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Original poster

My wife wants another child, and I do not. What do I do?

47 replies

Fatherandhusband · 19/09/2016 17:23

Hi all. 30 year old father of two kids, 3 and 5. My wife is 31. I love my kids and in generally we have a happy and fulfilling family life, despite being very busy.

My wife recently broached the topic of another child during our anniversary recently, as I have been looking into getting a vasectomy. We originally always wanted one child, and after our first we decided to go for a second, which has MASSIVELY increased the challenges of parenting. At this point, I am satisfied with our parenting experience. She asked me how I would feel if we found out she was pregnant. I was very honest (probably could have been more delicate, but this caught me by surprise) and told her that I don't really know if I would be happy. I cited that I felt that we are already at capacity in terms of time and finances; we both work 40+ hours, plus I own a business and have a couple of hobbies. I feel that externally, we would have a hard time functioning smoothey as a household. It would be difficult to devote the time to each child that I feel is necessary to provide them quality parenting and opportunities and activities. Financially we are saving for our first home, repairing credit, and paying down student loans; I don't think another child at this point would be a wise move, financially. Internally, I have to admit a degree of selfishness. I want to sleep again. I want to have my wife to myself on occasion. I want to be able to pursue my own career goals and continue to develop my hobbies. I don't recall feeling this way with my last two children, and so I need to take that as a big indicator of where I sit.

At this point I know my wife was disappointed in my answer, and I very much suspect she is actively wanting another child. I would like some guidance and to hear about the experiences you all may have had in similar circumstances. I do plan on having a real discussion about this with her, as I am aware I don't have all of the information here. I want my wife to be happy and satisfied, but I cannot be dishonest with her about this and how I feel about another child, especially given the current context of our lives.

For the record, if we did get pregnant, I would rise to the occasion. I know I would love our third hypothetocal child. She is afraid I will resent her if that happens due to my previous answers to her. I fear she may resent me if I deny her the opportunity to have a larger family.

OP posts:

JacquettaWoodville · 19/09/2016 20:17

That doesn't sound like emotional blackmail, user. A man or woman is at liberty to leave a relationship for any reason or none.

OP, talk to her - perhaps it is the finality of it she needs more time to take on board. Did you or she have any counselling around the vasectomy decision?

Booboostwo · 19/09/2016 20:27

I want a third child and DH doesn't. His reasons for not wanting a third child make a lot of sense and are almost persuasive...but not quite, I still want a third child. None the less we won't have a third child as I do think the person who does not want one gets to decide and it does not affect our relationship.

Talk to her a bit more.

eddielizzard · 19/09/2016 20:29

i was the reluctant party for our third child, but i couldn't bear the thought of dh resenting me. so i went ahead and while i absolutely adore dc3 completely and utterly, i don't adore the circumstances i regularly find myself in. i do all the housework and childcare, and i work when i can. i feel hugely overstretched and some days i have so much to do i can feel my mind grinding to a halt with exhaustion. i've largely come to terms with it now, and life is harder with 3 undoubtedly. but there is also a lovely energetic buzz and they play so well together. they're a little gang, and i love that. sometimes i see them support each other when they don't know i can see.

so there are always pros and cons, and everything in life is a compromise. communication is key. but if you feel strongly about it, don't go there. it's bloody hard work, and not fair on any of you.

MorrisZapp · 19/09/2016 20:36

Just tell her you don't want another, and book your vasectomy. Use condoms scrupulously until you're officially seedless.

Nobody on this planet who doesn't want a kid should give five seconds thought to having one. No means no.

MorrisZapp · 19/09/2016 20:37

Eddielizzard that's a really troubling post. Your dh doesn't do any childcare but hassled you to have another kid? That's disgusting, sorry.

MumblePuppy · 19/09/2016 20:44

People are allowed to change their minds OP. Just because she was positive before about a vasectomy doesn't mean she still is.

JacquettaWoodville · 19/09/2016 20:46

Morris, that's too harsh. Absolutely agree that op shouldn't have another child if he doesn't want one, but his life partner deserves more than five seconds of his time to talk it over. Even if the outcome is the same, refusing to discuss her concerns about anything major like this would be a bad way to stay in a good marriage,
.

