect it from his solicitor and be the "courier" to my solicitor.

His solicitor was VERY uncomfortable about it, and only agreed after XH put it in writing, and then she sealed the envelope and wrote over the seal "must be received sealed"!

tipsytrifle · 23/09/2016 00:11

I think you need to audition a few other solicitors. Seriously. Ask Women's Aid for their advice because this is an abusive relationship.

Improvisingnow · 23/09/2016 07:14

Having been through an EA relationship myself, the first step is definitely never ever to take a call from him again. My ex is blocked on my phone and the only means of communication he has is email. Because he is worried about me keeping the emails and showing them to someone his emails are polite. The only time I unblock my phone is when the DC are with him.

Just focus on you and on getting through this time. There is a whole fabulous life out there. Don't accept less than you are entitled to financially to keep the peace, it won't work. Find a decent lawyer and move on. Soon he will be a memory (and IME even those fade).

Atenco · 23/09/2016 07:28

Just reading this and you are doing great, OP. You will find your social network picking up along with everything now that you don't have that man in your life.

Original poster
fivetosix · 23/09/2016 08:02

He came around last night to get his passport and asked to talk which soon turned into another load of abuse, calling me mentally ill (using the fact I'm on anti ds). He also believes I cheated on him whilst I was on holiday this year with his parents and our three DC. Not sure how I could have possibly fit in an affair with all those people around me, but he said he will find out the truth when he's over there Hmm

From the moment I woke up this morning, I could feel my heart pounding so hard. I constantly feel sick to the stomach. He is slowly but surely finishing me off Sad

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 23/09/2016 08:12

No, he isn't Flowers
Because this is the death throes of him doing this.

  1. Because you'll be divorced and he won't be able to walk into your home to get passports and thus take the opportunity to abuse you
  1. Because you'll get better at shutting him down

Come on lovey... Mentally ill because you take ADs like (what, half?) the population?
Had an affair on a family holiday? This stuff is laughable. I appreciate that it's awful being on the receiving end of crap like that, but can you try to laugh at him with us, instead of feeling beaten down? He is so desperate to have a go at you, isn't it? That he comes out with shit like that. Keep a diary of it, and laugh with us at how desperate he is - tide has turned, he's not in control now.

And YYY to a PP... Do not try to appease him by not taking what is fair and what your children need in the settlement. Because as PP said it will not work. Arseholes are arseholes. If he shafts you financially that won't stop him trying to abuse you.

This tip is a bit in advance, but when you come to decide child arrangements... try to arrange pick ups around school times. So for example, if he has EOW, make it from school finish Fri to school time Monday with him responsible for those two school runs. That way, he doesn't get a chance to see you and have the opportunity to be rude to you. Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 23/09/2016 08:17

He's the one having the affair surely. Classic deflection.

You CAN do this and you will as you have the best supportive team behind you. Tonnes of mumsnetters with experience in divorce, etc and they will help you.

Mentally ill? So what, so are many many people including me at times. He's stupid thinking he is insulting you.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 23/09/2016 08:21

So he came to your house and verbally abused you? You need to send the email suggested above (the contact only through email/text message one) and also report to the police that he is harassing you. Start ensuring the records/paper trail of his behavior are being made now for use in court later.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/09/2016 09:19

I agree with sending the email insisting on written communication. However, don't send it until he has left the country so I can't pop around to discuss it with you.

You have some breathing space now as he will be away and he can't make you answer the phone if you don't want to. Use the time to get yourself organised. Speak to Women's Aid, start collecting important paperwork, evidence of his earnings, bank account information etc. Put copies of them safe or even leave them with a friend. He sounds like the type who will play games over child support so having factual information to hand will be useful.

Original poster
fivetosix · 23/09/2016 09:22

He has told me that I would be wise to agree with him financially (that he doesn't want anything from my mums house that I inherited- we are both on the title deeds and mortgage- and that he wants 50% of the martial home when I come to sell).

He said I won't get any fairer than that. He is refusing to sort child maintenance the legal way because basically he lies about how much he earns.

In all honesty, I just don't have the funds for a long drawn out battle. I have no savings to my name because I never had reason to think I'd need to plan for such a mess 

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 23/09/2016 09:39

Take some advice before agreeing to a financial settlement. Find out what would be considered a reasonable approach by the courts. It might be that what he is offering is good enough to make it not worth going through the hassle of fighting but get a third party sense check before agreeing to anything. Also get everything fully and properly documented in case he tries to argue he agreed something different at a later date.

It might be worth agreeing an initial position on maintenance but hold the option in reserve of going through the CMS (used to be CSA) if he starts mucking around. I have seen several cases on here where abusive ex's have used maintenance as a way of trying to still control their former partner.

Justaboy · 23/09/2016 09:47

ivetosix Whatever else you may or may not do etc make sure that you get a good -Solicitor- you have rights and it may well be your unaware of them.

If you don't know of any ask around someone will know.

Then look forward to the time when you'll be rid of this wally:-)

Justaboy · 23/09/2016 09:51

and that he wants 50% of the martial home when I come to sell).

Umm , that can be argued about. Have a read through this site some usefull info abiy the divorce process in here might take your mind of the ramblings of his nibbs for a while!

www.divorce.co.uk/

You obviously have some shared assets and you need to make sure that you get your fair share. Easier said then done i know but stiffen your resolveto do battle for what is yours.

ravenmum · 23/09/2016 10:04

People who use "mentally ill" as an insult either have no empathy or are not intelligent enough to understand what mental illness is. I too am recovering from a mental illness now; the depression brought on by being treated awfully and blamed for my ex's affair. If someone hits you on the head with a hammer they don't then say you are physically ill and mean it as an insult, do they?

He's right, though: he has "got you where you are today". Depressed, hating his guts, desperate for a divorce.

My ex did not want to do things properly either - wanted to sort out child support his own (stupid) way. Chose a new solicitor as mine wasn't good enough for him. It was all a question of control. As it turns out, the new solicitor is a woman, and absolutely fine. She's now got him sorting out child support properly. It's taken a while, but that's given him time to calm down and be less of a shit when we meet.

You'll soon be rid of him and won't have to put up with any of this any more.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/09/2016 10:35

It is vital you remember he is not your friend now. He isn't going to offer a fair deal and he needs telling, and many people need reminding, that he doesn't get to bestow anything on you. It's joint assets and he has responsibilities.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 23/09/2016 11:07

Very important, remember, he is no longer your partner, or even your friend. He does not have your best interests on his agenda.
Keep this at the very front of your mind all the time.

Secondly, can I ask did you not inherit your mums house mortgage free? If you and your H took out a mortgage on it, what happened to that capital?

Kr1stina · 23/09/2016 11:24

Do NOT agree to the financial deal he is offering. Why would he be doing this to benefit you ? he's trying to rip you off .

Stop talking to him . Don't tell him about your medical issues or what meds you are on. It's none of his business. Only discuss when he can see the kids .

I know it's hard because he's been controlling you all these years. But you need to stop interacting with him . Narcs love drama so you need to be really boring .

You can do this. You are strong woman. You are raising three fine kids by yourself, runing a home and you have friends and hobbies . He's spent so long telling you that you are worthless ,you are believing him . But it's nonsense.

You are strong and capable .