Cherrysherbet · 19/09/2016 20:58

We have three children. Our boys were 13 and 8 when our DD was born (now 18, 13 and 5). We made a joint decision, but Dh knew what it meant to me to have another baby. If he had said 'no', I would have coped with his decision, and would have respected it, but I think I would have always felt unfulfilled in a way. Life would have been very different with two, but we love having three. Op, I wish you and your DW all the best, whatever decision you make, but I will say this...please be gentle with her feelings. It's a very emotional time when you maybe feel you aren't ready to say goodbye to the baby years. You can't always see the practical side of things, and she maybe feeling very fragile. Be kind, be loving and try to keep an open mind. This may be a very difficult time for her to get through if you both decide to not have another baby. Good luck.

eddielizzard · 20/09/2016 19:01

oooh yes morriszapp that does sound bad when i read it back. i meant i look after the kids as dh works full time. i am a sahm essentially, i pick up bits of work here and there, time allowing. he didn't pressure me at all.

Musings101 · 20/09/2016 22:16

Explain to her that the earth is overpopulated as it is - and having any more than two is entirely selfish and will f* things up more than they already will be for them (and their children).

Easy.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 20/09/2016 22:22

The confusing thing here is that we have discussed me getting a vasectomy in the past and she was very pro-vasectomy. So this last conversation was puzzling

Its completely normal! When you are considering taking away your chance to ever have another baby, for good, it makes you think an awful lot about having another. It's incredibly common. It doesn't mean she really wants one, or that it will be a big deal, it might just mean she isn't quite ready for the finality of the decision. You're both young to have that avenue closed off for ever.

OhTheRoses · 20/09/2016 22:31

I think you should be grateful you have the choice. Many don't.

Sometimes there are threads on here about regrets. DD (3rd baby, 2nd to survive) was a gift and my fifth pg to reach the second trimester.

We married wanting at least three or four. My only regret is not having the courage to try for a third. I desperately wanted another baby but didn't have the courage to face losing another

RebelandaStunner · 20/09/2016 22:48

We stopped at two for a lot of the reasons you stated. Now they are late ish teens we are so glad that we did. We had a really rough couple of years around when they were age 13/14yrs out of the blue. We had sailed through parenting until then. It was unexpected and bloody stressful at times. With hindsight a third younger child would have been ok but not a third teenager for us personally. It's a lot better now but me and DH were rubbish at that earlier teen stage.

Shriek · 20/09/2016 23:41

Agree its massive topic for discussion and time to absorb. No rush to decide and I do think its absolutelu emo blakmail to say you will leave if u dont get what you want without really believing that. For some its the end, but if you already have a great family life and happy marriage its cruel to break that for the sake of being broody.

Needs some monthsnto mull over and consider all options. Is she enjouing her freetime/hobbies /work and having similar goals to yours about dedicatimg time to them?

Big life decisions needing time and space

Dadbot3000 · 22/09/2016 18:05

Why not compromise and agree to not have the snip, but wait 4 or 5 years before discussing another child. You have ages left and will be more secure then.
We accidentally had 3rd after we had agreed not to (my reasons all the same as yours), but actually going from 2 to 3 nowhere near as bad as from 1 to 2.
We're 36+ though so have a house etc, so not as scary.

DontMindMe1 · 22/09/2016 18:21

OP does not want to wait 4 or 5 years. He already knows he doesn't want any more.

As others have said, take responsibility for the contraception and book the vasectomy. you don't need her permission to go ahead with it - just like she doesn't need yours if she decides to 'accidentally' get pregnant and goes ahead with it.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2016 18:27

Get a vasectomy. Don't just 'look into it', step up to the plate and take responsibility. Use a condom now, EVERY time until you get the all-clear from your vasectomy.

RitchyBestingFace · 22/09/2016 18:35

Nobody on this planet who doesn't want a kid should give five seconds thought to having one. No means no.

This. 100%.

coldcanary · 22/09/2016 19:56

We have 3, I was all for DH's vasectomy (in fact I was more for it than he was!) right up to when it became Real and appointments were booked. Then I really did start wondering about a fourth even though I knew I was being a bit batshit about it.
We talked. Seriously talked about it and laid everything out. He had the vasectomy as planned and I couldn't be happier
That's what you need to do, just talk seriously and properly about it, she might be getting cold feet about something that doesn't just permanently affect you but her as well.
Good luck.

Lorend47 · 09/07/2018 23:16

"She would get pregnant not we" well that's the most hypocritical response ever! It's a joint effort & responsibility.

BonnieF · 10/07/2018 00:00

OP, the fact that you were seriously considering a vasectomy is a very strong indication that your mind is made up. Nobody who was ambivalent about the idea of having more children would be looking into taking such a drastic step.

Your wife understands this, and the finality of it has spooked her.

I agree with the advice you have been given from others. Take responsibility for contraception yourself, and take it seriously.

ShatnersWig · 10/07/2018 08:00

ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD

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